Cold feet on filing..

Future-Platform8225 · 2022-01-14T02:01:47+00:00

Financially I can't say for sure but it's not going to be fun. I'm in the 4th quarter of my divorce (I hope) so I can say how it feels to eliminate the burden of living with a spouse with mental illness.

Best decision I e ever made. I filed for the kids and what I saw them going through, but holy shit I didn't understand what this sort of freedom has done for me. I felt like like a giant weight was lifted from me. I hate to advocate for divorce and want to implore you to exhaust all options first normally but if her cheese has slid off her cracker fully.... Pull the rip cord. I withstood a decade of marriage and the last 4 years or so nearly killed me... Seriously.

It's hard to be the only adult in a marriage let alone taking care of a hormonal emotional 12 year old in a wife's body, if that's you, your future self is telling you to hurry the eff up.

Eve-3 · 2022-01-14T01:50:41+00:00

I keep coming up with excuses.. birthdays for ourselves, the holidays, our children's birthdays now, her mom's best friend passed away this week...

As soon as you file you no longer have to suffer through these things with her. More importantly you get to give your kids these moments without them being destroyed by insanity.

I don't know what you'd pay in alimony but it sounds like she blows through that much on unnecessary shopping whims anyway so you may be better off financially without her and handing her a fixed amount every month. (Assuming you are in an alimony state)

Least_Winter9632 · 2022-01-14T03:34:58+00:00

Fucking get out. Run!!!

patently_pleasant · 2022-01-14T03:08:40+00:00

She sounds very mentally ill. I’m not a psychiatrist, but the extreme downs of uncontrollable and unintelligible anger mixed in with the extreme highs of consciousness and remorse make me feel like she might be bipolar. Again, I’m not qualified to perform a diagnosis and even if I was I would not do one off of a Reddit post, but just a thought. She doesn’t sound well.

My advice is to move on. I had cold feet like you and ultimately she walked out. I wish I did it myself sooner and saved time, misery, and traumatic events. Remember, your children are better off in two loving homes than one that teaches them dysfunction

pegleg_legal · 2022-01-14T05:00:00+00:00

You're in for some drama. You'll trigger her abandonment issues. So it will cycle through anger, spite, hate, using the children, begging to come back, promising to change. At least she has demonstrated some self-awareness - that's a good sign.

In terms of timing, distance yourself to the extent practicable from major life events. With the death of her friend, if she loves to play victim - then that would actually be okay.

Does she have any friends? Hope she has one, at least.

Gattsama · 2022-01-14T02:15:31+00:00

I'll skip my story but in a similar boat.. I know what I need to do but I keep coming up with excuses to push it back. We are actually separated, and I told her I wanted to terminate 3 weeks into the separation, but she said she went to try to work it out. And I agreed to that but it was serious to the silly of me to do that. She was better for a little bit, was love bombing me, an acting nicer. But after one "slip up for me" right back to everything is 100% my fault, she needs this, she has no hopes or dreams for the future, she's in a toxic abusive relationship for which nothing good occurs.

I've looking deep and I think I hold off because I don't want to be a quiter. I feel like if only I keep at it or work harder then maybe things could work. I don't quit anything I'm life, you push through and get it done.

Also I feel like I don't want to abandon her. I do love her and want her to be safe / protected. And yeah. I have some nervousness about the possible drama.

But in tbe end, the I'm just hurting both of us. If it's over it's over. She's going to suffer, she's going to act up, she's going to cry and Aya what a horrible person you are, and everything is your fault, etc etc.

It doesn't matter thou, cause the love might still be there but the relationship is dead 💔 We have no kids, but given that you do, please also file asap to protect them. They see what's going on and are learning how to be based on the energy in the house.

You and you kids deserve better. Do what you have to to protect yourself and your kids.

Throwaway4120213 · 2022-01-14T14:26:22+00:00

You only have one life and sounds like you are a prisoner in your own life stuck in a cycle of emotional abuse and social alienation. This cannot change unless you expel the toxic person from your life or at least from the center of your life. Move ahead with a divorce.

The fact that your kids birthday consists for 20mins with the grandparents because your wife says so, the fact that you have been alienated from your friends and family, the fact that you get screamed at for no reason, the fact that you are berated for not doing much is sad. To think you will spend the rest of your life on eggshells is even sadder. To think your parents will die never having the joys of being carefree grandparents to your kids or your kids will never experience that because your wife is a monster is infuriating. You owe it to yourself and your kids to get out of that situation.

tobleroneyactual · 2022-01-14T01:52:20+00:00

It's a tough choice and always filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Therapy sometimes takes several months, and it may take a few different therapists to find one that works well.

She (and probably you as well) should get evaluated for anxiety and depression, and look into anti-depressants. Those will also take several weeks or months to have an effect, as with finding the right medication and dosage.

Couples therapy is an option that might help.

Eventually though, you gotta take care of the children and yourself. Remember, you are not responsible for her mental health. You cannot fix her. She needs to seek her own path of repair.

You absolutely don't want the children to have to grow up constantly exposed and damaged by her behavior. That will have long lasting and possibly dangerous effects on them.

Your mental health in important.

laser_scalpel · 2022-01-14T02:13:59+00:00

10 yrs.. so lifetime alimony. atleast its TX, so CS will be capped. File for D. YOLO.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-01-14T02:38:16+00:00

Bro - she's got serious issues. Neverthelss, some key points:

You need to get her abuse on recording. Why? She will be throwing lots of false accusations at you during divorce. If you have recordings of her, it will help your case.
Check out this for more understanting: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374 3.

gnackered · 2022-01-14T14:14:44+00:00

Wow, pretty rough. All I can add is good luck.

Classic_Dill · 2022-01-14T15:30:22+00:00

The hardest part of a divorce...is actually deciding to get a divorce, its time to leave my man and take the kids until she is a safe option, fight for full custody and allow her supervised visits, its all fun and games until her mental state makes her harm your kids.

Crushed_95 · 2022-01-14T16:31:30+00:00

Man look!! What ever money you have yo pay to get away from her will be well worth it!

TP_Crisis_2020 · 2022-01-15T07:06:17+00:00

I say this as someone who has experienced almost the exact same thing as your scenario - Have you ever investigated the possibility that she has Borderline? My ex has BPD and her meltdowns were almost exactly like you describe in your scenario, even with the parents thing! She HATED my parents being around at our house, but then would bitch at me about why they must not like her and never came over. LOL. The behavior you describe is so similar that I could read it without context and say without a doubt that you were talking about my ex.

My advice is to investigate BPD and read up on it to see how well it matches up with your wife's behavior. If so, it is never going to get better with her and she will behave this way the rest of her life. I recommend checking out /r/bpdlovedones for a bit.

Title	Cold feet on filing..
Author	Windy_torn
Upvotes	10
Comments	37
Date	January 14, 2022 1:39 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/s3fqga/cold_feet_on_filing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/cold-feet-on-filing.1096320 https://theredarchive.com/post/1096320

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