It’s funny how much more clearly you can see things the further you get from a situation.

The divorce still isn’t final but the lengths that she went to in order to get her way and justify to herself that it was OK to blow up the family is pretty astounding when I look back at it.

I’ll never forget a big disagreement we had on disciplining our youngest son one night a couple years back.

I remember her reaction was so over the top in relation to the situation itself that it was perplexing to me at the time.

She ended up calling a family member over and making a huge thing out of it.

I was angry that night, but I don’t remember things deserving that kind of response.

Now I can clearly see that, while I was to blame for my part, I believe part of the situation was contrived to give herself another reason she needed to leave.

Not only that, but I believe she wanted to make it an even bigger production for the benefit of “showing the family”.

I just want to tell you guys that, if something feels off, it likely is.

People have many hidden motives. They justify things in their mind and will do anything possible to reach the conclusion that fits their narrative to absolve themselves from responsibility.

When she left, I ended up writing her a very lengthy letter (I had to write a letter because she wouldn’t talk to me).

I can now clearly see the fault on both sides of that toxic relationship.

But I have never received an apology from her for her part and I never will.

She was able to do the mental gymnastics to craft me as the sole reason the marriage failed.

I don’t know what it is, but it feels like, at least in my case, that she was able to lay all responsibility for everything at my feet. …even her behavior and actions.

I can’t even conceive of doing something like that.

It really is delusional.

I know I should not expect it to be any different than it was in the marriage because that’s what she did when we were together as well.

Even when I would try to work things out in good faith, whether it be counseling or marriage, classes, or effort on my part…. it seemed like nothing was ever good enough.

It has affected me greatly.

I strongly desire, companionship. That’s something I never even had in the marriage.

But it’s incredibly difficult for me to see myself in another serious relationship ever again.

Even though the marriage was terrible, it still really hurt to see the family destroyed.

Because of that, I can’t imagine what it would be like being in an actual loving relationship and that happening.

It’s apparent to me that I did love my soon to the ex-wife, but I fully believe that she never, even for a moment, loved me.