Trapped

MNCPA · 2023-09-10T12:57:39+00:00

You are me 4-6 years ago. I have 3 kids, ages 9-12.

Here is some helpful advice or thoughts.

Don't compare yourself to anyone else. That only hurts yourself. Yeah, you have to work OT to survive and others don't have to. Yeah, you have limited time and others have lots of free time. This mindset only amplifies the visual differences.
You're only company is your kids on your free weekends. You may not know it now, but this is your biggest asset. Be present for your kids. That's it, it's a low bar. Kids just want a parent who is present. That's all I did while my ex did not. I never spoke ill of my ex while my ex used her parenting time casting me as a demon. I tried to be active in as many activities as my kids wanted while my ex did not. Pro-tip, wearing sunglasses while watching kid soccer games is a good way to take a nap. As a result, all 3 of my kids hate their mother and want to live 100% with me.
Take care of yourself. Treat yourself once in a while. It's okay. You need to take care of yourself, so that you can be present for your kids. Therapy helped me and I'd recommend it. Healthcare jobs usually have free therapy options, or at least where I work.
Work yourself towards a goal. You're working a lot of hours. Why? To pay child support? At the start of my divorce, I worked my normal 7-4 job plus Uber/Lyft plus virtual tax consulting. Between Jan-Apr, I averaged above 100 hours a week. The rest of the year, I averaged around 60 hours a week. I napped in empty offices during my lunch break. My goal was to work towards a house payment and save a years' worth of child support payments. I now live in a small 2 bedroom home, but it makes me satisfied. Putting a goal together helped me focus on the overall goal...to have adult children that love and appreciate you as a dad.
Read the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. In your post, you are concerned that your ex is remarried. This is not uncommon. After my divorce, I was in a similar mindset. Essentially, the Glass book helped me realize that people who get married shortly after getting divorced commonly made these plans while still married to the prior partner. Your feelings that you're experiencing right now is so common...I don't know what to say.
Lastly, and this is the most important one, think about your kids and their future. If you exit this world, then who will raise your children? Do you think your ex will paint a rosy picture of you and why they remarried shortly after the divorce? Family stats say no. Your kids are 5-10 years old. In 2-3 years, you're kids will notice and appreciate the differences in households. In less than 8 years, you may have a reduction of child support. In less than 13 years, you may never need to talk to you ex again. Then what? You will have adult kids that either will want to spend time with you or not.

Edit - Here is my observations, it may help you - https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/143v9dw/it_gets_better_just_a_few_observations/

_RustyOnion_ · 2023-09-10T07:18:38+00:00

This will pass. I would consider myself lucky in your situation. I'm 8 months in. Work constantly. I do everything necessary to support my kids. But I don't get to see them. From what I've understood from this thread is that focus on improving yourself mentally and physically. When you're at the bottom there's only one way to go. Up!

Kerry120 · 2023-09-10T08:23:39+00:00

Stay off the alcohol. If you are drinking.

captainchippsixx · 2023-09-10T14:11:25+00:00

It sounds like in what little spare time you have, you should look for a job during the day. Network, Stay positive , manifest the job. Make sure you ask for the salary you want. I thought best I could do was get what I was making. I was making 90. I asked for 100 and got it with bonus potential. I then asked for 105 because of he delay in benefits to cover cobra. And they agreed. Like I said I was resigned to thinking best I could do was stay current. The jobs are there. A lot of people are lazy and don’t want to work. People that work hard and are dependable can get the $.

I work a side hustle for about $400-1000 a month with very little effort. Helps out.

Do you get decent amount of pto?

She is a piece of shit to already be married again. What a dumbass that guy is. It will all burn down on him, or he is using her and it will still burn when he is done.

GreenUse1398 · 2023-09-10T08:56:34+00:00

"If you're going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill.

You love your kids, you want to take care of them, and that's what you're doing. You're being a man.

I remember hearing George Foreman commentating on a boxing match, and he said "A man needs a burden. If a man's got 7 kids, you watch how hard he fights".

