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Why do men “not want a relationship” because of a breakup ages ago, but women are still willing to seek real connections and love despite the amount of horror we’ve gone through?

November 27, 2021

More women have been used and abused by men, but one ex-girlfriend “breaks his heart” years ago and he’s emotionally unavailable or decides to use women from then on. I’ve seen this in dating quite a few times, and then I end up feeling jealous over the ex who he did more for, and was emotionally available for. Why are men like this over a breakup whereas women, who have probably been through more when it comes to men, still want to seek and find real love?

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Post Information
Title Why do men “not want a relationship” because of a breakup ages ago, but women are still willing to seek real connections and love despite the amount of horror we’ve gone through?
Author kittycakes22
Upvotes 1218
Comments 89
Date November 27, 2021 11:59 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-men-not-want-a-relationship-because-of-a.1086211
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r3qk4j/why_do_men_not_want_a_relationship_because_of_a/

[–][deleted] 130 points131 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Because usually it was the "girl who got away" that dumped him, not the other way round, and the bruised ego hurts a lot. It has nothing to do with "love" for her. They just can't get over rejection.

[–]jetcakeFDS Newbie 257 points258 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

"[Insert leading comment about how great/pretty/nice/anything to compliment you to soften the incoming blow], but I'm not looking for anything serious."

Whenever I have encountered this comment, it's because the guy already has another two or so girls that he is screwing around with and you are the backup. If you say this? Oh my God, the floodgates have opened, and you are the biggest sl** they have ever met. PLEASE.

There was a relationship that I was in where my mom was scheduled to have major surgery. He, on the other hand, got an apartment with his buddy who was a known freeloaded, and that was when our relationship changed. My ex became LV when he decided that us now spending time with his friends all the time was the same as spending time together. My worries about my mom's surgery was falling on deaf ears and eventually we broke up.

Months later, he wanted to rekindle our relationship, and this wasn't the only time. He would bait me by taking me out and spending time together, then drop the bomb on me that "I'm not looking for anything serious". It crushed me, but I still held on because of how much I still loved him. The time I never should have spoken to him again was after he accidentally called me. I missed the phone call, but there was a voicemail, so I go to listen to the voicemail and nearly died.

It was 40 minutes (before Google Voice) of him, his cousin, and his idiot buddy that lived with him talking about all of these different girls. I will never forget not exactly hearing the name that sounded nothing like my own, but I heard my ex clear as a bell gloat, "I'll be fucking HER SOON ENOUGH!" That was after our phone call where we had plans that weekend. You can only guess what he told me that weekend: "I'm not looking for anything serious".

Cut these guys off at the knees.

[–]IAteTheDragonFDS Newbie 101 points102 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh my god, this must have been devastating to hear😔 The moment when you realize the guy you thought was human, turns out the purest trash can shake to the core.

Edit. Yeah, it's not really worth to bet on their best intentions. I'm not being cynical at all, just practical. This doesn't add up, doesn't give us any advantage 🤷🏼‍♀️

[–]Sage_PlanterFDS Disciple 50 points51 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Whenever I have encountered this comment, it's because the guy already has another two or so girls that he is screwing around with and you are the backup.

Either that or he's lukewarm about you. You're good enough to keep around for flirting and sex, but he's not keen enough on you to actually want to commit.

[–]ChocoBananzaFDS Apprentice 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hm, I don’t agree completely. If he didn’t have steady access to sex, he would’ve said all that she wanted to hear just to get in her pants. Being lukewarm is because he has other options, IMO.

[–]yeahhh22FDS Apprentice 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]modemarktFDS Newbie 37 points38 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

These types of guys always made (and still sometimes do) me feel like I wasn’t good enough and like ‘didn’t make the cut’. And then I would sit there for days/weeks/sometimes even months wondering why why why, why not me? What’s wrong with me?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating around and seeing what’s out there but a guy who’s stringing you along for a long time obviously has many issues/complexes. Men don’t really need to be sleeping around with multiple women, they for sure have the capability of choosing just one woman but the ones that don’t and always have these excuses of “I’m just playing the field” or “I’m not looking for anything serious” have issues, like I said. These are not the guys you want to be with long term.

