"Reformed RPWs": Do you feel bad reading all the stories of other women waiting until marriage when you didn't?

saddensgirl · 2022-05-05T13:26:01+00:00

I felt like this and told my husband who then flat out told me he would've never married me if we never had sex before marriage. So I dunno, I wish I would've waited on one hand, but on the other hand I wouldn't have been able to marry my husband. So yeah...

rosesonthefloor · 2022-05-05T11:09:02+00:00

Nope! I respect that other women have made the best choice for them, and to them that was waiting for marriage.

For me, I would have missed out on some incredible relationships, experiences, and moments had I waited until marriage to have sex. I’m happy with where my life has taken me and where I am now - with an incredible man and a fantastic sex life. For me, personally, making sure I was sexually compatible with my partner for BOTH of our long-term sexual fulfillment and happiness was more important than waiting for marriage.

titlejunk · 2022-05-06T01:24:35+00:00

I had sex with my now husband the actual day we met.

If not for him I would never have been on a position to be an RPW. I didn’t want that for my life even a little.

So I guess I’m your “reformed RPW”.

Do I regret any of it? Absolutely not! Regret is wasted emotion. You can’t change the past.

I love my husband. We ended up together. He’s provided me with everything I could possibly need or want.

He actually admitted today that my sexual prowess (learned before I met him) is a huge plus in our relationship. Duh.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-05-05T22:24:07+00:00

and then being sad that I couldn't be like that for my husband. I stopped putting myself down for my teenage stupidity and thinking I'm 'less valuable' (loosing virginity with my first boyfriend and then go into nun mode after breakup until I met my husband), but the sadness and grief are still there.

Don't torture yourself. Your husband accepted you. And if your N-count is 2 that's a total non-big deal in modern society. It's practically virginal.

The thing to bear in mind for more "experienced" girls is that guys hate, Hate, HATE the idea of getting "less than" a former bf. So if you did three-ways or anal with another guy but not us? Hmm. It can be a problem. It's odd how psychology works.

Anyway, stop tormenting yourself. Your husband accepted you, so he's ok with it.

Anonymous_fiend · 2022-05-05T14:12:23+00:00

Sometimes but I’m happy to hear that others waited. It gives me hope that my lil bro will find a good woman since he’s a bit trad and a high earner. I was saving it for marriage (or at least engagement) but then I was SA’d multiple times. I’m more upset at myself for thinking so black/white. Afterwards I ended up not respecting myself by putting myself in situations where men coerced and/or took advantage of me. I felt there was nothing to lose and it was easier to give up. But then I established healthy boundaries, got therapy, and went into nun mode at 22. I was only sexual for about a year (age 21) so my fiancé doesn’t view me as slutty/promiscuous. And because most of it was a trauma response and unwanted he doesn’t hold it against me. I’ve still had men/“friends” try to pressure/force me while I was with him. I was under the impression that men and women could be platonically friends but my fiancé was very against me having any male friends. So to respect him I don’t put myself in these situations anymore by not having male friends. My behavior around men now matters more than my past to him. He also wasn’t a virgin when we met so he had less expectations that a woman would be. He’s said if he was born a woman he’d probably be a hoe in his teens-early 20s lol. I cope with it pretty well since you can’t undo the past all you can do is change yourself or situation. Since my fiancé is able to forgive easily he’s helped me forgive myself. I think a lot of men have more of an issue of women being enthusiastically sexual and open to trying anal/bjs/kinks/etc and then when they settle down they become more prude and use sex as leverage. They don’t give their husband the same treatment as the previous men when in reality he should get more. So since I’ve explored and done more with my fiancé at least I was able to try new experiences with him. He’s very appreciative that he gets more than anyone else I’ve had sex with. And I don’t use my past to manipulate or withhold sex. And since I already had sex I wasn’t going to make him wait until marriage because that would be unfair/disrespectful.

girlwithasidecar · 2022-05-05T14:14:36+00:00

My first was my on again off again ex. We weren't dating at the time but after we had sex we started dating again.

We both wasted quite a bit of time in a relationship that we didn't belong in. After we broke up and moved on, we agreed that a marriage (where we were headed we thought) would have ended in divorce within a few years.

When my husband and I got together (a few years later) it was the best sex I'd ever had. He had other partners and so had I. He was the only man I ever wanted to keep having sex with...so I did. I threw myself into the relationship and my life has been better for it.

Sex with other men didn't break me and other than my ex, it didn't make me feel attached to them. But for me, sex was never sacred. It wouldn't have been if I waited and married my ex. That's just not how I'm built.

But

Guy and I have done some fun kinky things together and still have pretty great and frequent sex. And the bonus (and I attribute this to the chemistry that made me pursue him in the first place) was that our kids were super easy to conceive even though we were both old enough that struggle would have been expected.

And for whatever it's worth - I don't like to label myself as a rule BUT I don't consider myself "reformed" anything. If I'm an RPW then that's what I am. I will hold my relationship up against anyone who married young as a virgin. It's not being a good girl that makes an RPW, it's being a good woman to her man.

Glad-Discount-4761 · 2022-05-05T09:59:10+00:00

Sorry if this was unnecessary.

My situation is not same but I regret putting my priority on my career and money as I am very money minded person.Instead I should have been focusing finding man early,go to health check up, learning sahw skills. In this sub,I read women sharing their stories about meeting husband,their sahm lifestyle.I am like," Good for you.you go girl" at same time I get angry at myself why I didn't did that.Sadness and grief are still there for me too.

To deal with it,you have to accept past. Sometimes I go for alone walk with hoodie on and nice foods I like. I love collecting rings as it gives me comfort.I have 56 now I am taking pride for it lol.

