Is it really over or could we get back together

KZandMe · 2021-11-21T13:40:59+00:00

Man, I'm sorry, but the only honest response here is that it's over. Don't be that guy that begs and pleads. Nothing about the relationship you describe sounds healthy for you or your daughter. Here's the thing, I'm willing to bet she'll come crawling back after her fuck buddy is done using her/he sees her crazy. DO NOT BE HER FALLBACK PLAN! I know you won't take this to heart until you realize it yourself, but this isn't love, this is you being needy. Inside of you somewhere is a MAN who would never settle for a woman like this. Find that man and make him your best friend.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-11-21T14:20:11+00:00

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Once you start negotiating, you lose your position in so many different ways because you are willing to compromise. You’re willing to say, “Okay, I know that you don’t really desire me so I’m willing to do more dishes, I’m willing to do more stuff around the house, I’m willing to negotiate with you. What’s it going to take for you to actually want to fuck me?” When you negotiate desire, you are only negotiating obligated compliance. Negotiated desire only ever leads to resentment, from both parties, down the road.

> she changed like there was no emotion with her she became cold.

Men are the true romantics, intrinsically putting women first even in the face of imminent death. Women love opportunistically. Women don't love you for who you are, they love you for the purpose you serve: protection, provisioning and parental investment. Your worth in her eyes increases or decreases with what you’ve done for her lately. Women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love.

> She had drunken sex with someone

You don't understand female behavior, because you've been lied to your entire life. Men and women's sexual strategies are different. In fact, women have a dual-mating strategy referred to as hypergamy. Read "The Rational Male" to fully understand it.

> She is the only woman I want to be with

You have Oneitis. Jettison your scarcity mindset around women for an abundance mindset.

> I was on the verge of offing myself

Every dude going through divorce thinks about it. Most won't admit to it. There's a Stoicism concept called "Amor Fati" that was a huge help to me get past those unproductive thoughts during my divorce:

It’s up to you which handle you will grab: Resentment, bitterness, anger, unfairness or forgiveness, strength, fortitude, looking for the good, of looking for what you might do with what has happened. It’s the faculty of choice to grasp the problem or the opportunity. There’s always some good hiding in or around the bad. You have to look for it and grab hold of it. This is how we thrive in life. It’s not easy to accept pain and suffering in life. None of that feels great. You must have a love of challenges and embracing adversity. It’s training for what the world is throwing at us every day, not resignation or pessimism. It is bold optimism fused with determination. Turn what you have to do into what you get to do. Turn what life throws at you into fuel for the fire that is making you great. You're defined by your resilience.

"Be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands, unmoved and the raging of the sea still around it." –Marcus Aurelius

whatshouldwee · 2021-11-21T16:24:44+00:00

It's a wrap.

Eve-3 · 2021-11-21T17:39:08+00:00

So long as you are ok with her having sex with other people in the future as well, and anything else she feels like, then sure it can still work. Not sure why you would want it to though.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-11-21T19:00:57+00:00

You don't see it, but you'll get better. Man we know it's hard, but stand up, hold your head high, make a big deal of her sleeping with someone else and be cold, be peaceful around her, focus all your energy on you and then your daughter. The rest, leave it to time.

Erect boundaries, and keep them up at all cost. Once you become that thing she can't have, you may have the option of going back in, or feel so good that you don't need that in your life anymore.

DeepSpace85 · 2021-11-22T01:39:19+00:00

Please, please, please, do not lose sight of what’s most important, your child and your life. Everything you are feeling is normal because you’re hurting and you care.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I am going through a difficult divorce as well. In short, she cheated, got pregnant, lied about it all, left me, came back, and then left again. I tried as best as I could, but she kept lying, and was doing as much destruction and devastation to our life to drive me away and hurt me. There was a point at which she just turned everything off like a light switch. It had me questioning everything-

How could I be married to someone, and she is so cold after almost 6 years of marriage and 8 years together; why is she being so impulsive and destructive; what did I do to deserve this; how did I go from the most important person in her life to her biggest enemy? Those were just a few things.

You may never get all the answers to whatever questions or feelings that you have, but I can promise you one thing- you don’t deserve how you’re being treated right now, even if you have a temper or something else going on.

