What is the ideal marriage dynamic in your opinion?

WestsideMoonWalker · 2021-09-21T19:39:37+00:00

My parents (and my girlfriend's parents, for that matter) have been married for over 30 years. My grandparents were married for nearly 70. So I'm basing my perceptions on that.

At some level, a lasting relationship needs to have some roots in pragmatism, but I don't think that means you need to sacrifice chemistry and attraction. What it does mean is that you need to select for traits that are compatible with your lifestyle in addition to those things. It also requires a willingness to trust each other, approach problems collaboratively, and an understanding that not every interaction needs to have a winner/loser. It generally helps if you genuinely like your partner and care about them, and know how to be supportive when they need it.

I also would hesitate to say that arranged marriages are the way to achieve that type of relationship though. Taking out the element of choice is a huge negative imo.

Mark_Freed · 2021-09-22T13:39:07+00:00

I’m in India and in the process of filtering through matches brought to me in an arranged marriage fashion. It’s not forced marriage, educated Indians take this route.

Just like online dating let’s you short list based on parameters, here my family is involved in advising me what to look out for. I don’t think people realise just how valuable insights her family can give you.

How her parents aged, medical issues in the family, their social standing, assets, her education, income, the kind of job her parents did, which city she grew up in, the kind of jobs her siblings do. I can spend hours explaining how much effort goes into a marriage alliance.

At the later stages my parents will contact their neighbours, parents of kids who studied with her, work with her etc to understand her character and her fit with me. So we go through 1000s of profiles and short list profiles that have promise.

Here I have to admit there are problematic aspects, my parents put a lot of emphasis on stuff that I can’t defend like astrology and endogamy, it’s better for us to marry outside our caste from a genetic perspective for diversity . But my parents argue because marriages were within the caste for 2000 years so they claim there are traits, behaviours that are characteristic of a caste.

Anyway at this stage they let us talk, meet, over a year max… usually within months we get engaged and then within 1.5 years we marry. No sex before marriage. No living together. Lots of stigma for divorce. No fault divorce is near impossible in India.

Now this arranged marriage is just how we met, the actual marriage is set up in a way that makes sense to both of us. I met girls who don’t want kids, who want to work, who don’t want our parents living with us. Both parties are clear what they want, they are honest and upfront mostly. Most these girls are looking for a best friend as per their profiles and when I talk to them.

I think this method is better than relying on luck, meeting someone great in some social event, getting to know the individual slowly takes time, they can betray you, lie to you and you are working with scarce information. Here because families are involved it’s serious. We are aiming for marriage, we don’t have time so we open up quickly and reveal dealbreakers.

The stigma of divorce ensures we try our best to make the marriage work. The whole gender norms, division of labour is best negotiated in an individual basis and I don’t think there is a one fit all solution. Infidelity is shamed and there is a lot of pressure to stay sexually exclusive. Options are rare.

There is a lot of dependence in these marriages and there is a kind of love that is based on this dependence. My dad needs my mom to eat food. He hates take out, he is old and can’t handle it. My mom needs my dad to take leadership, bring in money, plan solutions. It’s sweet how much they love each other but it’s not the kind of mature love based on communication and like friendship. It’s very traditional.

I think multiple models exist, you need to find which works for the both of you. If both of you are willing to put in the work it’s not that hard IMO.

Slipthe · 2021-09-21T19:34:15+00:00

I’m in a very happy marriage. We love each other, are very passionate and are a team together.

chalkandapples · 2021-09-21T20:20:30+00:00

Lust and chemistry brings you together, but what keeps you together is a familiar bond. Marriage means you're bringing someone into your family, eventually you should feel the kind of bond you do with the rest of your family. Lust and chemistry can still be there, different couples have different sex drives and passion, but the actual strong bond here that holds up a strong marriage is the family bond, rather than lust or chemistry.

cornfedduckman · 2021-09-21T19:38:08+00:00

They believe love comes and blossoms after marriage instead of before.

Monogamy is strictly enforced and divorce is extremely taboo. It's supposed to be a lifelong commitment and you just have to make it work. Breaking it is the absolute last resort.

Another reason is arranged marriage cultures are extremely pro-natalist and they insist on staying together for the kids. It's very difficult to find childfree partners in that setting.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-09-22T01:48:17+00:00

When you're married to your best friend, who you have the same life goals and values. It's a team partnership

moviecooknl · 2021-09-22T09:02:35+00:00

It's all based on values; for most of us living in Western countries the aspect of arranged marriage is frowned upon because it's an old tradition that lacks the aspect of free will and selection of a spouse in full mostly because of social pressure from his or her parents as well as the stigma on not accepting the aspects of being attracted to the same gender.

