Am I being insensitive here?

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June 13, 2018

I have a hard time recognizing when I’m actually being a shitty husband. Or when she’s trying to drag me into the frame of being one.

I come home from work the wife asks how my day was yadda yadda. But then she will complain I never ask her about hers. And I usually don’t. Sometimes I do but usually I don’t. It’s mostly because I don’t care enough.

Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary now the date is pretty much made up because neither of us actually remember the exact date. So it’s nothing I tend to celebrate. She reminded me then asked if we were doing something. I told her I hadn’t planned on anything I had some things to get done.

I get them done and immediately come home and pass out. I was running off 3 hours of sleep. She didn’t make a big deal but did say something about it. And it got me thinking.

Am I being a shitty husband? Should I be doing all this stuff? What are the guidelines (we’ll say) that some of you follow for the stuff you’re doing for your wives?

Post Information
Title Am I being insensitive here?
Author InconspicuousWand
Upvotes 8
Comments 36
Date 13 June 2018 08:48 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

It sounds like you aren't engaging with her enough. It doesn't really matter what you do (celebrate anniversary or not), but you have to engage with her on some kind of level, otherwise she will start to get bored of just sitting around while you do your own thing.

I don't give a shit about my girlfriends day or how it went, but I ask her because it gives me a chance to tease her, play around, engage with her and give her different emotions. You don't want to be an emotional tampon but if she's not talking to and engaging with you, she will find someone who is willing and if they're more fun than you then your turn with her will be over quickly.

You can have all the abs and square jaws in the world but if you never do anything or talk to your wife she won't want to fuck you.

[–]awyden15 points16 points  (6 children) | Copy

Two approaches. If you go with the women are the biggest children in the room approach. How would you feel if your dad never talked to you or cared about what was going on in your life?

If we take the first mate approach. How well would a ship function if the captain didn't care what the first mate was doing?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

Key takeaway: Always give a single fuck.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Or get zero fucks

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

So it really is, all about the fucks.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Most things in life are about money or sex, often both.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I thought it was sex and violence.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think that's the non fungible stuff.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

The question isn’t whether you’re being a shitty husband. It’s whether you’re being a great one. Acting aloof and disconnected from your spouse definitely isn’t great. Great is: working together toward a shared vision, exchanging information and advice often to improve both of your efforts toward that goal AND sharing this experience we call “life”.

If you’re just going to and fro minding your own business, and occasionally fuck each other, you’re just roommates who happen to also be FWB. She wants connection and emotional intimacy and you aren’t providing it.

By not providing this, you’re setting yourself up for a comfort test that could be easily avoided. So get your head out of your own ass and engage with her more. If you just don’t enjoy her company in that way, you probably need to ask yourself why you’re married in the first place.

[–]InconspicuousWand1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thank you this is what I was looking for.

I do engage a lot. We hangout and do stuff together almost always on our days off and in down time.

Thats were I come to the point where

“Am I doing enough?” Or “is she asking too much?”

She does this thing where I’ll be in a loving mood. And she acts like she doesn’t want anything to do with it. Then she’s in a loving mood and I won’t be as loving and she tells me she wants me to be like that loving person again. It’s like we can’t join them times both together for some reason

[–]Reach180Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She does this thing where I’ll be in a loving mood. And she acts like she doesn’t want anything to do with it. Then she’s in a loving mood and I won’t be as loving and she tells me she wants me to be like that loving person again.

This is the essence of the male/female dynamic right here. She wants to be chased. She's testing if you are just reacting to her, or if you are being your genuine self.

If you're following, which you are - obvious by how you describe it - then you're in her frame.

[–]InconspicuousWand0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Aite I really need to work on that I’ve read probably every post there is to read about frame and still do this shit.

[–]rocknrollchuck9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

In my marriage, I personally take the approach of sharing a few positive things that happened at work, as well some of the challenges I faced. I don't do this every day - instead, I direct the conversation back to her and her day so she can tell me about what's on her mind. I occasionally open up and talk about a bunch of stuff that happened on a particularly eventful day, but I am always mindful to keep it positive in a "These were the challenges I faced today, and this is how I overcame them" way.

A wife wants to experience feelings by connecting on an emotional level with her husband. It's up to you to make the effort to do that if you're not currently.

Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary. it’s nothing I tend to celebrate. She reminded me then asked if we were doing something. I told her I hadn’t planned on anything I had some things to get done.

You do you, but I don't think this is a good approach if you want a good relationship. You want a sexual connection, she wants an emotional one. You're not connecting emotionally by forgetting your anniversary, are you?

I was running off 3 hours of sleep.

What happened here? Seems like you're setting yourself up for failure.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

One note, it doesn't help if you hate your job. There was a time long ago where I worked in a job I hated. Every day I would come home from work, and every day my wife would ask me "So, how was work?"

I would be like "I don't want to talk about it!". I know now that I should have STFUed, not shown weakness, and fixed my own problem, but that was a long time ago.

Having a job you hate eats at your relationship.

[–]broneilbro4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was me. I had a well paying job that I self victimized and carried a lot of negative energy home. Took it out on my wife and kid and I'm responsible for it. I cared too much about my job and trying to fix everything.