Remember it takes two people to be in a relationship, and sometimes the other side of things isn’t able to accept responsibility or understand why they do what they do. That’s not on you, as hard as that is to let yourself see. It sounds like she is doing impulsive things which are destructive to push you away and end things. Very similar to what my wife has done to me.

I felt like I hit rock bottom bc I lost my job, and she told me that same day she wanted a divorce… I couldn’t understand how someone so sweet could be so dense. She left me that night for the weekend, and I felt like a complete failure in my marriage and my work life. All I wanted was her to stay with me, to just be a friend to me, and to be present. Her response “I can’t stay w you. I have plans, I want to live my life.”

So you know what I did? I cried. I stayed home with my dogs, and I felt like the biggest loser ever, and I just cried more. Then something hit me… I had to keep moving forward somehow, anyhow. I went and found a new job, and decided I needed to do something for myself, so I decided to goto therapy. I found a good therapist, and with his counseling, I was able to see this wasn’t my fault. This wasn’t all me. You know why? Because this person in my life who I didn’t know anymore was exhibiting what could be traits of or has borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I hadn’t realized it.

The moment I took an objective look at things, I saw that (1) I made mistakes, but (2) no matter what I did differently every path would have ended in the same result.

So instead of begging for her to come back, I found help for myself, and when I get sad, I cry; when I get mad , I do something to physically exert myself and get my frustration out…

I know it’s hard, but remember the only person you can change and impact is yourself. So take this as an opportunity to fix your shortcomings, and to make yourself stronger because one day your wife or soon to be ex wife may come back, and you have to make a conscious decision on what you will do. Will you accept her back into your life, or will you wish her the best, and continue on the path you’re on without her?

Also, if you can get counseling, a good therapist can help you learn why you attract, and why you look for someone like this, so that in the future when you’re ready, you don’t find yourself in a similar situation being hurt by another person because for everyone of us there is a reason why do what we do, and create the relationships we have.

Don’t give up on yourself, and don’t give up on your daughter. Help her grow up into a beautiful woman, and show her that you can be hurt, but become a stronger, better human being. Otherwise, this could truly have an impact on her future as well because we are all a product of our environments, so do everything you can to continue to love and nurture that little one.

Stay strong buddy, and know you are not alone in this, even though sometimes it may feel like it.

Busy-Recording-1911 · 2021-11-22T05:29:00+00:00

Work on yourself. Get some help. Don’t beg, don’t plead. All you can do is be a good man. Be confident, realize your self worth and love yourself.

The woman you knew as your wife is no longer there. I’m sorry to break that to you. There are a lot of help courses out there.

My experience, I’m divorced. During separation I worked on myself. Started dating. Had fun. Learned to love myself again, became a new man again. Did me, got my life together.

I found a wonderful woman. Her and I have so much in common. We share so many interests. It’s a night and day experience between her and my ex. I feel better off today than when I was married.

rb5775 · 2021-11-22T10:16:19+00:00

It's over. You can't unfeel all the bad feelings. Take it from me. It's done.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-11-23T03:07:21+00:00

The sooner you realize and accept it's over, you will start the long healing process.

ramboton · 2021-11-26T02:08:01+00:00

Look at this as an opportunity to find someone new who actually cares about you and your feelings.

Rweb88 · 2022-03-02T00:58:47+00:00

Trust me you will look back on this moment one day and wish you focussed on yourself first.

Nobody can say whether you will get back together but if happiness is the objective, the only person responsible for that is you.

Funny-Caregiver-8127 · 2021-11-21T14:27:28+00:00

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I promise you are better off with out her. You are clearly enmeshed with a very toxic person. I would recommend checking in with a therapist and doing a lot of soul searching. I think you may have lost yourself somewhere along the way.

Interesting-Toe-9633 · 2021-11-21T14:55:42+00:00

do you have adhd or does she

Title	Is it really over or could we get back together
Author	Funny-Caregiver-8127
Upvotes	4
Comments	28
Date	November 21, 2021 11:51 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qytf26/is_it_really_over_or_could_we_get_back_together/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-it-really-over-or-could-we-get-back-together.1082839 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082839

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