Why shouldn’t I just give up honestly

ButterscotchSharp173 · 2024-06-13T15:31:56+00:00

Extending on what the first commenter said, I probably went out with 20 girls over three years, before I found my first girlfriend. Dr K or healthy gamer GG, has a really interesting video on dating timelines. It is extremely normal to go 3-5 years before a relationship, for everyone. That isn't an indicator of you as an undesirable partner.

Truthfully I think the bigger issue with your post is your idea that a relationship is the indicator of your life starting. I'm telling you that very little will change, and that you are gonna suffer from similar issues, in a relationship. You should try to work on getting in a better headspace, and making your life start in the absence of your partner, with faith that your time is coming.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-06-13T14:50:27+00:00

I’ve been going to the gym for one year

What kind of results have you gotten from the gym? Also how have you improved you looks aside from the gym like with clothes or hair?

therapy for longer
There was one person I really feel for and they were willing to give it a go but that ended after a week due to mental stuff.
I’m an absolute cretinous failure.

How much have your mental health issues been resulted with therapy? It sounds like you still have mental health and self-talk issues to work on.

I’m sociable and able to hold a conversation

That doesn't necessarily mean you have good social skills. Most people can at least hold a conversation. Have you made any friends? Female friends?

Five first dates this year, five rejections.
Whole semester of uni and literally nothing to show for it.
If theres someone else in my situation reading this, just know, theres nothing you can do to change your lot in life

Its actually pretty good that you are getting one date a month and thats amazing progress from where you started. Have you done any research into dating skills? To predict it will never work out is fortune telling and you just don't have evidence to say that. For all you know a date will work out in the second half of the year or next year.

Said to myself at the start of the year that I’d get it done by mid year.

If you started in a really bad place you simply can't expect to be completely recovered in just a few months. It can sometimes take years so be patient. It took me two years to get into a relationship.

I’m so sick of enjoying literally nothing about my life; doing everything on the hope that maybe one day it will pay off and somehow someone will make this 19 years of misery worth it.
I’m sick of waiting for my life to begin.

Socializing and romance with women are supposed to be fun. If you are making this too serious this might be seriously throwing off your vibe and might be the reason your dates didn't work out. Stop trying so hard to impress because thats try-hard. Also you should be doing these things not just to date but to have a great single life as well.

Well now its June and uni is on break so fat chance it happens in the next 20 days.

When I was a student I had an internship where there were women and found events to go to on facebook.

xvszero · 2024-06-13T15:49:17+00:00

Get it done by mid year? Kid, no one is going to tell you this is easy. I found my wife when I was 30. Shit, 5 dates in a half a year would have been amazing for me.

Anyway, you obviously have some other issues going on. What makes your life a life of misery? Did you have a rough childhood?

I notice near the end you say you are waiting for life to begin. That's an odd comment. Life isn't dependent on being in a relationship. You are living life right now. And let me tell you, it never really "begins". It's just one day you'll go oh shit I'm 40 now wtf happened, lol.

watsonyrmind · 2024-06-13T11:38:48+00:00

Both lie about peoples chances of changing their standing. I’ve been going to the gym for one year, therapy for longer, I’m sociable and able to hold a conversation. Five first dates this year, five rejections.

If you asked people in this group how many first dates people have on average before finding a partner, most people will tell you a dozen or more is completely normal. I don't know of anyone here who would tell someone "finding a partner in 6 months is a realistic and achievable goal." I think it would be very useful for you to take responsibility for your expectations and understanding of things before blaming everyone else for your own interpretations.

You are young so everything seems urgent and 6 months seems like a lifetime but they aren't and it isn't. Practice some patience and keep going. I know teenagers think they know everything, but come on dude, you seem like an intelligent guy. Surely deep down you know you have experienced far too little of adulthood to have any authority on what someone can do with their life?

I’m so sick of enjoying literally nothing about my life; doing everything on the hope that maybe one day it will pay off

This is a deeply unhealthy mindset to enter a relationship with. You would be much better off focusing on working through these feelings before ending up in a toxic, codependent situation.

As to your title, why would you give up pursuing something that you want? How would that help you?

bluemagex2517 · 2024-06-13T13:13:22+00:00

Said to myself at the start of the year that I’d get it done by mid year.

Yeah, 6 months is a really short amount of time to expect results in this situation.

, I’m sociable and able to hold a conversation.

That sounds like the bare minimum, not what we suggest at all. The idea is to become very good at socializing. To be exceptionally amiable. Not just to hold a conversation. You need skills like active listening, making people feel heard, emotional literacy, and the ability to shape a story, etc.

