What do tell your kids (sons) about marriage?

UsualResult · 2026-01-11T18:40:06+00:00

Finding a partner you can spend your life with is wholesome and doesn't require a marriage certificate from the state.

If you treat a marriage certificate as pros and cons for the male: What are some of the pros? What are some of the cons?

If you sit down and weigh those and it makes sense, by all means, get married. Just hope your partner is as serious about marriage as you are.

Many of us agreed "for better or for worse", but when things got tough, the partner uses the ejection seat and we're left wondering what we agreed to.

IAPiratesFan · 2026-01-10T14:33:17+00:00

Girlfriend’s son told me he never wants to get married and have kids. I said “good idea”. “

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2026-01-09T17:40:18+00:00

I have a lot of, admittedly evolving and disjointed, views on marriage:

First, love and marriage are two distinct things and can be mutually exclusive. Both can be beautiful. Both can be devastating.

Since divorcing, I gained a new opinion that "it should be as hard to get married as it is to get divorced."

I was never "taught" anything by my mom and later step-dad (never knew my father), in particular. Rather I was "taught" by society - the government by way of tax incentives, the church per se, and Hollywood that we're supposed to meet the girl, fall in love, crank out some kids and live happily ever after. Sounds great!

What I never understood was that the institution of marriage, at its core, is really a business agreement that I didn't fully understand when I got married. I hate that the State incentivizes marriage by having lower taxes. You know why there's a tax deduction for children? It's a financial investment. Think about it: $2k per year for 18 years is $36k deduction for the parents, for someone who will pay income taxes probably much higher than that for every year of their life. Smh... don't get me started!

When I first got divorced, I came to the conclusion that I'd NEVER get married again. I subscribed to the belief that there's no benefit to a man to be married. 8 years later, and having met a woman I don't feel is just looking for a free ride, my opinion has softened and I'm actually open to the idea of getting married again. But that has nothing to do with OP, which is, what do we teach our kids?

I have two sons, 20 and 22 yo. As far as I know, they have little or no interest in dating at this point - at least as far as they share with me. Should it come up they need to have a good understanding of what is most important to them in a relationship. What are their core values?

At one point my sponsor (I'm in AA) suggested this exercise: make a list of the 50 most important things for me in a mate: they could be anything from funny, trustworthy, loyal, to her social and political beliefs, to how big breasts are, hair color to how much loves (fill-in-the-blank sex act). Sound easy right? You'd be surprised how much of a human thesaurus you become around item 40, lol. After the list of 50, pair it down to your top 25. Then to your top 10. Then top 5. Then your top 3. These top 3 are you "non-negotiable" things. If she's a miss in these three things, she's not for you. Chances are, the top 5 or 10 are probably pretty important too, but the fact is, nobody is going to be a 100% match for anyone; there are always going to be some areas of compromise.

Sure, sex is important, but there are 23 hours other hours of the day you have to live with someone, ya know?

Is there a place for marriage for my sons in the future? Maybe, but they really need to think beyond their pecker and whatever fairy tale is out there.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-08T22:48:48+00:00

How about we rather discuss with them on how to minimize the impact should divorce happen because we all know that divorce statistics and numbers are not a deterrent in itself.

What measures can be put in place should divorce happen? (these are some of my suggestions)
Get to know the person for years before even considering marriage or living together because nothing shows the real person and their flaws like time.
But people also change over time so then make sure they earn as much or more than you so that they have as much to lose or even more than you at a breakdown of the marriage.
Stay at home parents with no jobs or income puts their partners at the worst financial position in divorce. The working partner will have to maintain their lifestyle in case of divorce. That is a nightmare.
Perimenopause and menopause? Ditto
Communication is essential in marriage. Handling disagreements gracefully is an art (Gottman 4 horses of divorce indicators. Know them and study their antidotes. Free on the internet)
Ensure happiness comes from within at all times.

nutscrape · 2026-01-08T20:29:33+00:00

For me I'm the opposite viewpoint. It's motivated me to teach my kids about toxic and abusive behavior and manipulation tactics.

