How can I gently help my boyfriend see that he doesn’t actually want what he says his dreams are?

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2023-06-27T09:59:55+00:00

He wants to do something challenging instead of something he already knows he’s good at. This is essential for his self esteem as a man. Don’t ever act like you think he can’t succeed, and you know better than him what he should be doing with his life. This is a time to STFU and support him if you want to stay with him.

Dehydrated_Jellyfish · 2023-06-27T10:30:50+00:00

Due to your ages, you get to watch him become a real man. That’s gonna take growing pains. You can’t prevent that. You can just stay in your lane and watch him go.

CountTheBees · 2023-06-27T10:22:12+00:00

Oh, careful, please. Don't bring him down.

If he feels like plant biology isn't impactful enough -- that's his decision to make. I think he's becoming a man, and sacrificing his own happiness and interests in order to become greater in the world.

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-06-27T09:06:31+00:00

You have his best interest at heart. Unfortunately his mind is set. He will either notice problems on his own or not at all. And he might suffer in silence. I would just provide a listening ear and respect the hell out of people who downsize/change career in front of him!

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-06-27T09:28:07+00:00

I understand the need for privacy, but it's quite clear you are talking about AI and the Bay Area tech scene. I mention this because while the two fields are similar in many ways, some of their differences are relevant to this discussion.

You are making a mistake of ascribing your own priorities onto him. Perhaps for you, enjoying what you do is the main priority in your own career choices. But his decisions make it clear that his priorities are different. He is pursuing this field primarily for socioeconomic status, specifically, the prestige that comes from working in this field as well as potential economic advancement.

You should not take this away from him. He is 21 and only 2 years out of college. This is a period in his life where he has the most freedom to take on risks and challenges and to tolerate the stress that comes with them. Denying him this opportunity, I believe, would be a mistake and would lead to resentment in the long run. What you are trying to do is to ask him to sacrifice professional prestige and considerable financial upsides that would affect the rest of his life. And for what exactly? To save him from stress?

I question what your motivations for trying to change his mind really are. Part of me suspects that there are other reasons you are avoiding admitting to us, or perhaps even to yourself? Perhaps you have hesitations about moving to ~~Bay Area~~ Bahamas? Perhaps you do not think he will succeed in this field? Perhaps you do not like the time and energy he is devoting towards this pursuit and away from the relationship with you?

jenna_grows · 2023-06-27T12:25:32+00:00

He’s 21. He has the option of switching careers and bombing out and whatever else he needs.

And you’re 23. As much as you think you know, you have a lot of growing and learning to do.

Embrace the journey together instead of trying to dictate his self-growth and career paths.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-06-27T13:01:27+00:00

It takes a lot to fund passion, especially when passion won’t fund life. Tell him that he seems happiest when he does “x”. I was told that when I made a chunk of money but working a job that was killing who I was.

cbunni666 · 2023-06-27T14:09:48+00:00

I understand 100% what you're dealing with. I had to watch my husband fall on his face and what I mostly did was say "now what did I say??" It was an aggravating situation that cost us $10k. Life rule #427: NEVER EVER cosign for things for other people.

Anyways. This was long before I was going into red pill. I wish I knew then how to handle it more maturely instead of pretty much saying "I told you so!" It did hurt our marriage but he knew he was in the wrong. But what he did learn out of it is to not do it. Sometimes life lessons have to be learned the hard way. You want to protect him from being hurt or disappointed which is fine but it can hinder him from exploring things because you try to keep him on the safe path. What he is doing can be risky but then again he may change his mind and make it work for him or leave it on his own and go back to what he was doing to begin with. Either way it was HIM making the decision. Sometimes you have to sit on the side and wait with the first aid kit just in case but you're still letting them go out and figure things out.

PrintingFeelings · 2023-06-27T14:19:47+00:00

For him to be in the data science / ml research team of a company he'd need to have a PhD in a quantitative field. Other jobs in the area are relatively easy, extremely well paid and do not take much of your time if you do home office. That's probably what he's looking for.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-06-29T15:05:57+00:00

From a comment of yours:

I genuinely really do this he is a very talented man and I want him to do something valuable that he enjoys. My dad always taught me to look for a good fit between the gifts god gave you, what you’re interested, and what the world needs. His unique personality just fits sooo well with “plant biology” and geez Louise we need some “plant biologists” in this world. Even the parts of AI that he’s interested in seem to have a way of circling back to this other interest.

