men who still cohabitate with their STBXW

SwordfishBig7385 · 2023-08-25T14:13:52+00:00

its very strange, i would recommend sleeping in seperate beds, I slept in our guest room for 3 months before moving out. It is strange being around each other, and if you are filing you do not want to fall into a sex trap and have her thinking something could be salvaged. Speak to each other on a need to basis (kids, dogs, etc) and DO NOT eat meals together. Just my opinion, from my experience. After 3 months of being mute in my own house, i went back to my parents for a few months. Helped everything ten fold including emotions, her realizing it was over, and being able to hold conversations instead of living with someone who you want out of your life. If you have somewhere to go, go.

jimsmythee · 2023-08-25T16:00:54+00:00

I had to do that for over a year due to financial reasons (she refused to work), and I was waiting for her to get her DUI conviction so I could use that against her in court.

Part of it was good. I moved into the spare bedroom and locked my door each night.

Part of it was not-so-good. We took it upon ourselves to as uncaring and mean to each other as possible.

For example, she wanted a dog. I said no. After we split, she went out and got a puppy. I told her, "Don't come crying to me for anything about that f$*#*g dog."

Sure enough, it was "So cute!" when it slept all day long. And then it was up all night whining and crying. At 3am she came into my bedroom (I forgot to lock the door) and told me she was tired, she had a migraine, and needed me to deal with the dog. Well, I worked all day long as I needed to get up at 6am. I gave her a few "colorful" suggestions on what she could do with the dog or where she could put it. She didn't appreciate my candor, or my suggestions. But then I politely closed my bedroom door, and locked it.

WillyT_21 · 2023-08-25T14:38:24+00:00

I had no choice but to do this. I was stay at home dad to 10 month old when shit hit the fan. I was locked out of finances from her......restraining order filed against me.......and she eventually filed for divorce all the while carrying on an affair. It was very very hard. But for my relationship with Christ and my young son whom I vowed I would never leave did I make it. So here's what I did. I understand my situation may not be the same as others as I was dealing with a covert narcissist. I had to live with her for almost 2 years due to covid and so it was very hard but I made it.

I moved out of our room into the spare bedroom
I set up a ring cam in my office and put a lock on the door
I kept as much communication with her via text and email as possible for documentation purposes. I made it clear I would not respond to anything outside of our son and household items such as bills etc.
I avoided her at all costs

It was very hard being served divorce papers with a restraining order with my year old son in my arms. But I made it. I kept my word that I wouldn't leave him despite her and her attorney doing everything they could to get me out of the house. I'm living proof that if I can make it so can others. Not everyone could endure what I did........but I'm a bulldog when it comes to what is important to me.

phalo · 2023-08-25T21:17:29+00:00

It started out normally, we were getting along better at first and co-parenting better. Then when reviewing bills, I saw a charge for match.com. My ex started to deny it, then admitted it but said "I got it but I'm not on it". At the time we were planning on finding a cheap 1br apartment to swap weeks in so the kids could stay 100% in the marital home, but I immediately started looking for my own place and moved myself into our daughter's bedroom (she came in and slept in our bed every night anyway).

Fast forward a week or so and she left her watch laying out charging when she "went to bed" and I saw it light up with a dick pick from a guy she was chatting with from match.com. And he's one of 5-6. I saw her face in her phone constantly and grinning and typing all the time, to the point where I called her out on it and asked her not to do it in front of me. Things were tense at that point.

Then she used a 3-4 hour window during which I took her daughter out to go to a guy's house and lied about where she went. I was due to move out in 3 days, but she couldn't wait.

I HIGHLY recommend getting out somehow before shit like this happens to you. It may start out ok, but things can go sideways quickly. Being around someone you're divorcing also stalls your healing process, so the sooner you can physically separate the better IMHO.

17throwaway-scorpio · 2023-08-25T22:35:15+00:00

Right here. Been doing it for 8 months now and she'll be moving out next month.

We cook and dine separately.
We split all the bills in half. We shop for our own groceries.
We have our own separate bedrooms and bathrooms.
We rarely talk to each other unless it's important.
We don't tell each other where we're going or who we'll be with. It's none of her or my business.

That's how we keep the peace for the most part. Avoiding each other.

On the downside, she keeps bringing her new lover to the place at least once a week. So make sure you draw a boundary to certain guests. It's just common decency and respect.

If you can afford to have your own place, then do so. I'm in a vulnerable spot, so I'm willing to live with my ex for the time being.

WorriedDrumSoloist · 2023-08-25T15:01:03+00:00

She moved to the guest bedroom on the other floor of the house, as a temporary measure for a few months until she’s able to move out permanently.