Get a hobby. Read some good books. As someone else said, don't drink alcohol, if you're prone to. Even with your youngest child being only 5, that's still only a maximum of 13 years you have to do this. That's a lot of time, but it's not forever.

Somebody posted a very interesting video on here of a divorce attorney, and he said that divorce itself is much harder on men, but that being divorced tends to be harder on women (because, divorced woman with 3 kids? A lot of guys will say no thank you. Divorced man with 3 kids? Most women will say, wow, 3 kids, he's a good provider, he must have a strong back etc).

realvvk · 2023-09-10T08:44:05+00:00

Man, do I know exactly how you feel! Hang in there, buddy. You are in it for the long haul. Baby steps. Whatever you do, please, PLEASE put your children first! They are you first, second, third and tenth concern now. I cannot stress how important it is at this stage for you to be the best father you can be!

Everyone is different, but for me physical activity really helps with my mood. A 6 am 5k run does wonders.

Drjaydvm · 2023-09-10T15:16:01+00:00

I work nights and weekends too. My one weekend off I have my kids. I basically get one or two Friday nights a month to do stuff. I started taking classes at the y in the mornings and going to tennis clinics during the day as well. Most of the people at both are women my age. As the kids get older it gets much easier.

Omnicodex · 2023-09-10T16:23:35+00:00

I don't care if it's after work, before work, before getting your kids. Work Out. Drag your ass to the gym. The gym helped me more than alcohol, sex, or video games ever could. And the bonus? You get to look good afterwards with consistency.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2023-09-10T19:12:21+00:00

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, but don't think online forums can provide the help you need.

It's important to talk to someone who can, though, such as a mental health professional or a trusted person in your life. If you're in immediate danger or experiencing thoughts of suicide, please seek emergency help right away.

Please know that no matter what, there are people who care for you and need you, most of all, your children.

Some ideas

Start a social/workout group with your coworkers who are in the same shift to workout in the mornings before your shift. We interact with our coworkers every day and is the logical place to start.
Reconnect with an old friend or acquaintance and just speak on the phone. Most people don't reach out for fear of rejection and if you take the first step, who knows.
You mentioned no family but maybe connect with an extended relative that you haven't spoken with in a while. aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. You never know who is keen to follow up.
I know your time is precious but maybe join a class or pick up a hobby. I joined a marathon running group that meets once a week on Sunday mornings. I created a small sub-group and we meet 2 to 3 days a week just to run.

Build positivity in your life and cut the negativity. I realized very recently that my life was running on auto-pilot (family, work, social, and health) and I'm taking concrete steps to own each one of these areas. It's hard work but the rewards are worth it. You and your children will thank you 20 years from now.

Good luck and stay strong!

CakeImaginary5292 · 2023-09-10T13:57:08+00:00

If you have spiritual or religious beliefs, you can get more involved to seek internal solace.

playerknowmore · 2023-09-10T16:36:41+00:00

You don't understand the difference between men and women. Your ex is at her peak or beyond it in the dating market. Your value on the dating market is not in correlation with your age, but with your success. You have time during the week to focus on your purpose. Become an LPN or doctor, whatever reaches your peak.

Your kids will grow with the benefit of a father who wanted n more from their mother than sex. Your ex will live the rest of her life with men who only want her for sex. Dude, perspection is not reality. Numbers don't lie. All statistics on relationships are in your favor. It just takes time for reality to come into view.

the_drowners · 2023-09-10T21:18:26+00:00

I wish I somehow knew you. I'm sorry I can't help you somehow. I feel for you.

scivi92 · 2023-09-10T23:22:13+00:00

You may be able to bounce around jobs in healthcare. Lots of divorced people in that field, so may be opportunities to meet new people at new floors/hospitals etc. You're nearly working 12's so that's a lot of time opportunity to converse with people and develop friendships and relationships.

chitdik · 2023-09-11T14:54:00+00:00

Isn't child support based on your income. Maybe slow down. Also when they get married isn't it supposed to change.? Maybe contact a GOOD lawyer.

Title	Trapped
Author	Is0prene
Upvotes	33
Comments	28
Date	September 10, 2023 7:05 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16eti7f/trapped/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/trapped.1231155 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231155

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