~ archived since 2018 ~

Make sure you are his first option. Men can fake and pretend you’re his #1 because they’re lonely, when in fact you aren’t the one they want.

October 21, 2021

It’s sad how common this is, especially with older men with more baggage. I’ve taken to dating younger men now because every single one of them is still in love with their ex, or they didn’t have a chance with the one they truly want and would drop you for if that person wanted them.

I can’t say how many times I’ve experienced this with men I took the time to get to know, through celibacy and all. Eventually it turns out I’m just a rebound or second option. It’s scary how good they are at hiding it and lying because they want emotional support or attention from someone else.

It doesn’t matter how attractive or how much of a catch you are, there may be someone else at the back of his mind. Recently, I was slowly starting to open up to a guy 5 years older than me (I’m 27) and for months he was taking me on dates, we became close and he developed feelings understanding that I am taking my time.

The moment we have our first kiss, he cries about how he’s still in love with his ex from 5 years ago! Absolutely nuts. I had no hints whatsoever before. Men are sociopaths be careful and vet hard.

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Post Information
Title Make sure you are his first option. Men can fake and pretend you’re his #1 because they’re lonely, when in fact you aren’t the one they want.
Author kittycakes22
Upvotes 1087
Comments 70
Date October 21, 2021 8:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/make-sure-you-are-his-first-option-men-can-fake.1082592
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qd0zf6/make_sure_you_are_his_first_option_men_can_fake/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]GigaKarenEnergyFDS Newbie 368 points369 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Omg I was just thinking the same thing. I’m also close to your age and I was thinking like wow every guy at this point has “the one who got away” and we aren’t even in our thirties 💀

I also have an ex that won’t let go, as much as I want him to go and bother someone else, I feel bad for the next girl.

[–]ohnomaxwellslawsFDS Newbie 255 points256 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I agree! I’ve seen this happening a lot. What’s funny to me is that LVM will treat you so poorly when you’re in a relationship with them but then when it’s finally over they won’t let go and always try to come back 💀💀

[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie 204 points205 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's like they don't believe you will ever leave them, no matter how poorly they treat you. Then when you finally do leave they try everything to get you back to prove to themselves that they still have control over you. It's not about you, it's about them. Just block and delete.

[–]GigaKarenEnergyFDS Newbie 109 points110 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s so bizarre because you know it’s fake but they put an amazing amount of effort to contact you. It’s like- what’s the point the relationship is over 🙄

It’s so weird because like you said they treated you so poorly, yet, he still contact you like you were the love of his life lol

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 98 points99 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She’s called “the one that got away” because by the end it was so bad that she was literally struggling to get away.

[–]jjlew922FDS Disciple 211 points212 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Agreed. Even if you’re everything they want, if they haven’t worked through the baggage of their previous relationship failures he will 100% sabotage the relationship. This has happened to me multiple times and I ended all of them because they couldn’t fully show-up in the relationship because of their baggage. Each one sabotaged by either playing games or just generalized anxiety about commitment with no action behind the words to overcome on their part. No way I was gonna be therapist/mommy to help them through it. I communicated my issues and needs and let the rest unfold. With all of them I ended it within a month or two and each one tried to come back into my life once they realized they f’ed up. You may actually be the #1 they want but they can’t get there because of the baggage, especially with older men. If a man can’t show up and overcome when it matters, he’s not right for you. He’s got his own growing to do and you’ve walked away with a lesson learned. They were meant to be in your life for a season, not a lifetime. Never look back. Real behavioral change takes lots of personal development and years to accomplish, remind yourself of that.

[–]practicalmagikk 22 points23 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Same thing happened to me too -- didn't work through his own baggage (shitty parents/life) and stuff with his ex and completely sabotaged the relationship even though he said I was really important to him and he that wanted me (would say this often) blah blah.

No amount of communication of what I wanted/needed worked, where it would change for a couple days and then revert back to what was before, and then he sabotaged it even worse in the end.

[–]PalminatorFDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So good!!!

[–]productprincess007 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I needed to see this tonight. Especially the last sentence! Such a good reminder...

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This just guy told me “Me and my ex are not on speaking terms. I don’t want anyone, especially my ex”. And proceeds to “heart” every single one of her recent photos on her moms Facebook page. She doesn’t have Facebook herself but it looks like he definitely keeps tabs on her even if they aren’t on speaking terms. Can’t tell if that’s creepy or sad??

