How to save marriage and ask forgiveness

TheoryRemarkable66 · 2024-09-25T03:53:45+00:00

What you did was wrong, but what she did was wrong so therefore neither of you can claim the high ground and unfairly Lord it over the other.

However note that when she first cheated on you, you still had to "work on yourself" , which is insane. You were the victim then.

She needs to understand how you forgave her, and you need to forgive yourself too.

I'd say, both of you focus on your kids and stop the cheating

keencone · 2024-09-24T06:07:02+00:00

My man, you have to start with forgiving YOURSELF first. Anything beyond that is inconsequential at this point and it’s going to cause unnecessary strife to your girls and the marital situation bringing it up now. Make peace with yourself and make your girls pancakes and do fun things with them, time will reveal who to bear your soul to. All that shit is in the past now anyway, love yourself brother

Independent_Owlz · 2024-09-23T23:53:59+00:00

You both have to become committed for this to work.

Paterculus523 · 2024-09-23T21:20:28+00:00

The truth is your marriage and old relationship is already dead and just lingers around as a legal contract. And divorce is actual hell even if it gets better after.

Do you want to stay with your wife?

If yes, date your wife. When she is around put your phone down and be with her. Send her stupid, happy suggestive texts and memes when apart. Flirt. Notice the things she likes and dislikes now. Be intimate let her choose when to make it sexual. Play with her. When you have sex rock her world.

Show your daughters what a good loving husband looks like so they can go into the world knowing it.

I can almost guarantee the reason you both cheated was because it felt nice to be wanted without stress. So be that, want her stress free. Deal with your stresses together but don’t let it ruin desire to be with her.

Drop your guilt, it doesn’t serve anyone. Drop your anger, it doesn’t serve anyone. You made a mistake, learn from it and move on don’t repeat it or talk about it. It’s done.

If she is already done it will become clear when you put in the effort to want her.

stupididiot78 · 2024-09-23T18:44:34+00:00

She should forgive you the same way you forgave her.

TheBoyBand · 2024-09-23T16:39:25+00:00

You don’t.

Bermnerfs · 2024-09-23T15:43:44+00:00

TBH it sounds like you both are pretty selfish, needy, and have a lot of growing up to do. Get to a therapist and start working on yourself. Make the necessary changes to be the best version of yourself. Learn how to practice mindfulness. Take care of your mind, body, and soul. These are the the only things you can control.

It's up to you if you want to disclose the affair, and it's up to her how she responds. You can look at it as "you're even" but I doubt she will. Trust is blown on both sides. If you want any chance of saving things you need to first be the kind of man your wife would want to be with. If you disclose in your current state, you have zero chance of remaining married.

I'll be honest, it kind of sounds like a lost cause, but at least you'll have grown from this if you do the work. This way your next relationship might not be such a shit show.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2024-09-23T15:29:54+00:00

Forgive yourself for your past sins and learn from your mistakes to become a better human husband and father. We are humans and make mistakes and have flaws. Do not let guilt get in the way of the future. Get counseling if you want. Confessing to her will assuage your guilt but bring more bad karma to your house. Move forward one day at a time. If divorce is inevitable talk to your lawyer.

Par_then_Bar · 2024-09-23T14:43:54+00:00

Honestly I commend you for sticking with and making it work after her affair. I tried to do the same thing. But now that you’ve cheated, it’s obvious you two don’t love each other the way you’re supposed to. Love is not a feeling it’s a choice. And both chose others over your family and each other. My vote would be to move on and start fresh. Get into therapy. Stay single. Rebuild YOU and focus on your beautiful children

techrmd3 · 2024-09-23T14:10:55+00:00

FIRST thing you need to do is get your daughters genetic tested to make sure they are YOURS.

Your wife has admitted an affair. It is likely at least a 3 to 1 or even 5 to 1 ratio of disclosed affair to real numbers of affairs.

ALSO, don't beat yourself up about your cheating. She cheated too you are both "morally even" I suppose. While I know there is probably a heavy amount of guilt. At the end of the day divorce is on the table and you have to deal with that very likely outcome.