I remember how it gave me a 140/100 BP and a shitload of weight gain. I was ugly and no wonder why my wife thought I was a bitch.

Women think emotionally and if you drop negative emotions on them they will look elsewhere...

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is so true. I remember those days well.

[–]TurdDoctor3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are asking the wrong question. It's not about whether or not you are a shitty husband. Are you living the life you want to live and are you fucking? I'm guessing you didn't get laid on your anniversary?

[–]FlyingSexistPig2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

A good husband takes care of shit.

I'm guessing that you knew about the anniversary before the day before it happened. So have shit like flowers just taken care of, if you are too busy to handle it yourself, the day of. Call your local florist and have it delivered, automatically charging your credit card, every f*cking year. You don't have to think about it, and she can take pictures of that shit and post in on instagram or some shit.

It's not that you're not doing anything, it's that all her friends who are asking her what she's doing for her anniversary are making her feel crappy about it.

You still don't have to feel one way or the other about it, but acknowledge that this isn't how your wife's hamster works.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

There's no reason you need to be following the hard dates like Valentines Day, Mothers day, or even an anniversary. But usually that's because you're normally a fun guy and being with you is a special day.

You don't sound fun at all. You can choose to be that way, no judgement, but women run on feels and if you aren't providing them...well...

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's becoming cliche how people take away the exact wrong lesson from the Skittles man story.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The wrong lesson and/or the thought that as long as they check the skittles box, their woman should then display all the associated traits of the skittles man''s girl. Equal outcome for unequal do it too.

[–]DanG32 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Absolutely not being an asshole!! No need to exert yourself. PM me with her cell number. I’ll take care of this for you.

[–]johneyapocalypse1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Red pill coach has some decent advice in this area. In the past, I wasn't terribly interested in anything she had to say... she's just a a very different person walking a very different path and I couldn't (or at least didn't) muster the energy to pay attention.

I now actively listen, I pay attention, and I've found that I can be every bit as interested as a I choose to be. It has helped immensely.

I have scaled back on "celebrations" choosing instead to make every day, week, and month as interesting as possible. With that said, I don't tend to ignore them or forget them entirely.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop being a sperg.

Source: Someone who knows.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Are you married?


If you want to be alone between times you fuck a woman, then do that.

[–]InconspicuousWand-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

So if I was married I’m not allowed to have alone time? It isn’t always but we live together so I still like alone time

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Am I being insensitive here?”

No. just a faggot.

You sound boring as fuck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think the true answer here is it depends. How’s she been acting lately? Does she deserve to be given positive attention? Has she been supportive of you as captain? Only you can decide how much effort she deserves, but as the mod said eventually she’ll get bored of being ignored and you find yourself facing papers. Good luck.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

OP, you didn't give any background or whether you're following the program, etc. Whether you need to celebrate anniversaries or not depends on your particular relationship - sounds like it's important to her, though her bringing it up is probably actually less about the anniversary and more about general lacking attention to her. Give her the afternoon she needs, or she will look for it elsewhere. Women want to know that a high quality man cares about them. If you're Chad Thundercock, you might be able to keep her around as a fuck doll only, but I'm guessing you're not Chad (and I'm guessing you married her for more than just sex). Make a effort, or someone else will.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I never ask her about hers. And I usually don’t.

I don't really get it, maybe I'm different. I always ask about her day, every night in bed she lays on my chest and we discuss her day. I want to know how my girl is doing. This is the verbal intercourse she needs, just like the physical intercourse you need.

She reminded me then asked if we were doing something. I told her I hadn’t planned on anything I had some things to get done.

So much failure...Of course you should plan something, she should be excited to know that she has a real man who has everything under control, so she can focus on being your good submissive wife. "I dunno" is the worst fucking thing a man can say.

I was running off 3 hours of sleep

Oh, poor baby. Do you want an award? Pussy

And being a shitty husband.

Yes, and moreso a shitty man.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy


Why does that bother you when you need sleep?

[–]InconspicuousWand0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I workout a lot. I work a lot. I run gear. I need my sleep or I literally become useless and can’t even get off the couch to shower. I can’t keep my eyes open

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I know why you need sleep, dumb ass. I'm asking why anything else enters your concern when you do.

Its one of those "boundary" things. Also frame.

[–]InconspicuousWand0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t know to be honest. I understand what you’re saying.

I guess I sleep a lot. I’m always tired Bc of my day and she complains all I do is sleep. And I guess I’m worried I’m being a shitty husband because of it

[–]Reach180Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not celebrating anniversaries doesn't mean you are being a shitty husband.

I cut this anniversary & valentines day shit out as an antidote to the overcompensating shit I did pre-unplugging. Wife is happier now.

She likes Milk Duds better than skittles, so I usually go that route.

[–]creating_my_life-5 points-4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm guessing you're not buff, lean, well-groomed, and live an awesome life.

She's asking you to entertain her. "Dance, monkey, dance!". Why should you?

If she valued you, SHE would have made all the anniversary plans.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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