Those things alone take at least 6 months to learn, but years to master.

changing their standing

The fact that you veiw dating as a hierarchy at all isn't good. It's supposed to be finding a connection. Either for a relationship or a night of fun. If you're thinking of it as social status, then you're already in too deep into nonsense.

Finally, don't call us liars. Don't be a rude asshole like that. If you don't want to follow our advice or wany to half follow it on your own terms, that's your choice. But, don't come in here making accusations when you could be asking for clarifications.

PearlieSweetcake · 2024-06-13T13:42:22+00:00

The whole issue here is that getting a girlfriend isn't something to "get done". Women don't want to feel like they are a box to be checked on a list.

" I’m so sick of enjoying literally nothing about my life doing everything on the hope that maybe one day it will pay off and somehow someone will make this 19 years of misery worth it."

You think women can't pick up that you're miserable and only do things to get laid? This sort of misery is like the worst bo you've ever imagined to healthy people.

Maybe start with learning how to authentically love yourself and your own life before trying to get a woman to love it?

Personal_Dirt3089 · 2024-06-13T16:48:36+00:00

Dude, you're 19. Saying "give up" at 19 is way excessive. However, dating at 19 is generally going to be awkward because everyone your age is immature, weird, and very self centered . Dating sites are always going to be weird, and it is better to ask out women you meet in person.

No one here is promising that you will get insta girlfriend with anything.

A major thing that makes people mention therapy: you are only 19 and giving the doomtalk.

Also, stop defining your life by whether or not you have a girlfriend. That will hold you back in a lot of aspects of your life and even push women away.

flipsidetroll · 2024-06-13T16:42:18+00:00

I’m sorry, should we jump through hoops now to somehow make your chances better magically without knowing a thing about you? And please, keep trying the emotional blackmail bit by comparing any of us to redpillers because I’m sure that will make us work to do everything to adjust the universe for you!

You brushed over “mental stuff” very conveniently. Who’s mental stuff, yours or hers? If it’s hers, then try again. If it’s yours, how about sorting that out and acknowledging that advice you may have been given did not include every little quirk in health you may have. Life can throw some curveballs with health, physical and mental, and if you think that doesn’t impact relationships, then you shouldn’t be dating at all.

Ok, some hard truths. And I’m shocked your therapist hasn’t told you this….Nobody, but nobody is responsible for your life but you. Strangers on the internet that gave you advice for free, based on their life experiences, did not give you a guarantee that it would absolutely work. And to be so entitled as to blame them for your problems? Who are you going to shit on next? The teachers who told you that getting good marks would mean a successful life? Going to whine that you aren’t a millionaire yet and how dare they tell you that hard work pays off, because according to your timetable, it hasn’t?”

If you don’t feel a tiny bit sheepish now, stop reading and go back to being an entitled child, throwing your toys out the cot. If you do, you need to work on your mental health, and attitude. And the only way you will do that, is to help others without any expectation of reward. So pick a cause or charity, animals or children. And you are going to spend every spare moment doing things to help that cause or charity for 6 months, (besides for studies or exercise). And then come back and have a civil conversation.

Nessuwu · 2024-06-13T19:35:03+00:00

You can't make dating a goal. It might suck to be single at times, but it sucks even more when you make it a goal and don't meet it. Now why should you not make it a goal? Because it takes 2 for it to be met. Everything else in life you can do on your own. Want to get gym gains? That's something YOU can change. Want to be a good chess player? YOU can set a goal to make that happen.

But dating is different. You can have 10 people with identical qualities and they can all have very different results. You can have absolute bums get into relationships, or you can have a 6 figure Renaissance man with none. The best you can do is be the best version of yourself and not make dating a "goal" in your life. It is going to eat away at you as it's not something you can force to happen like anything else.

Also relax, you are 19. You have plenty of time and opportunities while you're at college. What you don't want to do is "give up," then realize 10 years later how much you screwed up the opportunities you had that you won't get back.

SocietyGoVroom · 2024-06-13T18:57:17+00:00

I think you may need to change your therapist my friend. If you’ve been going to therapy for over a year and you still call yourself things like an “absolute cretinous failure”, I’m guessing your therapy isn’t working for you.

It’s okay that this therapist isn’t working for you, it doesn’t mean this is a bad therapist or that therapy is a waste of time. You may just need the find a therapist that’s more compatible with you and more capable of meeting your specific needs.

psyduck5647 · 2024-06-13T14:37:16+00:00

Love yourself first, the rest will fall into place.

idiosyncrassy · 2024-06-13T19:34:04+00:00

Do yourself a favor, and stop with the deadlines and the results metrics. You're not a traveling salesman with a quota to meet.

