Field Report: Threesome on a first date

My craziest dating story is about the night I had a threesome on a first date. The short version of the story is that I invited a woman I met on a dating app to a bar near my apartment. We immediately hit it off, and within an hour and a half of meeting we were passionately kissing in a dark corner of the bar. After another 30 minutes, I took my date to a second bar and there, a random woman walked over to my date, started chatting with her, and asked where we were going afterwards. The rest is history. It was awesome.

A few weeks later, however, I found myself in the exact opposite situation – I was on a date with a different woman I met on the same app, but this one seemed completely disinterested. She was giving me nothing in terms of conversation so the whole date became me asking boring questions: Where do you work? Where are you from? How is your drink? As I struggled to get some kind of interesting conversation going, my date sat across the table from me with her arms crossed, gave one-word answers to my questions, and rolled her eyes at my jokes. The date was going so badly I considered ending it and going home.  

But first, I went to the bathroom. The mere presence of an attractive woman can evoke strong emotions in men, so whenever I am worried I might make an emotion-driven decision around a woman I go somewhere quiet to be alone and think clearly. In the bathroom I splashed some water on my face and decided to stick out the rest of the date. At the same time, however, I decided I would talk about whatever the fuck I felt like talking about. I was finished caring about what she thought.

I went back to the table and used one of my own methods: whenever a conversation (or an interaction in general) gets boring, you should change the subject of the conversation or the activity itself to something you think both you and her will find most emotionally stimulating in that moment, something preferably connected to the immediate situation you are in with her (with the obvious exception of talking about how much you want to bend her over and fuck her brains out). If you have no idea what she would find emotionally stimulating in that moment, pick something that is emotionally stimulating for YOU as if you were just talking to one of your guy friends. If she does not find your topic appealing, keep changing the subject until you find something that sticks. And if you absolutely cannot find something you both want to talk about (or do), something is wrong. You either need to become more interesting or find a girl you have more in common with.

In that moment, the most emotionally stimulating thing I could think of was how crazy dating is in New York City so I shifted the conversation to that subject and in response, my date laughed and told a mildly interesting story about some date she went on. I patiently waited for her to finish her stupid story, and as soon as she was finished, I told the story about the night I had a threesome. Before that night, I would have never told a woman on a first date that I had a threesome on a different first date, but I figured I had already blown it so I might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

To my surprise, my date’s entire vibe shifted as I told the story. She uncrossed her arms, leaned in towards me, cracked a huge smile, and listened intently, hanging onto every word. I can honestly say that no woman has ever been as interested in something I was saying. After I finished the story, she peppered me with questions about the dirtiest details. What positions did we do? Did they both suck my dick at the same time? Did I cum in their mouths? Did they both end up spending the night? In my mind, that story marked the moment that made her go from uninterested to interested in me. (She later claimed that she started to like me when I told her I liked a certain philosopher, but I don’t believe that.)

The threesome story was a hard act to follow, so to keep the emotional high going I suggested we go to a second bar. She agreed and we went. And right when we walked into the second bar, my date grabbed my arm, eagerly pointed to a random woman standing at the bar by herself, and whispered in my ear, “let’s pick her up.” I could not believe it – was I going to have another threesome on a first date? I approached the random woman, who was interested in talking to us, but was way too drunk, so I ended the interaction. My date and I, however, ended up having crazy sex that night.

I was confused. Why would telling a story about a threesome spike a woman’s interest so dramatically? I assumed my date was just a crazy weirdo, but later I told that story to other women, even women I was not dating, they also became more interested in me. Why?

The answer is simple: The main driver of womens’ sexual attraction is emotional experiences. Womens’ sexual attraction is driven by emotion, not by a rational analysis of your merits, which means that you can be the tallest, richest, best-looking guy in the world, but if you do not create an appealing emotional experience, women will not give a shit about you. Beautiful women ignore, reject, and treat like shit attractive guys all the time because those guys bore them and even worse, women regularly choose losers that are objectively worse than attractive guys in every way for no other reason that the loser created an attractive emotional experience and the attractive guy did not.

In fact, the only reason that “game” is necessary is because women need a powerful, fun, emotionally resonant emotional experience with you before they like you, care about you, emotionally invest in you, and want to have sex with you. If women did not need emotional experiences you could just hand them a resume with a list of your traits, accomplishments and references and call it a day. But that obviously does not work. For a woman’s pussy to get wet for you, she needs to do something fun with you. In practice, this means you often need to leave the world of rationality, logic, and reality behind and enter a world of fantasy, drama, power struggles, and emotional ups and downs.

