Is this whole 'stay in your lane' ideology in dating, healthy and fair, or the opposite?

AngeCruelle · 2023-09-21T19:13:40+00:00

Date whoever you want, if you aren't comfortable with discussing your choices don't put it out there for the internet to pick apart.

People can criticize my choice to wait until marriage all they want. People can criticize the fact that I date interracially. I don't give a fuck.

BirdMedication · 2023-09-21T19:05:19+00:00

I think it’s wise to stay in your lane… as far as values. A different race, culture, preferred cooking, clothes. Those really aren’t that hard to get past. Different ideas of the role each of you play in the relationship and a difference in moral and ethical codes, not so easy.

Wattehfok · 2023-09-21T20:11:24+00:00

“Stay in your lane” is better read as “try to date people you have things in common with”.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-09-21T20:16:41+00:00

why would anyone give a shit about this. date how you want

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-09-21T23:37:08+00:00

Never heard this before? Just me?

ta06012022 · 2023-09-22T01:50:23+00:00

I've never heard anyone express this ideology.

MistyMaisel · 2023-09-21T18:56:45+00:00

Most people will marry people like them. That is not to say that they "should" or it is most "fair". It's more like axiomatically true. Why they are alike will vary, but yes, it will generally fall along the lines of age, race, ideology, etc.

The telling autistic people to date autistic people thing is a little different than that, it's more a result of autistic people and non-autistic people grinding each other's gears because they tend to interact socially and relationally in such dramatically different ways that it makes having a healthy, happy, and functional relationship extremely difficult (especially the more severe the degree of autism). It's advice given for the benefit of all involved more than some axiom. And it's typically being given because the autistic person is struggling to form or maintain relationships with the "normies".

But no, if we actually tried to force people along these lines it wouldn't necessarily make the world a better place or a more fair place. Mileage may vary depending on the type of thing. Per example, I see no real benefits in race or ideology to anyone. There's some obvious benefits to pushing for people staying close in age.

SynappyPappy · 2023-09-21T19:47:47+00:00

I don't think people need to date those who are similar to themselves. But being realistic about who you have a chance with is something that would help a lot of people in general.

pagenotfound000 · 2023-09-21T21:13:59+00:00

(hypothetically because I'm married with children)

I'm a white woman and I only like asian men.

I am diagnosed autistic and I prefer men not to be neurotypical but I also wouldn't date a man who is on disability and doesn't have a job even if I'm not employed. If he's autistic he has to be very high functioning and capable.

I'm sorry if that bothers people. I personally want a man to take care of me and make me feel safe.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-09-21T18:34:10+00:00

I disagree. I don't think people should only date people within their race/religion/whatever. It's definitely more challenging to date outside of your group, but I don't think that will stop anyone.

pop442 · 2023-09-21T21:27:35+00:00

People should date whoever they're willing and able to date.

Mostly pedos are off limits.

Epiphanic_Eros · 2023-09-21T19:10:56+00:00

Forget all these rules.

Just talk to people like they're human beings, ideally about things of mutual interest. If there's chemistry, go for a date and see if you can build that further. If not, make a friend or be on your way.

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MarBitt · 2023-09-21T18:50:22+00:00

It depends on what criteria you use and how big is the group of people that will be created using these criteria.

For example, if someone has a high IQ, niche interests and values, or a less common kink, he may have much more in common with someone ten years older or from different upbringings.

It may not be easy to see what deeply connects two people who appear very different from the outside.

2023-09-21T19:26:44+00:00

People are told all the time to say in their lane, there’s reason we have phrases like “___ is out of your league.” Also, most people already to stick with those they can either relate or share similarities with in race, class, and age.

Safinated · 2023-09-21T19:49:20+00:00

It’s easier, which is why people do it

justforlulz12345 · 2023-09-21T21:45:25+00:00

Doesn’t work because of hypergamy

You don’t date in your lane, you date below it

Wolvengirla88 · 2023-09-21T21:49:37+00:00

People should seek out others who share our values system. We convince ourselves that finding folks who share our identities means we will find people who also have the same values system. Very often, we’re totally wrong. One person’s Christianity means be kind to strangers and the downtrodden. Another person’s Christianity means hate gay people. You have to get to know someone and trust your own instincts in other to figure out who your people are.

toasterchild · 2023-09-21T22:05:18+00:00

It's not about fairness or healthiness, it's just something people tend to throw out as an idea for someone who's been trying for a long time to break out of their lane and is clearly hurting because they haven't figured out how to. Like most advice its just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, there is no one answer for everyone. Try a bunch of shit and see if anything works.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-09-21T22:06:40+00:00

Date who you want

But keep in mind compatibility and values. In general you'll probably find someone more compatible or have the same values if they're coming in from the same background.

