Sex as communication vs just talking like adults

Sage_Planter · 2021-02-28T19:37:48+00:00

Anyone can refuse sex for any reason, and I'm sure we can all agree on that. If you know that you want to end a relationship, though, it's not fair to either yourself or the other person to let it drag on. Yes, it takes courage to tell someone it's over, but that's a normal part of being an adult in a relationship. I've broken up with a fair number of guys, and while it sucks to have to have "that talk," the feelings are just all temporary. Rip that bandaid off. I don't have the time or energy to keep entertaining someone who I no longer want in my life, and I'd much rather just end it. There's no world in which I'd have the patience to just keep someone around because I need time to muster up the courage to break up with him.

I've known men and women who have done similar things to end relationships because they're too afraid to just have the necessary conversation. Not necessarily withholding sex, but other ways of pulling away or acting cold. As an example, I know two men who have cheated on their wives in not-so-great marriages to implode them. Both of them should have just ended things, but cheating was an easier way out. Divorce was inevitable, and the healthy thing to do would have just been to approach their wives and ask for an out.

Fuego213 · 2021-02-28T19:45:44+00:00

He’s not stuck there in limbo lmao. He’s likely an adult, he can easily remove himself from the relationship and situation and move on.

There’s no law that says he has to be there. Hard to feel bad for someone that’s doing it to themselves.

SmurfESmurferson · 2021-02-28T19:36:14+00:00

What? She did talk to him

He made her feel invalidated and whatever else that comes with that (belittled, unimportant, whatever). She’s still angry and not over it, and he’s whining for sex when sex is still the last thing on her mind. She’s finding his behavior even more of a turn off

Both of them are being brats

LeatherDifference583 · 2021-02-28T19:49:03+00:00

What women doesn't get wet and horny when a guy gives puppy eye?

PreparationWorried33 · 2021-02-28T19:16:42+00:00

She did communicate with him and he didn’t listen. In the post she said they’ve been arguing about things he’s done that made her feel disrespected and he didn’t listen which then led to her being colder, losing interest and eventually denying him sex. She should’ve left him immediately after feeling disrespected and communicating that instead of sticking around to “work up the courage to dump him”. It sounds like she stayed because she’s still in the process of unlearning door mat people pleasing behaviors. Which honestly she needs to take a break from dating for a bit after she dumps this guy.

Slipthe · 2021-02-28T19:23:09+00:00

I mean he can either stay or leave.

She’s allowed her choice, and so is he.

If as a man you sense she’s pulling away... ask her about it,if her actions and emotional expressions show she doesn’t want to work towards renewing connection,but you do want to still connect...then give her the boot.

But if her actions and eMotions show she still wants tor truly be your girl. Try to work it out.

Some men are wise enough to see the subcomminication and some aren’t. Those who aren’t will be played with like a dead mouse to a cat.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-02-28T19:26:58+00:00

The guy should have just got up and gone home without saying a word. Throw the ball back into her court. She knows where to find him if she changes her mind. If she doesn't he just needs to move on -- NEXT!

PrincessFKNPeach · 2021-02-28T19:46:12+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-02-28T19:29:32+00:00

Why do women do this? And why do they then paint the guy as some kind of thirsty sex pest and frame it as an issue of her being strong and having boundaries?

Is that really a problem? I think the real problem is why do women act like men are arseholes for breaking up over sex?

As the post illustrates, more men need to understand that it is perfectly okay to leave a relationship because of sex.

2021-02-28T20:39:32+00:00

We don't know the real story. It was a story she wrote and in her world she is always in the right and has reasons etc. The reasons she felt disrespected are as likely to be trivial as breathing as to be really serious depending on how privileged her life was till now.

Regardless if the reasons are valid or not the feelings are there and physically affecting the relationship. At this point both should just go and end this, they are not compatible. Walking on eggshells 24/7 isn't a life and everytime he screws up she get's upset and it starts over.

Also his guilt trapping was pathetic though i would say only the one without sins should throw the first stone.

Slipthe · 2021-02-28T19:55:01+00:00

Gee. The mentality of having sex when you're not in the mood because you feel bad for him is all wrong.

Even if you're not aroused, one would have sex with a partner they love because they want to express that love in their partner's love language.

