The Empowered Wife-Question

Hang_your_halo · 2024-01-20T22:08:24+00:00

Not about apologies exactly, but maybe you could try practicing a pause before any and all response, that way you have time to think if it’s respectful or not.

And this works with everyone, so you don’t have to worry about remembering with him. It will just be a habit. I’ve heard that pausing before responding makes people feel you care about them bc you are taking time to regard what they asked you and putting in effort to form your answer. I feel like it could even work with kids too bc they will feel like you are taking them seriously. 🤷🏼‍♀️

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-01-21T00:06:56+00:00

Wow, first off, I have got to say I applaud you for getting so close to the brink and then being able to reconsider. Realizing you've been creating problems is a devastating ego blow that a lot of people can't take gracefully, but you have, and you're putting serious and genuine effort into building a new life for your own sake, your husband's sake, and your innocent child's sake. I'm impressed. Please keep coming back here when you need help; we're all thrilled to support you in this.

In this particular incidence, it's appropriate to correct yourself in front of the kid. It's not just about your relationship with your husband, but the impact you have on anyone who witnesses your interaction. "Oops, that was mean of me. When Daddy says something we listen, all right? Let's go take the toy inside."

For other incidents... anecdotally, men are far less worried about hearing an apology than seeing an apology. Changed behavior, and especially immediate self-correction if you were as clear-minded immediately afterwards as you were in this case, speaks much louder than words.

Keep it up. It may take a long time for you to rewrite your old habits of speech, mental self-talk, and the way you frame thinking about your day-to-day. It may take even longer for your husband to trust the change. But it's absolutely going to be work it.

Fae_Leaf · 2024-01-21T01:39:01+00:00

Your post almost brought tears to my eyes! I don't have too much advice because I'm actually going through my own journey of still refining myself and having to check my controlling habits. I've improved a lot, and my relationship has always been thriving, but it can be tough when you've always been kind of a controlling and dominant kind of woman.

I just want you to know that I'm cheering you on! I've read quite a few stories about marriages that have been really, really bad for several years that were able to recover and become extremely fulfilling once the woman adopted a lot of RP/Laura methods. I can also tell you that despite my own relationship never being in any sort of danger, I saw really dramatic yet subtle (if you can imagine) changes in my husband and the overall feel of our relationship when I started to just submit more with things and let my husband take the role as the leader of our relationship. It was a little clunky at first--my husband was used to deferring to me about basically everything--but less than a year later, he's pretty confident in being the "head" of the household and voice of most things.

Just stay strong, and remember: one day at a time! You can't fix these things nor change yourself overnight. It'll be gradual, but hopefully you'll see slight improvements that can keep encouraging you.

jaydeke · 2024-01-20T21:22:17+00:00

“Sorry, I hope that didn’t come across like I was trying to undermine you. I really appreciate the way you are with our son.”

It doesn’t need to be a big deal, just acknowledge it and move on. It gets easier with practice.

Ok_Statement1451 · 2024-01-21T04:22:37+00:00

Good for you for recognizing that there's room for improvement on your end

saddensgirl · 2024-01-21T06:27:17+00:00

As soon as you realize you disrespected him, apologize. In the meantime I would allow him the space and time to get comfortable in his masculine energy again leading your household. Just be patient and supportive as he learns to lead.

beemovienumber1fan · 2024-01-21T15:10:51+00:00

When I started implementing LD's advice, I apologized any time I caught myself being disrespectful. In the example you gave, I'd probably say something like "this might sound silly or small to you, but I feel it was disrespectful for me to step in earlier about our child bringing a toy in the car. You had already told him what you wanted, and I went against that. Next time, I want to honor your parenting in the moment. Will you forgive me?"

Yes, I would say it pretty much just like that. To break it down, first I would acknowledge that it might not seem like a big deal to him, but that I still think it's imperative that I apologize for it. Then I tell him what I did that was disrespectful (in other words, what I did that doesn't align with how I want to treat my husband). Then, I tell him why I believe it was disrespectful (showing him what I recognize as a trespass against him, even if it's not out of malice). Then, I tell him how I want to act the next time a similar moment comes up. Finally, I ask for his forgiveness.

I surprised my husband many times in my self-improvement, and he now fully understands that I respect even the smallest things about who he is. Now, we both have a regular habit of repairing our relationship even over the small things. It's actually one of my favorite things now.

Eta: don't forget to also say "I'm sorry" in your apology. Lol I got ahead of myself a bit in typing it.

cohost3 · 2024-01-21T20:13:51+00:00

Read fascinating womanhood. It has a chapter on how to apologize for this behaviour.

SummerEfficient6559 · 2024-01-21T21:28:44+00:00

I think with small inconsequential things such as toys, it's good to remind yourself that you can trust his judgment and tell him that from time to time. He'll be happy to hear that from you. But definitely pause before speaking. It's these habits that chip away at a marriage that in the grand scheme of things, don't matter. You've decided that having the last word on everything matters, more than your husband feeling respected and trusted.

rosebyanyothername1 · 2024-01-22T01:58:37+00:00

In my experience it never hurts to apologize to my man about being disrespectful.
anytime I catch myself I try to quickly say "sorry for saying that with a tone of voice" or "oops I'm sorry was too harsh there." I don't like to let it stand without correcting it! he's never complained!