[–]thepsychopathhunterFDS Newbie 37 points38 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am so sorry you had to listen to that atrocious voicemail. I almost wonder if it wasn’t an accident and whether he did it on purpose as triangulation (setting up love triangles to get you to compete). With these types of manipulators you never know because they will deliberately play with you when they know you want something more which shows a certain level of depravity and lack of empathy. And they rub other prospects (whether real or imagined) in your face as well. It wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out to be some pathetic manipulation tactic to keep you fixated on him. 🤢

[–]Geocities_SEO_ExpertFDS STRATEGY COACH 655 points656 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I think it's just a lie as an excuse, or a rationalization for bad behavior.

[–]SearchLightsIncFDS Apprentice 98 points99 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This - Don't over complicate the reasoning, its as simple as the above.

[–]pinkgirly111FDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

agreed. and blaming it on a woman. again. sigh.

[–]kansascitydreamFDS Newbie 644 points645 points  (27 children) | Copy Link

Hot take: he treated the ex like shit too. Now he has the perfect “excuse” to treat you, and every other woman even worse.

[–]oohLala77 190 points191 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I came here to say this! He's a liar and his "past" is simply an excuse. The type of men who blame one woman for the way they disrespect, manipulate, mistreat or abuse another woman are not the type of man to have ever loved or respected a woman.

[–]TristaviaFDS Newbie 249 points250 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Accurate. I had the opportunity to talk to the “ex that broke him”

He treated her worse than any of us.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s not a peach herself but he definitely wasn’t any better before her than he was after.

[–]thythy147 204 points205 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have another story to corroborate.

My ex’s original tale of heartbreak begins with him visiting his long-term, then long-distance girlfriend to have sex with her, then on the plane back sent her a breakup text. His intention was to date another girl closer to him who would not sleep with him unless he broke up with the other one. Understandably, the girl was blindsided and broken beyond repair.

Then months later, he regretted the decision, realized the ex was the love of his life, and dumped the new girlfriend. He tried to get back to the ex but she ignored all his messages and roses sent to her house. So he spent the next 3 years lamenting about his broken heart while using countless other girls, including me.

In fact he could use me because I let myself empathize with him. I thought he deserved better 🙅🏻‍♀️ Oh nooo, spot the pattern sis.

[–]HhjjuuyFDS Apprentice 74 points75 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

His broken heart??!?

[–]kansascitydreamFDS Newbie 38 points39 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

His broken shrimp dick 🦐

[–]LogisticalConundrum 136 points137 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

He treated her worse than any of us.

This. These guys are a unique breed of LVM because they're conscious enough of their LV behavior to know that it will have consequences if they take it into an intimate relationship but not motivated to do the self-work required to change it. So they opt for putting up emotional walls and keeping their distance so they can get sex and maid services from women instead.

[–]modemarktFDS Newbie 22 points23 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

they're conscious enough of their LV behavior to know that it will have consequences if they take it into an intimate relationship but not motivated to do the self-work required to change it.

Wow. I always read stories on here about the different types of awful, abusive men whether they are narcissists, players, two-timers, “the nice guy”, etc etc and I’m ngl I’ve never really related to those stories because I’ve never dated guys like that (luckily) but I’ve still had a very sh***y dating history and…. You literally just described like exactly the type of guy I always used to end up with. I somehow always ended up with a guy who was totally unavailable but like you said aware enough but TOO LAZY to even make an effort to like “play me” or “manipulate me” lolz. So I don’t even know what the eff they were doing with me. Just “going with the flow” and “seeing what happens” and like one day they were totally into me but then wouldn’t talk to me and ignore me for three weeks but I couldn’t be mad because they never ever committed to me. Obviously I was at fault for putting myself in these situations with these types of guys but I honestly think that I was doing it because… this is how modern dating is, this is most 30 something year old guys trying to date rn or they’re like what I described above and I guess I decided I’d rather be around a guy like this than someone who will literally torture me….

[–]WafflesTheDuckFDS Newbie 48 points49 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

It's called avoidant attachment disorder and there are dozens of us!

