Since we broke up, I was numb as hell and didn't feel like saying much except for little bits here and there. But I... just fucked up.

I was crying and crying and was on the edge of going crazy, started feeling like I had to remind myself why I left, otherwise this deep personal loss and despair will suck me in and make me convince myself to forgive him and get back together or something, which in my heart I knew would fuck me up. So I went back to look at recent old chats/conflicts to remind myself why I left, but I travelled down the rabbit hole and went to chats as old as June of 2020, and was so fucking disheartened to see some of the times I really should've left but didn't. I relived through the rattling anxiety and anger and confusion and despair and hurt that I had witnessed other times in the past and that I just pushed myself to move on from. But seeing some of the ways in which he replied to me, some of the things he said, some of the back and forths... was so disturbing. I felt so angry and so sad for myself. I cried again for a long, long time. Then I wrote him an email. It was an outburst and a cry of despair. I immediately regretted it.

I should've just written it down somewhere else and never sent it. It sucks because I know what he's going to do now. He's going to generalize it as my behavior, and he's going to discount his own shittiness by blaming a good chunk of it on my angry outbursts, present and past. He's gonna do that and then feel less shitty, I think he already did it. Then he is going to tell his mom about it, and they will both mutually subtly agree that I am the one who's crazy and that's the reason he's shitty at all. Not once will it cross his mind that maybe he is the one who has traumatised me so much that I am barely able to live inside my brain, and that these little outbursts are all because of that, and that I'm using to barely cope. He's gonna use it to describe to other people why we failed years down the line, probably. "She was an angry and controlling bitch and that took a toll on me, so yeah, I guess that made me bad somehow." (said in a nicer, more complicated way) I feel like that's gonna be what I'll be reduced to. I hope that in his heart he knows how much I have been hurt at his hands, and I hope he remembers how much I've tried to still keep him in my life and love him regardless. I know in my heart that I am sorry he had to face my anger but I also know that it was justified given his actions and how much they hurt me.

I wish I hadn't sent the email. People are bad. This world is so scary. I just want to stop crying and have someone spoon me and hold my hand to sleep.