Men’s therapy

Beginning-Coconut-78 · 2024-03-26T19:31:12+00:00

My therapist can't solve the societal problems that prevent me from wanting to live. Every day that passes I wonder if I'm the one that really needs the therapy...

managedheap84 · 2024-03-26T21:06:31+00:00

(Unintentionally wrote a book here. TLDR at the bottom)

My first experience was with an NHS therapist that I had to wait over a year to see. At my intake meeting the guy savagely laid into me infront of a room full of students in a kind of bear-baiting way. I nearly didn’t make it to the next session. I only ticked the box to say I was okay with the students being there because I thought it would shorten the waiting time after somehow surviving the year on the waiting list.

I grew up with parental narcissistic abuse and basically thought the worst of myself at this point in my life (“am I like my parents”) and I guess I thought I deserved it. The main reason I thought this turned out to be that I was barely functioning because of undiagnosed ADHD- and all the trauma that had came along with that and my childhood but I wouldn’t find that out until fifteen years later. I just thought there’s something wrong with my processing, I’m the disregulated one and there’s clearly something wrong with me as a person- like my parents kept on telling me. Why can’t I fit into this fucked up system and just be okay like everybody else. Fix me please. I was probably in the most vulnerable position I’ve ever been in my life.

I was told that most of my relationships were probably with disordered people(!) which pretty much led to me becoming suspicious of the only support I did have back then including my partner of several years and best friend. In fairness they suffered similar abuse and I had noticed some traits but this effectively isolated me and solidified in my mind that we were all “disordered” in some way rather than just traumatised or in my case needing stimulants in order to be able to really be in the here and now and regulate myself.

After the NHS sessions ran out he convinced me that I needed to see him at least three to four times a week privately. I knew after a few years the therapy wasn’t working but when I asked for suggestions for other modalities because I didn’t have the experience to figure out what I needed he laughed in my face. At some point he told me I should never have children (!) which made my partner flip her shit. Constantly berated my political beliefs.

I got so fed up that I eventually refused to lay on that stupid couch interacting with a brick wall several times a week, told him I wasn’t having it any more, that the things he said were fucked up and he came back at me with “well done for sticking up for yourself”. You what mate. So the last four years were some kind of lesson? You were abusing me for my own good? I should have complained. I should have raised the fucking roof. Now I absolutely would but it wasn’t really in my nature, didn’t really have the capacity and I still kind of believed there was something wrong with me. Besides who would listen right. Clearly there was something wrong with me.

The guy basically ruined the relationships I did have, reduced the confidence I had to dirt and charged me near on a grand a month for the privilege. I spent the next seven years trying to undo the damage he did to the only relationship that really meant anything to me. I wish I could say the next therapist was much better.

TLDR; went to therapy after internalising messages of being a “wrong un” given to me by my parents only to be typecast as disordered and have my agency basically ignored and my condition worsened. Strongly feel like that guy had some narcissistic issues of his own, was retraumatised in the therapy that was supposed to be helping me - and at the very least he did not have the experience to treat me but was still willing to take large amounts of my money while not listening to my complaints.

Would not recommend analytic psychotherapy to my worst enemy quite frankly.

leroy2007 · 2024-03-26T22:36:32+00:00

A lot of therapists I’ve seen used a technique called “active listening”. It’s where they just sit there and stare blankly at you instead of responding to what you’re saying. I guess the idea is that the awkwardness of the silence will make the client keep talking and then they’ll spill what’s really bothering them.

I despise this shit. It’s insulting and lazy. I’ve gotten results by advocating for myself though. The first thing I said to my last therapist was “It’s important for you to know that active listening therapy doesn’t work for me. What I need out of therapy is feedback and encouragement from a neutral party”. And it worked. You HAVE to advocate for yourself when it comes to mental healthcare. If you don’t, you’ll get pigeonholed and waste your time and money

-PowerGenerator · 2024-03-26T20:34:51+00:00

Feminists know that solving women’s issues is a societal scale thing but they ignore that for men and believe men’s issues are a personal thing that must be solved by themselves instead of with collective action. Whenever male SA or harm cases happen etc. instead of seeing it as a societal byproduct such as seeing men as disposable or misandristic viewpoints they see it as just a rare one off. Etc.

Should I make a post about this?

eli_ashe · 2024-03-27T00:54:45+00:00

When I spoke to a therapist they seemed fine. They validated my experiences when few others would, and had me do a lot of talking. Eventually the talking bout the stuffs became more trouble than it was worth, like reliving things rather than relief from it. But for a while it was good to have someone who at least mostly took what I was saying as true, rather than most other folks whom it was a fight to even get them to accept the basic reality of what I was talking bout.

I found among the good things there was that there wasn't a whole lot of advice given as to what I ought do, or how I might approach others, which is something I've had and heard of bad experiences with regarding therapy from others. In other words, folks in your life coming at you with 'my therapist says that you're the problem' kinda shite.

