So here i am, loosing the strength to move on.

thefudmaster · 2021-12-07T15:29:57+00:00

Veteran here who lives daily with reminders of a terrible deployment in the military. I've sought and received counseling and I am on numerous medications which have turned me back into a functioning and contributing member of society. I went through a very nasty divorce shortly after getting out of the service, but there were children involved. Trust me, it gets better.

The early days of separation were absolute hell. I didn't know if I would see my kids again, and I didn't know what the future held. My advice to you is this:

Stop drinking alcohol immediately and do not do any type of drugs (even marijuana) to numb the pain.
Seek counseling through the VA immediately if you have a PTSD diagnosis and find someone to talk to. I'm only a PM away on here, but don't see notifications while I'm at work.
Don't date for at least a year after your divorce is final. I didn't do this and I regret it now.
Start working out and lifting weights. At least start walking in the sunlight, and take your dog with you.
Finally, for now, we all die alone bro. I bought a dog a few years ago and he is far more loyal than any woman I have ever been with. I also don't have to deal with incessant nagging that went on daily during my decade + of marriage. There is a saying I saw on a coffee mug once and it said "Marriage: Because your Shitty Day Doesn't Have to End At Work". I don't know a single married couple who is truly happy and wouldn't prefer to be alone.

Curtis_Low · 2021-12-07T14:20:28+00:00

Whats up Shipmate (not meaning it is the shitty derogatory way) I am in the same boat as you.. (alright that shitty pun was intended).

My old Navy buddies and have been my rock in the last year when my wife let me know where she was on Jan 27th of this year. Over the last 11 months the boys have listened to me bitch, listened to me negotiate with myself, listened to me grow, and showed support for me. They have all known my wife, they know my children, but in the end they time and time again have shown their love for me.

I am sorry you are in a bad place and dealing with this, to put it simply, it sucks. I try to (but fail sometimes) to keep things in perspective. Does this situation suck, it absolutely does, is it the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, perhaps but I have a foundation of shitty times to build upon to get back to success and happy. Some days are simply harder than others. Minutes can seem like hours, hours like days, and days like eternity.

Talk.... talk with the boys. About the situation, about fishing, about some sport you don't really give a shit about and go down long rabbit holes but just keep talking. Write, sometimes I just write notes on my phone for where ever I am at emotionally, I write the venom I feel running through my veins down, let it flow and express my anger, pain, hurt. It doesn't make the world sunshine and rainbows, but it moves the needle in the right direction most times.

I am just north of AL in TN, you are welcome to DM me and I will give you my cell number. We can talk about nothing or everything, share shitty sea stories or awesome days in our former lives. If nothing else while this happens you just might get a 10 / 20 / 45 min break from your mind being on repeat of the shit in front of you.

I hope you are doing well today man, because hard times existed yesterday, and often times right now the skies look cloudy for tomorrow. You can't control that, but we can all still embrace the suck knowing at some point the storm will end, the skies will clear, the waters will calm.

cloudburr · 2021-12-07T16:34:02+00:00

We all die alone.

Give yourself time, and you will discover a source of strength that is unbelievable. Being in a relationship because you are lonely is one of the worst reasons, so instead focus on healing and recovering, and when the time is right you will find someone worthy of you, someone who will eclipse the past.

Believe me brother, you have no idea how beautiful things are once you make it through the darkness.

sicrm · 2021-12-07T13:48:07+00:00

if you can, pick a place you either haven’t been to in a while or always wanted to visit and go for a few days to clear your head. if you can’t do that then take a walk or drive for a few hours.

also write out how you ideally want the rest of your life to go. then work on a plan to make it happen.

build and keep an active support system as well. you need people who can help you keep your head on straight.

cdjohnny · 2021-12-07T15:29:25+00:00

Hang in there, it gets better. One thing I focused on was the peace I had after the divorce vs. the constant chaos. Find simple things you enjoy. Sounds weird, but getting up on a Saturday, going to Panera and getting one of those sugar filled cinnamon bagels and reading the news was a great thing for me. Stay busy, find hobbies, interests, etc...

pegleg_legal · 2021-12-07T09:19:08+00:00

Much love Bro. DM if you need to reach out. I'm in Asia.

buffalotipping · 2021-12-07T09:24:08+00:00

It only gets better. I was in your shoes not long ago. I'm a few months out now but rounding the bend am am feeling better than I have in years. No real good ways to make it feel better but time, I personally embraced the heartache to the point I knew in the long run I'd feel better being alone. Take her easy guy.

D4ddyW4rbux · 2021-12-07T13:57:40+00:00

thank you for your service. much love headed your way

D4ddyW4rbux · 2021-12-07T13:58:19+00:00

oh and +1 on the mdma psilocybin guided therapy

WartimeDad · 2021-12-07T14:09:32+00:00

Exercise and meditation will get you through. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

whatshouldwee · 2021-12-07T15:44:53+00:00

Work. Read. Learn. I got the same shit. The only thing that helps is to keep busy, but at the same time I want to take it in too, not avoid how it feels.