In my life, I have had many women became extremely obsessed with me. When I look back at these relationships, it was never because I impressed them with my money or status, took them to fancy dinners, or did nice guy favors for them. Instead, they fell in love after we enjoyed genuinely fun and interesting experiences together. In one case, we spent hours looking up information about the Unabomber on the internet, in another we spent weeks playing a game where we tried to invent new slang terms, in a third we went on a memorable trip to a third world country together. These experiences were genuinely memorable and fun for me and her, and to this day we still talk about them. These are the experiences that cement sexual attraction, not the fact that you paid $300 for an overpriced sushi dinner.

So how does one create attractive emotional experiences for women?

Well, human emotions are obviously extremely complicated and there are almost infinite ways to characterize what an “appealing” emotional experience would be to a woman. But I have found in my experience that the best way to understand attractive emotional experiences is to divide them into two different categories: Adventure and Acceptance. There are obviously other ways to understand emotional experiences, but I have found that Adventure and Acceptance is the best paradigm for me and my clients.

Adventure is simply the feeling that you are on a journey (or preferably, many journeys) to obtain a valuable resource (or preferably, many valuable resources). The journeys can be your career, your hobbies, your relationships, or even an adventure to go to a music festival and have a fun night. As I will hopefully make clear, the specific journeys you go on and the specific resources you obtain are not nearly as important as the feelings you generate, and if you get womens’ dopamine flowing, they will appreciate whatever Adventure you were on.

The other prong of an attractive emotional experience is Acceptance. Acceptance is the feeling that you have accepted the woman into your “tribe,” which means that you will reward her for her contributions to your purposes and your emotional experience (which are ultimately the same thing), whether it be with attention, compliments, resources, invitations to do things, and so forth. The most important perk of being Accepted, however, is the feeling that she is part of your Adventures and can enjoy the positive emotions that come with pursuing those Adventures. Ultimately, Acceptance means that she can enter a world and have experiences she cannot get anywhere else.

For example, if a woman puts on a hot dress and make-up to come meet you for a date, “Acceptance” requires you to compliment her on how she looks, pay her some attention, ask about her day, buy her at least one drink, and make her feel included on some Adventure that you are on. She made the effort to look good for you and come meet you somewhere, so you must make her feel like her efforts will be noticed and rewarded. If a woman makes a meaningful effort to win your validation and you do not reward her, she will eventually feel rejected by you, which will cause her to give up and look for validation somewhere else. Women will chase an attractive man for a long time, but they will not chase him forever.

One of the biggest challenges of game is striking the right balance when providing Adventure and Acceptance because they are very different emotions and require men to act in completely different ways. Generally speaking, Adventure appeals to the part of the woman that desires a badass alpha male that is competent, confident, dominant, focused on his mission, and even a little cruel and heartless. On the other hand, Acceptance appeals to the part of the woman that wants a man to love her, care for her, pay her attention, and make her feel all fuzzy wuzzy with compliments and affection. As I will explain, most guys fail with women because they fail to provide the proper amount of Adventure and Acceptance at the right times.

When viewed through the paradigm of Adventure and Acceptance, it should make sense why the threesome story was so interesting to women.

First, the threesome story had the elements of a great Adventure: There was novelty because, for most people, a threesome on a first date is strange and uncharted territory. There was also challenge because bringing home a stranger for a threesome requires navigating many pitfalls, like making sure my date does not become jealous. And of course, the Adventure had a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: hot, wild sex. I am not saying that you need to brag to women about your sexual conquests, or that every Adventure must have sex as the goal. What I am saying is that the threesome story made me attractive because it struck such powerful emotions and had such massive amounts of novelty, challenge, and pleasure.

But having a fun Adventure is not enough by itself. The thing that made those women connect to me was the fact that they felt Accepted into that Adventure. The woman on the first date was literally part of the Adventure because she participated in the threesome, and the woman on the second date FELT like she was part of it because she enjoyed the Adventure vicariously through me as I told the story. In fact, the second woman enjoyed the story so much she wanted to do it for real, which is why she tried to get me to pick up a girl too.