Why do men “not want a relationship” because of a breakup ages ago, but women are still willing to seek real connections and love despite the amount of horror we’ve gone through?

2021-11-28T07:46:55+00:00

Because usually it was the "girl who got away" that dumped him, not the other way round, and the bruised ego hurts a lot. It has nothing to do with "love" for her. They just can't get over rejection.

jetcake · 2021-11-28T04:22:40+00:00

"[Insert leading comment about how great/pretty/nice/anything to compliment you to soften the incoming blow], but I'm not looking for anything serious."

Whenever I have encountered this comment, it's because the guy already has another two or so girls that he is screwing around with and you are the backup. If you say this? Oh my God, the floodgates have opened, and you are the biggest sl** they have ever met. PLEASE.

There was a relationship that I was in where my mom was scheduled to have major surgery. He, on the other hand, got an apartment with his buddy who was a known freeloaded, and that was when our relationship changed. My ex became LV when he decided that us now spending time with his friends all the time was the same as spending time together. My worries about my mom's surgery was falling on deaf ears and eventually we broke up.

Months later, he wanted to rekindle our relationship, and this wasn't the only time. He would bait me by taking me out and spending time together, then drop the bomb on me that "I'm not looking for anything serious". It crushed me, but I still held on because of how much I still loved him. The time I never should have spoken to him again was after he accidentally called me. I missed the phone call, but there was a voicemail, so I go to listen to the voicemail and nearly died.

It was 40 minutes (before Google Voice) of him, his cousin, and his idiot buddy that lived with him talking about all of these different girls. I will never forget not exactly hearing the name that sounded nothing like my own, but I heard my ex clear as a bell gloat, "I'll be fucking HER SOON ENOUGH!" That was after our phone call where we had plans that weekend. You can only guess what he told me that weekend: "I'm not looking for anything serious".

Cut these guys off at the knees.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2021-11-28T00:05:05+00:00

I think it's just a lie as an excuse, or a rationalization for bad behavior.

kansascitydream · 2021-11-28T01:16:34+00:00

Hot take: he treated the ex like shit too. Now he has the perfect “excuse” to treat you, and every other woman even worse.

QueenAlice3 · 2021-11-28T01:20:24+00:00

Hahahahahaha… they were never more emotionally available. More likely they were emotionally performative and when she left him he used it as an excuse to stop performing.

Men really are looking for the lowest level of effort possible and any excuse to live at that level.

Guaranteed he would have ended up a useless waste no matter who he dated on a long enough timeline.

Davina33 · 2021-11-28T08:37:39+00:00

Just excuses. On a serious note, I believe women are far more resilient generally. Society doesn't give us the benefit of the doubt like they do men. We are more likely to internalise our pain than men do as well.

DiosaCordilia · 2021-11-28T01:38:51+00:00

👈🏃‍♀️ Sadboiiii problems 🚩

apommom · 2021-11-28T00:08:32+00:00

Most likely they were damaged before that particular breakup but just localize all their feelings onto “the one who got away”

There is absolutely no reason to feel jealous, you should only be assessing if the guy in question is LV or not. If he is, then he has always been that way. Any guy that cannot process his emotions in a healthy way is LV/NV

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-28T01:12:29+00:00

Honestly, it’s low EQ and fear of intimacy. I know men in their 30’s and 40’s who only do hook-ups because they had a breakup in their early 20’s. Definitely don’t be jealous, these men are LV. They aren’t going to magically flip the script, either. You don’t come back from using women as sex dolls for years and then having a successful longterm monogamous relationship. You’ve already trained you brain and body to separate sex and intimacy.

katiekat0214 · 2021-11-28T14:46:29+00:00

Super quick, easy vetting strategy: "So, what work are you doing to get over that?" And use wait time. Take a longggg sip of your drink, look at him, and wait for an answer. Works wonders.

punyhumannumber2 · 2021-11-28T02:03:30+00:00

Because we see people as individuals. Men see women as just one hive mind.

souredskittles · 2021-11-28T05:45:23+00:00

Meh I don’t think it’s true when they say that. It’s just another arbitrary excuse to not commit to you.

