I don't have the courage

ViolentTakeByForce · 2023-08-16T16:01:33+00:00

Hey brother,

Feel free to reach out to me.

Get in the gym, listen to motivational vids, seek God. Create a positive environment for yourself.

You are not doomed, change your mindset.

Decorum1 · 2023-08-16T17:33:58+00:00

You don't think you deserve to be loved?

I'm just a year older. Ten years ago, I got to the point where I was willing to lose it to fix it.

I wasn't bluffing. I was kind but firm. I learned to say no, and to walk away.

Finally, the day came. I told her if you threaten me with divorce one more time, I will make it happen. At that point, I felt I had nothing to lose.

She said, "Well, I was just trying to wake you up."

It wasn't perfect, but I refused to walk on eggshells after that, and we worked on mutual respect, communication, and personal boundaries.

Things are much better now, and as we both begin to have more medical issues, we are there for each other.

Once you let the genie out of that bottle, it won't go back in.

.ake your three wishes brother, and go for it!

tvtv3323 · 2023-08-16T16:35:55+00:00

"I'm 64 and doomed to suffer for my remaining years." No you're not. If you do, that's your choice. You have more options than you think you do, or that you feel like you do.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-08-16T17:08:04+00:00

Get and read No More Mr Nice Guy.

fishingforthought · 2023-08-16T19:16:38+00:00

Why suffer? I left and divorced at 66 , enjoying the time I have.

dnbndnb · 2023-08-16T19:49:08+00:00

Will she stand by you later in life if you get sick? Doubtful. Will she leave if you stand up to her? Probably. So stand up for yourself. See a lawyer on the sly. Have all your finances with you. Figure out what an exit strategy would cost & what’s left over. Are you working or retired? You might need to retire & then get divorced. You might need to buy a 2nd home & change YOUR official residence to that one to file in a friendlier state. You certainly should plan your exit. You might have 20 more years or more. Is that a peaceful retirement?

Kueballphil · 2023-08-16T22:35:40+00:00

You do have the courage. You need to take that first step then each step comes easier than the previous. Felt like that for a long time till I realized I deserve better. You can do it I promise.

yods35 · 2023-08-16T22:52:42+00:00

You gotta do it. You have a lot of years left. They can be the best of your life or miserable. You don’t owe her anything. If you don’t have the courage to confront her, don’t. But make another plan. Pack a suitcase and leave while she’s at the store (be aware you might give up some tights to the house, probably call a lawyer first). Call a lawyer and ask for advice. Whatever you gotta do. I cannot tell you how good of a feeling it is to be free of that kind of daily burden. You deserve it. You’re stronger than you think. You can do it. Make a goal. Break it down into small manageable steps. Set aside everyday some time to reach those steps. Fuck her. You can do it.

ranger69danger · 2023-08-16T23:31:15+00:00

No reason to live in misery

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-08-17T02:25:30+00:00

Is it because of your age, being alone has you worried.. I too sometimes worry about as I Get older.. if shit happens, who will help me. Honestly a big reason when I get divorced I do hope to find a GF eventually.. never again getting married though. Does seem odd to be in our 50s and 60s or later with bf/gf and not married. Maybe get married in my 70s if we're a good couple. By then sex will be like once or twice a year and not nearly as big a thing as it still is for me today. Honestly sex is one of the hardest things in trying to leave my current wife. Haven't had it in a long time..but fuck do I want it.. not cause I have any emotional attachment to her, but cause it feels good. Hate the stupid strong urge to give in to that. But am told NOT to have sex is I am planning on divorce or it will be used against me.

Educational_South_65 · 2023-08-16T16:29:36+00:00

At 64? Yep, you are doomed!

Tobeyx97 · 2023-08-16T16:30:56+00:00

What did she say to u? Generalize…that was abusive?

Thebadmamajama · 2023-08-17T04:10:09+00:00

Someone shared this book in another post: When I say no, I feel guilty https://g.co/kgs/3uYKw3

It's old enough you could probably find it at a library too.

I'm only part way through, but a lot of it resonates. From another brother who was married 20 years to a verbally abusive ex, and accommodated everything, you're not alone, and there are ways to find and bring joy back into your life (and set boundaries).

This is a summary of the book courtesy of our favorite artificial intelligence....

"When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith delves into the importance of assertiveness in personal communication. The book’s central premise is the idea that individuals often struggle with asserting themselves, leading to feelings of guilt when they say "no" or set boundaries. Smith offers techniques and insights to overcome this guilt, emphasizing the importance of standing up for one's rights without being aggressive.

Bill of Assertive Rights: One of the primary frameworks introduced is the “Bill of Assertive Rights.” This asserts that every person has the right to be treated with respect, to express feelings and opinions, and to say no without feeling guilty.
Manipulation Recognition: Smith outlines common manipulation tactics, such as guilt-tripping, shaming, or threatening. Recognizing these tactics is the first step to countering them effectively.
Broken Record Technique: One of the key assertiveness techniques highlighted is the "broken record" approach. This entails calmly and consistently repeating your request or stance until it's acknowledged, without getting sidetracked by manipulative tactics.
Fogging: Another technique, "fogging", involves agreeing in part with what someone says (even if it's a criticism) without committing to any action. This can defuse potential conflicts and allows for assertive behavior without confrontation.
Workable Compromise: Smith emphasizes the importance of seeking compromise where possible, but not at the expense of one’s core rights or values. A workable compromise respects the rights of all parties involved.
Difference between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: The book clearly differentiates between being assertive (standing up for one's rights in a respectful manner) and being aggressive (violating the rights of others). Assertiveness is about balance and mutual respect.
Self-Evaluation: Smith encourages self-reflection and evaluation to understand why individuals might struggle with assertiveness. Recognizing internal barriers can pave the way for personal growth and more assertive behavior.

In essence, Smith's book provides a roadmap for individuals to communicate effectively, assert their rights, recognize manipulative tactics, and handle interpersonal interactions with confidence and respect.

Title	I don't have the courage
Author	Trip_2
Upvotes	12
Comments	20
Date	August 16, 2023 3:30 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15st1pk/i_dont_have_the_courage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-dont-have-the-courage.1228700 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228700

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