[–]AocwannabeFDS Newbie 432 points433 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It is purposefully kept from women that some men choose women for convenience and that’s it. Humans but especially men can be in relationships with people they do not respect or love.

Marriage has traditionally been a way for men to secure steady, consistent sex. It is not a guaranteed symbol of commitment.

We know this because think of all the married/committed men that flirt with you or are otherwise “too friendly”. And some men even use their married status to lure in naive women and/or pickme heaux.

Anyway, hone your gut and vet because your life and children’s lives depend on it. Remember that most people are lucky to fall in love once in this lifetime- that healthy, soul nourishing stuff many of us desire. So don’t feel bad if it takes time.

I’d rather have the real thing at 60- even if that is a long way away than anything fake or driven by loneliness.

[–]ThatsWhat__I__SaidFDS Apprentice 41 points42 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Heaux... lol I love it.

[–]rayne_chiFDS Newbie 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This 💯!!

[–]ironglaciersFDS Newbie 136 points137 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm 33 and the longer I'm alive the more I meet men of my age group and I find out why they are single. It's not always a bad reason, but there's always a reason. Don't settle for mediocrity.

[–]GigaKarenEnergyFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What were some actual good reasons….?

[–]ironglaciersFDS Newbie 37 points38 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Usually something job-related, or medical school, or whatever. Anything intensive. Maybe they were ill for a period of time. Maybe they were laid off at work and needed to find a way back. Maybe they had to care for a relative. If someone's time is occupied, that's a reason. Could be a good one or bad one.

[–]QueenAlice3FDS Newbie 398 points399 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Ask them to tell you about “the one that got away.” (You can even comfort them into telling you by saying “everyone has one.”)

Even if they vaguely mention someone it’s time to exit. You can never live up to the pretend version of someone from their past that they’ve built up in their head.

Holding onto past relationships in an idealized way is also a method of emotionally isolating yourself from people currently in your life. It becomes an excuse for not trying to really connect with someone new.

[–]CSardothien_1FDS Newbie 92 points93 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’d read an entire post about your last paragraph point.

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 49 points50 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I read a paragraph like that and wish we could infiltrate the Mano PhD research to share this type of information.

Can we hire an “alpha” male actor to speak for us, maybe guys would finally learn some real self-awareness.

[–]CSardothien_1FDS Newbie 56 points57 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Personally I think they tried that with the whole 500 days of summer thing. JGL’s character is a prime example of a man who sulks for days about the tone of response from Summer in the elevator about her weekend. Makes conclusions she’s fucking some other guy (or more) and this dude isn’t even in a relationship WITH HER! 😂 and pines after her for eternity…but nah let’s get Jordan Peterson or Joe Rogan type to spill this new age info. 😄

[–]FrogspocketFDS STRATEGY COACH 73 points74 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Last week someone here also pointed out that it's also sometimes a form of negging, which I thought was a brilliant observation. I have it saved because I like the way she worded it

[–]Fun_SherbetFDS Apprentice 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would also love to read more about this

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s a solid idea!

[–]Livia_DrusilaFDS Newbie 114 points115 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, this is so disturbing and disgusting to me. Never in my life did I feel like the #1... Well, maybe once, to my LVX who did cocaine. Thank god we're not defined by the men in our lives, but when I was a pickme I felt like the lowest trash. Men would just "pump and dump" me and I couldn't understand why on Earth I wasn't special for ANYONE after being brought up on such a steady diet of Titanic-like romantic propaganda. The same men who treated me like a fleshlight waxed lyrical about some other woman who rightfully dumped their asses and you can't help but wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?". It can really bring you down.

[–]Accomplished_Map8806 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Girl... I feel you. It's just that men have a mental list of women. They have a 1st one out of 10 that they really like, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't bang the other 9... Or be in relationships with them. I had male friends and I think most of them think this way. If a woman likes them most of the times won't let go the opportunity even if they don't love the woman because FREE SEX. But yeah, the moment the girl they like says YES they'll leave the other girl and suddenly go with the other one... So many relationships of couples for 7 years, 6, 5 years... And then women are waiting for their boyfriends to ask to marry them and BOOM suddenly they break up and marry another woman in 2 months. Its really common.

