"You try too hard to 1. get people to like you 2. be funny." I need to fix this, and I want your help.

1independentmale · 2012-03-07T18:17:02+00:00

I'll bet you're a people pleaser. You desperately need the approval of others and you actively seek it. How often do you find yourself up in your head, analyzing what others are thinking and attempting to change your behavior to compensate?

Here's why this doesn't work: Your analysis of what they want from you is wrong. You are compensating for feelings in your own head, feelings that aren't necessarily in theirs, so you appear very awkward and unsure of yourself. Further, you aren't genuine. You're obviously pandering to the people around you and they see it. You're a very needy person; you don't give value, you take it from others.

You've spent so much of your life seeking validation from others that you barely know who you are anymore.

The good news is you can absolutely change this. I know because I was once you. Some steps that helped me:

Build your self esteem. Make a list of things that are great about you. The list can NOT include anything involving others. "I make people laugh" is not a valid entry. Your list will be shorter than you think and that speaks to the core of your self esteem issues. That's ok - you can add to this list any time and you will. Now, read this list to yourself two or three times a day. You'll feel silly, do it anyway. Go somewhere private and read the entire list out loud to yourself. You're going to be doing this for several months. Don't skip it, it is important.
Understand that people do not want your help or advice. Stop giving it unless asked. It's hard to break away from this habit, but here's the deal: If something is important enough to someone, they will do it on their own. If it's not important enough for them to get off their ass and make it happen, why the hell should it be important enough for you? Stop this. Let people sink or swim on their own unless they specifically ask you for help.

See, you've been doing things for people and offering advice because it makes you feel better. You think you're doing them favors and you're such a nice guy, but you aren't. You're selfish. You don't do it for them, you do it for you, for how it makes you feel. You're forcing your "help" on others to feel good about yourself. You need to learn to get what you need emotionally from within, not from others.

Learn to say no. You say yes too often. If you don't want to do something, say so. It's ok to disappoint people. In fact, it's healthy. Stand your ground, respectfully and politely, and people will respect you.
Spend a lot of time focusing inwardly. You need to find yourself. Figure out who you really are. You've been who everyone else wants you to be for far too long. It's time to be you.

I hope this wasn't too harsh and I hope it helps you.

PyouA · 2012-03-07T14:56:05+00:00

"Trying too hard" means that you are relying on/seeking their approval too much, nothing else. You could try way harder than you do now, but if it seems like you are doing it because that's what you want to do rather than because that's what you think I want you to do - I wouldn't think anything of it.

I'm pretty into stand up, and every time I go to an open mic (amateur hour) or something I always see people that feel like they are begging for laughs. Even if their material is really good, the second I get this feeling from them it isn't funny anymore. If you ever watch someone who is good - they don't feel like they are trying to make you laugh. They are being themselves.

SoHiSoFly · 2012-03-07T16:43:51+00:00

If you feel that you are NOT the person YOU want yourself to be, guess how much this feeling is amplified to a girl or other people you interact with. I was in the same position not too long ago myself, until my gf dumped me which made me think. Now, more than a year later I'm much happier and balanced when i ever was. I'll tell you what worked for me, and you may be able to translate the same into you life.

Make a bucket list, of things that you want to do, and start doing them. It will lead you to explore your city (scouting for interesting date spots)
Find 3 hobbies and learn everything about them there is to know
Read at least one book, one magazine and one newspaper a month (the more the better)
Sign up for gym, DO IT!
Update wardrobe (no more baggy cloth from the pile in the corner)
Find YOUR hair- and facial hairstyle
Experiment with music (listen to EVERYTHING, ie classic to heavy metal), and read up on the bands you like
uninstall ALL games from your computer, and when you have urge to play just get out on the street for a jog or grab a coffee alone or with a friend.

All of the above steps were taken by me, however one HUGE thing that I have omitted on purpose, and without it the value of the above is substantially diminished. DISCIPLINE YOURSELF. When you made a plan, never bail on it. If you decided to hit on a girl, approach her. If you said that you will jump with a parachute, do not back out, even if height-fright is the only thing that makes your knees collapse.

I truly wish you all the best, it will be a long, but very rewarding journey.

