Am I (31F) being unreasonable/unfair towards my husband (33M)?

nollamaindrama · 2024-11-27T03:59:26+00:00

You have a post indicating your working through divorce with your spouse and also about dating? So I'm assuming this is a moot point?

dnbndnb · 2024-11-26T21:16:17+00:00

Is there a “happy medium” for the near term? You have a child, stay where you are, and make do with the current space? He gets what he wants, and you both get a child. I would think the children aspect is the most important part of this impasse. You obviously could continue to live in NY.

Your father really has nothing to do with your relationship with your husband. This is a common thing women do when they don’t get their way, they “rally the troops” (family or especially girlfriends) to support their decision. One of the greater causes of marital dissolution.

Outside of children and location, you did not discuss your actual relationship. Do you both feel good about it and each other? Common interests, politics, etc?

You both have the ability to go rent long term AirBnB’s in various locations (let’s say a month at a time) and check out the idea of other locales. Sounds like you may have the money for a second condo without giving up the shoe box and your current friends and support network. This could be the best of all worlds.

I suggest you work on the child thing first, and don’t play “rally the troops” because they’re your “troops” and they’ll automatically support you.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-11-26T21:13:54+00:00

I had a friend who renegotiated their marriage every year on their anniversary. Not a bad idea because everybody changes over time, and it’s when you don’t change together when problems come up. Him expecting you not to change or grow together is unreasonable (except the kids thing…if you knew and married him anyway, that’s on you).

Maybe this is your way of justifying leaving him. Or you’ve been letting this fester to the point that it’s an ultimatum. I was there. Or you’re looking for something to make up for a general dissatisfaction with your life, and kids and moving are your solution. Today at least. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was there too. None of those are fair to him. If you’re committed to your vows, time to start the discussion. Maybe you’re being practical. Time for some introspection.

You probably won’t and shouldn’t get the immediate change you want, but you can move ahead together. Kids and stay close to family, or move and let go of the kids? Or at least you understand why he is where the two of you started and he understands why you’re changing. You decide together whether to adapt.

There are good reasons he may not want to leave: staying close to family, support network, routine, a good life he knows. Knowing what I know about my ex, I wouldn’t believe that sacrificing my needs was a sign of commitment to the marriage, I’d recognize that her commitment and promises were transient meaningless moving targets. I’d help you pack and get you a U-Haul. No kids and being asked to give up a life I was comfortable with? Not a chance. Giving up now isn’t a bad outcome because you’re both young enough to start over and pursue the different lives you want. His friends should be telling him bros before ho’s and yours are probably telling you “you go girl.” Or you can think back to the promises you made when you got married and decide if they meant anything, or if they were always conditional. No judgement for either, but I’d put money on him being a future contributor to this forum if next year he’s living in Houston with a kid on the way.

deep66it2 · 2024-11-26T21:06:57+00:00

Get a good lawyer, quietly. You are done.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-11-26T20:34:47+00:00

What does he do with his time?

redshoetom · 2024-11-26T20:31:19+00:00

Since you don’t have kids, here’s my take on what I read. People grow. People change. I get that. IMO being married, it’s a you grow together, you change together type thing. And we all know it should be a give and take thing as well. 2 things that stick out to me are 1. His family influencing him. 2. He has no job. 1. He’s a grown ass man. He can leave his mommas tit! If he’s not will to even think about moving, or even have a conversation about moving, fuck it, leave him. 2. I get people love each other and love being around their SO, but shit! You need that time away from him, and he needs time away from you. If him not having a job and always being around you and you being around him, isn’t that big of a deal, good for you and I hope it stays that way so you both are happy. You are his family, and he is your family now. Nobody else’s opinion should matter. Not his family, or yours. It’s a YOU TWO thing. As far as kids, if you want them, and there’s no debate from him, again, leave him. Ultimately, it boils down to him and having an open mind and at least considering it. Maybe it’s for a year or 5 year deal. If he doesn’t like it, let him go suck on his mom’s tit again. Just don’t fuck him over. Just like I’d say to a guy. Don’t fuck each other over. Don’t go after his money(if he has any without a job), don’t go for his limited fender guitar that he’s has since he was 14. Happiness over everything. Peace over everything.

Jigglytep · 2024-11-26T20:27:59+00:00

Came here thinking it was regarding details of property division, spouse support or child time allocation.