Now that I think about it, I'm never going to give those body pillow gf dudes any flack as long as they're not being toxic about it. Because it's better than what the guys described in this thread are doing.

The future is trending single for everyone anyways and the former fuckbous will have their chickens come home to roost. I've seen it happen a LOT lately. I know 5 men off the top of my head who have no options now.

There is a wall and men are the ones who will be without options if they don't settle.

[–]modemarktFDS Newbie 19 points20 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

The future is trending single for everyone anyways and the former fuckbous will have their chickens come home to roost. I've seen it happen a LOT lately. I know 5 men off the top of my head who have no options now.

Is it me or does it feel like most “f-boys” are millennials and the ones with the avoidant attachment style?

I feel like the generations before millennials for sure had their issues too. Like gen-x men, in my opinion, tend to be the most abusive - both emotionally and physically. Like they were the type of men that wanted to get into relationships just to abuse their partner.

But millennial men don’t even want a relationship. The thought of a relationship or marriage is the most terrifying thing for them. And so yeah a lot of them turned out to be super arrogant and avoidant.

And then surprisingly, I’ve found gen-z men way wayyy more tolerable and honest. They’re more upfront with their intentions and honestly, they want relationships. I don’t see the same cold and distant attitude and behavior that millennial men have toward relationships from gen-z guys.

But like, I’m 30… what am I supposed to be with a 23 year old?? Lol. Because I don’t see any men 30-37 even thinking about committing. Like you said they’re avoidant and most likely still delusionally thinking they can “play around” but no lol us women are no longer allowing that. And I know men like to think they can always go for younger girls who aren’t used to their ways but… gen-z girls and the younger generations to come are also very different than how us millennial women were and still are. I don’t see any early 20’s gen-z girl wanting to date (aka get played by) guys in their freaking 30s. Those girls have a very different perspective on dating.

So yeah this is going to lead to a lot of people remaining single.

[–]WafflesTheDuckFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit. As an xennial, you're spot on.

Kind of have chills rn. Ngl

[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Lol, they can't just go younger like they think they can:

1)Last week a guy in his late 30s/early 40s followed me on the street, stopped me and timidly asked for my number. I told him no, he got upset and ran away.

2)An old fart approached me at a coffee shop and invites me to join him in his car after I finish my coffee to "have some fun". Initially I was speechless at the audacity, but still rejected him. He also got visibly upset and quickly left the coffee shop.

3)This month on two separate instances two older guys have tried their "pickup" strategies on me while I was walking alone in the mall. I rejected them, they got upset.

Their expectations =/= reality.

[–]QueenAlice3FDS Newbie 710 points711 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Hahahahahaha… they were never more emotionally available. More likely they were emotionally performative and when she left him he used it as an excuse to stop performing.

Men really are looking for the lowest level of effort possible and any excuse to live at that level.

Guaranteed he would have ended up a useless waste no matter who he dated on a long enough timeline.

[–]2340000FDS Apprentice 160 points161 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah. Men use it as an excuse. If his ego was bruised, society let's him justify any/all subsequent abuse.

Unfortunately, the goal is to "conquer" women, not love them. Resistance to their tactics makes them indignant - it's merely a game of power.

The power dynamic is affected by how much energy he exerts. If he considers a woman a hypergamous match, he'll perform better. When he's not rewarded, he feels cheated (lol)😂. If he feels like xyz woman is an "easy" conquer, but she leaves faster than he expected, he'll still feel cheated.

All abusers operate this way.

[–]pompommom31FDS Newbie 56 points57 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I experienced this very thing with a long term ex. His ex-wife was prettier than me, wealthier and privately educated. He had a good job, was very handsome, well groomed, very nice (and I’m told she was just as nice). But she wouldn’t sleep with him on the regular so guess what? He left. And was jaded. Then he met me who was “less than” his ex. And he strung me along and did a lot of talking with little action but my pickme/dumbass self at the time felt lucky he “picked me”. Finally I wised up and left, deleted and blocked him. To this day it’s the “lesser than” girl (me) that did him the dirtiest. It took me awhile to realize it wasn’t because he loved me more (like he claimed), it was because how dare I leave HIM. 100% bruised ego. I’m just sorry I can’t worn the next girl.