Also a big part of them having “the one that got away” is them being guilty for not being a good partner. No they didn’t treat them better, if that was true they would still be together.

ceramicunicorn · 2021-11-28T02:32:39+00:00

We’re socialized to think we need to, and not socialized to drive a hard bargain.

They are socialized to try to get a good bargain with the benefits of a relationship, but not the responsibilities. “The hurt from ages ago” is just a mechanism for the goal.

GlitteryMoss · 2021-11-28T09:38:31+00:00

I end up feeling jealous over the ex who he did more for,

That he said he did more for, but who knows if it is true.

I am going out on a limb and saying because societies condition women that they should be coupled up. So we end up chasing that dream as if it was a right. From faerie tales when you are little, to toys that seem to be geared to making girls housewives (nothing wrong with that, but ffs, there are legos, meccanos, laboratory kits etc, and girls should get all those too!)

Platipus6 · 2021-11-28T01:36:18+00:00

They idealize the first woman to touch their dick at a time when they're flooded with stupid hormones. They become literally addicted to her via sex.

Nothing and no-one can get them that high again so they blame the women who can't give them that, as if we're the problem.

lansburysoda · 2021-11-28T00:52:58+00:00

Because they believe it absolves them of any responsibility for their actions in the present moment.

bananna_nut · 2021-11-28T03:15:31+00:00

I think it is partly because women are pressured into relationships in order to not become a "crazy cat lady/spinster". There's definitely a stigma that women face for being single for a long time versus men being a life-long bachelor for example.

honestlyidkfr · 2021-11-28T18:07:29+00:00

Translation: “I initially faked emotional intimacy with my last girlfriend who eventually demanded that I show her the minimum of respect and when I didn’t she broke up with me (and I lost my endless supply of free sex) so instead of trying to appear to be a decent human being I throw my shit at women and see who sticks because I don’t respect women and instead view them as objects and a means to an end, that end being sex.”

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-28T06:02:19+00:00

Because they think they'll get the gentle treatment abused kittens with trust issues get. These tall hairy fucks think they'll get pity and sympathy for driving some poor woman crazy five years ago and calling it a "bad breakup".

They also use it as an excuse to mistreat women, because deep down they know their actions are horrible, and they know they'll be judged harshly for it if they don't make themselves look like pitiful products of their environment.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-28T00:29:43+00:00

How do you know he did more for the ex?

Also, men who use this excuse were LV to begin with. Can you imagine the uproar if women did the equivalent? In my case, letting a man subsidize my lifestyle but giving nothing in return - emotional or otherwise - because being widowed was traumatic and I can never put myself out there again? (Being widowed was traumatic, but that’s what therapy/bereavement groups are for. And leveling up for my own well being. Only a LV loser wouldn’t even try to pick themselves up, and scapegoat the past.)

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2021-11-28T00:11:37+00:00

Women are more resilient and emotionally intelligent, period.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-11-28T17:21:36+00:00

Women internalize their trauma and work on actually healing themselves and using their emotional intelligence to become a better person. It's why even though women have double the rates of depression as men they are able to still show up in life and take care of those around them whereas men blame everyone around them and refuse to change.

JulyParade · 2021-11-28T01:57:20+00:00

He was a terrible boyfriend to her too - that's why she dumped him. An HVM would have used that break up as the motivation to seek therapy and work on himself. The ones stuck on the ex never "did more" for her and were never emotionally available to her. Why do you think she dumped them? Because she was probably HVW seeking HVM!

queenofswordsxxx · 2021-11-28T16:26:45+00:00

Because they are weak and way too concerned with power - “if he loves a woman, she will then have the power to hurt him, to deprive him, to engulf him, to abandon him” - the Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward

Carneliancat · 2021-11-28T01:51:01+00:00

Because men are weak. Women are not.