[–]AocwannabeFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Part of the reason that they marry the next one is that they recognize that their options are diminishing. It’s like an extreme rebound.

Story that I hope makes sense: I once had an ex that continued to act like my “friend” after he broke up with me. Brought me gifts for holidays and out of the blue. Invited me for cool dates . I was very confused and thought maybe it was because he was still in love with me. Sometimes I wouldn’t even respond to his texts and he would still continually reach out.

Then I realized that he was just using me for ego validation. In his head, at the moment he decided he wanted a relationship with me he could just ask and all of this “nice guy” stuff would pay off. And without guilt he could be out there pursuing other women for sex and relationships and using me as a backup.

Hanging out with me was a reminder of what was possible. That if he could get a woman like me, what else was out there? Especially as he was an average looking man with an average wallet, the single life wasn’t replete with opportunities like he thought it would be.

I finally told him to go away forever. I don’t lurk his social media anymore but as he is over 40 and his hairline continues to recede, he will do what most men do at that age. He will settle for the hottest woman he can get (whether or not he loves her) and marry her to secure access to regular sex and ego validation.

Until men are in their 40s they don’t understand that the media has lied to them about their desirability. This is why so many of them have that poonhound, desperation energy. Their fantasies of sex with 20 year olds are being met with the reality that women of all age groups don’t want them.

I’m sorry that you lovely women were unlucky and made to feel that your worth was in any way reflected by these trash men.

[–]say10s-exwifeFDS Newbie 105 points106 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A loser I was once in love with never got over his ex from a decade ago and has a whole ass Instagram account of poetry dedicated to her. Yikes. Beware of these sensitive softboy types.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie 69 points70 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any strategies to vet for this? Obviously allowing him to pursue, noting his effort and thoughtfulness, but beyond that?

[–]PalminatorFDS Newbie 67 points68 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I feel like men always tell on themselves. Eventually (truly sooner than later), they will say something reminiscent of “the one who got away”. Example: My ex used to do this. My ex hated strawberries. My ex loved that color, too.

Block and delete

[–]LizardInFirstFDS Apprentice 29 points30 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My ex commented that I couldn’t get my mouth as far down his dick as his ex did 🤮 I should have left there and then and saved a year of my life.

[–]PalminatorFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]fogplumFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For my first boyfriend around 20, it was some girl who rejected him in middle school lmao

[–]shedipityFDS Newbie 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’d like to know too! Perhaps a lot may be intuition or the way he acts when you begin to be intimate, but there’s definitely got to be some strategies.

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No clue. :/ it just comes out of nowhere.

[–]_cnz_FDS Newbie 72 points73 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Its not even older men anymore, its also young men. Im in my early 20s and every guy that I've ever gone out with is still in love or heavily traumatized by their first (typically hs) girlfriend. By the second date, each and everyone has found a way to bring up their ex in a conversation.

Im tired of competing with girls who they dated before their balls even dropped. I've given up with dating completely

[–]NowTrulyFDS Newbie 41 points42 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Im tired of competing with girls who they dated before their balls even dropped.

And that was how my belly laugh woke up the neighbors….

[–]modernmedusaaRuthless Strategist 41 points42 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re not competing though

Those women don’t want them and it’s likely they pushed them well away

Scrotes mostly bring up their ex to try triangulate us bc they’re bitter they got dumped

Scrotes really hate being rejected - they get so used to playing clown games with women all over the place…. they forget they might play themselves one day

Like realistically if they really wanted her and she really wanted him, they’d be together

They’re not because she doesn’t want him because he’s still the same lazy useless wishy washy scrote he was when she left him

If he wanted, he WOULD!!

I think it’s mostly just an excuse for men to mess you around & play the field & try belittle you into acting like a Pickmeisha

Which is likely why his beloved ex girlfriend got sick of him too

[–]confusedwithlife20 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I feel your pain. Don’t think you’re the problem either… Enjoy this single life. I work with all men and see the shit they pull with their wives. It’s better to be single

[–]ironglaciersFDS Newbie 64 points65 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The thing is, I'm lonely too, and I've pretty much always been lonely, so I know exactly what a guy who actually gives a damn will do because they want you, versus when they just don't want to be alone, because I have done the same in the past.