[–]Davina33FDS Disciple 45 points46 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just excuses. On a serious note, I believe women are far more resilient generally. Society doesn't give us the benefit of the doubt like they do men. We are more likely to internalise our pain than men do as well.

[–]DiosaCordiliaFDS Newbie 212 points213 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

👈🏃‍♀️ Sadboiiii problems 🚩

[–]apommomFDS Newbie 248 points249 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Most likely they were damaged before that particular breakup but just localize all their feelings onto “the one who got away”

There is absolutely no reason to feel jealous, you should only be assessing if the guy in question is LV or not. If he is, then he has always been that way. Any guy that cannot process his emotions in a healthy way is LV/NV

[–]arnezuaraFDS Apprentice 141 points142 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This, exactly.

It is very unlikely for a man’s character to suddenly undergo a significant change. If he has bad habits, is emotionally unavailable and immature, his behavior will only get worse with time.

Boot any man who mentions his ex or speaks badly of them. Most men are not emotionally or even logically capable of proper retrospection.

[–]jetcakeFDS Newbie 67 points68 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

> Boot any man who mentions his ex or speaks badly of them.

It should be a HUGE red flag when he sidesteps a question from you about what happened which caused the breakup. A woman should at least have a general understanding of why the relationship ended. He is certainly complicit when he avoids the question.

[–]jetcakeFDS Newbie 62 points63 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

> "the one who got away"

is usually the "spare tire". It's an ego boost when he has her at his beck and call because he knows how much she cares about him, then he dumps her. It's fun for him, yet he feigns "I'm sorry!" or ghosts completely until he comes crawling back at another point in time.

And that is when she doesn't answer his call. His charms have worn off and now he is in dismay because now it's not just the "spare tire", it is all of these other women he has treated this way.

This is the way of the NV/LV male.

[–]MofoMadameFDS Newbie 27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is also the way of the narcissist, which is just another flavor of NV/LV. I'm convinced men have been raised, socialized, and trained to be narcissistic from birth.

[–]GabbaG0ulFDS Disciple 405 points406 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, it’s low EQ and fear of intimacy. I know men in their 30’s and 40’s who only do hook-ups because they had a breakup in their early 20’s. Definitely don’t be jealous, these men are LV. They aren’t going to magically flip the script, either. You don’t come back from using women as sex dolls for years and then having a successful longterm monogamous relationship. You’ve already trained you brain and body to separate sex and intimacy.

[–]WafflesTheDuckFDS Newbie 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

They must be attractive because the men that aren't in a relationship at that age in my circles can't find anyone to date at all.

[–]GabbaG0ulFDS Disciple 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They are both exceptionally attractive and successful. Most of the women they pull are their age or older. They also always have a target age that they want to magically be emotionally available by. Maybe I should make a post because the 30-40 playboy looks very different than what you would expect. And yes, most men in their 30-40s who are not exceptionally attractive, don’t really have options. At least in my city.

[–]katiekat0214FDS Newbie 35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Super quick, easy vetting strategy: "So, what work are you doing to get over that?" And use wait time. Take a longggg sip of your drink, look at him, and wait for an answer. Works wonders.

[–]punyhumannumber2FDS Newbie 105 points106 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Because we see people as individuals. Men see women as just one hive mind.

[–]ItsFreezenFDS Newbie 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This. Dumb male logic. "If porn stars have sex with lots of men that means Every women does that too"

[–]souredskittlesFDS Disciple 102 points103 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Meh I don’t think it’s true when they say that. It’s just another arbitrary excuse to not commit to you.

Also a big part of them having “the one that got away” is them being guilty for not being a good partner. No they didn’t treat them better, if that was true they would still be together.

[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple 166 points167 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We’re socialized to think we need to, and not socialized to drive a hard bargain.

They are socialized to try to get a good bargain with the benefits of a relationship, but not the responsibilities. “The hurt from ages ago” is just a mechanism for the goal.

[–]GlitteryMossFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I end up feeling jealous over the ex who he did more for,

That he said he did more for, but who knows if it is true.

