Any tips for an ethical incel?

Exis007 · 2024-05-13T20:09:44+00:00

Okay, let's start with something important. The word for the phenomenon you're describing is single. Single. You're single. You're not an incel. Being single at 21 isn't uncommon. Being a virgin at 21 isn't uncommon. The word 'incel' implies the pill ideology, the hate, the philosophy, the radical group adherence. There's no reason to take that on if that doesn't accurately describe you. You can just be single, or a late bloomer, or just a guy who worried about dating a little later than other people. When you call yourself by a name associated with a hate group, even adding all the reasonable caveats you're adding, you're really painting yourself with an ugly brush and you just...don't have to do that. No one else is going to call you that, this is a totally self-imposed penalty and one thing you could do right now, right this very second, is to stop thinking about yourself with that language. It instantly makes you more likable.

The second point is this. If I were to give broad spectrum advice to someone looking to get out of a dating slump or to stop being single I'd ask three questions broadly.

What is your social circle like?
How are your interpersonal relationships? How do you feel about evaluating your own social skills?
Where are you at in terms of self-worth and self-esteem? How's your mental health?

It's very easy to get sucked into worrying about what you look like or the gym or focusing on everything and anything but the core problem, when the reality is that most dating comes down to the social opportunities you create for yourself and your inner emotional landscape and how it allows or disallows you to capitalize on those moments. So that's where I'd start looking if you want to get on track to be dating any time soon.

Altruistic_Emu4917 · 2024-05-13T21:27:45+00:00

I wouldn't repeat the whole self-improvement jargon as such but rather talk about the incel thing. Firstly let's tackle the incel label. You're well aware about it being associated with a hateful and misogynistic community which you don't want to. It's the sad reality but even if you're good intentioned, someone who uses that identifier is seen witha red flag for obvious reaosns. So firstly you need to shed that incel label. Calling yourself an ethical incel doesn't do any better as the incel word itself is an ick. I would disagree with the "single" label which someone has spoken here about, as I feel that calling yourself single doesn't fully encapsulate the whole thing about not getting dates even if you really try to. I rather call myself lovelorn which is a label and community I created, to separate from the incel community. Also have a visit at r/incelexit.

But in a lot of ways I relate with you, as I'm 20 myself and is kissless virgin who never even held hands with any girl except my family members. I had huge trouble getting dates and it seems too far fetched to get one too. I don't care about virginity as I'm not in a hurry to have sex, but I do desire a romantic relationship.

About improving yourself: you can do a SWOT analysis on yourself which is a good starting point, but I'll talk about some points you mentioned. Feel free to ask for more!

Cosmetics: I guess you're talking about plastic surgery but I would say to avoid that. If you're insecure about looks then it can even worsen how you feel about yourself. But having a robust skincare and haircare routine helps. That's something which anyone can do and maybe even treat as a hobby on yourself.
Personality: Changing personality can mean two things. Firstly, you gotta change the bad parts of it which negatively affects you. You can improve those parts ie being kind, thoughtful, helpful, honest, etc whatever traits which best fit you. I don't know much about who you are so can't go in details. But I see personality also as what you are in substance. Your likings, choices, beliefs, morals, preferences, fashion statements, everything goes in personality. And that can be something which you can use for your advantage. So be authentic in what you are and what you like. Don't hide your true self and the things you love just because the other person is something else. This authenticity is something which may deflect many, but it surely attracts those who are really into the things you are interested.
Fake it till you make it: Works at the beginning but true confidence is how you bring it from within. Firstly learn to like and love what you are. Don't feel bad about your looks, conditions etc. Your main contention is looks based insecurity which you need to resolve. I had a similar journey of hating how I looked, I even hated seeing me in the mirror. I found out that I'm simply not my own type and that I should rather atleast have a neutral view about my looks. Even if you don't like how you look, someone else will surely be into it. Body dysmorphia is a b**ch.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-05-13T20:59:06+00:00

Sure:

Hit the gym and clean up your diet.
Look into better clothes and hairstyle.
Consider therapy if you got some issues.
Be socially active and deal with social issues.
Look into dating tips from a variety of perspectives.
Invest in your future and yourself out of self-love.

absolutebeginners · 2024-05-13T21:43:28+00:00

Youre only 21, you're not an incel.

featherblackjack · 2024-05-14T00:55:56+00:00

Please please PLEASE, guys, if you're not in incel culture and you don't believe what they believe, don't call yourselves incels. The reason for this is incels are horrible people wishing rape and death upon women. You're not. You're just a guy who hasn't had sex yet. This is okay! It is a million percent okay and there's nothing wrong with you.

