At a crossroads

wildflower0078 · 2021-08-24T11:59:31+00:00

Divorce is a loss. You’re angry. This is a big step in the grieving process but it doesn’t mean you should get back together. Look up the 5 steps for grieving I think they’re: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You have to spend a certain amount of time going through each of these things before you will be able to accept that this is over and the best thing, which quite honestly sounds like it is.

flowingwisdom13 · 2021-08-24T13:26:13+00:00

I would start talking to a lawyer and wrap up everything you need for your divorce. She claims she doesn’t know what she wants, meaning she holds no ethics to guide her actions, which implies she will do it again and hide it better. It’s far gone now, I would go my own way. You are not weak. You are attached to her and love her still. A man can hardly erase 14 years of his life just like that, but she has proven to you what she is. If you move forward you will have no one but yourself to blame for what she will bring or do next. Get out while you can, now. Don’t hurt the guy. As much as he is to blame, your wife carries most of it. You can, if you have a way of doing so, tell his wife though.

25_years · 2021-08-24T13:28:51+00:00

I sympathize, brother. Some of us have been there. Take a deep breath. I know "take a breath" is a cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason. Have you ever heard of the Five Stages of Grief?

Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance

I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like you're bargaining -- with her, with us on this sub, with fate, with God, whatever.

I'm sure you know the answer in your heart. This marriage is over. Marriage counseling will NEVER work. There's difficult work ahead and you need to be strong and mobilize your inner resources. In the Five Stages, "depression" is next (which is the Bitch of the Bunch, no doubt).

But look what comes at the end. Try to keep your chin up. Turn your negative energy into something positive (the gym, a new hobby, etc). Stay off social media. And learn all you can about the legal aspects.

Good luck, brother.

throwingit_all_away · 2021-08-24T22:27:52+00:00

Youre not in love with her. Youre in love with the idea of her. The romanticized version of her thats in your head.

Mavik52 · 2021-08-24T14:07:22+00:00

Change your perspective and realize your own self worth. You can't control what other people do, only what you do. Your wife slept with another man, was this an agreed upon acceptable act in your relationship? If the answer is no, then the relationship is over. Get a lawyer and start the process of removing her from your life. She does not deserve your time, commitment, love, support, etc.. You need to have respect for your own standards and when they are violated you don't negotiate those terms. Zero tolerance, she is no longer your partner. She should no longer rent any space in your head. Any attempts to try and salvage the relationship is you saying you tolerate being walked all over. You think she is going to act differently after you allow her to violate your vows? She is a toddler and will see that as you having no boundaries and no consequences for her behavior and things will only get worse. Cut her loose.

Fin4llyBre4thing · 2021-08-24T17:17:17+00:00

My ex flushed 18 years for a maybe (Maybe she could date this greek guy). I was angry, hurt and frustrated too. It's been 5 years now. She's dating because I hear the kids say his name. Year one and two that would have bothered me A LOT. I got into a divorcecare group and talked things out with friends and family. Now her stuff is just noise. I have to deal with her for 4 more years and then I'm free as the last kid finishes high school...

HerbEverstanks · 2021-08-24T15:12:21+00:00

You have no obligation to the other man. You had an obligation to your wife. She ruined that. Take the high road. The other man was behaving like - a man.

Sure this is the last step of acceptance. In the end, men usually think logically. Thinking that you want to ruin the other man is thinking with emotion. Yes this will take some thought and time, but in the outcome of this, both of their emotions for her and the other guy will take care of themselves - they will be destroyed.

Screamo2005 · 2021-08-24T15:20:40+00:00

You’re in the bargaining stage of loss still. I’m sorry man, loss sucks. And I am really here for you if you need a friend.

They’re exes for reason god damnit. Hop on tinder. Start swiping.

Sorry that was callous and we all have feels. And you need to feel them because they’re real. But you also need to move on with life and not be stuck in misery. Nobody is worth that kind of pain. No body

mercybull · 2021-08-24T15:21:39+00:00

It becomes a lot easier, at one point you start hoping that they would hurry up and find someone else.

akihonj · 2021-08-24T15:27:20+00:00

You don't love her, you love an image of a person that doesn't exist, maybe never did.

Would you feel this for somebody else, a stranger, no, but that's exactly what she is to you.

Trust then if she wasted no time getting into his bed you are the second choice, she is saying she doesn't know what she wants because she keeping you hanging on knowing that you'll provide and do the work to feed her ego where the guy she really wants won't.

He is most likely using her for sex while married life is boring, she knows that and knows he won't leave his wife for her even though her marriage has blown up.

Go to the counceling if you must but use it to get the truth out of her before you file.

Don't be a second best.

How do you get over it, I'm not sure you ever will, it's been 4 years for me and I'm still not totally over it, I still feel angry, angry at the efforts I went to to make her happy and comfortable, angry at the hours I wasted to provide for her, angry that I would be out in all weathers while she got to sleep in, angry that I didn't see it sooner, angry that.....

Also not angry because my life is better now and gets better every year, I have more money than I ever dreamed of, more friends and better social circles. I've had more dates and girlfriends and more sex, and more material things. My life is better in every way, I still think that could have been but mostly I smile a little seeing what I have now.

BigDBigballs911007 · 2021-08-24T17:07:18+00:00

Get away as fast as possible.. If She did this now she has probably done it before and Yes tell the guys wife so she isn’t also living with a cheating asshole Make a clean break and get onto moving on with your life Focus on you Call. A lawyer ASAP

Frosty_Season_8092 · 2021-08-25T05:56:17+00:00

Natural way to feel.

Long-Review-1861 · 2021-08-25T09:55:05+00:00

Why would you even want to continue to see an alcoholic with mental problems? They bring nothing but chaos and pain. Look up the sunk cost fallacy. I know it hurts but let the other guy have her and find someone more helathy. You will thank yourself in a few years.

Normalperson140 · 2021-08-25T13:39:39+00:00

Been there put a #64 rubber band on your wrist. Every time you think of her or her bullshit snap it it supposed to hurt. Think of something else if you think of her snap! It you think you thought of thinking about her snap. See an attorney plan don’t waste a minute on counseling, think how awesome life will be without her. Check out Al-Anon literature you will be happy. Listen to -Better Bachelor and strong successful male on YouTube. Putt your foot down. You! Will! Be!Happy! Again!!!!

hombredelgato · 2021-08-24T17:35:29+00:00

Go to counseling brother. Find out why you're ok with someone abusing you. It's not healthy.

Title	At a crossroads
Author	bluelinebrotha
Upvotes	8
Comments	27
Date	August 24, 2021 11:28 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/palf91/at_a_crossroads/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/at-a-crossroads.1060189 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060189

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