Boyfriend of 2 years told me that he doesn’t see himself with me long term… not sure where to move from here

thinkaboutitfirstt · 2022-08-12T01:17:33+00:00

I feel for you, because you’re young, but you did say in another comment that you hadn’t discussed this previously. As much as it hurts and this is a terrible situation, you should NEVER wait two years to talk about this type of thing with a partner. Ever ever. This should’ve been talked about a month in at the latest. It’s perfectly okay to make your intentions clear when you meet someone- “I am dating with the intention to get married. This is the timeline I would ideally be married within. This is my ideal timeline for kids.” It’ll help you to avoid having your time wasted.

lgkm7 · 2022-08-12T01:35:18+00:00

Sounds like he isn’t ready to think about marriage age 25 and that probably has very little to do with you personally so don’t blame yourself. You are lucky to have learned this now. If you want to marry at the young age of 23 or date the person you are going to eventually marry then it needs to be a conversation at the beginning of the relationship I.e. “I am looking for a long term serious relationship that will lead to marriage”. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

bbs540 · 2022-08-12T03:18:24+00:00

Assuming he was dead serious, sounds like the relationship is over. But that’s coming from a males perspective. If a female ever said that to me, I’d bring it up again and lead it towards talking about my intentions and not wanting to waste my time in my youth. Especially for females, the time for dating in your youth is far more valuable

Edit- I say that now, but if I was in love with this person, that’s tough… very tough. I’d like to say I could walk away even if they didn’t want to yet, but who knows. Obviously is the right thing to do for yourself

DraftTrick9559 · 2022-08-12T00:19:46+00:00

Why do you think it’s YOUR fault for him not wanting to marry you. You should move on, you’re settling for someone who is not sure of you. I wouldn’t waste anymore time but look forward to meeting your new self. Love won’t save this I’m sorry

Jenneapolis · 2022-08-12T00:51:25+00:00

I’m curious if you both talked about this when you first started dating. Did his view change or did you just assume he was interested in marriage? Some men are just not interested in marriage ever, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. We as women tend to think we can change them if we just do enough, but that’s not the case. When I was younger I also used to think they would grow into the desire over time, but now I don’t believe that’s usually the case either. Even young men in the early 20s will usually say if they want to get married someday, they can express that and say “ yeah not now I’m way too young but when I’m older I definitely want marriage and kids.” If they come out of the gate however saying they don’t want it or they don’t know, more often than not I don’t think they “grow into it” - we as women just hope they do. I’m sorry.

Redlimetree · 2022-08-12T04:13:47+00:00

Please don't blame yourself. I've been in his shoes. I dated a guy who I didn't realise at first was dating for marriage and to start a family but at the time in my life marriage wasn't on my mind and he wasn't somebody I saw raising kids with, but he was still an amazing boyfriend and I really enjoyed my 2 years with him. He's now engaged to the love of his life and I'm super happy for him.

People are allowed to have different short term goals. Times have changed and it no longer is assumed in Western Society if you are dating in your 20s you are dating for marriage. It has nothing to do with your value as a wife. Just his own mindset.

Yeah IMO it sucks. Dating for short term "fun" is just leading a pig to the slaughter. Somebody, or even both parties, are likely going to get their heart broken. After breaking that guys heart I vowed to never do it again.

But life goes on. Don't delay your life going on. It's not up to you to change his mind on his decision. Break up with him. Go grieve and heal. Then find the perfect partner for yourself who is looking for the same thing you are. Be upfront about what you want to avoid this same situation again.

Glad-Discount-4761 · 2022-08-12T02:51:30+00:00

I know this sub don't advise to leave him first

But I will say leave him,just get him out of your life. At least it happened in your 23 not 30.

This is simple but hard to get into. Just go to gym or exersise, develop healthy eating habits and focus on being better version of yourself.

My previous relationship was similar.Most of fight happened due to me.He don't used to get upset at me.Same thing happened to me,I wasted so much time by mourning that now I am already old ,my options are very very limited.He already moved on and got married while I was doing nothing just keep existing as useless creature.So don't end up like me.

Take some time to mourn,then slowly check out in YouTube related to your interest like makeup,hobby or whatever.I can give you suggestions if you want related to skincare, exercise, diet or something Just do it in next 10 years you will not regret it.

If you want committed relationship or marriage with man,go for 28-33 years old man and see how it goes as they are more mature.If you want kids,then immediately do it.Female fertility cycle is very limited,in 30s ,it is possible but you have to struggle for it

possiblyourgf · 2022-08-12T00:43:21+00:00

I was in this same situation. I didn’t know till the end, 3 years later. It’s been a year now, and it still hurts. How dare someone date you for so long without seeing you long term and not tell you from the beginning? Extremely disrespectful. I’m with someone now (4 months in) who is very committal, and I’m telling you that you deserve SO much more

Anonymous_fiend · 2022-08-12T04:57:44+00:00

This is why it's important to state intentions in the beginning if the relationship. You should gauge compatibility before too much time passes or serious feelings develop. Take this as a learning lesson. If you are wanting marriage it's best to date for marriage not date for fun. You were dating for fun too. If you were taking it seriously you wouldn't be in this situation. It's a completely different process. Vetting is part of the foundation of rpw.

