11 years marriage in california. 5 year old kid. We were in a dead bedroom for 5 years, I tried all from my end but daily nagging from her and no support along with 0 intimacy. We slept in separate beds never hugged or cuddled. Every time i initiated it was rejection and ridicule. I coped by using sex workers over 2 years.

She found out ans has screenshots hotel reservations etc. she conspired with a colleague (she emotionally was always more available to him) to track my car and pur tags, pay for PI etc. i saw their chats and confronted him on why he got involved in my private life. She blew up and decided to file.

It was my decision. I fully own it. I was deceptive and have to deal with consequences. I am just heartbroken I ruined my kids life. I cant do anything about the past. Working on myself. Therapy, joined SAA and trying to be my best here on. I have history of being sexually abused as child so I have something rotten in my brain. Due to all this got fired from last 2 jobs. Joined one last week. On day 4 of new job got served divorce papers.

Her lawyer is most aggressive in the area. We are both decent income but I make 1.5-2x more than her. I paid for all expenses most of our marriage so she has significantly more savings than me.

She is not shaming me that I am a piece of shit that ruined her life and cheated on her and should decline 50-50 because of this. I am yet to talk to a lawyer. We share a house and will likely need to sell it but it will not get us any equity due to repairs and agent commissions.

She has had lot of time to process and decide so she is steadfast. I have begged for a chance and reconcile but she havent even agreed to couples therapy. I am 2 days into grieving and dying. Feeling pretty worthless and suicidal. I am responsible for it but its very hard to handle. Any advice? M 42, F42 california.