You are seeking relationship advice. You have years of history together and emotional bonding. Get three therapists one for you, one for him, one for the marriage.

I’m seeing some RED flags here. - you are completely flip flopping your values. You no longer take pride in your zip code, you want kids NOW, contemplating divorce, setting ultimatums…. - he quit his job, and you don’t really mention much else about him.

These are radical life changes… and while the answers you are giving are rational; they are interview answers what are the emotional drivers behind them?

Get therapy get counseling if you want to move and have a bunch of babies DO IT! But do it for the right reasons don’t do it because you think it will make you happy.

raginggear57 · 2024-11-26T20:21:22+00:00

Kinda the whole point has always been to reproduce. And you are getting to the age range where it can become somewhat dangerous and irresponsible to conceive. As your eggs are going to start losing their ability to correct issues if it’s fertilized by a sperm cell that has a problem.

Not trying to be a Debbie downer but yea, if you want kids(with a high probability of them being healthy) you really need to get on it.

EnvironmentDazzling9 · 2024-11-26T20:10:33+00:00

Realistically, marriage counseling may be the next step for you two. Seems like there’s some lack of effective communication and marriage counseling may help open that up. Marriage counseling can help provide useful communication techniques and possibly an insight into who you and your spouse are to one another. Anecdotally, it’s helped me learn more about my wife and how she ticks in a deeper level. And the same goes for her. But considering you feel at an impasse idk how helpful marriage counseling would be. But logically, this is the next step in my mind.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2024-11-26T20:04:20+00:00

For all the above and other reasons, I'm basically about to give up on this marriage. We prioritized his needs early on in our relationships and I always thought that the implicit agreement was that things will change over time...

I always thought...

What was the discussion and agreement about moving and about kids? Specifically. Not what you THOUGHT. Not what you ASSUMED. What was actually said and agreed upon. together

I'm going to ask this before I say my piece because there's a good chance I'm wrong.

outsideofaustin · 2024-11-26T20:02:29+00:00

Yes, it sounds like you are being unfair. He has family nearby and you married under the pretext of living in NYC. And now that you've changed your mind, "it's not really love"

It sounds like its the other way around. You want out of your marriage and you are finding a reason to justify it.

HoyAIAG · 2024-11-26T20:00:27+00:00

If you want kids and they don’t it’s a primary incompatibility.

Slowloris81 · 2024-11-26T19:54:46+00:00

It sounds like your and your father’s definition of “love” is unconditional submission to your requests even when your husband has valid reasons to stay in NYC. Is that really love; and if so, could any marriage survive that definition?

dober88 · 2024-11-26T19:45:09+00:00

‘Implicit agreement’ is where you messed up. This is the ‘lack of communication’ most people mean when they talk about marriage issues.

You did things for him earlier on and in your own mind expected him to do something later on without telling him.

Now you resent him for not sticking to his end of a bargain that only ever existed in your head.

Either you chalk this up as a lesson or you can’t get past it. If you’ve both sat down and rationally discussed all the aspects of this — and he has made it perfectly clear that there’s no way he can do it — then you need to decide how you want to proceed.

Cross_22 · 2024-11-26T19:39:43+00:00

To me it sounds like moving elsewhere is a red herring, that's not really what you need to agree on. (You say his family is nearby which should be a major point to consider and would also be beneficial for raising a family, so don't trivialize that aspect).

The real issue is whether the two of you agree on having children or not. You can't have half-children so there's not much of a compromise solution here. Either you both agree that not having kids is acceptable, or you both agree that trying to conceive now is okay. "Maybe later" is not a great option at 30.

I am also going to throw in a personal anecdote; when my wife got concerned about having kids too late I was fine with starting a family. Four years later she demanded a second child which I was not okay with. Unfortunately I caved to her wishes and have been resentful since.

Sweet-Sale-7303 · 2024-11-26T19:36:32+00:00

You might not like what you hear on this sub. You are doing they same thing to him as your father says he is doing to you.

You are telling him its either his family or you.

Title	Am I (31F) being unreasonable/unfair towards my husband (33M)?
Author	Few_Strawberry_99
Upvotes	0
Comments	28
Date	November 26, 2024 7:27 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1h0kdxm/am_i_31f_being_unreasonableunfair_towards_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/am-i-31f-being-unreasonableunfair-towards-my.1536948 https://theredarchive.com/post/1536948

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