JJnanajuana · 2024-03-26T22:21:55+00:00

for the men who did get help and found that it actually helped you, what did they do right?

I'll relay an experience a friend of mine had. I dont have spescifics, because its not me so I dont know them, and I dont want to dox them anyway. But

They work in an industry where traumatic workplace incidents happen a fair bit and they have a in house therapist for it. Incident happened, they were struggling, they had 2 sessions, the first gave some coping tips, seccond one checked that the tips were working and changed their leave to be covered as a workplace injury.

I'm guessing it helped a lot that it wasn't for long term depression or feeling suicidal but for a spescific incident, and that the therapist had lots of experience working with men experiencing exactly that.

Probably helped that there were practicle tips, things to do to help and that they gave them these skills to try elsewhere without the expectation of going back every week. Again, the problem they were adressing worked well with that sort of therapy, not sure how it would go four something different.

Own-Investment-7966 · 2024-03-26T23:04:08+00:00

This is so true issue. Look, what is the most common issue in men mental health issues? Loneliness.

Lots of men suffer this. Yet therapists trained for working on this issue, is very very hard to find.

My Experience was like this, here's how fucked up therapy system is,

I have been looking for therapist for 6 years.
In university, mental health center, have been kicking me out from there 4 times, saying, you are not sad, you look happy,. Loneliness isn't ideal. When I went there for neon so lonely and sad.
I then looked for private therapists. And Noticed, lots of them, put up lies on their profile, saying, "Are you lonely? Alone? Single? I can help you?" When I reach them, it turns out, 4 out of 5 are not experienced in this issues, even told me to not to come to them anymore.
And 3 out of that 5 therapist, lied, and said, it's not their real expertise.
And 1 of 5 did lied me to main session and took 250$ per sessions. Thats Daylight Robbery.

So Look, how serious drawbacks this therapy industry have? Yet many people will tell me, nah, maybe you are not omitted, too lazy, is why, they did not help you. It's your fault.

TF I was trying so super hard. And people telling me, I am being lazy...

Thankfully I have found a therapist, and her clinic have many therapists specializing on this issue too. And she is awesome adn super helpful.

onlinethrowaway2020 · 2024-03-26T19:20:43+00:00

Ooh Prim just posted a video about this topic! IMO some therapists just do not seem to care that much or be good at things beyond asking many questions lol

trowaway123453199 · 2024-03-27T00:42:55+00:00

this can be overtly specific but as a man who didn't liked how theraphy went, on hindsight, it had a lot to do with the therapist, she wasn't a bad person, but probably misunderstood some of my goals about the whole thing and ended up giving me a lot of advice that didn't quite fit with what I wanted to do with my life.

tho I do have some trust on psychology as a discipline, so maybe I could try it out later with a different therapist, but more to your point, I think that a lot of my issues have to do with external circumstances that cant be changed with a mere change on perspective or emotions, those things help, but at the end of they day, they are there to make you hang in there.

BloomingBrains · 2024-03-28T08:28:33+00:00

Because therapy doesn't actually do anything to fix the problems at their source. Maybe that's fine for women, due to the discrepancy between (average) male and female psychology when it comes to dealing with problems. Men want to solve problems, women like to talk about it. Therapists don't solve problems, they talk about it. Which is why most therapists are women and it doesn't help men.

Of course everything I just said assumes the problem is external, not internal. And that highlights the other part of the issue. Therapists will convince us the issue is internal because its the only way they can do anything, even though the problem is clearly with society.

LuciferLondonderry · 2024-03-26T22:30:02+00:00

I actually had a really positive experience with a woman counsellor. It was about 20 years ago, so not sure if things are different now. Anyhow, my problem was a lot of negative self talk ( I am such a loser, etc.). She taught me a technique called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which helped me a lot.

Blauwpetje · 2024-04-02T18:21:40+00:00

My doctor and a psychologist in her health centre asked me: ‘So what is the problem?’ ‘Shouldn’t you just accept your life as it is?’ My doctor even said when I told her about my loneliness: ‘You ARE not a man for a woman/wife!’ Once I did an assertiveness training to better communicate with my ex concerning our son, and the leader said to me afterwards: ‘You want the wrong things!’ Nuff said?

Plenty-Row4359 · 2024-04-19T01:48:23+00:00

Don’t have much to say just thought I’d link this video since it relates to the study about the 50% suicide rate for those men seeking help.. ( guessing it could be from the same study ) https://youtube.com/shorts/PCtpYTiyoP0?si=f3XOGTuomTqwH39s

Title	Men’s therapy
Author	Chama-HUH
Upvotes	105
Comments	35
Date	March 26, 2024 6:36 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/1bofbrh/mens_therapy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/mens-therapy.1513304 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513304

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