1Here4Bach · 2021-11-28T13:39:57+00:00

The majority of men don’t know how to heal so they use it as an excuse to project their pain outwards and hurt other people.

_xyoungbellax_ · 2021-11-28T02:36:37+00:00

Women are emotionally strong and don't obsessively look for excuses, unlike men. Also, even when he says shit like "My ex did so and so, I lost a gem, blah blah blah", don't ever believe him. He wants to test your boundaries and emotionally manipulate you into coddling him. If things were really that great with his ex, like he overly proclaims, then they wouldn't have broken up.

fab_pofu · 2021-11-28T16:21:48+00:00

I think it’s because men are considered respectable even when single as long as they are able to get laid, whereas people consider a single woman a failure. So women have a lot more social pressure to get into a relationship despite their trauma.

Also, like everyone else is saying, the men could just be lying and want an excuse to hook up.

Africanaissues · 2021-11-28T19:15:17+00:00

The want all the benefits a relationship offers them without the responsibility of being loyal, available and loving on their part.

The_Nobody_Diaries · 2021-11-28T09:37:21+00:00

He doesn't not want a relationship. He just does not want a relationship with you. If they like a woman, men will move heaven and earth to be with her.

The whole broken beyond repair spiel is just an excuse for pity sex without strings.

tortllaa · 2021-11-28T06:45:50+00:00

My ex would tell me he was such a good guy/bf and cute examples of things he did for his ex girlfriend who 1. Wouldn’t have sex with him and 2. Broke up with him.

He never did anything nice for me— never even paid when we went out OR asked me to go out anywhere. And I would think “what am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he bring me flowers or coffee like he did for her?”

At the end of the day, I think it was bc he just didn’t care about me. If he wanted to, he would.

Same goes for any man. If he says he “isn’t ready” or gives some other lame excuse it’s bc he doesn’t want to date you and nothing you do is going to change his mind (except maybe cutting him off and forgetting about him😂)

extragouda · 2021-11-28T03:49:34+00:00

In my experience, those men have always hated women and will use the ex as a reason to continue hating them. From time to time, they want a warm body to cuddle but often do not have the maturity or emotional bandwidth to care for a dog or cat. So they look for women who are willing to put out for them, but they prioritize their selfishness by saying that they are too "hurt" by past events to make the relationship an equal give or take situation.

The reason the ex is an ex is because he probably did not have the emotional ability to make a relationship work with her.

Of course, there are men who have exes who are also interested in starting again in committed relationships. There are also women who are sick of their hobo-sexual baby-man exes and don't want any more long term relationships ever. Everyone is different. If you are dealing with men who have left long-term relationships (marriages, engagements), those often take a long time to heal from.

Kimpractical · 2021-11-28T03:48:28+00:00

It’s just an excuse. It’s annoying when they do it cause they will claim they got cheated on once or something and now have commitment issues… okay coward, I’ve had a lot worse things happen to me than cheating and don’t use it as an excuse to act like a shithead

stinkylittlecat · 2021-11-28T03:56:24+00:00

Last guy I dated got dumped by the last three women he was in relationships with. He used the "trauma" from that as an excuse to dump me, saying that if he put effort into a relationship it would go to waste just because his last three went to waste. Couldn't even do it directly to my face until I asked him why he was ignoring me so much.

Men stinky

AnniaT · 2021-11-28T12:00:22+00:00

I've seen men in their 30s justifying not wanting a relationship or being cheating jerks due to a break up/heartbreak when they were in high-school. Sure men don't usually go to therapy or try to be better when they go through traumatic events but I believe that in most cases the "ex, the one who went away that they're still pinning decades after" is actually just an excuse to be a scrote and use women for sex and emotional labor and not actually that they're still traumatized by the break up. Sure they might from time to time stalk this mythical ex or idealize her but in most cases I think they'd be emotional unavailable and just using women anyways with or without the existence of this ex girlfriend and past heartbreak.

