The woman who sexually assaulted me held the view that all men are evil and that we are sex crazed maniacs.

vaaralinen · 2023-02-03T13:22:54+00:00

If you have delusions of grandeur about how every man wants you, sure any rejection is gonna be shocking and enraging. Precisely what they call "feeling entitled to someone's body"

odysseytree · 2023-02-03T13:31:19+00:00

That's her projection to justify her sexual assault.

redhornet919 · 2023-02-03T13:24:25+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you. I definitely agree that this line of thinking is problematic. It’s the same line of thinking as “Black people are more likely to commit crimes“. I don’t know that you’re gonna find any studies on it, but historically speaking, dehumanization is the first step in and mistreating and abusing other human beings. If you ever want to talk to someone else who has been assaulted, my DM‘s are always open.

ProgressiveDudebro · 2023-02-03T17:54:03+00:00

I have noticed that I get very different responses depending on how I talk about my sexual assault experience.

If I talk about how my attacker called me crying in their hotel room to try and lure me in after I'd rejected their advances, sent their female friend to my hotel room demand I go make the attacker feel better, then physically manhandled me, ripped my shirt and tried to force me to penetrate them, I get a lot more scepticism.

There's often a response that feels dismissively like "well it can't have been that bad" with a strong impression they think I'm hiding part of the story where I was the bad guy, or that I'm trying to cover up a bruised ego by insisting the attacker really did want me. Basically: I'm a dude, therefore my standard for consent must be way lower. Related to that is the warped assumption that being forced to take a penetrating role in sex somehow can't be traumatic.

Their friend, by the way, said afterwards that I was the asshole for not fucking my attacker when I had apparently been sending clear signals for months that I was down to fuck. I hadn't. I was/am happily married and if you've been around us for more than five minutes, you would understand why I am proudly saved in my best bud's phone as "[wife's name]'s Bitch".

Now if I leave all of that out and simply say my other attacker was another man who forced himself on me, I at least get a degree of more sympathy and understanding because now my story fits into a narrative of male violence and 'toxic masculinity' as long as I don't list all the details.

In other words, in order to claim the 'sexual assault survivor' identity and title I have to fit into a certain narrative for ideological purposes. If I don't I'm disregarded as an edge case, as someone untrustworthy or even made to feel like maybe I was the bad guy in the room.

And even then, I'm not allowed to be a victim or survivor on my own terms. Two people can got through the same traumatic experience and struggle with completely different aspects of it. For me the sexual side of the assault wasn't what left an impression. What I struggled with afterwards was how unexpectedly afraid and freaked out I'd felt, and how the shock of the situation paralysed me for valuable seconds. I needed to talk about how that impacted me as both a person and as a man.

But the only service available to help me - and I really mean the only one I could find - didn't know how to help me with that, so they sent me for general counselling, where I got told they weren't trained to deal with sexual violence. So that was me left to deal with it alone. There was almost no help available as a man, and what help was there was essentially only any use if you were a man forcefully penetrated by another man.

Feminist ideology doesn't actually care about consent. It cares about ensuring men are always cast as the oppressor. So standards of consent are held very very high for women, whilst for men consent is largely irrelevant - what matters is if your experience of sexual violence helps show men as inherently sex-mad, violence-craving beasts. Thus in their minds if your attacker isn't a man who meets the stereotypes they have in mind, it wasn't really sexual violence, and you were probably asking for it.

LoveTheGiraffe · 2023-02-03T14:30:19+00:00

Hey I had the exact same thing happen to me. A woman who was a misandrist sexually assaulted me. I'm seeing a pattern here

ExtremeSea006 · 2023-02-03T15:21:54+00:00

Just blatant projection.

Looking back I've realized a lot of shallow girls justifying being a shitty human towards a guy with the whole "they're just a guy." thing

My ex did something similar, lying to make herself seem like the victim so that she doesn't have to feel any guilt for treating me like garbage.

Modern day feminism and also from my experience girl groups promote "incel talk" with the whole "hes trash, hes horrible, hes using you, men are garbage" amongst one another to make the other girl feel good too.

blaizken_420 · 2023-02-03T17:04:14+00:00

It's interesting how feminists blame the double standards with lady sex pests on "the patriarchy", when this proves the reality is that feminism systemically de-valuing men's feelings and assigning them as the eternal abusers is the real cause.

Nihi1986 · 2023-02-03T16:07:10+00:00

More than the view it's that she used it to justify her behaviour. Many people, definitely women too, are selfish and lack morals. This is certainly one of the many reasons why man hating is dangerous but a good person won't hurt anyone because of a view.

DifferenceThat8887 · 2023-02-03T21:40:58+00:00

My abusive ex did the same. She wasnt even feminist but over time started adopting the 'men are trash' aspects and other parts of feminisr rhetoric.

It's probably correlation more than anything. If they are kind of the person who is willing to sexually assault someone they are probably also more open to holding offensive and/or sexist beliefs.

I think a fair few also get invested in that kind of rhetoric precisely because it helps them justify/downplay their own behaviour.

Ermenegilde · 2023-02-03T16:15:56+00:00

Pure projection and self-justifying rationalization on her part.

hotpotato138 · 2023-02-03T14:17:41+00:00

Sorry to hear that! Yes, it can lead to this kind of behavior.

heretik · 2023-02-03T19:35:09+00:00

It's uncanny how similar her reasoning sounds compared to male rapists.

Hmmmm.

Motanul_Negru · 2023-02-04T15:16:55+00:00

Sure! Sounds like a textbook case.

Just always keep in mind, she's not just evil - she's wrong. You're not shit just because you're a man.

2023-02-17T01:18:42+00:00

Same, and misandrist feminists viewpoints lead to this, as well as in some cases internalized misogyny and what not.

Cnnlgns · 2023-02-18T14:44:12+00:00

It depends on the person. I was falsely accused of SA but I didn't hate all women because of her actions.

I was nearly killed by another stalker who tried to run me over with her car "if I can't have you then no one can". But I didn't hate all women because of her actions.

My ex cheated on me and dumped me on the way back from a cruise but I didn't hate all women because of her actions.

My g/f canceled on me to hang out with some other guy at his house in her pjs when I was planning on cooking her dinner. I didn't hate all women because of her actions.

My g/f cheated on me 3 weeks before Valentine's Day and told me how much she loved me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me and later confessed to it. I didn't hate all women because of her actions.

I've had women beat on my door, had some slap me in the face, one berated me for turning her down when she propositioned sex, I've had my fair share of liars and cheats.

By I kept my optimism and my SO found me. Had I been jaded then I wouldn't have found my soulmate.

There are some people that blame men for everything bad in their life. Perhaps it was just one incident, maybe it was a few bad people.

If they tell me that they hate men then I don't really want to be near them. So I don't irritate them but also I don't let their negativity get to me. When they put out negativity, they will probably only receive negativity.

Those people who hate won't see kindness, compassion, love, generosity, or any good qualities from that gender either because they are blinded by hate (they would think that there must be some ulterior motive).

You can't fix them. Only therapy might get through. Most people won't get help until they are ready to receive help.

odoof12 · 2023-03-03T19:36:47+00:00

i had something similar happen too me

the psycology of most female perpatrators is either they think hes enjoying it or she knows he doesnt like it but she doesnt care because hes a man and she cant "really" hurt him

CriticalDrive7 · 2023-03-22T02:56:38+00:00

Hey. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.

mrz0loft · 2023-02-03T14:17:31+00:00

Yes it is dangerous and yes it does...

But why is this written like this? Sorry to hear this happened to you but this is typed out very clinically.

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