I also try to spend some time on my own thinking about "how am I being not respectful enough lately" and try to evaluate myself. respect is such a major thing men need, like we need love, and it's worth prioritizing.

SunRose42 · 2024-01-21T19:04:06+00:00

So, I had a similar issue with an ex and this is one we actually managed to fix (we broke up for other reasons, in the end). A huge part of it was just making him aware of what was happening, and pointing out kindly and non-judgmentally that he always just went along with what I said. At first he was a little confused, but after I went through a few examples he acknowledged the issue and it prompted a lot of discussion and self-reflection for us both.

We realized that it was really two problems. First was that he naturally had a hard time standing up for himself against someone he really loved and respected. And second was that I made this way harder than it needed to be for him.

Recognizing that he needed to be a better advocate for himself, and that I needed to be a better listener, helped us immensely. He was suddenly able to call me out on the occasions I slipped up, and I was able to gently reassure him (when I sensed hesitancy or submissiveness) that I loved and respected him no matter what, and I’d listen carefully and respect whatever he had to say.

Absolutely transformed our dynamic. Seeing it as a “two person” issue helped him recognize where I was going wrong without making him feel humiliated, robbed of agency, or like he had to villainize me.

Live_Replacement_659 · 2024-01-22T01:06:23+00:00

Excuse me, what is the name of the book?

Bright_Morning_6134 · 2024-01-24T18:54:11+00:00

I think for something like this, you can take the time to tell him about this journey that you are on and to let him know that you see these things, apologize for them, and tell him that you’re trying not to do them anymore. It’s a great opportunity to be vulnerable with him.

DrippingStar1 · 2025-10-23T03:40:19+00:00

I know this was two years ago but I’m wondering if you were able to implement the intimacy skills and where your marriage is at now?

t0xicsaurus_ · 2024-01-21T23:07:30+00:00

I don't know you personally, but maybe blaming your man for everything is an indication that you don't look within.

AutoModerator · 2024-01-20T21:09:51+00:00

Title: The Empowered Wife-Question

Author 4_neenondy

Full text: My husband and I went through a very serious separation and divorce filing last year. I initiated it. The night before we were to turn in the final decree, I got cold feet. We have 3 kids. And I thought, if only for them, I should try again.

I’ve been researching and asking around about how to get out of this hole my husband and I are in. I’m already in a community of like minded women, so Laura’s book was recommended to me.

I’ve started reading it and implementing The Skills. For years I blamed my husband for everything, just like Laura says. I held so much resentment towards him for not being what I needed him to be. But wow… I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I have done every single thing Laura has outlined in this book.

My husband hasn’t ever gotten angry with me or even fought with me. But I feel like I’ve made him extremely submissive. Not on purpose, he just does whatever I ask whenever I ask without any input from himself. I didn’t realize I was being so controlling. He didn’t even fight me when I filed for divorce.

So now I’m letting it all go. Letting go of all my control. Today is my first day, and I feel a lot of relief. Relief that my marriage is going to improve and also relief that my husband is not the issue. I know it’s me now and I know that I can change myself.

My biggest question is-How do I apologize when I’ve been disrespectful, for small things. This sounds so stupid. I can apologize when I’ve been outwardly disrespectful, like raising my voice or being a jerk. But I feel like he’d think it’s dumb for apologizing for minute things because I’ve made him so submissive to me.

For example, today he told our son (2yo) not to bring a toy in the car and I said I think it’s fine. As soon as the words left my mouth I realized I had disrespected his authority as a father. He didn’t even care, he just said “okay” and off we went.

How should I have apologized for that? I’m scared he’s going to look at me like I have 3 heads because he doesn’t even question me anymore. And I know the point is to be vulnerable. But it’s scary. Help me!

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MetaLord93 · 2024-01-24T17:10:04+00:00

The best apology is a genuine effort to try to change. If he brushes off verbal apologies then just do it with your actions.

The more important thing than the apology here is to shake him out of his apathy. Clearly he's withdrawn himself and given up fighting you since the only alternative for a man in a relationship with someone who won't listen is to start yelling and being violent, which clearly he doesn't want to do.

He needs to ask himself what does HE want? Most men need to learn from women and come up with a list of (reasonable) non-negotiables and hold their spouses to that standard. Once you demonstrate willingness to listen it should prompt him to start being assertive again, making the relationship more balanced for the both of you.

Long_Nothing_8619 · 2024-01-25T12:49:20+00:00

May I ask which Laura Doyle book you’re referring to?

Title	The Empowered Wife-Question
Author	4_neenondy
Upvotes	46
Comments	54
Date	January 20, 2024 9:09 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/19blznk/the_empowered_wifequestion/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/the-empowered-wife-question.1243429 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243429

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