Make sure you are his first option. Men can fake and pretend you’re his #1 because they’re lonely, when in fact you aren’t the one they want.

GigaKarenEnergy · 2021-10-21T21:25:24+00:00

Omg I was just thinking the same thing. I’m also close to your age and I was thinking like wow every guy at this point has “the one who got away” and we aren’t even in our thirties 💀

I also have an ex that won’t let go, as much as I want him to go and bother someone else, I feel bad for the next girl.

jjlew922 · 2021-10-21T22:02:45+00:00

Agreed. Even if you’re everything they want, if they haven’t worked through the baggage of their previous relationship failures he will 100% sabotage the relationship. This has happened to me multiple times and I ended all of them because they couldn’t fully show-up in the relationship because of their baggage. Each one sabotaged by either playing games or just generalized anxiety about commitment with no action behind the words to overcome on their part. No way I was gonna be therapist/mommy to help them through it. I communicated my issues and needs and let the rest unfold. With all of them I ended it within a month or two and each one tried to come back into my life once they realized they f’ed up. You may actually be the #1 they want but they can’t get there because of the baggage, especially with older men. If a man can’t show up and overcome when it matters, he’s not right for you. He’s got his own growing to do and you’ve walked away with a lesson learned. They were meant to be in your life for a season, not a lifetime. Never look back. Real behavioral change takes lots of personal development and years to accomplish, remind yourself of that.

Aocwannabe · 2021-10-21T21:40:25+00:00

It is purposefully kept from women that some men choose women for convenience and that’s it. Humans but especially men can be in relationships with people they do not respect or love.

Marriage has traditionally been a way for men to secure steady, consistent sex. It is not a guaranteed symbol of commitment.

We know this because think of all the married/committed men that flirt with you or are otherwise “too friendly”. And some men even use their married status to lure in naive women and/or pickme heaux.

Anyway, hone your gut and vet because your life and children’s lives depend on it. Remember that most people are lucky to fall in love once in this lifetime- that healthy, soul nourishing stuff many of us desire. So don’t feel bad if it takes time.

I’d rather have the real thing at 60- even if that is a long way away than anything fake or driven by loneliness.

ironglaciers · 2021-10-22T00:40:16+00:00

I'm 33 and the longer I'm alive the more I meet men of my age group and I find out why they are single. It's not always a bad reason, but there's always a reason. Don't settle for mediocrity.

QueenAlice3 · 2021-10-21T22:03:38+00:00

Ask them to tell you about “the one that got away.” (You can even comfort them into telling you by saying “everyone has one.”)

Even if they vaguely mention someone it’s time to exit. You can never live up to the pretend version of someone from their past that they’ve built up in their head.

Holding onto past relationships in an idealized way is also a method of emotionally isolating yourself from people currently in your life. It becomes an excuse for not trying to really connect with someone new.

Livia_Drusila · 2021-10-22T00:21:26+00:00

Yeah, this is so disturbing and disgusting to me. Never in my life did I feel like the #1... Well, maybe once, to my LVX who did cocaine. Thank god we're not defined by the men in our lives, but when I was a pickme I felt like the lowest trash. Men would just "pump and dump" me and I couldn't understand why on Earth I wasn't special for ANYONE after being brought up on such a steady diet of Titanic-like romantic propaganda. The same men who treated me like a fleshlight waxed lyrical about some other woman who rightfully dumped their asses and you can't help but wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?". It can really bring you down.

say10s-exwife · 2021-10-22T01:34:47+00:00

A loser I was once in love with never got over his ex from a decade ago and has a whole ass Instagram account of poetry dedicated to her. Yikes. Beware of these sensitive softboy types.

fogplum · 2021-10-21T21:27:09+00:00

Do you have any strategies to vet for this? Obviously allowing him to pursue, noting his effort and thoughtfulness, but beyond that?

_cnz_ · 2021-10-22T07:48:27+00:00

Its not even older men anymore, its also young men. Im in my early 20s and every guy that I've ever gone out with is still in love or heavily traumatized by their first (typically hs) girlfriend. By the second date, each and everyone has found a way to bring up their ex in a conversation.

