I’m always the rebound or placeholder, what am I doing wrong?

arnezuara · 2021-10-25T19:32:51+00:00

You have to internalize that this issue has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Men who are “still in love with” or “not over” their exes are emotionally weak, dirty, and unintelligent people. They do not know how to handle themselves with dignity and grace: a man of integrity and value will understand that he should not date unless he is ready to.

Most LVM do not have what it takes to reflect on their past and take adequate action to ensure they will be emotionally available for their future partner. Instead, they rebound and treat other women like collateral damage.

What they do is deeply flawed, and will be rightfully unattractive to a woman with standards, unyielding boundaries, and sensible intuition.

My suggestions:

• Delete your OLD profiles and focus on your personal growth, especially with regard to this aspect.

• Reflect on the vetting strategies you used in the past to ensure that you recognize emotional availability in men.

• Reflect on the common characteristics/patterns that these men share. What red flags should you be aware of, as you continue to navigate the dating world? What did these men do or say that could have signaled emotional unavailability to you early on?

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-10-25T20:22:15+00:00

I had the same issue, and people around me said I was fishing in the wrong pond. I let that sink in. It wasn’t about me; just the guys I’ve picked. So I think your situation is close to mine. It’s them being sleazy, not you being bad.

arnezuara · 2021-10-25T19:35:49+00:00

Additionally, re-visit the Handbook. You should never tell men about your past experiences or traumas, as those will be used against you.

Aloe_You_Vera_Much · 2021-10-25T19:56:34+00:00

I’ll agree with the other commenter about opening up about past relationship issues too soon. You say you don’t tell them much, but even a little bit of talking about past relationships, being cautious, etc. is enough of an opening for them to exploit your traumas.

Usually the best way to respond to a question about your past relationship is to give a generic “it didn’t work out for us.” And if you want to get your point across about being cautious in dating, consider changing your word choice to “I prefer to take things slowly when starting to date someone.” Never give any more than that.

Lastly, I’m sorry but I’m concerned about describing yourself as “alpha”. That’s really reminiscent of language that redpill men use that often goes hand in hand with low self esteem. People who are on top of their game don’t need to describe themselves in that way. Similar to how nice people don’t need to tell people that, instead it comes across in their actions.

The problem with this is that men are really great at finding people with low self esteem and exploiting that. The handbook has some great resources for focusing on yourself, both in external ways (job, hygiene, finances) as well as internal ways (self esteem, self actualization, etc.) and I’d really recommend going over that.

Colour_riot · 2021-11-13T15:35:42+00:00

this is a bit late, but I wonder if you're not following the rule that they have to chase you. When they chase you and invest time and resources, they have to invest in you. When they are invested, they value you more.

LVM looking for a rebound / placeholder do not have the patience and resources to do that, so it's an automatic filter out.

It means never waiting for them to ask you out, planning your own stuff first (ie. other dates) if they don't. It means dropping dudes who don't try to impress you on the first, second, third, fourth date. It doesn't mean they're HVM even if they do, but at least you know you're filtering out low effort which is all that someone will usually give to a rebound or placeholder.

I also wouldn't bother listening to them talk about exes etc (no emotional labour). Drop at first instance.

Title	I’m always the rebound or placeholder, what am I doing wrong?
Author	kittycakes22
Upvotes	86
Comments	14
Date	October 25, 2021 7:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/qfntr2/im_always_the_rebound_or_placeholder_what_am_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/im-always-the-rebound-or-placeholder-what-am-i.1081866 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081866

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