Can they recognize DARVO, bread crumbing? Can they recognize that those that are dishonest in one aspect of their life are likely to be dishonest in other aspects of their life? Can they identify people that reject accountability in their lives?

Those are warning signs I was never taught to look for. I am teaching my kids differently than I was taught.

Despite what happened to me, marriage and relationships are things I hope for for myself in the future. And I hope my kids experience the positives too. I hope those lessons will help insulate them from the toxic people they should avoid.

So, I hope to encourage them to have a relationships and marry, after giving them that foundation.

ng_rddt · 2026-01-08T19:39:29+00:00

Let me ask you a question: what if I told you that there is an activity that you do that has an 80% chance of causing you severe injury or death during your lifetime? Would you tell your kids to stop doing it?

That activity is: driving a car, or being a passenger in a car.

Now, chances are that you will NOT tell your kids to never set foot inside a car. Instead, you tell your kids to wear a seatbelt, do not drive while drunk or with a person who is intoxicated, preferably get in a car with a person who has a destination in mind and directions, and other general safety tips.

I think the same applies for marriage. Many (not all) of us are on this forum because we drove with a drunk or didn't wear our seatbelts or the driver didn't agree with our "destination".

As a father, our role is to advise our kids (and one could argue that their job is to ignore it). I personally think marriage is a great idea IF you want to have kids (i.e., a destination that justifies the activity) AND you negotiate a pre-nup before marriage (also called a "seatbelt") AND you make sure your partner is worthy of marriage (i.e., not a drunk). Sadly, young men are never taught this. And who failed to teach us this? Our fathers and the other adult men in our life.

But now, we are the fathers and it will be an interesting question as to whether we do a better job...

UnableStranger590 · 2026-01-08T17:22:41+00:00

I have a few friends who never got married but have enjoyed long, good, relationships, and with having kids. I'm going to tell my son that marriage is a scam, cite my friends, and that there is no need to ever, ever get married. Sure, have a big fuck off party to celebrate your love if your partner feels she's missing out on a 'marriage', but never get the fucking state involved. And if she gives you an ultimatum - get married or else - then thank her for the huge red flag and move on. Love should be enough, no one needs a fucking state-sponsored certificate.

Character-Change-507 · 2026-01-08T14:46:11+00:00

If I ever have a kid no fucking way in hell I'm letting them go through the same slaughter house I did

Dry_Yogurt2458 · 2026-01-08T14:03:07+00:00

I tell them the truth - Marriage is an outdated custom that is of no benefit to either party. Live together, share your life together, buy property together. but why tie yourself together legally only for some blood sucking legal parasite to make money from the end of your relationship.

Character_Pop_6628 · 2026-01-08T12:42:47+00:00

I will be telling my kids the truth. What I have learned is that women between age 35 and 45 instinctually engage in relationship sabotage due to their being in a high-risk pregnancy category. They often need to be alone during this period. They become intolerable and repel all but the top 1% idealized man and complain about you to repulse you. When they are at their most fertile and best physical health to survive pregnancy and childbirth in the wild (22-24 years old) they are more than willing and even desperate to get married to one particular man and by age 35 most of them nolonger are interested by their sex-drive, which changes dramatically. Teenagers go through emotional periods and women 35-45 do too. Those who didn't ended up pregnant more often and died in childbirth, during pregnancy or had very high rates of birth defects with born children. Getting pregnant 35-45 years old is about as bad as incest for the rates of birth defects. This is why it's instinct.

FUMoney · 2026-01-08T08:27:12+00:00

I don’t want to ruin their view of love

Marriage is about money, property, assets and splitting it all after divorce. Go read any jurisdiction's laws concerning "marriage." It's all about divorce, not "marriage."

Title	What do tell your kids (sons) about marriage?
Author	EnvironmentalRate853
Upvotes	10
Comments	25
Date	January 8, 2026 7:05 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q754d8/what_do_tell_your_kids_sons_about_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-tell-your-kids-sons-about-marriage.1570706 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570706

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