How did you know your husband was a provider?

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2024-07-18T15:00:35+00:00

I think the fundamental question is, does he have the capacity to provide? Things like ambition, setting achievable goals and meeting them, and actionable self improvement are good indicators.

The most clear indicator will NOT be what he says, but will be his behavior. If he's a control freak when you're dating then don't expect that to change as your relationship progresses. Be honest with yourself and take any red flags seriously. Kindness and generosity (or the lack thereof) are good indicators. Watch his spending habits and what his priorities are. Also it's probably not a good idea to be verbally critical of his spending habits. Think of it as he's demonstrating who he is and take him seriously.

Watch how he handles frustration and manages anger.

I think part of the vetting process is to be honest with yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Be willing to walk away if things don't add up.

Ok_Ice621 · 2024-07-18T15:32:37+00:00

When we met, my husband and I were students yet he was still extremely generous to me and very ambitious. He was doing an internship and would save money to take me to nice places, get me gifts occasionally, send me food delivery. He told me he believes men should be providers and his goal is to provide for his wife and future children. And he shared with me that his parents had a traditional marriage, and his mother managed all the money and that's what he would like in his marriage. Also when we got engaged and were planning for our life after marriage, he paid off some of my student loans (the last $5000 because he was so proud of my efforts to pay it off) and set up the plan to combine our finances immediately after we got married which we did. When a man is controlling you know, when he is cheap you know, when he lacks ambition you know. Always trust your gut.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-07-19T02:47:05+00:00

Provider mindset men are super easy to spot: They scoff at the idea of you not always being available. Uncomfortable with you paying for things and would not suggest it. They are not flashy with short-term spending because they want to be sure they can cover long-term goals. They are proud of how they provided for women in past relationships. They may be the penny pinchers, the meal splitters, the lets vacation during the cusp season to save money, etc.

Provider mindset should not be confused with flashy men who like their ego stroked. Those are just showing how well they can provide for themselves.

If I were to advise my daughter on finding a provider, I would tell her

1)Be realistic and fair about what you want provided. Don't be just a leech. Don't be wasteful. Adopt a mindset of mindful gratitude.

2)Calculate the cost of the lifestyle you want to live. I would tell her to try and live on her own ( marry oneself for a year) . Visit friends who maybe raising children. That will give you an estimate of how much a man needs to make to “ afford you” and what lifestyle you will live at what he is making.

Noressa · 2024-07-18T15:16:35+00:00

After a poor first marriage, I had a requirement: I didn't care how much money you made, as long as you could support your life with your current lifestyle without stressing too much about it. My husband at the time was taking a break from working so had 0 listed as his current salary. On one of our first dates, I asked up front if he could pay his bills, or if he had a random car issue if he could pay for it and not stress (ie, had managed a good savings before stepping away from working.) And he said yes. And it was good enough for me to start dating. We didn't have serious money talks until much, much later when we had clearly progressed in the relationship, but he paid more often than not and never had money stress about it.

aussiedollface2 · 2024-07-18T21:27:50+00:00

Good points by everyone else. Capacity to provide is the most obvious. Also don’t be fooled by trust fund types as they can be the most cheapass in my experience. Secondary, actions speak louder than words. Does he provide? Does he pay for dates? Listen to how he speaks about his parents and their dynamic. What are his values? (Married six years. Together ten).

yktvvvvvvvvvv · 2024-07-19T06:46:06+00:00

A big one for me was that he prioritised my comfort and ease. Of course I worked and studied beforehand and if I was unwell or even just not in a great mood, he would encourage me to rest and relax. I’m very feminine with him but I had some blockages as to whether I was doing enough or was productive enough for my career success.

He always reassured me that I deserve to relax and none of my work will be undone by staying home for a day to recuperate.

Other things that prioritised my comfort included, if we were sharing a meal he would put aside his dietary preferences for mine (like if we wanted to share pasta and it had mushrooms, he would order it with no mushrooms for me even though he likes mushrooms), if I casually mentioned I had a period, or even non-period, craving he would get it to me, regardless of whether he was with me or not, same with items. If I mention a bag or watch, he’s getting it for me immediately.

Another big indicator was that he provided for his single mum and siblings. Even to the point where he paid off their debts. He also provided for them in the sense that he continuously runs errands for them, will help his mum with school pick up and drop off of younger siblings, help clean the home (even though he was also paying the bills).

I could list numerous examples but essentially look for character in him where he is selfless and not just selfless to you, but is innately selfless to his loved ones. It’s easy for someone to be playing a character to impress you and either get you into bed or marriage but helping family for the pure fact that they are a loved one to him and he won’t be getting anything in return is important.

LuckyIntroduction696 · 2024-07-19T18:44:01+00:00

Obvious things in the very beginning like him paying and planning. I didn’t expect to pay and in return I didn’t expect to choose where we went, I work around his schedule, showed up on time, never order too much, just basic respect.

When he asked me to move in we had a straight up honest talk about it all. He said he didn’t need or want my help with the bills. He had already began taking care of things like my gym membership and a gas card. He insisted on me being on his phone plan and getting me an iPhone when I moved in which I was kind of against. I liked my Android but it seemed important to him so I did it. He set a bi weekly cash food budget and I took over making all the meals and shopping.