It's not pity. It's care.

Things are trending downwards if you feel resentment at caring for your partner.

autumncolors816 · 2021-02-28T20:07:40+00:00

The major point being missed here is that - she expressed how she was feeling and he didn't love her enough to listen OR was too selfish to make concessions. That's the problem...people are too lazy to do the work it takes to make the relationship strong!!! You learn people by communicating (talking AND listening).
You both have to decide...it's WORTH it!!

Physiologist21 · 2021-02-28T20:41:48+00:00

Saw ‘heteronormative patriarchal’ and ‘gaslit’ and couldn’t make it any further. Guy dodged a bullet.

superlurkage · 2021-02-28T21:34:19+00:00

He could and should have walked out the door if sex was all he was there for. Also, arguing and then expecting to fuck? What a man move

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2021-02-28T20:52:35+00:00

Just discard

Easy

2021-03-01T00:14:14+00:00

Ugh I think I need to get away from young people Internet for a while. That was such a cringey circle jerk post. I think you are right from his perspective he’s confused. On the other hand if this was the thing she needed to have an epiphany that the relationship is over, it’s not as big a deal as when a partner continually refuses sex and refuses to share the reason why making the other partner feel unloved and alienated.

IHaveABigDuvet · 2021-03-01T01:37:01+00:00

I think the best way for him to have addressed this situation, was address it.

Have a conversation about not feeling like your on the same page. Not feeling connected.

Pushing for sex just seems misguided when its clear that your partner is detached.

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-03-01T03:49:25+00:00

It can be tough to straight up break up with someone. I agree that’s the right thing to do, but I saw this story more as an example of why she is breaking up with him in the first place and a confirmation to herself that it is in fact the right thing to do.

Physiologist21 · 2021-03-01T04:46:55+00:00

"me feeling rather disrespected by some of the heteronormative, patriarchal ideals he seems to be displaying"

Nope. This guy is a grade A fool and all these comments cheering this zero on, Jesus Christ, no wonder so many women fail all the time.

2021-03-01T05:09:23+00:00

Tbh he sounds like a whiny baby, and she sounds like a terrible communicator.

I’m guessing they’re young...

vvvqvvv · 2021-03-01T05:50:34+00:00

Is he not a grown ass man capable of making his own decisions? If he doesn't want to feel like a rejected loser then maybe he should respect himself and leave. It's 10000% his fault for letting someone treat him like that.

thelajestic · 2021-03-01T14:11:00+00:00

Yes, she should obviously just break up with him and not string it along.

. Then he's stuck there in limbo with this person that he knows isn't into him anymore but she won't actually communicate about it with him.

However. Why would you put up with this? He doesn't need to be in limbo, he could just break up with her. You don't both need to play silly games; the other person can just end things.

This story is a great illustration of why TRP encourages not putting up with withdrawal of sex.

Not having sex once isn't withdrawal of sex btw. Obviously in this case it's a bit different, but in general, not wanting sex isn't a rejection, it isn't a withdrawal. Most people are not ready and willing for sex 24/7 as soon as their partner fancies it.

Women, have you ever done something like this? What should men do in this situation? Men have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Not exactly the same, but with my ex I'd made it very clear why I didn't want to have sex with him (he would ignore me all day apart from to ask for sex every now and then and had stopped making any effort in bed and basically just wanted a human fleshlight). We talked it to death and it didn't change so I had to start just turning down sex, because I knew there wouldn't be anything enjoyable in it for me. I ended things very quickly after that but I'm sure he just thinks I was a bitch who was withholding sex despite the numerous conversations we had on the subject.

I think men (and women) should leave the relationship if they aren't happy and/or no longer want to put the effort in. If it is genuinely out of the blue and they have no idea why sex has stopped then try discussing it with their partner - is there a mental health component, has something happened etc. If that's not working or their partner refuses to discuss it then consider leaving the relationship.

Title	Sex as communication vs just talking like adults
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	7
Comments	121
Date	February 28, 2021 7:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/lunqzr/sex_as_communication_vs_just_talking_like_adults/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/sex-as-communication-vs-just-talking-like-adults.1192048 https://theredarchive.com/post/1192048

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