For the most part, it’s been fine. We generally stay out of each other’s way.

We do have a rule that neither of us will bring any “guests” into our house.

dkdodd52 · 2023-08-25T16:47:47+00:00

Relatively new situation (started process a week ago) but we are still living together, still sharing a bed.

I filed even though I don’t want a divorce (She can’t afford it). It’s uncontested, we are doing 50/50 custody with the kids. She doesn’t want anything from me - no money, no car, nothing. She’s started a job and we’ve been managing with the kids.

I’m moving October 1st into the rental we found together and were already moving into. She’s renewing the lease at our current place.

Overall, it’s been amicable. Only two big fights - the one the night she decided she wanted a divorce and the one when I told her I didn’t want to go through with it and I wanted to tell the lawyer not to file. We had sex the other day, even, but I don’t think it’ll happen again because she knows it will mean more to me than just physical.

It’s weird at times…she talked to me about a shirt she wanted to buy me from her new job and I told her not to get me any gifts because - again - it would mean more to me to get a gift from her than it would mean to her. She was tired and stressed yesterday and we talked, I held her hand, and she fell asleep, eventually curling up next to me and putting her head on my chest. Meanwhile I’m trying to figure out how to not be in love with her.

I try to be supportive of her in her new job, give her advice on budgeting (I’ve always handled the money, she was a stay at home mom until 2 weeks ago), help her find furniture to replace what I’m taking. But at the same time I’m pissed off that she won’t consider working things out.

I don’t really know how to feel. I love her, more than anything (except for the kids) and honestly I can’t see myself not loving her. She just…doesn’t love me anymore. Too much history. Too many wounds in the past that she can’t/won’t forget or forgive. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 8. I’ve gone between sad and angry time and again.

Anyway, roundabout way to say: it’s alright. If you’re already amicable, it’s fairly easy to stay that way. If you’re not, just…be the adult.

soontobesolo · 2023-08-25T18:25:56+00:00

I did for a few months. It was uncomfortable, but we mostly avoided each other. Dined together sometimes, kept up appearances for the kid's sake. She slept elsewhere in the house.

It can be done, it kind of sucks, but do what you have to do in order to come out strong on the other side.

But the other tips are good. Install cameras (with audio) everywhere, document everything, keep it all businesslike.

probebeta · 2023-08-25T22:38:06+00:00

Still living in the same place and my main reason for this is to get her to sign the damn papers to get my 50/50 custody for the kid and bounce somewhere. Luckily the son is 4 and it seems like he still doesn't know or care what's going on.

Things got really bad a couple times. Once I had to pull out the phone and record her falsely accuse me of being abusive. I was pretty sure this would be hell, but got a bit better. We just ignore each other now.

It can seem rough if she's whoring around or just having "fun", and putting her kid's need second, maybe wasting money because she knows there's a payday coming up. But... I think in the long run, she's doing it to herself and I could care less. The more I embrace this fact the less it affects me. Life will get better soon, I hope anyway.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2023-08-27T07:51:51+00:00

Mine tried all the games to get me out, didn't succeed within 45 days of filing she moved out lol

cdawg821 · 2023-08-28T19:41:42+00:00

Very uncomfortable. She stays in the guest bedroom while we work on selling the house. I went into it thinking “we were best friends before all this shit, we can be mature and nice to one another”. The problem with that is she isn’t that person anymore. We don’t talk, don’t sit in the same room together, she is cold and distant every second that she’s in the house. After about 2 weeks I asked her to stay with her friend for a little bit. You need space to breathe and process without her being around you. Out of sight out of mind as my therapist tells me.

LMS_THEORY_ · 2023-08-29T00:07:00+00:00

I always took the peaceful approach and made myself a master of calm and stoicism. So it was very normal. We didn't do anything together except with the kiddo. Bought our own food, cleaned up after ourselves, it was like a roommate situation. Just an in house separation

At first it was a little weird but it became the new normal. I think it's a good thing because keeping it cordial keeps the peace and not hating each other makes the whole process so much better IMO. She moves out next month and we've already finalized everything. No hookups, no talk of getting back together, it's completely over, but I'm glad it played out this way and we have a kid together so we still have to talk to each other, and I wish her nothing but the best.

Title	men who still cohabitate with their STBXW
Author	These_Row6066
Upvotes	9
Comments	24
Date	August 25, 2023 1:46 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/160zs57/men_who_still_cohabitate_with_their_stbxw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/men-who-still-cohabitate-with-their-stbxw.1229714 https://theredarchive.com/post/1229714

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