MofoMadame · 2021-11-28T13:07:19+00:00

He was never good to that ex either. Thats why she dumped him. He now knows a relationship requires effort, so he's way less into that, especially if you throw some hurt feelings on top. Plus, he and his buds have found that if they tell a woman this line of bullshit she will often still give him the full girlfriend, maybe even wife treatment,without any extra effort on his part.

They do it cause they are children n women let them get away with it. You cant love him enough to level up in tbat relationship, so you gotta level up in your relationship with your self. Love yourself more and give yourself that special treatment.

I'd also like to add that women should see such male declarations as what they truely are, his admitting that he is too damaged for a relationship. This is where you say, "no thanks, next", then find someone less damaged or at least a little more resilient. It is never a challenge to accept, why do that to yourself. It's insanity! If someone tells you they are too emotionally fucked up to be in a relationship, believe them. Cause he aint lying, even if he is saying it as manipulation. He doesnt want to be your boyfriend or care abput you, but he'll still fuck you and use all the services your feelings will provide him. That's a lame-assed deal that should be totally denied. If women stop putting up with that bullshut, I bet many of these scrotes would find themselves miraculously healed and ready to find "The One".

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-11-28T04:23:57+00:00

Because their guys are shitty abusive LVM's. The breakups happened because those women were probably mistreated and wanted an out. He didn't get that because he's selfish and came up with his own story so he can keep shitting on women.

backforbeskar · 2021-11-28T08:18:06+00:00

I think it’s just a convenient lie they tell women they want to sleep with but don’t want to be in a relationship with. Men who want to actually date and marry have zero qualms about their past trauma and actually move super quickly to lock it down. So if a guy is telling you this - translation: I am going to dick around until the right one comes along.

ItsFreezen · 2021-11-28T11:53:22+00:00

Scrotes get off manipulating women into thinking they want a relationship.

AffectionateBunnies · 2021-11-28T09:11:11+00:00

men are literally full of shit when they say this. it’s just to get you to do gf things without being his gf. it’s gross. watched it happen to three of my friends and did they listen to me? of course not because that would mean they have to reflect inwardly about why they keep letting these men use them like this. seriously being a young married women with dumb ass single friends makes me glad my SO agrees with me on these things. they never make me feel shitty, and i’m baffled that anyone would LET someone treat them like this.

Muffcakelord · 2021-11-28T14:02:00+00:00

Cause it's a lie. Men are just slutty

Colour_riot · 2021-11-28T05:27:03+00:00

So... I was an ex that 2 exes definitely thought they treated better. They were assholes anyway, I just forced them to do better than their bare minimum. I didn't "break" them, on the contrary I was extremely patient and understanding. TL;DR: it's absolute bullshit.

I've met approximately one dude who truly was broken by his ex. Guess what, he treats his next GF, now wife, extremely well. She's very much FDS and anytime she's pointed out a stupid action of his (usually because he was too nice and being taken advantage of by a pickmeisha), he's fixed it asap.

He also called exes that he had cheated on and apologized, without trying to get into their pants or get back with them, for the pain that he put them through.

That's a man who was truly broken, the rest are just making excuses for being LVM and NVM

myeggsarebig · 2021-11-28T13:41:46+00:00

Because they’re big babies

ccro7 · 2021-11-28T09:49:29+00:00

It's our evolutionary goal to secure a loyal mate to help raise our children.

Men's evolutionary goal is to impregnate as many women as possible.

Title	Why do men “not want a relationship” because of a breakup ages ago, but women are still willing to seek real connections and love despite the amount of horror we’ve gone through?
Author	kittycakes22
Upvotes	1218
Comments	89
Date	November 27, 2021 11:59 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	/r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-men-not-want-a-relationship-because-of-a.1086211 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086211
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r3qk4j/why_do_men_not_want_a_relationship_because_of_a/