These little things helped me. To make you feel better,at least you got husband.You didn't end up like me

Maybe you can learn to give good blowjobs and follow some rpw sidebar.Your husband will appreciate it and isn't that you want right

Redlimetree · 2022-05-05T12:00:59+00:00

I don't feel bad about it. I might even say being a virgin would be a disadvantage where I am.

Adult female virgins in my country are super rare, even rarer still in my particular area. Religion isn't a big thing here. Unless they are recent immigrants but those families daughters tend to marry within their own ethnicity or the daughters choose to integrate with the main population and behave like the other girls.

Modern feminism and the casual take on sex is the norm. Most young girls aren't considering marrying young. If a male was looking for a quality wife that was also a virgin he'd be looking for a needle in a haystack. Logically speaking my "value" can't really be reduced for being a non virgin simply because there's no virgin option available.

Sex outside marriage, longer dating periods before engagement and not being a virgin here is such the norm I think many men, even the HMV (local market) men, would be very cautious if a potential partner was a virgin and wanted to wait till marriage. Here you'd probably have to bring a lot more to the table if you expected a man to wait till marriage.

CountTheBees · 2022-05-05T23:20:41+00:00

My N count is 4; and I regret the first two. If I had known that women can't separate sex with feelings I wouldn't have thrown away my virginity like that; and if I hadn't thrown away my virginity like that I wouldn't have been broken enough to make the second N possible.

I cried about it to my boyfriend because I felt very guilty, I think it was the same feeling you describe - grief and sadness. He pointed out that I had no good male role model and it was simply a result of that. Bad childhoods have lasting effects. Girls with abusive/absent fathers often go down a hole of promiscuity. The media lies about casual sex didn't help either.

And my boyfriend said that I was smart enough to not go down a hole of endless promiscuity. He was right. So that's what really helped me. Thinking about the good things I did rather than the bad things I did. No one is perfect, we don't make good choices, especially in our teens.

Find the good in your past self, find all the bad decisions you didn't make, praise yourself for learning from your mistake, finding a good man like your husband instead of a guy that would just pump and dump you, and figure out what (if anything) in your childhood or environment contributed to the bad decisions. And then cut them out/limit them in your current life.

Of course it's important to acknowledge your mistakes - but if you've learnt the lesson, if you haven't repeated them, why beat yourself up over it? Why ignore the good you've done?

Throwawayneedhelp77 · 2022-05-06T13:06:57+00:00

I feel jealous and sad. I wish I had saved myself for marriage.

Environmental_Ad5867 · 2022-05-05T14:51:01+00:00

Not really reformed RPW because I was brought up in a RP heavy culture. Virginity is a prized thing where I grew up but several things in my life have lead me to where I am. I’m not a virgin and I haven’t any regrets for it. I don’t see it as some sacred thing to be ‘given’ to my future husband because my sexuality is my own. Sexual compatibility is very important to me because I’ve experienced a relationship where Sex. Just. Didn’t. Work. Ultimately it ended because the lack of intimacy made me less committed despite him being a HVM in other aspects. I was honest enough to myself and him to admit that things wouldn’t work long term and ended things. Tbh I think we’re both happier people now.

But that’s just my own personal experience. My partner doesn’t want a virgin because he needs sexual compatibility as much as I do. He views it almost like a red flag if she’s withholding it to secure commitment (unless for religious reasons to which he said wouldn’t be compatible anyway). He has options and wouldn’t wait around.

He was the only person I’ve ever slept with on the first date (he laughs about it while I’m eternally embarrassed to admit it). We got on like fire when we met. But in our case, he viewed it as genuine sexual attraction and I wasn’t dangling some carrot to make him commit. He knew I was still vetting him as did he. From there, we were free to properly assess how compatible we are with each other. Despite us already having sex so early on, he still pursued me hard with intent (pun unintended!). Till this day, I still think he’s just yum and he loves it.

The only thing I can say to OP is that your feelings are completely valid but that your value as a woman doesn’t diminish. Your husband is a lucky man for you to hold him to such esteem and for having that desire to be better for him. Hold onto that feeling into other aspects of your life that you can change/have control over. It’s better to look forward rather than get stuck in the past.

Kaleidoscopiquant · 2022-05-06T02:17:53+00:00

being an RPW has nothing to do with your virginity

sunglasses90 · 2022-05-05T13:46:55+00:00

Not at all. I’m all for waiting if it’s important for both people, but I’m glad I didn’t enter my relationship with my now fiancé as a virgin. I was a late bloomer and it took me a while to settle into my comfort with sex. What came naturally to other women it seems didn’t come naturally to me, so I’m glad I had experience before I met him.

Sex, when done right with someone you care about isn’t a big deal to me. There’s a difference between doing it with a committed partner and going out and having hookups.

Most men do want sex before marriage because it is a gage for them how much you’re attracted to them and they need that emotional bond and so do women.

ismystreetname · 2022-05-05T13:43:49+00:00

No lol. I don’t feel bad and I’m actually glad my bf has experience with others. I wouldn’t know how good sex is with my bf if I didn’t have something to compare it to.

MelanieBeckinsale · 2022-05-05T19:03:31+00:00

Can you not be trad AND understand that certain life experiences doesn't "taint" you? I'd feel so sad for anyone who end up feeling bad about having had consenting sex with someone.

Underground-anzac-99 · 2022-05-05T10:57:05+00:00

If you're referring to my post from last night - I apologize for causing you to feel bad.

You can still achieve the deep intimacy that I describe there. It may be a bit more challenging, but it can be done.

Last-Childhood343 · 2022-05-05T14:05:45+00:00

I mean, I'm not a Christian, so it doesn't really bother me. My n count is only 2.

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