Work, focus like a mofo when working.
Read. I'm reading everything from Carl Jung to Dostoyevsky to Jordan Peterson. Trying to learn and expand my mind and hopefully better myself and come out of this stronger than ever. Rebuilt. Better, stronger, faster.
Gym. Crushing the deadlifts.
Healthy diet.
Healthy sleep.
Rinse. Repeat.

ramboton · 2021-12-07T17:09:02+00:00

I can only speak of the divorce part, not the PTSD, but honestly I have had a divorce, and had a woman who lived with me for 5 years leave (never married) Each time I met someone better than the last. I am almost 60 years old and considering divorce #2. Worried about what my options would be at 60 years old, I logged onto an online dating site and was amazed at how may responses I received, I would not consider myself to be great looking, 5-8, 235, balding a little over weight. But while I did not contact any of them because I am not divorced yet, it did give me strength to move forward to know that there were many women out there who thought I was interesting enough to message me, and to know that if I do follow through with the divorce that there are many options out there. Like you I was a little worried of dying alone as my father did after his 2nd divorce. Good luck.

Pheliont · 2021-12-07T18:43:14+00:00

Do what everyone else has suggested but also:

Healing isn't linear, especially when PTSD is involved. -Take it second by second, minute by minute, and day by day. It's a marathon. It will take time. Don't think of it as a measuring contest against how someone else, even on this sub, is doing. It's not. It's about you healing from what you went through. Take that from someone who went through severe abuse from my ex wife. -For the love of heaven cut all contact. If you have nothing tying you down, aka children, block her. Anything else, deal with it through an attorney. It's been hands down the best decision I've ever made. -Do things for you; go out and go learn what makes you happy. I've taken up painting lessons, barring the Plague, and its really nice. -All things in moderation. Not just drinking, but don't over do it on things like exercise, etc.

You will be okay, it make not seem like it, but you will.

Classic_Dill · 2021-12-07T19:50:03+00:00

Sounds like your ex was a toxic person? like mine was. You got off lucky, you don't need to spend 1 more day with a person who doesn't care about you, and there are plenty of women out there feeling the same. You! will find someone again and with the lessons you have now learned, have a wayyy better chance at a healthy relationship bud,stay the course, hold on and let life deliver you your next chapter, you've got this!

gg2ezpzlemonsqz · 2021-12-07T20:06:59+00:00

Thank you gentlemen. I just woke up to all this. Its nice to have coffee and read the kind words and great advice

azwildcat74 · 2021-12-07T20:57:03+00:00

You need to find a way to get OK with being alone. Comfort comes at the cost of personal growth, if you're growing you're not comfortable.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-12-08T03:42:54+00:00

I was falsely accused criminally of rape during our custody dispute and not allowed to see my kids. I survived after 26 months of hell and $200k in legal fees via:

Daily prayer including forgiving the vile ex.
Daily running of 5km/day.
Daily meditation

Sitting on ur ass moping won't get you anywhere. Do the above and keep urself as busy as possible..

ChainsawJones1984 · 2021-12-08T21:49:17+00:00

The early after times are always the hardest. Let that sink in real good, and never ever give yourself to a woman that fully ever again.

When you invest too much of yourself, and you lose her, it feels like you nearly lost a body part like an arm or leg. It is horribly painful. And taken that relationships these days are way too disposable anymore. Getting in too deep with a woman can mess you up, and some put themselves through hell, even self terminating because of the dispair and crushing lonely feeling.

Best thing to do is just get to moving. Walking around. That's cheap and helps you get over it. You can feel like you are doing something and walk through next steps and self talk about your outlook. Once you make little plans, make them work and just build off those. When I was coming odd my divorce I managed to walk 36 miles at the height of my dispair. I lost a lot of weight and got to looking really good on just super long walks. It helped with the confidence when others began to notice me.

Right now, your just wrecked up real bad inside. Changing your life is smart. Talking this crap out is good. After some time, and it could be years, you will wake up one day and realize you are so over this, and there is not one damn woman worth beating yourself up over, and certainly not terminating yourself over. And to add insult, if you do terminate and she finds out about it, she will brag to her friends that she was so good, that you ended it just because of her, and they will laugh. I have actually heard that before. Women don't get choked up the same way guys do. They always have options to swing to when they see better. And they will try to swing back if it doesn't work out. That's just the misery of the whole deal.

Move on, and let her see you bounce back. They hate that, especially if they see you doing better later on. She needs for you to be the loser she had to leave. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2021-12-14T10:17:19+00:00

Thank you for your service, friend. Having spent my first Christmas and birthdat alone too last year, I know how you must feel. I too pondered those thoughts of being alone, dying alone for a bit. However, I started to realize just how much freedom I had getting out of a bad marriage. You have a fresh start, and you can make it what you want. I started to meet new people and create new interests and hobbies. Focus on what you do have and go from there. Best of luck to your new start.

Title	So here i am, loosing the strength to move on.
Author	gg2ezpzlemonsqz
Upvotes	17
Comments	25
Date	December 7, 2021 8:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/rauiqi/so_here_i_am_loosing_the_strength_to_move_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/so-here-i-am-loosing-the-strength-to-move-on.1088198 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088198

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