I am going out on a limb and saying because societies condition women that they should be coupled up. So we end up chasing that dream as if it was a right. From faerie tales when you are little, to toys that seem to be geared to making girls housewives (nothing wrong with that, but ffs, there are legos, meccanos, laboratory kits etc, and girls should get all those too!)

[–]Platipus6FDS Apprentice 145 points146 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

They idealize the first woman to touch their dick at a time when they're flooded with stupid hormones. They become literally addicted to her via sex.

Nothing and no-one can get them that high again so they blame the women who can't give them that, as if we're the problem.

[–]lansburysodaFDS Newbie 121 points122 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because they believe it absolves them of any responsibility for their actions in the present moment.

[–]bananna_nutFDS Newbie 121 points122 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think it is partly because women are pressured into relationships in order to not become a "crazy cat lady/spinster". There's definitely a stigma that women face for being single for a long time versus men being a life-long bachelor for example.

[–]fresiparFDS Newbie 68 points69 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

well, we are here to change that! we are the first generation to know that single women are actually happier. thank god for economic independence.

[–]MofoMadameFDS Newbie 32 points33 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Spinsters were the ballers of their day. Had their own money, career, no use for a husband. So, of course that title became a slur. Let's continue not to care what they think and do our thang.

[–]AocwannabeFDS Newbie 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There actually is a stigma towards men who are never married/no kids after 40. After 35, women talk about men like this quite viciously but women don’t control the media so you don’t hear it vocally.

I even know many women who prefer to date a divorcee or divorced dad over men who have never shown that they’ve even tried to be in a formally committed relationship.

And the reasons men and women are single after 35 are very different. Many women in this group don’t like their options so choose to be single. Men at this age are largely leftovers…

[–]honestlyidkfrFDS Newbie 23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Translation: “I initially faked emotional intimacy with my last girlfriend who eventually demanded that I show her the minimum of respect and when I didn’t she broke up with me (and I lost my endless supply of free sex) so instead of trying to appear to be a decent human being I throw my shit at women and see who sticks because I don’t respect women and instead view them as objects and a means to an end, that end being sex.”

[–]scorchedsouIFDS Newbie 64 points65 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because they think they'll get the gentle treatment abused kittens with trust issues get. These tall hairy fucks think they'll get pity and sympathy for driving some poor woman crazy five years ago and calling it a "bad breakup".

They also use it as an excuse to mistreat women, because deep down they know their actions are horrible, and they know they'll be judged harshly for it if they don't make themselves look like pitiful products of their environment.

[–]herbivorouscarnivoreFDS Newbie 130 points131 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

How do you know he did more for the ex?

Also, men who use this excuse were LV to begin with. Can you imagine the uproar if women did the equivalent? In my case, letting a man subsidize my lifestyle but giving nothing in return - emotional or otherwise - because being widowed was traumatic and I can never put myself out there again? (Being widowed was traumatic, but that’s what therapy/bereavement groups are for. And leveling up for my own well being. Only a LV loser wouldn’t even try to pick themselves up, and scapegoat the past.)

[–]kittycakes22FDS Newbie[S] 31 points32 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Usually social media shows me some things, but yeah that’s likely the case. So many LVs like this lately.

[–]herbivorouscarnivoreFDS Newbie 62 points63 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

People tend to make things pretty for social media, though. Based on the packed lunch posts one of my friends makes, you’d think she has the best househusband who loves her and makes kawaii bentos for her. You don’t see the way she told him if he’s not going to look for a job that’s “beneath him” the least he can do is cook and clean, including packing her lunch.

[–]ShieldMaidenLagerthaFDS Disciple 302 points303 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Women are more resilient and emotionally intelligent, period.

[–]herbivorouscarnivoreFDS Newbie 182 points183 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think it’s a learned skill, because society doesn’t believe in “girls will be girls” and give us a bunch of passes for sh*tty behavior.

[–]ShieldMaidenLagerthaFDS Disciple 83 points84 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh for sure, I agree, it’s socialized.