It's perfectly fine to find someone who has the same values as you coming from a complete opposite background

AidsVictim · 2023-09-21T22:15:58+00:00

It generally gives better outcomes to date someone from the same background as you, especially if you're considering marriage. Many people however do not think or care about that and have no problem dating someone radically different from their own background. Few people, especially younger people, actually "stay in their lane"

So I wonder if staying in your lane creates more balance in the dating world, or does it disrupt it even more therefore? I think it disrupts it more, and that it's too challenging to stay in your own group, but what do you think?

Why would it "disrupt" things more? Generally a divergence in background/values makes breakups and divorce more likely.

Illustrious-Slice767 · 2023-09-21T22:28:39+00:00

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think men wouldn't care at all about dating or marrying a woman who has their same "imperfections", but I don't think women would like to date or marry a man with their same "imperfections." That is, a shy woman doesn't want to date/marry a shy man. An unfunny woman doesn't want to date/marry an unfunny man. A short woman doesn't want to date/marry a short man. A poor woman doesn't want to date/marry a short man.

wtknight · 2023-09-21T22:52:10+00:00

There's nothing wrong with trying to date outside one's lane. People just need to realize that they might end up disappointed, tough, and that they shouldn't take it out on others if they do get disappointed.

NJFlowerchild · 2023-09-21T23:18:06+00:00

How does the concept of fair apply to dating?

SlowEffective8146 · 2023-09-21T23:19:31+00:00

Staying in your lane is just men's advice to women so they stop getting pump and dumped

ImpossibleSquish · 2023-09-22T02:12:55+00:00

Wait are there actually people telling others, of other races, that they should date within their race? Cos that's fucked up

obviousredflag · 2023-09-22T11:07:56+00:00

Stay in your lane is meant regarding your overall mate value on the dating market, not specific traits like autism, race, hair length, body size or anything like that. And it's not meant as a restrictive law but as a helpful advice to increase the chances to find a romantic partner who wants to commit to you .

Dating is not tough and pickings aren't slim if you stay in your lane. Dating is only hard when you want more than you are worth.

2023-09-22T17:05:00+00:00

Hmm. The "date within your race" ideology seems to be dissipating quickly, thankfully. I (M47, white) was raised in a large diverse city in Texas. I was raised by a pretty racist mother. If I had come home with a black girl, there would have been hell to pay. It wasn't like "you can only date white girls", my mother was fine with the hispanic and Asian girl I dated. Mom loved the Asian girl, especially that she was a top student. The hispanic girl I dated came from an affluent family that had been in Texas for generations, I don't think her mom or her dad, a dentist, even spoke spanish, so my mom saw her as practically "one of us", on the other hand she didn't like the white girl from "the wrong side of the tracks", so to speak that I dated for a while, so there was certainly an element of classism to it, but when it came to black people, it was different, it wouldn't have mattered if a brought home a black girl whose parents were both doctors and who was a Rhodes scholar, my mom would have had a problem with it. My mom was raised in the South in the 50s, and there was such a deep history and entrenched "otherness" to how white Southerners of that generation and before saw black people, that wasn't there with other races/ethnicities.

It's hard to be raised by someone like that and not internalize that racism, and I must admit, I did, to the point that it didn't end up being a problem for me to bring home a black girl because I didn't find them attractive for a long time. I remember in high school the first black girl I thought was cute, and I rationalized other reasons for not asking her out.

It wasn't like there was total social segregation, I had black friends in high school, black fraternity brothers in college. But it was weird, with hispanic or Asian friends, if they had a standard American accent, I barely even thought about them not being white. But with black people, no matter if they talked and dressed like Carlton from (the original) Fresh Prince of Bel-air, as much as I liked and respected them, there was always an awareness in the back of my mind that they were black, that was different. I can only ascribe that to the historic baggage of slavery, how it made black people such an Other in American society in a way that no other race ever was, and those attitudes being imprinted on generations of white Americans, especially in the South, like my mother did to me, and her parents had done to her, and so on.