Finding someone who could be interested in you is the same for everyone in our American culture. Start doing something that kinda forces you to meet people, such as: hiking, art classes, book group, birdwatching, whatever you think sounds fun. Beware going with the attitude that You Are Going To Date Someone Here, it's the absolute worst and you will be regarded as the local creep. Just go to enjoy yourself and do your newfound hobby. You just want to get better socialized, okay?

villain-mollusk · 2024-05-14T00:12:40+00:00

Your experience isn't as unusual as you think, and just like all areas of self-improvement, you shouldn't be comparing yourself to others (as hard as that is to accomplish). Working out, even at home, is a great start. Cosmetics? If you mean surgery, then that probably isn't the right route. But I use a bit of green tinted makeup for my rosacea, if that's what you mean.

Personality will get you a lot further than looks will though, man, no matter what people tell you to the contrary. Get a book about writing jokes (I can recommend one). Do some improve. I'd need all fingers and toes to count the number of women I've met who are dating or married to a "less attractive" dude just because "He makes me laugh." I'm one of those fortunate men.

BrianW1983 · 2024-05-14T03:14:15+00:00

Dress nice. Business casual. Get in shape. Talk to women.

Women aren't that much different than men. Some are good and some are bad.

At 21, you're basically a teenager. I'd focus on your education and career then try for a relationship at age 25.

Godspeed.

Designer-Arugula6796 · 2024-05-14T17:15:09+00:00

OP- like another commenter said - you’re just single. Look at yourself as being a catch for a woman. You’re young, don’t have kids, and no STDs. Great! Normally talking to and chatting with girls is the first part, second part is asking them out. Plan a date, have fun and get to know a woman as a person. Don’t over analyze your situation.

Personal_Dirt3089 · 2024-05-14T00:16:24+00:00

tip#1: Stop calling yourself an incel. It does not mean virgin, it means people that follow a specific hateful ideology. tip#2: most people do not care about your virginity. the ones that do are weirdos. tip#3: besides meeting women, hang out with people that leave you in a good mood. do not hang out with people that give you excessive stress and drama tip#4: meet women outside of your social circle. if your social circle is 1/3 women or less, expand out of your social circle.
tip#5: do not get racially picky. even if your friends and family say cringey things about race, who cares, you are a grownup. tip#6: get used to speaking with confidence, but do not lie. actually smile when you talk on the phone. tip#7: if you have a speech impediment, work on it.

yungneec02 · 2024-05-14T18:10:45+00:00

Step 1 stop calling yourself an incel

SufficientDot4099 · 2024-05-13T23:24:20+00:00

You're not an incel. Incel does not mean involuntarily celibate. It means someone who believes in incel ideology.

ButterscotchSharp173 · 2024-05-15T02:37:22+00:00

Just to add on a few thoughts:

if you're looking for some actionable good, healthy dating advice I suggest models. Parts of the book changed the way I viewed the world. I think right now though you need to defocus on dating and work on your mental health which leads to #2
Dr K or healthygamerGG has some really good videos. He can be a good seg way to seeking mental health support or therapy. I would suggest therapy.

I hear a lot of confusion over your identity in this post, and I'm assuming its all from online spaces because all thoughts come from somewhere. These online spaces are not real. Consider taking a break and trying to spend your free time on more healthy hobbies. Good luck and I believe in you!

Fair_Juggernaut010 · 2024-05-14T00:20:35+00:00

"Ethical Incel." Nice.

EnricoLUccellatore · 2024-05-14T15:24:18+00:00

Do not listen to people saying youi cannot call yourself an incel, if you think the label applies to you (because it only carries misoginistic views in the eyes of people who want to shame men for not having sex), there is nothing wrong with being an incel.

Foreign-Ad-9527 · 2024-05-14T01:53:15+00:00

If you are really an "incel" there is nothing you can do to change it. The ethical thing to do would be to accept you will be alone and buy a dog.

Title	Any tips for an ethical incel?
Author	Height-Increase
Upvotes	28
Comments	68
Date	May 13, 2024 7:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1cr8rof/any_tips_for_an_ethical_incel/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/any-tips-for-an-ethical-incel.1518419 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518419

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