Still struggling. Dick in the dirt. Hurt, sad, lonely, depressed, anxiety, stress. It’s all a little too much.

Couldn’t sleep again last night. 4th night in a row. Kids are with me this weekend so it’s a little better but the no sleep is killing me. Keep thinking about her having sex with someone else. So a lot of hurt and jealousy but also confusion on how this person I knew for 20 years has changed. Brutal.

Broke down and called her this AM. I know I shouldnt have. But I don’t know how to process or move on. Her having sex with someone else, the fact that she moved on so quickly, the fact that she was processing for the last 6 months as I ignored everything.

She just said that she needed the distraction. She wanted to feel good. Fuck, we all do, but like WTF. We were supposed to have an amicable divorce. Support each other. Be there for the kids. But no, really she just moved on. Has to be 6 - 9 months ahead of me. And her voice is clinical. Like not mean, actually she wants to support me but I want her in to be sad. To miss me. To say sorry she messed up and she shouldn’t be fucking some dude. But no. None of that. I miss my family. I’m sure we should still be getting divorced but this all feels wrong. So I’m just absolutely torn up inside. The no sleep and food is killing me.

First session of therapy on Monday. Praying that helps.

Thanks for listening Men.