Im tired of competing with girls who they dated before their balls even dropped. I've given up with dating completely

ironglaciers · 2021-10-22T00:34:07+00:00

The thing is, I'm lonely too, and I've pretty much always been lonely, so I know exactly what a guy who actually gives a damn will do because they want you, versus when they just don't want to be alone, because I have done the same in the past.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-10-22T05:22:56+00:00

Any mention of an exgf during the first few dates and I’m gone. If they bring her up, they’re almost always not over her and/or still talking to them. One guy I dated got out of a 6-7ish year relationship 6 months prior to our first date. I had a weird feeling and wondered if it was too soon for him. Turns out I was right, they were still talking, he had commitment issues due to the breakup and not being emotionally ready to move on yet, and pretty sure I was used as a rebound. Trust your gut and no you’re not insecure for not being okay with him and his ex talking.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-10-21T23:00:40+00:00

“Older men with more baggage” made me laugh, because they tend to say women their age have too much baggage. That, in turn, translates to, “Wise enough to not put up with LVM’s garbage.” lol

millennialpink2000 · 2021-10-21T23:28:00+00:00

Another reason to avoid guys who stay friends with exes

noseatbeltsong · 2021-10-22T03:25:30+00:00

Yeah but HOW can we do this? This is why we always have to keep vetting. Because men LIE that we are their #1 choice. We may just be the convenient choice, or the easier choice

AyemHerself · 2021-10-22T03:50:17+00:00

I've become convinced that I was little more than a filler option for my ex's dead wife or married ex-lover. Someone to pass the time until he drank himself to death or the ex-lover left her husband for him. Feels bad because I spent six years on the guy, but at least I'm rid of him.

stalient · 2021-10-21T21:12:48+00:00

This is really good advice, and something I wish I could explain better to my pickme friends who make the first move on men. They don't understand why it's so important to be a guy's #1 from the jump.

Where do you meet younger guys btw? I want to meet more mid 20s guys. If a guy is 30+, women need to be extra vigilant in making sure they plan and pay for high quality dates as they court you, because chances are he's a waste of time. If i date an older guy, I'm gonna try extra hard to have a roster.

OutlandishnessOk · 2021-10-21T23:40:08+00:00

I was unlucky enough to stumble upon a discreet way to ask about this. I had a book of questions for relationships and every time I asked "what is your favorite memory" my boyfriends would start talking about sex with an ex, or kissing some girl in high school... I ask during early dates now.

TexanLycan · 2021-10-21T21:30:36+00:00

For me it's been the opposite. Trying to date young guys was a nightmare. They never wanted to settle and they were always out looking for fresh meat. Too busy hanging with friends and were not familiar with what it meant to be romantic. Some ghosted before a stable relationship was even in place.

I stopped looking for a partner for nearly 6 years, because each one I met seemed immature and unprepared for a future. Finally met a man who is 7 years older than me. I'm 33 and he's 39. Never met a man more affectionate, respectful, and considerate as him. We are married and now expecting our first child.

What I've learned from this is, it's best to be patient and not jump from relationship to relationship. Give yourself plenty of time to learn who you are and what you are capable of so you never settle for less than what you deserve. When you meet someone, lightly test the waters. See what kind of person they are, don't give too much away about yourself, and just see how well you two click before saying "Okay, this one seems like a good one".

enthusiasticaf · 2021-10-21T22:05:06+00:00

The number of times I’ve ended up being the practice girlfriend is too damn high.

pastelitosimpatico · 2021-10-21T23:11:53+00:00

I mean that sucks, I hope you are okay and don't feel bad about it. At least he didn't wait for longer to say it.

