As a men’s dating coach, I get to hear things most men don’t even tell their closest friends and lately I’ve been noticing a pattern that honestly concerns me.

And it's not the extreme stuff like black pills or incels because I don’t even really encounter those guys, they’re not my audience. 

It’s actually the normal every day dudes and let me tell you about a guy I met two weeks ago and the conversation I had with him. Let’s call him Bruno.

So this guy had just exited a relationship, and he was the one that broke up with the girl. When I asked Bruno why, he told me quite normal reasons: you know, sex wasn’t the best, the connection wasn’t that strong, the girl was pretty insecure, so he was frustrated, and just didn’t want to continue.

So far that makes perfect sense.

But then Bruno started saying this - “Well, it’s not that bad. I mean, I can get some girls. I can get into some relationships.”

And THIS IS the destructive mindset for everyday guys - telling yourself “it’s not that bad” while in reality wanting for things to be better.

Because if you tell yourself well, it’s not that bad, you won’t take the necessary action to improve things.

When Bruno told me this, I immediately told him - well isn’t this the actual problem that you can get some girls, but not the ones that you really like. Isn’t that the reason you are here on the call?

Because this wasn't Bruno’s first relationship that ended like this. He was on this loop of getting in a relationship with a girl he knows he doesn’t really like the girl that much, but he has spent all this time, setting up profile from the apps, going on all these dates, finally arrived to a point where a girl is telling yes to him and he can’t say no because he doesn’t want to do all of that miserable process again.

So Bruno knows doesn’t really like the girl, but he stays with her. Then over time, he starts seeing this more clearly - sex isn’t really the best, connection is weak, he can’t bring the girl to hang out with his friends because she is too insecure and Bruno’s is just bored. Not only is he bored, he is disappointed at himself for allowing himself to be in this relationship that he already knew he shouldn’t be in but he chose to be in due to fear of not finding anyone else.

And now Bruno feels like he wasted all this time in a below average relationship.

This is why it’s so destructive - because initially it doesn’t feel that bad but over time it chips away at you. You can fool anyone else, but not yourself.

And these are not my words, this is what Bruno told me himself after he really opened up and looked honestly in the mirror. 

He admitted to himself that he is choosing women out of fear. Not because he genuinely wants them, but because he’s afraid he won’t find another option. In other words, he was settling.

And that’s the interesting thing - people believe it’s the incels that are the most miserable because they don’t date any women but oftentimes it’s not the case because they have sort of convinced themselves that is just not possible for them to date women that they sort of remove it from their reality. 

And the real pain lives with the guy who can get girls, but not the girls he truly wants. The guy who knows he’s capable of more, but doesn’t act on it. The guy who keeps choosing option B or C because option A required him to do something that scares him.

And that’s what creates this frustration.

Because once you normalize moderate success, you stop pushing for what you actually want. And you slowly start shrinking your standards to match your fear.

You’re telling yourself “it’s not that bad” because if you admit it is bad, then you have to actually have to change something and step outside your comfort zone.