It definitely sounds like you have a life-enjoyment deficit going on. You need to give that a lot more thought, and ask yourself if your "goals" are even enjoyable to pursue for their own sake.

Imagine you meet two girls who are both attractive and fit. The first person is from an athletic family who loves to hike and play sports, has visited every National Park, and she has played on a sports league and has a lot of friends from that, and has even traveled to see different cities from those opportunities. That sounds like a cool person for whom their fitness lifestyle has given them a well-rounded experience.

The second person LOOKS like the first person, but she wakes up at 5am to go to the gym every single morning rain or shine (which she hates), counts every calorie obsessively, and freaks out if she has to skip a gym day, or attend an event at a restaurant or catered pizza party because it'll throw off her macros. She doesn't enjoy cardio, she never lets herself sleep in, and she doesn't enjoy subsisting on carrot sticks and chicken breast and never eating a piece of chocolate, and every aspect of her effort comes from a place of deprivation. Ultimately, it actually limits her socially, but she does it anyway because she thinks the result will be worth the grind. A result that has yet to bring her any joy, unlike the first person who has experienced joy the entire time. So she thinks this "result" is always something that will happen in the distant future, a place she's afraid she'll never get to. She spends a lot of time thinking, "is this all there is?" Because to her, her "success" is just a constant ordeal. The guys she meets who show interest are always shallow and only care about having a hot girlfriend. The guys she meets who aren't shallow are turned off and freaked out by her obsessive focus and negativity.

Which person sounds happier with their own life? Which person sounds like they're more fun to be around?

You, yourself, may resemble the second person in my analogy, instead of the first person. It's great to have goals, but they should be goals to provide you with experiences and enhance your life as you go. They're not handcuffs that chain you to some arbitrary metric of "success" or "failure". If your approach makes you miserable, than you will not be any happier for having done it successfully. You can't be all grind and no fun.

Maybe you should treat this summer break as a "goals vacation" and focus on doing things that you think are actually fun for a while. Then compare what you find fun to what you define as "success" and see if there are ways those two aspirations can be combined a lot more closely, so you actually derive enjoyment from the experience.

Abject-Interview4784 · 2024-06-13T16:00:49+00:00

Fitness is good but maybe work in cultivating some interests that you like and might share with a partner. Maybe go to a kind sex worker if you can afford it and it is not too legally risky where you live? Or swinger events to meet people in a fun relaxed low pressure atmosphere? Read the threads to understand what to do or not do and what partners are looking for. There is no shame on being involuntarily celibate. It happens sometimes. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Live you life and try not.to have expectations as they might come off as bad vibes and repel prospective partners as well as wrecking your mental health. Remember the point of mainstream media is to make us all feel inadequate and buy a bunch of crap we dont need so dont let unrealistic ads or shows throw you. Good luck!

WatchOutItsAFeminist · 2024-06-13T19:54:35+00:00

You should work on finding a way to enjoy your life without a partner. That'll actually make you a more attractive person, too.

shesarevolution · 2024-06-13T23:44:38+00:00

Having a girlfriend isn’t going to magically make your life better if you are already miserable and hate yourself.

It’s a hell of a lot to put on a person. If you aren’t adding to a person’s life in a good way, then you’re dead weight. Expecting a magical woman to appear and heal you is not how life works.

Discuss the idea of the magical other with your therapist. Seriously.

princessbubbbles · 2024-06-14T00:10:04+00:00

My guy, Dr. K on healthygamergg sounds like a good starting point for you. Lots of info on struggles you mention

W-Pilled · 2024-06-13T14:58:33+00:00

A lot of the comments here are from women who speak of their own dating experiences, so I would take their advice with a grain of salt. You need to listen to men who have struggled like yourself, as it's going to be more relatable.

I was in your shoes when I was 19. I felt lost and had little guidance. It was a different time though before tinder and other dating apps got big so I'm sure you're struggling to find a connection.

What I can say is that from 18-20 are transitional years. Not exactly a full adult but old enough to be considered one. Once you hit 21, things start to change.

You got to stick it out and keep grinding. No one is gonna help you more than yourself. You might get a little frustrated and cynical, but it's really gonna make you stronger. I honestly suggest learning a martial art because it will really show you how strong you are and will be able to take a hit and get back up.

And life is gonna throw you a lot of hits.

Feisty-Beat1948 · 2024-06-13T14:28:13+00:00

Leave the United States

Title	Why shouldn’t I just give up honestly
Author	Eric-Arthur-Blairite
Upvotes	0
Comments	92
Date	June 13, 2024 11:16 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1dewizi/why_shouldnt_i_just_give_up_honestly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/why-shouldnt-i-just-give-up-honestly.1521434 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521434

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