Classic_Perception_1 · 2021-10-21T23:19:41+00:00

Happened to me this past year and my ex was 2 years younger than me. (23) I guess if you’re not his dream girl don’t bother. They are ALL waiting to trade you up for the women from their past or the women of their dreams. It’s simple logistic men want women who give them a hard time, bruise their ego, or are simply unattainable. Hence why guys that you absolutely DON’T like can never get the hint! Unless he absolutely checks off all ur boxes, there’s no reason to give these men any play. NO MATTER WHAT AGE. Most guys are hung up on their first love or someone who did them wrong. They won’t tell us because men don’t like to heal they’d rathe damage other females while they wait around for Mrs. Right. Don’t be a Mrs Right now because the majority men only have 1 special person in mind. Seriously like I hated realizing I was someone’s second choice, matter of fact last! Don’t be like me pleaseeeew🥲

thyroidcrp · 2021-10-22T06:17:43+00:00

All of my girlfriends have been telling me to date “younger” guys 25-30. I am 33 for reference and I always found the idea weird as my LVM ex was 5 years older than me, most dates 3-7 years older than me but I truly believe they are onto something. Younger guys seem less intimidated, less sexist, and more open to a partnership vs caveman bs.

kittycakes22 · 2021-10-22T12:12:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

globeaute · 2021-10-21T21:30:09+00:00

Your post is the truth. I learned this all too recently. The crazy thing is that I repeatedly asked if he was willing to commit. I told him I would be fine with not being exclusive anymore or ending things and he refused to be honest. I won’t let this situation make me bitter though. It’s another life lesson.

breadfruitbanana · 2021-10-22T08:38:11+00:00

My husband is 5 years younger than me. We met when I was 27. Can recommend.

(Before him everyone I dated was 5-10 years older).

ItsFreezen · 2021-10-21T23:29:00+00:00

100%

_mooness · 2021-10-22T16:50:57+00:00

This is absolutely true, I don’t think men can move on from love the way we can. He will always have her in the back of his mind. If he was smart he’d have made her his wife and taken care of her, but instead he treated her like crap and she inevitably left.

I was in a toxic on again off again relationship with a man for 3 years, and I think I was that girl to him. To this day he still tries to contact me. Every time I left him he would get another girl within days. When we would inevitably get back together (I was trauma bonded hard) he would give them some fake excuse and break things off. Here are some of the things he would do to break things off with the new girl, there were COUNTLESS women he did this to…

“work is really hard right now, I need to focus on that”
“I’m going through some personal stuff that I need to deal with right now”
his favorite was just reducing the texting over time until the thing fizzled out

Note that in every scenario he gave excuses that would leave the door open for re-entry at a later time. That’s why, for me, a major red flag is when a guy gives me any one of these excuses above. I know instantly he’s got an ex hidden in the back of his heart and mind.

fak_beauty_standards · 2021-10-22T21:06:43+00:00

Oh legit. I once dated that guy and he had a picture of him and his ex years ago on the beach (he looked much younger). I asked who that, he said that's a picture waiting to be replaced and so far no lady has come close.

Other guy told me he doesn't like to kiss, but years ago there was some girl he was inlove with and that was the only time he liked it.

prawnmayo · 2021-10-22T10:35:42+00:00

Absolutely.

I am 41. So is my ex. He is now dating this poor woman (probably younger, though he won't give me any information about her) and going on family holidays and stuff with her. I have no doubt that he would take me back in a heartbeat.

I can't explain why he would prefer me, other than that I am the mother of his child and he has always been obsessed with me. Problem is, he's a narcissist and a bully. I would rather be alone.

For now, I am sure he is feeding her some lines about how I have mental problems and I abandoned him, taking his child away. She probably feels sorry for him and attributes any weirdness in his behaviour/refusal to commit as proof that I damaged him.

He probably also looks like a catch - he cheated me in the divorce so he has a beautiful family home in a great location, he's attractive, and he only has our daughter enough to show off what a great dad he is to his gf on the weekend while I take care of all of her needs and ensure she is happy and adorable.

I feel sorry for her. Don't be that lady.

Title	Make sure you are his first option. Men can fake and pretend you’re his #1 because they’re lonely, when in fact you aren’t the one they want.
Author	kittycakes22
Upvotes	1087
Comments	70
Date	October 21, 2021 8:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	/r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/make-sure-you-are-his-first-option-men-can-fake.1082592 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082592
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qd0zf6/make_sure_you_are_his_first_option_men_can_fake/