I know you wish to "save" your marriage. You must know that the odds are prohibitively stacked against you two working it out.

My advice is what about thinking outside the box here? What about pitching to her that you both are "married" as in stay in the same house, work to raise your(I hope) daughters, but otherwise have mostly separate private lives (in essence an open marriage that is not disclosed to anyone else)? What about that?

I can tell you that most women won't go for this. Seems they want all the benefits on their side of an "open marriage" (they get to bed anyone they want) but they expect the man to not do this and patiently wait with a candle in the window. But it's possible that your spouse is different.

I WILL tell you what not to do. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES do you sign or file any agreement financial wise that says she gets more money/custody/houses or whatever to stay in the marriage. (DO NOT DO THIS!)

I would get with a family law attorney. Explain that you want to get all the information for a filing together, BUT that you want to be advised on things you can do WHILE trying to save your marriage that will not hurt a possible future divorce case. Lawyers will give you a lot of advice on what to avoid. For example taking very visible EXPENSIVE vacations with a lover, you are paying for out of "Marital Funds" would look bad to a court. And many men who have what they thought was an "understanding" with their wives suddenly find that Divorce Courts do not like it when Men spend Marital assets on Mistresses.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-09-23T13:15:34+00:00

You have to accept you are not the same people you were in the beginning as a couple. Obviously there are some major incompatabilities which is why neither of you are loyal and why you both resent each other.

You guys are probably better suited as co-parents rather than romantic partners, and while that is scary to accept it is completely ok.

My advice is start planning your life without your wife in it as a romantic partner.

yes2matt · 2024-09-23T12:42:35+00:00

First stop is a therapist if you can afford it.

Can't afford it? Here's a tl;dr: you're mad that your wife wasn't God for you when you went thru a hard time. So you're lashing out trying to hurt her, firstly by fucking some broad, but that didn't get her attention bc she didn't know (she's not God), so now you want to tell her about it and blow up her world. The only reason to tell her about it is to hurt her.

Take your anger out somewhere else. Most guys will point at the squat rack. Some guys will point at running shoes or a bike or a kayak. Some guys will point at a writing table or a microphone or a drum set. Hell's yes to any/all but you need to be releasing that anger. Pref into a man's world in the company of men.

Then if you can swing it, find a week retreat or a cruise or a vacation for you and the lady. A reset honeymoon. "Rejoice in the breasts of the wife of your youth." Is the ancient wisdom. Having channeled your anger into a man's world among men, start taking real good care of that pussy.

I mean, your daughters are going to marry. If one of their husband's wrote your original post? What would you tell him, given that it's your daughter?

Exactly65536 · 2024-09-23T12:14:58+00:00

Based on what you wrote, you seem to be overwhelmed by guilt and an illusion of control.

If you are interested in how it looks from the outside, I see this: she cheated on you in the past, you cheated on her in the (nearer) past, you guys are even.

You seem believe that your indiscretion is something you could control, which is true, but you also believe that her choice to fuck a colleague was something you could have controlled. Of course, it wasn't and never will be.

I'd say confess your wrongdoing, apologize, compensate what you can, promise not to do this again, wait for her decision. Don't feel too guilty if she ends up not forgiving you, which she might - you can't control that too.

Theoretically, you could also forget it ever happened and live happily, but your guilt ridden message doesn't support the idea that you are able to do that.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-09-23T10:59:59+00:00

You should learn to speak nicely about yourself and to yourself.

I was not the perfect husband either, I worked hard and was always tired in the evening so I didn't do the amount of chores or appreciated her in the way she deserved.

This is twisted, her cheating on you was in NO WAY justified by this. Not even 1%.

Title	How to save marriage and ask forgiveness
Author	Working_Guess_907
Upvotes	2
Comments	17
Date	September 23, 2024 10:25 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fnh5mb/how_to_save_marriage_and_ask_forgiveness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-save-marriage-and-ask-forgiveness.1531134 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531134

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