I fvuked up...

I didn't have intercourse with another woman, but I was drunk and made a inappropriate comment to another woman at a bar - which was also an unofficial work gathering, and it landed me being fired..

Heart beating.. angry at myself for what I did, I had to go home and confront my wife. It didn't help that my boss was my wife's cousin, so going about hiding it when I see him at family functions was not gonna be the right thing to do. So I did. I went home, and confessed what I had done. Our marriage had been rocky for about a year, with her going out more often and me being home with my kids having no social life and no plans for anything near, it was inevitable..

After a cold look into the sunset as I confess what I had done, with hopes that she would just need some time - she replies with "I'm done".

We had been seperated for months, I, living in the basement of our home, anxious and scared everyday about what the future held. While she continued to go out and live life to the fullest. After months of pleading for a resolution and forgiveness, she started giving me clues that she was in fact cheating. She started hiding her phone, being secretive and telling me just to move on and worry about myself and the kids.

Heartbroken - but I guess I had this coming... Idk if she's talking to anyone still, I have my suspicions as she had been disappearing quite often.. but I've moved out. I now live with a longtime friend, and am doing everything I can do improve myself, heal, and hopefully showcase a man worth coming back to. But there's still that loneliness.

My days are active, productive and long.. But my nights are filled with regret, pain, and shame for ruining my marriage like this and embarrassing her like this.

I never thought she'd leave, after 13 yrs, even longer if u count highschool... it just seems like it shouldn't of ended this way. We should've worked on it or at least give me a chance to fix myself before moving on to another man. 😞

I look at other happy marriages, who had been through infidelity, 10x worse than anything we've ever been through, and I just can't help but ask why do other men who do worse, get a second chance...and i fuck up once and that's it?

I never loved anyone like I did her, I was just a loose fuckin cannon off alcohol...since this happened, I haven't had any desire to drink again.

I have no idea or even a clue if she'll come back... if she misses me...or if what we built was ever worth throwing away... But everyday I have to deal with this pain...

I see other men who suffer for years trying to heal.. and I have an anxious attachment personality.. so this has been so fuckin difficult..

But when does the pain not hurt as much... When and how do I forgive myself for ruining my own life...

We're still legally married, idk if she's spoken to lawyers, but we both have not really talked about paperwork..just kids schedules and we both really aren't interested in going to court..

Idk.. I'm so confused.. cause she's said herself, this has been the most difficult choice she's had to make cause she knows I'm a good guy... Then why give up? She believes because I am attractive, that I'll be able to find someone and will find someone quick..but little does she know that is not what i want at all.. I'm 33 yrs and this dating scene is NOT for me. With all the options all over socials, ain't no way in hell anybody under my age is ready for commitment..

So long be the days of "we've been married 40+ years" and that's the sad part. Divorce at an all time high, with woman being the 80% reason for divorce initiations... I feel like I'm never gonna find love like this again. 😔

I would give anything to have my family back.