[–]yeahhh22FDS Apprentice 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men's emotional intelligence is devoted entirely to subterfuge

[–]OrangeyPandaFDS Apprentice 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women internalize their trauma and work on actually healing themselves and using their emotional intelligence to become a better person. It's why even though women have double the rates of depression as men they are able to still show up in life and take care of those around them whereas men blame everyone around them and refuse to change.

[–]JulyParadeFDS Newbie 138 points139 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He was a terrible boyfriend to her too - that's why she dumped him. An HVM would have used that break up as the motivation to seek therapy and work on himself. The ones stuck on the ex never "did more" for her and were never emotionally available to her. Why do you think she dumped them? Because she was probably HVW seeking HVM!

[–]queenofswordsxxxFDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because they are weak and way too concerned with power - “if he loves a woman, she will then have the power to hurt him, to deprive him, to engulf him, to abandon him” - the Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward

[–]CarneliancatFDS Newbie 121 points122 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Because men are weak. Women are not.

[–]1Here4BachFDS STRATEGY COACH 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The majority of men don’t know how to heal so they use it as an excuse to project their pain outwards and hurt other people.

[–]_xyoungbellax_FDS Apprentice 69 points70 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women are emotionally strong and don't obsessively look for excuses, unlike men. Also, even when he says shit like "My ex did so and so, I lost a gem, blah blah blah", don't ever believe him. He wants to test your boundaries and emotionally manipulate you into coddling him. If things were really that great with his ex, like he overly proclaims, then they wouldn't have broken up.

[–]fab_pofuFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it’s because men are considered respectable even when single as long as they are able to get laid, whereas people consider a single woman a failure. So women have a lot more social pressure to get into a relationship despite their trauma.

Also, like everyone else is saying, the men could just be lying and want an excuse to hook up.

[–]AfricanaissuesThrowaway Account 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The want all the benefits a relationship offers them without the responsibility of being loyal, available and loving on their part.

[–]The_Nobody_DiariesFDS Newbie 35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He doesn't not want a relationship. He just does not want a relationship with you. If they like a woman, men will move heaven and earth to be with her.

The whole broken beyond repair spiel is just an excuse for pity sex without strings.

[–]tortllaaFDS Newbie 29 points30 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My ex would tell me he was such a good guy/bf and cute examples of things he did for his ex girlfriend who 1. Wouldn’t have sex with him and 2. Broke up with him.

He never did anything nice for me— never even paid when we went out OR asked me to go out anywhere. And I would think “what am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he bring me flowers or coffee like he did for her?”

At the end of the day, I think it was bc he just didn’t care about me. If he wanted to, he would.

Same goes for any man. If he says he “isn’t ready” or gives some other lame excuse it’s bc he doesn’t want to date you and nothing you do is going to change his mind (except maybe cutting him off and forgetting about him😂)

[–]MofoMadameFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He thought he should get credit from you for just telling you about the nice stuff he did for her.

He didnt care about her either. A HV person would never use or string another person along. They'd be too busy and too respectful of theirs and others time.

[–]tortllaaFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

True. A HVM wouldn’t have to tell you he’s HV. You’d know based on his actions alone

[–]extragoudaFDS Newbie 43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my experience, those men have always hated women and will use the ex as a reason to continue hating them. From time to time, they want a warm body to cuddle but often do not have the maturity or emotional bandwidth to care for a dog or cat. So they look for women who are willing to put out for them, but they prioritize their selfishness by saying that they are too "hurt" by past events to make the relationship an equal give or take situation.

The reason the ex is an ex is because he probably did not have the emotional ability to make a relationship work with her.

Of course, there are men who have exes who are also interested in starting again in committed relationships. There are also women who are sick of their hobo-sexual baby-man exes and don't want any more long term relationships ever. Everyone is different. If you are dealing with men who have left long-term relationships (marriages, engagements), those often take a long time to heal from.

[–]KimpracticalFDS Disciple 56 points57 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s just an excuse. It’s annoying when they do it cause they will claim they got cheated on once or something and now have commitment issues… okay coward, I’ve had a lot worse things happen to me than cheating and don’t use it as an excuse to act like a shithead

[–]jetcakeFDS Newbie 38 points39 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He was the cheater.