And even though arranged marriages has a divorce rate of less that 10% and it allows guys to find a spouse easier compared to the current (Western) dating market, it doesn't help that there are certain abysmal traditions that go against women rights in a small set of cultures that practice arranged marriages that we read about: women can't divorce her husband that easily compared to their husbands, honor killings in case of divorce, financial repercussions for the wife and/or parents of the wife in case of divorce and there are aspects of forced arranged marriages where the woman is forced to marry a person who raped her (mostly by pressure from her parents because of family honor), forcing a woman to marry a person because of setting a debts, etc, etc.

Mimoxs · 2021-09-21T20:01:41+00:00

Everyone I have ever heard say "my husband/wife is my best friend" has been a very, very happy person. The happiest couples I observe that I can think of, have a dynamic very much like that. They do simple fun things together. They're there for each other emotionally. They just seem so genuinely, truly happy in a way that goes beyond the superficial materialistic happiness of most people.

But I'm sure some dude will come along with a 5 point essay on why that's bad bc you can't be emotionally vulnerable towards women or that they're betas or smth like that

I know a few people from India that are quite happy to enter arranged marriages

Some are happy, some are miserable. I don't like this weird new narrative from manosphere that arranged marriages are somehow good (I'm not saying that's what you're saying, just that I see this a lot increasingly lately) just bc you can cherry pick a few that are happy -- we know that tons of them, especially women, are miserable. Why do you think women fought so hard to end the practice almost everywhere in the world?

Do yall realize this is the same country with a stereotype for people shitting in the street? Connect the dots here.

grand_tiremaster · 2021-09-21T22:05:30+00:00

My parents and my brother and SIL.

Parents; dad was breadwinner, mom stayed at home but also had a lot of freedom to do whatever, my dad funded her hobbies/interests, hardly any fighting over money, they shared an account, simple, easy life.

Brother and SIL; my brother is the breadwinner, SIL stays at home, has a lot of freedom to do whatever, brother funds her hobbies/interests, again barely any fighting over money, they share an account, simple, easy life.

Both my parents and my brother and SIL wanted the same things, have the same interests pretty much. Both my parents enjoyed parties, going out, bars, casinos, resorts, etc. Brother and SIL both wanted a farm, they like the country life, the outdoors, etc. My SIL stays home and makes their house look BEAUTIFUL, my brother says it all the time how thankful he is for her making his house feel like a home. My brother buys her weed, like a lot of it, and he's like "hey you girls go smoke and enjoy your time", it's so chill. I rarely meet men who go out of their way to buy ounces of weed for their gf or wife, much less anything else.

Another ideal marriage type I've heard of is all these wives in the country whose husbands will let them have any kind of animal-- chickens, goats, pigs, cattle, horses, etc. Anything they want and their husband will even build the enclosures for them and do all the heavy work for them. Just to see their wife happy. I see all these women who will pick up baby chicks from the feed store, and post something like "ooooops hehe, couldn't resist, what do you think the hubby will say? hehe".

sootlord · 2021-09-21T23:31:25+00:00

No marriage contract. Finances totally seperate. No co ownership of property.

cornfedduckman · 2021-09-21T19:52:05+00:00

A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriages.

English man: How could you marry a woman before knowing her?

Indian man: How could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her?

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-09-21T19:37:15+00:00

Does a model of an ideal marriage exist?

Mine.. for me and her... but others it would not.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-09-21T21:05:26+00:00

Personally I believe in the working woman - SAHH model.

abaxeron · 2021-09-24T12:51:53+00:00

What is the ideal marriage dynamic in your opinion?

Ideal-Ideal: no dynamic.

Realistic-Ideal: a real, binding contract, outlining rights, obligations, and penalties for violations in all areas currently considered private. Including but not limited to: fullness and reliability of information on one's past (past sex partners, children, STIs, health conditions, ...), current and future piercings, tattoos, BMI, clothing and makeup choices; regularity and types of marital and extramarital sex, amount of children (and their gender, given that the interested party covers the fertility clinic service expenses), division of powers and responsibilities.

if the parties are not intelligent and mature enough to draft and negotiate this paper, they don't deserve to become a family.

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IOportA · 2021-09-22T19:50:13+00:00

Somebody I like to look at and talk to and do drugs with. It's not too complicated.

Title	What is the ideal marriage dynamic in your opinion?
Author	Slipthe
Upvotes	2
Comments	38
Date	September 21, 2021 7:32 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/psq4v2/what_is_the_ideal_marriage_dynamic_in_your_opinion/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-the-ideal-marriage-dynamic-in-your-opinion.1075118 https://theredarchive.com/post/1075118

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