PM me if you want to know anything else

texture · 2012-03-07T15:12:49+00:00

Stop looking to other people for validation. Stop giving a shit what they think about you, don't seek their approval. Tell jokes because you think they're funny, disregard others. If they think it's funny great, if not whatever.

People judge you when you seek their approval because you place yourself underneath them.

breadrising · 2012-03-07T16:14:16+00:00

Well, its a good thing you're now seld-aware of it, as you can now be on the lookout to stop yourself if you feel you're getting too intense.

And being too intense is most likely your problem. I have a few friends who I absolutely love, but they are very much "small doses" sort of people; I like to be around them every now and again, but too much too often is just exhausting.

I guess I'll try and give generic advice, but its really up to you to work it into your social interactions:

Don't be the one begging for attention. If you're constantly making jokes, constantly being the loudest, most present person there, you may get a few people who like that sort of thing at first but overall everyone will get sick of it. It becomes very transparent when someone is trying really hard to be funny/outgoing and it often ends up looking silly. Next time everyone is out, try just sitting back and listening to all the banter. Sip on your drink, laugh along with other people's jokes, and only add in something every now and again.
This goes along with the previous point, but try to look like you're thoroughly having a good time without being the one who needs to be talking/cracking jokes/being wacky. Just simply be along for the ride. Fact is, everyone is entertained by a dancing monkey; usually the guy who acts the most ridiculous/funny gets a lot of the attention, but eventually people get bored of it and rarely want to continue interacting with that person.
I'm going to say "just be yourself" but that doesn't mean continue acting exactly the same. You are allowed to fully be yourself, but its very important to be able to acknowledge when you need to cencorship or when is an opportune moment to add something.

I know this all sounds generic, but since you're already aware of the problem the rest is up to you. Overall, just tune down your personality down to an 6 or 7, instead of being turned to 11 all night long.

2012-03-07T19:15:14+00:00

Stop listening to people, most people can't see beyond their own nose enough to put your world into correct context.

atypicaltool · 2012-03-07T19:25:28+00:00

I know someone exactly like this!! Jesus you could be him for all I know. But we always thought je drained our energy. He would pull us into every conversation that we would not want to be in and suck us dry someo how where you're gasping for air. It was weird.

There was one more guy this made me realize when I was traveling abroad. He was from DC and he sucked ass by trying way to hard. Anyways if someone asked me what moose were like he would jump in and talk about deer. NO ONE ASKED YOU ABOUT DEER!! Fuck this is a partial vent for me

AnarchPatriarch · 2012-03-07T19:34:26+00:00

I know a guy who I imagine is an awful lot like you are. One of the nicest guys I've ever met, but the way he carries himself and the way he laughs after every fucking thing he says makes me want to punch him in the face. Shot in the dark, but I get the feeling you do this often--laughing out loud after almost everything you say. Be confident in what you say and the way you carry yourself. People don't need a laugh track to know whether or not something you say is funny.

2012-03-07T20:00:08+00:00

I'd just like to say that's a pretty bitchy thing for her to say if you were just casually asking what you should put on an online profile. Really though, who the hell uses that question as an opportunity to point out your flaws?

Paramorgue · 2012-03-07T20:08:19+00:00

I have friends with the same problem. They are too pushy, to dependent on other people. I always tell them they need to chill. If any of you sedditors could write a guide on how to chill and relax. Just to get into that state of mind would be gold but unfortunently I don't have any good ideas on how to explain it to others.

spreaddozer · 2012-03-07T20:11:59+00:00

Find yourself a purpose and a passion, and focus more on what you want instead of what you think you should want. those things are found way more attractive by both friends and by women you are pursuing. Also, try balancing the scales in your relationships-- force people to discover you by sometimes being neutral and making them be outgoing, instead of spoon feeding them everything about you. Then, you give them a chance to be curious about who you are, and work to get you to satisfy their curiosity, and you can reward them little by little with everything positive that you bring to the table. most people bring a lot more to the table than they think.

Also, don't be afraid of someone not being pleased by what you say or do if it's what YOU WANT to say or do. EXPECT to be able to be who you want to be around the people you care about. That alone will impress them more than anything, especially more than taking the attitude of trying to please everyone. and don't be afraid of making people uncomfortable. Discomfort is change, and change is what you need.