[–]stinkylittlecatFDS Newbie 50 points51 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Last guy I dated got dumped by the last three women he was in relationships with. He used the "trauma" from that as an excuse to dump me, saying that if he put effort into a relationship it would go to waste just because his last three went to waste. Couldn't even do it directly to my face until I asked him why he was ignoring me so much.

Men stinky

[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've seen men in their 30s justifying not wanting a relationship or being cheating jerks due to a break up/heartbreak when they were in high-school. Sure men don't usually go to therapy or try to be better when they go through traumatic events but I believe that in most cases the "ex, the one who went away that they're still pinning decades after" is actually just an excuse to be a scrote and use women for sex and emotional labor and not actually that they're still traumatized by the break up. Sure they might from time to time stalk this mythical ex or idealize her but in most cases I think they'd be emotional unavailable and just using women anyways with or without the existence of this ex girlfriend and past heartbreak.

[–]MofoMadameFDS Newbie 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He was never good to that ex either. Thats why she dumped him. He now knows a relationship requires effort, so he's way less into that, especially if you throw some hurt feelings on top. Plus, he and his buds have found that if they tell a woman this line of bullshit she will often still give him the full girlfriend, maybe even wife treatment,without any extra effort on his part.

They do it cause they are children n women let them get away with it. You cant love him enough to level up in tbat relationship, so you gotta level up in your relationship with your self. Love yourself more and give yourself that special treatment.

I'd also like to add that women should see such male declarations as what they truely are, his admitting that he is too damaged for a relationship. This is where you say, "no thanks, next", then find someone less damaged or at least a little more resilient. It is never a challenge to accept, why do that to yourself. It's insanity! If someone tells you they are too emotionally fucked up to be in a relationship, believe them. Cause he aint lying, even if he is saying it as manipulation. He doesnt want to be your boyfriend or care abput you, but he'll still fuck you and use all the services your feelings will provide him. That's a lame-assed deal that should be totally denied. If women stop putting up with that bullshut, I bet many of these scrotes would find themselves miraculously healed and ready to find "The One".

[–]Competitive_Bar8657FDS Newbie 30 points31 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because their guys are shitty abusive LVM's. The breakups happened because those women were probably mistreated and wanted an out. He didn't get that because he's selfish and came up with his own story so he can keep shitting on women.

[–]backforbeskarFDS Newbie 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it’s just a convenient lie they tell women they want to sleep with but don’t want to be in a relationship with. Men who want to actually date and marry have zero qualms about their past trauma and actually move super quickly to lock it down. So if a guy is telling you this - translation: I am going to dick around until the right one comes along.

[–]ItsFreezenFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Scrotes get off manipulating women into thinking they want a relationship.

[–]AffectionateBunniesFDS Newbie 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

men are literally full of shit when they say this. it’s just to get you to do gf things without being his gf. it’s gross. watched it happen to three of my friends and did they listen to me? of course not because that would mean they have to reflect inwardly about why they keep letting these men use them like this. seriously being a young married women with dumb ass single friends makes me glad my SO agrees with me on these things. they never make me feel shitty, and i’m baffled that anyone would LET someone treat them like this.

[–]MuffcakelordFDS Disciple 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Cause it's a lie. Men are just slutty

[–]Colour_riotFDS Newbie 20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So... I was an ex that 2 exes definitely thought they treated better. They were assholes anyway, I just forced them to do better than their bare minimum. I didn't "break" them, on the contrary I was extremely patient and understanding. TL;DR: it's absolute bullshit.

I've met approximately one dude who truly was broken by his ex. Guess what, he treats his next GF, now wife, extremely well. She's very much FDS and anytime she's pointed out a stupid action of his (usually because he was too nice and being taken advantage of by a pickmeisha), he's fixed it asap.

He also called exes that he had cheated on and apologized, without trying to get into their pants or get back with them, for the pain that he put them through.

That's a man who was truly broken, the rest are just making excuses for being LVM and NVM

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because they’re big babies

[–]ccro7FDS Newbie 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's our evolutionary goal to secure a loyal mate to help raise our children.

Men's evolutionary goal is to impregnate as many women as possible.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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