I can't do this anymore. What's the first 3 steps to get out of this deathtrap?

ReallyLongBaguettes · 2023-03-13T17:52:14+00:00

Don't fall for the trap a lot of guys fall into. Giving everything away for peace of mind. Newsflash. If you have kids together you won't have any peace of mind for many years no matter what.

Do exactly what she will do. Get what you're legally-entitled to. Look long-term rather than short-term. You'll be very glad you did. If you don't you'll look back with forever regret that will be too late to remedy.

BosPatriot71 · 2023-03-13T17:44:34+00:00

Absolutely not. Leaving the house will create all kinds of short and long term challenges for you. Don’t let emotions rule your decisions; I know this isn’t easy!

Lawyer up immediately.

Grand-Expression-493 · 2023-03-13T18:43:17+00:00

Sorry bro you're going through this.

Be firm in your decision and be very sure this is what you want. There will be financial impact because of kids and consider you'll have to co-parent too.

Never go back on your decision.

Once you have made divorce decision, research law firms in your area, and set up consultations with a few of them. It will help you immensely to also research questions to ask a divorce lawyer before hand so it is more a managed conversation.

It can be a paid or unpaid consultant, but always ask the firm and confirm that your conversation will be privileged.

Ask them about whether you should move out or stay, and how you can protect yourself.

There will be a post made by a user called ddaythrowaway soon, I can feel it, where he will link you to a post about how to protect yourself. Talk to your lawyer about some of those points such as cameras, recording etc.

Pick the lawyer that gave you the most realistic advice (which might not the one you agree with). You need someone who tells cold hard facts.
File for divorce and serve her, prepare for the shitstorm.
Start therapy. Talk about your feelings, talk about weather, talk about anything. Just talk.
There will be times when you feel defeated, keep coming here to vent. We are here for you.

Be there for your kids. Best of luck.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-03-13T18:02:46+00:00

Don’t move out whatever you do.

Meet with a lawyer first.

Don’t say anything to your stbx about your plans.

Start exercising, eating well and working on sleeping. If you have a good foundation you will be able to mange the upcoming stress more effectively.

jimsmythee · 2023-03-13T20:33:34+00:00

I could have taken that route. But 6 years later? I'm So Glad I didn't!

I fought for 50/50 custody. I fought to keep my house. I fought to pay her $0 alimony. I fought everything.

And in the end? I got a great divorce. I looked long-term, not short term. Yes, the divorce took longer than expected. Yes, going to trial cost more than mediation. But in the end? I got that 50/50 custody. She got the $0 alimony. I kept my house and my car. It took her 2 days (according to the kids) to stop screaming. But was it worth it? Yes it was!

But 5 years later? I look back at the me of 6 years ago, and I say, "Thumbs up to you buddy! You rock!"

Worried_Umpire7373 · 2023-03-13T18:47:22+00:00

Everyone says moving out is a bad idea for a guy. I stuck it out in an uncomfortable home environment for a year before she finally moved in with some of her family. Filed as soon as she did, probably should have sooner in retrospect. I can see now how much worse my position would be if I had moved out instead of holding my ground. Stick it out, record audio of every interaction you can, hold the line, get good legal advice.

wisstinks4 · 2023-03-13T21:44:57+00:00

There are many steps to explore. 1. Bank 2. Beneficiaries 3. Lawyer 4. Mental health break, stress relief, chill

If it’s me, I hit the bank to set up my own accounts. Take out 50% from checking, savings transfer to my safe haven. Close out any dual DC and CC. Next I log in online and start changing my beneficiaries on all my key accounts; work, healthcare, retirement,etc from my wife to my sister. I call the sister giving her heads up. Then call my lawyer hockey buddy and say, walk me through the costs, documents, and timeline to get free from a crappy marriage. Also, ask him about alimony (this is the shitty part of having to pay her). I will also start writing the narrative I plan to send to my family and friends. Then drink a beer. Go to the gun range, blow through 100 rounds, clean up and plan my dinner, watching my shows.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-03-13T21:40:41+00:00

Step one: Retain a lawyer. Zero hints to your spouse that it's coming until the papers hit her.

Step two: Grow your balls back. Keep your home but carve out a space in it that's yours. Put a keyed lock on the 'your space' door. Don't move out, don't give an inch. It's all just as much yours as hers, and giving it all away to pursue "peace" is only going to tell her that in order to get what she wants, all she has to do is disturb your peace.

Step 3: Protect yourself. Get a recorder. Be on your best behavior, Zen mode. Be ready to file whatever temporary orders you need -- if she hits you and you can prove it then file a police report, file a restraining order, whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. She likewise as soon as she knows divorce is coming will be looking for any opportunity to claim abuse, so don't give her any possible thing to hang on for that.

Step 4: Enumerate all your stuff. Figure out what items you're willing to give up everything for and what items you'll be fine without. When it comes to negotiating division of property, pick stupid fights over things you don't care about and then let her win those things so she can feel like she's "winning" without her getting close to the stuff you actually want. At mediation it's not time to compromise, it's just time to express and lock down what you already agree on.

Step 5: Become an S-rank dad.

warrior_up · 2023-03-13T22:37:08+00:00

The Divorce outcome weighs heavily on the amount of time until you're officially BACK/ rebuilt. 3-7 years - 3 for those that set themselves up for success and 7 for the other men who caved or gave up because they were too weak mentally to handle a proper. business negotiation and timeline management.

CaliDude75 · 2023-03-14T05:24:05+00:00

I willingly gave her (our) house in exchange for keeping all of my investments and retirement accounts intact. I fortunately had another housing option available, and took it.

I would just say be strategic, practical and tactical. Look out for your own interests, but don’t get hung up on things that just create tension and argument.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-03-14T14:27:30+00:00

There's no going back. Embrace the reality you have created for yourself. The only way out is through.

Moving out before the divorce is final is the worst mistake you can make. Here's why: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622

Plenty of men have remained in the marital residence for a year or longer to ensure they achieved their goals. I did it for a year.

EntertainmentFree512 · 2023-03-13T18:39:23+00:00

Stay in the house. Stop any digital communication with her. Short phone calls. Nothing else. Lawyer up. Get a man. No female lawyers.

Title	I can't do this anymore. What's the first 3 steps to get out of this deathtrap?
Author	pleasureb4business
Upvotes	14
Comments	19
Date	March 13, 2023 5:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11qfnwx/i_cant_do_this_anymore_whats_the_first_3_steps_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-cant-do-this-anymore-whats-the-first-3-steps-to.1176373 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176373

Comments