Q4W: Why do so many women enter into relationships with really awful men?

Mrs_Drgree · 2023-05-25T21:36:33+00:00

Removed for bad faith.

EulenWatcher · 2023-05-25T20:33:57+00:00

I think there is a huge difference between an abusive partner and just a lazy partner. Pigeonholing them all in one group doesn't make any sense and there's no point in discussing all of them together.

Considering abusive partners I'll repost my old comment.

Abusers are good manipulators and they do their best not to let their victims leave them. They gaslight, they guilt trip them, they isolate them, make them as dependent on them as they can. They make them believe no one will love them, that they deserve nothing, that they're terrible human beings themselves who cause their loved one to behave in an abusive manner.
Abuse victims often don't realize they're abused as they're gaslighted and manipulated due to the first point.
Mental issues. Abusers seek vulnerable partners who they can easily abuse and who will have issues with leaving them.
There's a cycle of violence that makes abuse victims hope things are turning to the better. Honeymoon-nitpicking-scandals-violence-honeymoon.
Sinking costs.
Financial and other kinds of dependency. As I've already said abusers do their best to tie their victims to themselves.
Threats. Abusers can be physically violent, they might threat their victims to kill them if they try to leave, kill their kids or parents. And these threats often get fulfilled. Statistically the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when they're leaving and a period of time after that. It's when most assaults happen.
A lack of help or resources.

A person doesn't need to hit all the points from the list to stay with their abusers, just one or two can be enough. It isn't much different

the_lazy_orange · 2023-05-25T20:43:25+00:00

He starts off as an amazing partner and changes. After some time passes, the real abuser comes out. Especially after trapping her with a move, marriage, or pregnancy.

10throwawayantsy · 2023-05-25T20:45:11+00:00

People are fake. Women are choosing nice, kind men that later show that they're actual demons, and then struggle to leave the relationship hoping the fake/nice man will come back

saraimarsena · 2023-05-25T20:46:21+00:00

can only speak for myself:

very low self esteem
naive and inexperienced
daddy issues and a desire to “earn” affection
lonely and isolated
romanticized the idea of a tough guy with a soft spot for me

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-05-25T20:47:00+00:00

My shittiest boyfriend treated me incredibly well for literally years and only dropped the mask when we were already living together. And even then, he wasn't terrible 100% of the time. He spent a lot of time building a loving, trusting relationship and put me in a situation where breaking up required serious effort on my part. And because leaving him was a process, it was possible for him to disrupt that process by acting like the version of himself I fell in love with, giving me false hope that all the bullshit was just a rough patch.

Even in retrospect, there weren't many red flags but there were a whole lot of green ones. I still have no idea how much if any of it was planned ahead of time. Deeply creepy!

Orangematcha · 2023-05-25T20:31:49+00:00

There’s a lots of factors why that could happen, one of them being deception from the other person in the relationship . If the guy makes themself be a great person but deep down they’re only doing it to keep the relationship instead of having a healthy relationship. It’s easier to try to keep a relationship than be alone again and have to work different challenge s

Barneysparky · 2023-05-25T20:41:58+00:00

From the take of guys here there doesn't seem to be any guy in a relationship whose not either a bad dude or just being used.

ffandyy · 2023-05-25T20:56:50+00:00

Because most awful men are good at disguising it until they have you under their control

Mountain_Air1544 · 2023-05-25T21:06:30+00:00

Abusive and extremely toxic people will often act like the greatest thing ever to "Trap" a partner. Many men who are lazy, abusive, shitty husbands acted like the perfect boyfriend for a long time, or they can justify/lie about their shitty behavior well enough that you don't see it for what it is until it's too late

WYenginerdWY · 2023-05-25T21:07:49+00:00

Because really awful men are really good liars. The end.

anon018274031 · 2023-05-25T20:25:10+00:00

Can only speak to why I’ve dated assholes (was never good enough for them though so didn’t enter a relationship) - I will take what I can get - I’m lonely af, I tried going without for a few years and I miss intimacy too much. I missed having that person to rely on, to care for and share things with. - just seems to be the options available - I’m naive, often fall for the lies. This is something I’m working on but there are some men out there that deserve Oscar’s

I have been in a relationship with someone who was lazy and broke (although he wasn’t a horrible person). I was in that relationship for similar reasons as above tbh, convinced myself I loved the guy. I think I just enjoyed having someone to care for and share things with.

Currently not dating an asshole I hope… but it’s still very early days.

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caobozo · 2023-05-25T20:22:59+00:00

low self worth and bad male role models

lacuti3 · 2023-05-25T21:02:55+00:00

I think when girls complain about their boyfriends or husbands red pillers always assume they’re “bad boys” when they’re just normal guys. Every guy is capable of being toxic. Every “nice guy” is capable of being an asshole. And women call everything “abusive” if you haven’t already noticed

RainbowHydrangeas · 2023-05-25T21:22:26+00:00

Bad faith question

ItIsnt0verYet · 2023-05-25T21:24:09+00:00

When I entered a relationship that ended abusive it didn't start that way. He was very loving at first. Then slowly started accusing me of doing things like hitting on other people, finding other people attractive, and cheating. He started becoming physically restrictive, i.e. not letting me leave or forcing me to leave, throwing things at the wall beside me, and using his weight to hold me down and refusing to let me go. Later he started threatening to kill himself when I refused to see him. All of this was very gradual and mixed in with loving moments so it was hard to see the bad that was happening around the good person I thought I knew. The relationship didn't last long, less than 3 months before I was looking for an escape. The trouble was that I was young and inexperienced. I didn't want to believe someone was truly a bad person who had no good intentions for me.

Idk why it happens every time but in my case it took taking a step away from the relationship so I could see it in its entirety rather than focusing on each intense moment. The relief I felt after finally cutting him off was immeasurable. I hadn't realized how much I was isolating myself to appease him.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2023-05-25T21:25:52+00:00

my one and only terrible relationship:

I had just returned from 4 months abroad and turned 15 years old. I had very little identity and felt incredibly insecure compared to my friends that had spent that time together. Enter the wounded boy that fixated attention on me when I felt ignored by everyone else.

why I stayed: blackmail, threats, violence, pity; pretty standard stuff. I had low self esteem and felt entirely alone, so it didn't take much to drag a fragile 15 year old girl into a chaos spiral.

If I left, he'd kill himself. His father beat him because of me, but he loved me so much he was willing to endure the beatings. Then the assault and blackmail, but if I told anyone I'd get in trouble because I wasn't supposed to be there with him. Then the theft and blackmail, if I left him he'd make copies of my journal and give them to my parents, teachers, friends, etc. Then the photographs and blackmail, the stalking and fear, threats against family/friends/pets and the guilt, etc.

Its a black hole thats hard to climb out of, and if you don't have a non-judgmental support system its very easy to give in to the chaos spiral.

Title	Q4W: Why do so many women enter into relationships with really awful men?
Author	YesNoDegrees
Upvotes	1
Comments	39
Date	May 25, 2023 8:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13rs7b0/q4w_why_do_so_many_women_enter_into_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-why-do-so-many-women-enter-into-relationships.1220322 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220322

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