TRP works for married guys too. A list of lessons learned.

Was going to post this in another thread but it turned into a novel, plus that thread is old so this would likely get missed. Here’s my breakdown of TRP for guys who are, or will be, married.

A lot of this could be applied to any LTR though.

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I’ve been reading TRP since late January. Fights with my wife have mostly disappeared. We probably had a good one once or twice a month for the previous 5 years. I don't think we've had one since early February.

First step was realizing the passive aggressive game is for the birds. The next time I was mad at my wife, instead of holding it in until it boiled over, I looked her right in the eye and told her what she did was unacceptable. She initially tried to make excuses, but I ended the discussion right there. I left for work, then she texted me an apology a few hours later. Wow. Just meeting something head on made her open her eyes.

I started being a decision maker. No more "whatever you want honey..." lameness. I am pretty easy to please when it comes to choosing what's for dinner, where to take the kids this weekend, what color to paint the kitchen, etc. But I didn't realize I was also dumping all the decisions on her. I decided to be decisive. Every time I was presented with a choice I just PICKED SOMETHING, instead of constantly deferring to her. And if she complained, then give her a "well you shouldn't have asked me then". Now, if she is in the mood for something, she asks for it outright instead of expecting me to be a mind reader, else she defers to me. Amazing, for years I echoed one of the classic American husband battle cries: "I'm not a fucking mind reader!" but it fell on deaf ears. Lo and behold, taking the decision away from here and refusing to play the guessing game finally ended that stupidity.

I read in TRP: "She doesn't want to hear your problems."

Lesson: stop whining about small shit. I used to moan and groan as soon as I walked in the door about how bad traffic was, how stressful of a day at work I had, deadlines hanging over my head, etc. Useless, she could do nothing for any of those. All I was doing was walking in the door with negativity and puking it all over her and the kids.

I read in TRP: "Women are sex objects, men are success objects."

Lesson: Share your successes, even brag a little. Last month I was talking to my wife about a review at work that was coming up, and that I would likely see a 10% raise. She remarked "so 10% of your $75k?" I said no, I started at $75k, I've had TWO raises since then. She had zero recollection of me ever telling her. At first I thought she just forgot, then I was like holy shit, in the five years I've had this job, I never shared the news about my raises. Then I realized I never shared the news about closing big clients (we broke out champagne at work!) I remember going out for drinks with friends/coworkers to celebrate, but never even told my wife. I guess I was raised humble and told never to brag. I probably also had other stupid drama going on at home. So I started doing subtle brags about my status at work (I am a team lead, and hold a lot of sway with large clients). Bragged about how I went with higher ups from a Fortune 5 company to fancy restaurants and even an MLB game during the day. I basically got the message across that "I'm kind of a big deal!" in a subtle way. Even joked about how some of the females from client offices blatantly flirt with me. Upping my perceived status made a big difference. I realized my wife's entire image of me at work was the one I told her when I started the job 5 years ago: I was taking over a failing project that no one wanted because it was in the red, it was a project most partners wanted to scrap, and therefore would offer little to no help. Well that has changed; I turned it around and am now the darling of the company's partners. Why was I not sharing this? I was a hero at work, but as far as my wife could tell, I was some schlep who pounded out a shitty living in a cubicle. This reminds me of a lesson I learned in the military: The commander on the radio cannot and did not see what you saw. You can’t just report that you saw something and assume he knows what you know. You have to PAINT HIM A FUCKING PICTURE, with lots of fucking useful details.

If men are success objects like women are sex objects, then being a badass at work and bringing home good money for the wife and kids is the male version of putting on a short skirt and some fuck me boots. Just be sure to OWN THAT SHIT.

Doing these things and all of a sudden the wife is initiating sex (once in a while at least, LOL, let's be real here), something I had begged her to do for years.

Oh, and to beat a dead horse: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFT! The gut sneaks up on you. One day you see it in the mirror, and it's depressing. I set up a home gym. I’ve been doing a steady 5x5, with jogs on the off days. The results are my tummy is getting flatter and my chest and arms bigger. I look better and feel better.