This is your opinion. I read a lot about what you want him to be and what you think his dreams should be and how that makes you feel... but you are not at the centre of this issue. You want him to do X, ok - and...? Your opinion about his talents, personalty and career is not the most important one. His own opinion is. You are basically asking "how do I convince him that the only right way forward is conforming to my opinion about his life"... well, you don't. If you have specific concerns, like not wanting to move to the Bay area, of course bring them up; it's your life and your decision too. But bring up what regards you, not his supposed lack of self awareness. "You don't know what you really want - I do" is an incredibly disrespectful thing to imply.

saddensgirl · 2023-06-27T13:29:27+00:00

My husband and I went through a few phases in our younger years where both of us thought we could use passion projects to pay the bills. My husband encouraged me before I bombed out and I encouraged him when he was young and just trying to see what would work best for him to become the provider he is today.

My point is, we were young and throwing things at the wall to see what stuck because well, we were young. Life changes alot in your 20s. And it's good that he wants to challenge himself. It shows he has ambition and isn't complacent. Lift him up, encourage him to follow his dreams, and see what happens. This is par for the course when you're in the building stage with a man and not with someone who is already established in their career.

And you both are still young so you have time to figure this out.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-27T07:49:45+00:00

Title: How can I gently help my boyfriend see that he doesn’t actually want what he says his dreams are?

Full text: This is going to sound quite arrogant so please tell it to me straight if I need to change my perspective.

I’ve (23F) become convinced that my boyfriend (21M) isn’t actually interested in what he says he’s interested in career-wise. For context, we met in college, have been dating 3 years, we’ve both been out of college a couple years, and we both have good steady jobs. He basically has roughly two main interests. For privacy, I’m going to change the exact interests - let’s say that one of his interests is cryptocurrency and the other is plant biology.

He’s been expressing a lot lately that he wants to get out of the career he is currently in, and find a job related to cryptocurrency (again, not actually cryptocurrency). I was originally totally in support of this, he’s a really smart guy and I think he should follow his dreams. The problem is that…. I don’t actually think he likes crypto currency?? I learned a bit about bitcoin and even took a class about it in college so I could keep up with him - but whenever I try to talk about it with him he says he’s tired and would rather talk about something lighter. He had an opportunity to get involved in blockchain research and for weeks he complained about the project, telling me he thought the particular niche research topic was stupid. Finally, he emailed the professor, said he had too much on his plate, and dropped the research project.

On the other hand, he’s always had this side interest in plant biology. He read a lot of books about plants in highschool and volunteered at an urban farm in college. When we walk together, he’s quick to offer his opinions on what he thinks about the planters on the sidewalks. He’s always sending me these incredibly nerdy YouTube videos about different plants from exotic parts of the world and we’re partway through planning a complicated vacation to go to a national park. Unlike with crypto, I don’t have to pry to get him talk - this man will talk my ear off about chlorophyll and honestly it’s really cute to see him get all excited like that.

I’m a big fan of Laura Doyle and her philosophy has worked really well for us so far. My boyfriend had pretty overbearing parents growing up and takes a lot of pride in making his own decisions. But I can’t help but worry that he’s only interested in pursuing crypto because its an exciting hot field right now and he’s trying to quell his insecurity that pursuing plant biology or staying in his current career isnt “enough” or isnt “impactful” enough. I wish he could see that plant biology and his current career are both really impactful already.

Now he’s making plans to quit his job and move to the Bahamas to be closer to the crypto scene. (I would move with him if he went) while simultaneously gearing up to study for hours to prepare for crypto job interviews (competition is fierce and most people study for months for these job interviewers). He went through this hellish interview process once before (and failed) but the process was really hard on our relationship and I missed him a lot. Selfishly, I like seeing him happy and excited and don’t like when he’s stressed. How should I handle this situation? So far, I’ve basically just tried to respond supportively to both topics when they come up and do things to reduce his stress level.

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flower_power_g1rl · 2023-07-02T03:07:13+00:00

Let him do it. Trust him even as he fails, dislikes it, and changes his mind. These are normal in life and necessary at his age.

You said he had strict parents - he needs to get out and find himself. He couldn't do any of this when he was younger. Please understand. It's not about crypto, it's about a life journey in which he finds himself. And he wants you to be there with on this journey.

If you encourage his plans instead of making him feel you don't believe in him, he will love you more and grow even more at home and in career.

If you move, just make sure you can find a job you like, first. But being happy in a place is all about the mindset. There are opportunities and kind people everywhere; you won't regret. However it may be a better idea to only move it you two are engaged or married.

"So far, I’ve basically just tried to respond supportively to both topics when they come up and do things to reduce his stress level" this sounds great but also remember you are responding supportively to HIM, not to the topics.

Title	How can I gently help my boyfriend see that he doesn’t actually want what he says his dreams are?
Author	Margareydragonslayer
Upvotes	7
Comments	21
Date	June 27, 2023 7:49 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14k72qc/how_can_i_gently_help_my_boyfriend_see_that_he/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-gently-help-my-boyfriend-see-that-he.1223613 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223613

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