[–]ComprehensiveAmoeba9FDS Apprentice 53 points54 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Any mention of an exgf during the first few dates and I’m gone. If they bring her up, they’re almost always not over her and/or still talking to them. One guy I dated got out of a 6-7ish year relationship 6 months prior to our first date. I had a weird feeling and wondered if it was too soon for him. Turns out I was right, they were still talking, he had commitment issues due to the breakup and not being emotionally ready to move on yet, and pretty sure I was used as a rebound. Trust your gut and no you’re not insecure for not being okay with him and his ex talking.

[–]herbivorouscarnivoreFDS Newbie 144 points145 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

“Older men with more baggage” made me laugh, because they tend to say women their age have too much baggage. That, in turn, translates to, “Wise enough to not put up with LVM’s garbage.” lol

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 117 points118 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I literally finished a first date with a guy where he complemented me for “not being like other women my age.”

When I asked him to elaborate he used the word bitter.

[–]Jandi18FDS Newbie 88 points89 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Looks that this loser shot himself in the foot! Hope you walked out and blocked that idiot.

[–]millennialpink2000FDS Apprentice 139 points140 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Another reason to avoid guys who stay friends with exes

[–]shedipityFDS Newbie 103 points104 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The classic “you’re insecure for not letting your bf have female friends” 🤡

[–]AocwannabeFDS Newbie 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Friends with exes= imaginary harem

[–]noseatbeltsongFDS Newbie 30 points31 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah but HOW can we do this? This is why we always have to keep vetting. Because men LIE that we are their #1 choice. We may just be the convenient choice, or the easier choice

[–]AocwannabeFDS Newbie 21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is why I want to meet a man who has as many options as I do and we choose each other out of all the other options.

Men who don’t have options love bomb and/or are broke and beg you to rely on their potential. But if they get money, they have more options and cannot handle it.

Men who have options and choose loving relationships have learned to delay gratification which bodes well for a committed partnership.

[–]noseatbeltsongFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well said and I agree!

[–]AyemHerselfFDS Disciple 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've become convinced that I was little more than a filler option for my ex's dead wife or married ex-lover. Someone to pass the time until he drank himself to death or the ex-lover left her husband for him. Feels bad because I spent six years on the guy, but at least I'm rid of him.

[–]stalientFDS Newbie 158 points159 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is really good advice, and something I wish I could explain better to my pickme friends who make the first move on men. They don't understand why it's so important to be a guy's #1 from the jump.

Where do you meet younger guys btw? I want to meet more mid 20s guys. If a guy is 30+, women need to be extra vigilant in making sure they plan and pay for high quality dates as they court you, because chances are he's a waste of time. If i date an older guy, I'm gonna try extra hard to have a roster.

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, feeling like a second option is not for me, some girls will put up with it though.

I’m pretty involved in the music community in my city and play music as well, go to a lot of shows and there are a plethora of younger men in those areas! Always a good idea to keep a roster.

[–]OutlandishnessOk 24 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was unlucky enough to stumble upon a discreet way to ask about this. I had a book of questions for relationships and every time I asked "what is your favorite memory" my boyfriends would start talking about sex with an ex, or kissing some girl in high school... I ask during early dates now.

[–]TexanLycan 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For me it's been the opposite. Trying to date young guys was a nightmare. They never wanted to settle and they were always out looking for fresh meat. Too busy hanging with friends and were not familiar with what it meant to be romantic. Some ghosted before a stable relationship was even in place.

I stopped looking for a partner for nearly 6 years, because each one I met seemed immature and unprepared for a future. Finally met a man who is 7 years older than me. I'm 33 and he's 39. Never met a man more affectionate, respectful, and considerate as him. We are married and now expecting our first child.

What I've learned from this is, it's best to be patient and not jump from relationship to relationship. Give yourself plenty of time to learn who you are and what you are capable of so you never settle for less than what you deserve. When you meet someone, lightly test the waters. See what kind of person they are, don't give too much away about yourself, and just see how well you two click before saying "Okay, this one seems like a good one".

[–]enthusiasticaf 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The number of times I’ve ended up being the practice girlfriend is too damn high.

[–]pastelitosimpaticoFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I mean that sucks, I hope you are okay and don't feel bad about it. At least he didn't wait for longer to say it.