You have 2 options: break up and find someone compatible or work on your girl game and see if you can woo him. Men will date women for 7+ years and then marry a woman they've known for less than 1. Men marry when they're ready. And that timeline may not match up with yours. He also may not be husband material. Maybe one day he will be but your youth is valuable. Don't waste too much more time. Take what men say at face value. If you do stay don't stay longer than a year because men will waste a woman's time if she enables it. He's comfortable.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-12T09:50:35+00:00

"Not sure where to move from here" as much as I like to avoid the "dump him" advice I think you evidently both want different things. You could stay in the relationship and hold out for him to change his thinking, but that's unlikely to work.

I'm sorry to hear about your abuse, if he's a safe person for you then that further complicates things.

2022-08-12T09:45:10+00:00

Not to comment on the situation itself but rather the underlying issue with your trauma is that to arouse feelings of lifetime partnership you would need to be secure enough in yourself that you can commit, take the risk and try to show your value. Where as when you need extreme validation because of your trauma it will make giving value difficult. So this is directly working against convincing a man of your value to him. It's not just if he right but you also have to prove your own worth. It's not just about love. It's about personal effort into the relationship. It's malleable. It's not does it work or not. Can you make it worth it can you make it work. Plenty of men aren't looking for a long term relationship until a woman convinces them otherwise. So it's not as simple as him wanting or not wanting a long term relationship.

I'm trying to simulate it and I feel it's just a hole you have that produces insecurity. You need someone to tell you you are good enough because you feel you aren't. Not something I'm personally familiar with just trying to extrapolate what it's like. But either way something you should try to address and change. Deep personality work like this is difficult and requires actual effort. And as said already is something that needs to be addressed fairly quickly when you determine a man is worthy of your effort because if he doesn't know it's going to be a problem he can't address right. Good luck with that.

Not really taking a stance on whether to continue with him or not because there isn't much detail but it's far easier to come in ready and stay correct than trying to fix it down the line.

StripperWhore · 2022-08-12T12:38:06+00:00

Dump him. Also get therapy for your abuse because you deserve to heal. You're likely tolerating being treated this way from your background of abuse. (fellow victim here, I've been in the same boat. Don't waste another minute without a good therapist. I t may take you multiple tries to find someone you like)

aussiedollface2 · 2022-08-18T22:20:08+00:00

Lots of men date for fun. He probably enjoys your company, perks of having a gf, and regular sex. But he’s made himself clear and I think you need to process this and move on xo

proofofkeys · 2022-08-12T01:52:21+00:00

Leave him. If he is the right one he will miss you and realize you were marriage material. If he wasn’t, then good thing you got out now.

Elfen8 · 2022-08-12T13:49:17+00:00

He’s told you how he feels. It’s doubtful that that will change, he may continue to be with you, but it’s unlikely you’ll have the future with him you want

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2022-08-13T01:51:39+00:00

He is young, young guys often feel this way. Many times they feel they have not yet attained the financial success or experiences they want to have before settling down, but it's nothing you did. However you are wasting your energy and time on him now while you should be focusing on yourself. You're only 23, it's so young, if anything I agree that it's disrespectful towards yourself to stay with someone who is figuring things out, it's not your job to coddle him while he takes you for granted. Men don't really appreciate or respect that kind of devotion really. I was younger and I would date people who were not sure too and I finally have a partner with who it isn't hard and it's so worth it, you will also find that.

You have the opportunity to work on your issues and your self-esteem and I promise you will come out much better and you will find someone who is perfect for you. With additional time you also have the opportunity to strengthen female friendships that don't falter like this, develop hobbies, work on various parts on yourself without concerning yourself with someone else's happiness. You just have such opportunity to invest your time in better bonds and experiences!

Search-United · 2022-08-12T06:00:52+00:00

That sad

redditmichelle1 · 2022-08-12T20:02:06+00:00

Y'all really dating for years without a ring (I'm so sorry) after 6 months I'm breaking up if he's not serious... Otherwise you're wasting 4x as much of your life

wtfmica · 2022-08-12T21:50:26+00:00

Tell him your ideal. Ask him if he could think of you that way(wife). If not you are losing time. It's like being child free. You can not change how the other person is thinking or feeling. Sucks but best now before 40

sunglasses90 · 2022-08-13T02:51:14+00:00

25 is typically really young for a guy to get married. There’s a few out there that have things figured out and do it and that’s fine, but generally they’re not super financially stable at that point. It’s not 1950 where you join the military and buy a house for $25K. Economically things are different. Socially things are different.

If you’re ready you have to date to find a man that’s also ready.

BusinessBus1441 · 2022-08-15T13:06:57+00:00

Sorry to hear that. Is he Chad or Tyrone that would explain him saying this. Much like attractive women he has his pick of women throwing them selves at him. It's going to be hard but you had best let him go. To understand why click here https://youtu.be/xxQqyRUvcBM

Lisavela · 2022-08-15T14:16:13+00:00

Honestly it sounds like the relationship is over, it is not your fault he doesn’t want to marry you, should move on he won’t change.

Title	Boyfriend of 2 years told me that he doesn’t see himself with me long term… not sure where to move from here
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	44
Comments	36
Date	August 12, 2022 12:13 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/wm6kww/boyfriend_of_2_years_told_me_that_he_doesnt_see/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-of-2-years-told-me-that-he-doesnt-see.1209115 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209115

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