The wife and kids are gone to the in-laws for the holidays and I'm here alone with just the dog and Reddit. It's nice and quiet, just need to shovel the walk and do a bit of paperwork today then order some Dominos as a reward for those monumental tasks. I've been absorbing the shit out of this sub for the past few days. This may be what y'all call victim puke or maybe by the time I'm done typing there may be an actual question to address. In any case, your advice and/or opinions will be appreciated
We got married young, both at 21, and had our first kid at 22. (Our kids are 14 and 12 now) The root of our issues is most certainly the lack of time I gave her over 15 years, and I see that, but it doesn't forgive her betrayal.
I worked for my fathers small landscaping company since I was in elementary school, and by the time I was in my mid twenties I had, for all intents and purposes, taken the reins. We've since quadrupled the size of the company and moved into different industries. We still do residential and commercial landscaping, which is my fathers real love, but we now subcontract our equipment/operators out to pipeline and oil-lease companies, which has been lucrative, to say the least. It involved working obsessively for several years to the point that there was nothing else in my life. I'm starting to slow down now, but I think the damage that's been done to my personal life is irreparable.
I see a lot of talk about alpha and beta around here. Personally, I think that's over-simplifying things, but for the sake of the argument, from a professional stand point, I'm alpha as fuck. With my wife, I suppose I am Beta? I admittedly leave any household decisions up to her, more out of a "don't bother me, I'm busy" headspace, I suppose. I certainly could have been involved more with the kids. The vacations were always good, but day to day, I could have done better. Looking back, I guess I can see how I leave her high and dry without a leader.
A couple months ago, I got a suspicion that she was cheating. There were signs. I hired a Private investigator (cringe as fuck, I know) and yeah, she was and still is. I haven't said anything yet to my wife or anybody else, save for my father. A part of me wants to fucking bury her in revenge, and a part of me wants to go back and change things, though it's not possible. Right now, I'm 70-30 on a divorce, and I've retained a divorce lawyer. I'm currently trying to insulate myself financially from this.
I just re-read what I just wrote, and it sounds so matter-of-fact. The truth is, this is killing me. I might go rent an escort tonight, or maybe just drink myself into oblivion.