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was pretty upset because I was like wow someone is willing to wait for me to open up and actually likes me for me. Then nope.. But at least now I can be even more cautious. Soon enough I’ll have a whole suit of protective armor.

[–]Classic_Perception_1 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Happened to me this past year and my ex was 2 years younger than me. (23) I guess if you’re not his dream girl don’t bother. They are ALL waiting to trade you up for the women from their past or the women of their dreams. It’s simple logistic men want women who give them a hard time, bruise their ego, or are simply unattainable. Hence why guys that you absolutely DON’T like can never get the hint! Unless he absolutely checks off all ur boxes, there’s no reason to give these men any play. NO MATTER WHAT AGE. Most guys are hung up on their first love or someone who did them wrong. They won’t tell us because men don’t like to heal they’d rathe damage other females while they wait around for Mrs. Right. Don’t be a Mrs Right now because the majority men only have 1 special person in mind. Seriously like I hated realizing I was someone’s second choice, matter of fact last! Don’t be like me pleaseeeew🥲

[–]thyroidcrp 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All of my girlfriends have been telling me to date “younger” guys 25-30. I am 33 for reference and I always found the idea weird as my LVM ex was 5 years older than me, most dates 3-7 years older than me but I truly believe they are onto something. Younger guys seem less intimidated, less sexist, and more open to a partnership vs caveman bs.

[–]globeaute 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your post is the truth. I learned this all too recently. The crazy thing is that I repeatedly asked if he was willing to commit. I told him I would be fine with not being exclusive anymore or ending things and he refused to be honest. I won’t let this situation make me bitter though. It’s another life lesson.

[–]breadfruitbanana 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband is 5 years younger than me. We met when I was 27. Can recommend.

(Before him everyone I dated was 5-10 years older).

[–]ItsFreezenFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]_moonessFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is absolutely true, I don’t think men can move on from love the way we can. He will always have her in the back of his mind. If he was smart he’d have made her his wife and taken care of her, but instead he treated her like crap and she inevitably left.

I was in a toxic on again off again relationship with a man for 3 years, and I think I was that girl to him. To this day he still tries to contact me. Every time I left him he would get another girl within days. When we would inevitably get back together (I was trauma bonded hard) he would give them some fake excuse and break things off. Here are some of the things he would do to break things off with the new girl, there were COUNTLESS women he did this to…

  • “work is really hard right now, I need to focus on that”

  • “I’m going through some personal stuff that I need to deal with right now”

  • his favorite was just reducing the texting over time until the thing fizzled out

Note that in every scenario he gave excuses that would leave the door open for re-entry at a later time. That’s why, for me, a major red flag is when a guy gives me any one of these excuses above. I know instantly he’s got an ex hidden in the back of his heart and mind.

[–]fak_beauty_standardsFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh legit. I once dated that guy and he had a picture of him and his ex years ago on the beach (he looked much younger). I asked who that, he said that's a picture waiting to be replaced and so far no lady has come close.

Other guy told me he doesn't like to kiss, but years ago there was some girl he was inlove with and that was the only time he liked it.

[–]bleda_princeznaFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So gross. First guy probably thought it'll make you fight for him. 🤢 The second one... No comment, he basically treated women like hookers with the whole no kissing rule.

So many crazy stories on this sub, unbelievable. Couldn't make it up if I tried. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s men for ya

[–]prawnmayo 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


I am 41. So is my ex. He is now dating this poor woman (probably younger, though he won't give me any information about her) and going on family holidays and stuff with her. I have no doubt that he would take me back in a heartbeat.

I can't explain why he would prefer me, other than that I am the mother of his child and he has always been obsessed with me. Problem is, he's a narcissist and a bully. I would rather be alone.

For now, I am sure he is feeding her some lines about how I have mental problems and I abandoned him, taking his child away. She probably feels sorry for him and attributes any weirdness in his behaviour/refusal to commit as proof that I damaged him.

He probably also looks like a catch - he cheated me in the divorce so he has a beautiful family home in a great location, he's attractive, and he only has our daughter enough to show off what a great dad he is to his gf on the weekend while I take care of all of her needs and ensure she is happy and adorable.

I feel sorry for her. Don't be that lady.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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