After we got engaged I asked that he add me to his main account. He also set up a little extra spending money to go straight to my pay pal. I mostly spent it on extras for the wedding back then, now I save it for his anniversary gift, bdays, baby extras.

After we got married we added life insurances, I get part of the tax return, and a safer car. When he gets a raise the amounts are adjusted. It’s all pretty easy going and automatic. I think having that talk in the beginning of expectations and finances was slightly uncomfortable but significant in how smoothly our marriage runs.

Babiecakes123 · 2024-07-18T19:25:22+00:00

I asked him what his goals were & how we was planning on achieving them.

He said he wanted a SAHW and someone who would homeschool his children. I asked him how we was going to pay for this, he told me about his savings, stocks, career goals, salary, job prospects etc..

I also saw in his character. He spends 0 on himself & has never ever said no to me. He is very frugal and wise, but he does so in hopes of spoiling me.

Paid for dates, paid to fly across the globe to see me, dropped everything to immigrate to my country. If he’s a man of good character you will not need to worry.

Talk about it beforehand.

notabtthepastuh · 2024-07-18T21:01:23+00:00

You have a kind, yet direct conversation about each of your expectations and goals.

Obviously this isn’t a first date question but before you are engaged you’ve got to have the uncomfortable conversations. My husband and I are Catholic and in order to be married in The Church you have to go through pre-Cana. It’s amazing how much people don’t talk about beforehand. I think this is one of the reasons my husband and I have a happy marriage.

If my children don’t get married in the Catholic Church we will pay for pre-marital counseling or advisement to make sure the bride and groom are on the same page (as much as possible.) ❤️

Ok_Ice0 · 2024-07-18T15:09:51+00:00

I think the most sensible thing to do would be to directly discuss it with him. You should trust him enough and feel safe enough to bring something like this, up with him.

SnackDeliverer · 2024-07-18T19:02:18+00:00

Many good answers but a more simple question is was his mother a housewife/ sahm.

undothatbutton · 2024-07-18T17:25:11+00:00

Info: age range? How long have you been together?

I think it’s normal to directly discuss this stuff at a certain age/point in the relationship. If you’re consciously building towards a future together, sacrificing finances or making career choices with each other in mind, etc. then it’s time to directly make a plan. You want all your cards on the table. You want a legitimate plan for your future together, that you can look back at and reference together when things go one way or the other and need adjusting in the future.

Unique_Mind2033 · 2024-07-20T00:06:01+00:00

He had a generous aura and an inner stability

OkKaleidoscope9696 · 2024-08-18T21:05:13+00:00

My now-husband had a nice place he lived in, which he took good care of. The guys I had gone out with around the same time had messy apartments they didn’t plan on living in for long. He had also been at his job a long time and made a good living.

AutoModerator · 2024-07-18T14:17:52+00:00

Title: How did you know your husband was a provider?

Author Hot_Blacksmith_3404

Full text: For married women whose husbands provide well for your family, how did you vet for that prior to marriage?

I am very conscious of not expecting husband privileges from a boyfriend, and also don’t want to sound rude or entitled by having direct conversations about this, so I am struggling with how to properly vet for this.

Obviously things like generosity in paying for dates and wanting a stay at home mom for his kids are indicators, but I hear so many horror stories of men who refuse to give their stay at home wife more than the very bare minimum for food for the kids, while he spends freely on his own life and hobbies, or that use being the breadwinner as a miserly form of control.

Any tips on how to address this fear or approach this issue during vetting?

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2024-07-18T14:57:15+00:00

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razkat · 2024-08-20T07:13:18+00:00

My husband has always been very frugal and not into material things. He’s always had an interest in saving and planning financially for retirement. He’s always drove old cars and only buys a car to replace one that has died. He doesn’t buy things we need for the house. I’ve also witnessed his work ethic and his talks of planning for the future.

Prize-Blueberry7521 · 2025-02-21T04:45:11+00:00

I didn’t ask the right questions and now we’re fighting about finances … so even he shows you the right indicators while you’re dating, it doesn’t mean he’ll be a provider. My husband was 100% provider while dating (almost everything, but I also invited him occasionally and gave him gifts) however in the marriage he’s expecting 50-50 😂

CaregiverJaded8422 · 2025-08-12T17:37:19+00:00

All these comments are an inspiration and a great help for me, as I'm also looking for a man provider but in Spain it is becoming less and less common to find one. Y'all give me healthy envy.

My father is a provider, Catholic marriage, they have been married for almost 30 years, my mother has only worked when she was single, my father has been working since he was 18 and has a steady job, they are married in community of property, they have achieved (thanks to my father for working and thanks to my mother for managing the finances) a better economy than my grandparents had, my mother and I use credit cards and he doesn't ask us for explanations...I want a marriage like that

Title	How did you know your husband was a provider?
Author	Hot_Blacksmith_3404
Upvotes	60
Comments	47
Date	July 18, 2024 2:17 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1e6ck7i/how_did_you_know_your_husband_was_a_provider/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-did-you-know-your-husband-was-a-provider.1524607 https://theredarchive.com/post/1524607

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