I have been at this for nearly a year. So, I am pretty sure I already know what the answer will be from the group here since I have followed this subreddit pretty closely. I have received really good advice here throughout the last 12 months. But, when it is happening to you I think it is always good to take a step back and make sure I don't have tunnel vision here as I am no expert and there are others here who have navigated these waters before. So, I am looking for guidance and suggestions.
TLDR; Wife sent a text saying she would like to go to couples counseling this morning
Married 14 years with 4 kids. 6'0" 175lbs 12.5% BF. Muscle increasing steadily as I started from 150lbs three years ago being skinny fat. Still smaller than I would like, but enough to look good when out and about and I do get interest. I have started talking and flirting with women, but I have not yet gone into catch and release.
I found the red pill almost exactly one year ago. Wife had always had a lower sex drive than me, but drip fed me enough sex thru my blue pill days that even though I was frustrated I didn't do anything to rock the boat. My low point was probably after our fourth child was born three years ago and she was breast feeding. Sex was so non-existent that I had three wet dreams as a grown ass man. I am a career beta.
Almost two years ago, the wife told me that she wanted another child. I am done having more. I love our four kids, but I am not having any more as my hands are full. Each pregnancy she goes into pre-term labor and subsquently bedrest for about 4-5 months. As captain of the ship, taking care of everything falls onto my lap. It is a sacrifice that I have made for four kids already, but I am unwilling to do it a fifth time. I handled much of her request poorly for the better part of a year and kept going back and forth with dead-end conversations. She increasingly grew in frustration and resentment towards me. I mean, why wasn't her dutiful sperm-donor servant boy suddenly not cooperating.
Each month the situation that was at a standstill would worsen and even though she was applying pressure I still felt that five was too many and stood my ground albeit with weak ass frame. Then, my wife avoided kissing me and I started realizing that it had been months since she had uttered an unsolicited "I love you". Googled and somehow stumbled across this subreddit and the sidebar.
At that point, it all made sense. My failures and ways I had tried to get my way before were 100% wrong. I was wrong. I inhaled the sidebar and I have been through these books and many other red pill books. Finally, I grew enough balls to have a sit down with the wife in March of last year and with as much frame as I had at that time told her that child number five wasn't going to happen. Snot bubbles, crying, etc.
Continued on my MAP, reading the sidebar, and coming here soaking in everything that I could. I started going to the gym rather than working out at home. I have completely reworked my wardrobe and I wear form fitting clothes that fit properly and that I look good in. I get my haircut every 2-3 weeks now. I always smell good and look good throughout the whole day.
I started working on SGM. I was soooooo passive in the bedroom before. I started ramping up the dominance slightly, but consistently. I had never received a blow job ever in the first 13 years of marriage. Though the number is still unimpressive, I have received two in the last few months which is progress. I have introduced sex toys, light hair pulling, light spanking, and many other things that have been received well. I know I am no sex god, but there has been improvement considering where I have come.
Wife was a tyrant at home with the kids prior to this. I would sheepishly allow her to go on her tirades afraid to rock the boat. The house walked on eggshells around her. I am proud to say that these tirades have stopped and I have control of the home from this aspect now. That dirty work mostly occurred during the first 6 months of MRP and I have had to do some, but very little in this respect the last 6 months. She has become a much kinder mother and doesn't seem to spiral out of control like she did before at times.
Overall, I am personally much healthier and happier. I feel liberated from the nice guy tendencies I have always had. I feel more in control of my life and my own happiness. So, as I have improved, I have felt much much better. I never would go out with guy friends. I know get out at least once a week or so. I go shooting. I play basketball. I golf now. These were all things that I had given up to be the good little boy and lap dog that would cater to my wife.
My wife has actually made some improvements as well. She started seeing a doctor and discovered that she has hashimotos which is an autoimmune disorder in which antibodies attack her thyroid. She has completely changed her diet and gone gluten and diary free. She has started excercising and is overall more healthy. Sex in the last 11 months has been overall higher than what we typically had in the prior years of marriage. Her previous cycle we had honestly as much sex as I could handle. Between working out and the sex we were having I was spent.
Then she crashed about 4 weeks ago. She became depressed, moody, and completely uninterested in sex. I honestly probably failed the comfort tests here, but I have grown tired of these over the years. Though she is at least kissing me still, it feels almost as if we are back where we started. In the next couple of days, it will be about 4 weeks since the last time we had sex. I haven't initiated either. I haven't had a desire to with her like this.
About 3 or 4 days ago, she talked to me before bed. Snot bubbles again and that she feels invisible. She was offended that I went and played basketball the prior week when she was struggling and having a hard day. I did my best to STFU, but also tried to provide her with comfort. I think she wanted me to give up basketball though she never directly stated it which I never gave her any indication that I would (we only have one more week in the season anyways). I don't think I handled this well as usually after a successful comfort test she will just kind of melt into my arms. That didn't happen last time. I also, knowing that she has never fully let go of the idea of one more child (she believes God told her this was going to happen), so I brought this up again and reminded her of my position. She kept talking and I mostly STFU to let her get her emotions out. Despite my firmness, she has always taken the approach that somehow, someway, that if she has faith that there will be a fifth child. So, it is clear she has never let it go and I question if she ever will. I think the comfort test about basketball really wasn't about basketball.
So, as we were laying there with her on my chest sobbing, I say "How long do you think we can keep going like this?" I have never insinuated that divorce was on option and I know that it should never be brought up until you are sure that is where you are headed. But, I believe my rhetorical question was clear that if she kept this shit show up we weren't going to be together much longer and that it was an inevitibility. As soon as the words finished leaving my mouth, the snot bubbles and sniffles stopped immediately and she got really quiet. Interesting how quickly she was able to shut the water works off.
To me, it feels like we are nearing a main event which seems right on schedule if I have correctly followed MRP. I feel I simply need to hold my ground here. I think she also senses that her control is slipping. I believe this is where the marriage counseling is coming into play. I think she is also trying to figure out a way to get another kid.
If you managed to make it through that wall of text, and now knowing my background, if you were in my shoes and received a text about going to counseling how would you respond? My initial reply will likely be "We'll talk later". I'm not doing that over text. So, I guess I am asking beyond that what would you do?