TL;DR: grow a pair and be yourself even if it's not the most "comfortable" thing to do, and make other people try and impress you for a change

If this is too confusing feel free to PM me

quickie_ss · 2012-03-07T20:19:23+00:00

Be confident in everything you do. Even if people disagree with you. Maintaining integrity is important. People are weak, if you radiate confidence, people will follow you. Voice your opinion, but be ready to back it up. Never bow to someone because you want to impress them.

2012-03-07T20:33:10+00:00

Lots of good advice here, so much that it can be a little overwhelming. My recommendation is you find one people-pleasing behavior you have and see if you can eliminate it.

Example: I have a tendency to validate everything other people say with verbal agreement or exaggerated facial expressions (i.e. a frown if s/he is telling you about something bad that happened or say "that is awesome" to something that's only mediocre).

I've worked to eliminate this and have mostly been successful. The time I used to spend pleasing the person is now spent really listening to what they say and asking myself what I really think about it.

Also, I've become much more expert in observing this kind of thing in other people. It's really fascinating to think about what drives other people's behavior.

[Edit: typo]

Ragas · 2012-03-07T22:43:11+00:00

Try a 30-day not being funny challenge. See how you feel after 30 days of not trying to be funny. You might find out you're actually really funny even when you're not trying.

2012-03-07T21:29:58+00:00

INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER.

Helmet_Icicle · 2012-03-07T18:42:31+00:00

Your primary objective is always to enjoy yourself. That's the most important thing.

ThrowawayPUA · 2012-03-07T20:50:49+00:00

It sounds like you're suffering from "Dancing Monkey Syndrome. You focus on trying to attract attention, you get it and then don't move on.

You don't have to be more entertaining than everyone in the room. You just have to be more entertaining than average.

Ragas · 2012-03-07T21:39:31+00:00

Improve yourself to the point that people come to you. Also, give serious thought as what kind of person you do NOT want to be friends with, so you can spend time in other people's shoes, learning what it means to be selective.
When you pursue others for friendship or more, be clear in your motives.
Don't EVER be defensive. If someone classifies you in some way, negative or otherwise, own it or laugh it off.
If you are over 18, don't listen to your parents about friendship. You can listen to your Dad about how to be a man, or listen to either parent when it comes to managing money or morals or whatever else, but the whole point of friendship is to connect with peers, and your parents are family, not peers.

Ragas · 2012-03-07T23:12:24+00:00

It may be really that: You are trying too hard. Don't try to be funny no matter what it costs. I also have freinds who seem to keep conversations going no matter what. And then They are biting of your ears and they start to bore you to hell. Just because the don't know when to shut up.

On the other hand, sometimes it's ok to be a little annoying. My freind were sometimes really annoyed, because I was always trying to convince them to go out. Now I've moved ... and hah see how happy they are if I'm there to visit and they have somebody who surely will go out with them. :)

lostNcontent · 2012-03-08T10:23:01+00:00

Here's an interesting article about covert narcissism.

I'm sorry and you're welcome.

2012-03-07T22:00:09+00:00

So many good advice here before you can actually hit on girls. People should upvote this post.

TheGameGenie · 2012-03-07T22:32:04+00:00

I would keep in mind but not take it to heart. I studied abroad when I was newer to game and I think I gave that impression to more people than I would now.

Keep calibrating until you've got the desired result.

triobot · 2012-03-07T22:53:55+00:00

Go to more clubs and societies. Be more social clubs, that's the only way to be more socially aware and learn to be sociable.

fluidkarma · 2012-03-09T15:00:03+00:00

You probably come off as needy. You're already outgoing, just work on you inner game now.

2012-03-07T18:47:32+00:00

i would say her comment was a shit test, and you failed. if you genuinely did not try too hard, you would laugh it off and carry on.

Ragas · 2012-03-07T20:58:04+00:00

[permanently deleted]

one__________ · 2012-03-07T22:03:17+00:00

weed

Title	"You try too hard to 1. get people to like you 2. be funny." I need to fix this, and I want your help.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	77
Comments	60
Date	March 7, 2012 2:31 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/qlqv2/you_try_too_hard_to_1_get_people_to_like_you_2_be/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/you-try-too-hard-to-1-get-people-to-like-you-2-be.1329503 https://theredarchive.com/post/1329503

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