Fortunately along with a lot of other introspection about how I wanted to be different from my parents, make different choices and choose my own values, I was able to mostly overcome this inherited prejudice, I lost my block about being able to find black women attractive, and I'm not just talking about finding light skinned women like Hallie Berry attractive, but like Lupita Nyongo, Janel Mone, etc. I dated a black girl in my 20s. But ultimately, it was a matter of statistical probability that I ended up marrying a white woman. I just met more white women than I did women of other races, even though my social circle included people of other races, and there is also some social self-segregation that happened within a lot of black and hispanic social circles in my city even in the early 00's.

When I was out with a group of white or mostly white guy friends, it was easy for use to approach a white or mostly white group of girls and fall into easy conversation and flirting and individual connections happening. But dynamics with groups of black girls, or hispanic girls, they were different.

When we engaged with a group of black girls, there was often friendly banter, joking around, but it did feel like there was an unspoken barrier from their side, that we could be good for fun conversation, like they weren't going to seriously consider us white boys as guys they'd be interested in. I did notice that the black girls in homogenously black groups tended to dress and speak differently (more AAVE) from black girls in a more mixed group, so maybe from a different background, maybe there were cultural differences, signals from them that they were interested that we were missing or misinterpreting (hell, I had enough trouble picking up these signals from white girls at the time), and/or signals they expected from a man to show he's interested that we didn't know we were supposed to show. Or maybe, since a lot of white people have trouble judging black peoples' ages, these women were older than we thought they were, and they only saw us as harmless young white boys to joke around with at a bar. There is also the possibility that they were black people who just weren't interested in white people, just like there are white people who aren't interested in dating black people.

The groups of hispanic girls we encountered were different still, there seemed to be a lack of interest in any kind of interaction with us, a coolness, brushoff. Language wasn't a barrier, they were all speaking unaccented English with each other. I almost wonder if the interactions with the black women were friendlier because they assumed we weren't really interested because of the whole Southern black-white "miscegenation" historical baggage, but without a similar taboo for white-hispanic interaction, they thought we might be interested and wanted to be clear with us they had no interest in white boys.

2023-09-22T17:37:29+00:00

Since my thoughts relating to race ended up being a whole book, I figured I'd break out my response to the other issues in a separate post.

Age is pretty easy to address. If you're a person of childbearing age who wants to have kids, you're going to be focused on finding someone not too much older than you in the hopes of getting with someone who is still able to have children, and isn't going to be ready for the nursing home soon after you've finally gotten all the kids out of college. Plus in general, someone you share the same generational experiences and touchstones, who's at the same maturity level as you, is someone you're likely to have more in common with and have a harmonious relationship with.

When it comes to neurotypical and autistic people dating, I did briefly date a girl with high functioning autism (called Asperger's at the time). There is something kind of endearing about a pretty girl who is somewhat socially awkward, and at first we connected because fish were her special interest, keeping aquarium fish mostly, but also scuba diving with them, and I happen to also be into fishkeeping and also like to scuba dive. But even I like to talk about things other than fish, and with her, conversations just came back to fish a little too frequently. There were also issues with her misinterpreting my meaning and intent a lot, and it also felt like discussions about our feelings, not just about our relationship, but in general, were usually pretty surface-level. We'd talk about interpersonal problems she had at work, I tried to listen more than I made observations or suggestions, but it never went past her talking about feeling slighted, without any insight beyond that. And if I talked about things that happened to me, she didn't seem all that engaged or empathetic. So as much as some people might believe it's shallow or discriminatory for a neurotypical person not want to be with a person with autism, I'm sorry/not sorry, but your relationship with a partner isn't supposed to be like adopting a special needs pet or child because you're a giving person, most relationships need reciprocal intimacy, empathy, compassion, humor in order to be successful. It doesn't matter if someone can't give you the full range of what you need of those things because of a neurological disorder, or simply because of a personality deficit, they're not the right person for you.

Title	Is this whole 'stay in your lane' ideology in dating, healthy and fair, or the opposite?
Author	harmonica2
Upvotes	2
Comments	47
Date	September 21, 2023 6:32 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/16oneve/is_this_whole_stay_in_your_lane_ideology_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-this-whole-stay-in-your-lane-ideology-in-dating.1232556 https://theredarchive.com/post/1232556

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