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Information too late ...

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Red-Curious
September 1, 2017
7 upvotes
askMRP

For all of you looking to take some nice pot-shots at me, here you go.

My wife's getting ready for bed. I initiate. As usual, she brings up that she's only been on the mini-pill for 3 weeks and her doctor said it's not effective for the first 4. I've repeatedly told her I'm not worried about it. Literally every legit website plus a doctor I talked to in person have all said 48 hours, not 28 days. She gets worked up about this discrepancy. I'm not worried about it. So, I proceed and she readily obliges.

About 30 minutes in, she stops me and says, "Just so you know, I'm ovulating right now." I say, "I know." She asks how and I just say, "The little things." That really turns her on and we continue. She stops me again and says, "Well, just in case, you probably shouldn't finish inside." I'm cool with that - I wasn't planning on it anyway (I like to change it up frequently). After we're eventually done, she starts worrying because it hasn't been the full 28 days yet. So, I pull up the webmd article that says 48 hours to allay her concerns - "Whether you're just starting or if you miss a pill, it's effective 48 hours afterward."

She laughs and drops: "Oh, well I forgot to take my pill yesterday."

Although I didn't finish inside her, she starts bringing up the sperm in my natural lubricant. I tell her I'm not worried about it and she shouldn't be either. Another passionate kiss and I'm in the basement to screw around on reddit and get some work done.

Now, I have 2 key concerns:

  1. She didn't know I knew she was ovulating and waited until half way through to tell me.

  2. She didn't tell me she missed a pill until afterward.

I'm confident she doesn't want to get pregnant again right now (we just had a baby in June and both agreed no more). I'm also not really worried about her being pregnant after tonight. So, maybe there's no problem. But, her failure to disclose important information is certainly a serious concern and I'm pretty confident you'll all agree that risking having another child unexpectedly is not the time for the DNGAF attitude.

Is this simply a matter of communicating clearer boundaries (i.e. "You need to tell me when you miss a pill beforehand from now on") or is there some other way I should be responding? Or is this a "no harm, no foul" situation and I should just ignore it? I'm not worked up, but my RP-senses are telling me I shouldn't just ignore this. [Note: My vasec appointment isn't until the end of September - I haven't mentioned that I scheduled it to her yet.]


Post Information
Title Information too late ...
Author Red-Curious
Upvotes 7
Comments 86
Date 01 September 2017 04:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205548
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6xca1j/information_too_late/
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Comments

[–]Alphaphux17 points18 points  (16 children) | Copy

She expressed concern numerous times that she didn't want to get pregnant. You dismissed it the same amount of times (I.e you don't care if she gets pregnant) and then try and make out that it's her the one fucking you over...

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

She expressed concern numerous times that she didn't want to get pregnant.

People who don't want to get pregannt don't forget a pill.

Ignore what she says, watch what she does. She didn't want to fuck, the pregnancy was an excuse. Just like the high school girl who tells the teacher 'girl problems' expecting him to let her skip class because periods are yucky

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (12 children) | Copy

she starts bringing up the sperm in my natural lubricant.

First off, men don't have natural lubricant. If you're talking about precum, then okay, but that's not natural lubricant.

Second, you just acted like you don't care if she gets pregnant at least like four times, but now you don't understand why she didn't tell you that she missed her pill and that she was ovulating. That doesn't make any sense.

Third, why haven't you told her about getting a vasectomy? There's not really any valid reason for that.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

We talked about me getting it done and she attended the initial consult with me, but I didn't schedule the actual procedure until a couple days ago.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Third, why haven't you told her about getting a vasectomy?

You didn't answer my question, and none of what you said excuses not telling her yet.

My point is that you are complaining about her bad communication, but you're illustrating bad communication as well.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True. Good point.

[–]AustralianArm0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Have you had it done yet?

[–]Red-Curious[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

No. It's at the end of September.

[–]AustralianArm4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

YOU need to be more careful about where YOU put YOUR sperm.

Never leave responsibility for birth control in other people's hands (or mouths).

Up until you've been given the all clear that the snip is successful, be more careful.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

do you take your mom to all your doctor appointments

[–]anythingincRed Beret6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Two points to remember:

  • Doesn't matter, had good sex

Yeah, we get into each other's heads here at MRP, but the ultimate goal is to get out of them. To have the value and frame and attractiveness and harmony of mind/body/purpose to NOT fuck around with mind games or have to live in our own heads.

I don't call upon the proverbial "Chad" very much; but he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't need to weasel, he doesn't need to second guess or ruminate, he doesn't care about your chess game because he's going to yell "BINGO!" and win the prize anyway while you're moving your little rooks around.

  • Women play chess, betas play checkers, alphas don't need to play (or if they do, it's their own game for their own amusement)

My vasec appointment isn't until the end of September - I haven't mentioned that I scheduled it to her yet....We talked about me getting it done and she attended the initial consult with me, but I didn't schedule the actual procedure until a couple days ago.

Your wife is NOT stupid. She knows this vasectomy thing is hanging in the air, and wants to know what is going on, or at least couldn't get out of her head and get fucked good while it is up in the air (women, lol, amiright).

Lets have sex!

I've only been on the mini-pill for 3 weeks and her doctor said it's not effective for the first 4. (You get your vasectomy yet?)

I'm not worried about it.

Just so you know, I'm ovulating right now. (You get a vasectomy without telling me you motherfucker??)

I know

Well, just in case, you probably shouldn't finish inside (Like, for real, lets talk about this vasectomy thing!)

Cool, wasn't planning on it

Oh, well I forgot to take my pill yesterday (For fucks sake did you get a vasectomy or what!?)

Now, since you're apparently a little insecure and prone to ruminating, you're here wondering what these fancy chess moves are and trying to find them in the checkers manual, but they're not fucking there, you'd need the chess manual. Well, you've been at MRP long enough to know the chess manual is fucking ridiculous, and you're better off slapping your dick on the board and yelling "BINGO!"

What's a "BINGO!" in this situation? A) Being open about getting a vasectomy, knowing in your heart and mind and soul that it is a good thing and won't negatively affect you or your family, your wife believing this too. B) Not having to live in your own head C) Doesn't matter had good sex

[–]Red-Curious[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is a terrific response - sees right through all the crap I was missing. Thanks!

[–]chachaChad3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is all on you but you’re making her out as the valliain here. She told you and told you but you didn’t care because you wanted sex. She told you and you kept pushing and once you’re done and your wording about pregnancy you’re hamstering a way to make it the vile women’s fault.

When people speak to you you have to try and understand what they are trying to communicate and have a little fucking empathy for the women that married your sorry ass.

I doubt any of that will get through to you.

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy

I'm confident she doesn't want to get pregnant again right now

Are you? The fact that she knew she was ovulating and she omitted the missed Pill until after... Well, actions speak louder than words.

I'd have a sit-down conversation and find out what she really wants. Don't bring up the missed pill and ovulation, that will only make her defensive. Just approach it as a "are you sure you don't want any more kids" conversation- not in an accusatory way... Set the tone like you're genuinely curious... And you are.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

Good point. I'm confident I don't want more kids, and I've told her this. As noted to another user, she even attended the vasec initial consult with me and has been on board.

[–]jacksarmy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you dont want children asking her will just lead to rows, just be careful till you get the snip

[–]straius0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Going along with your actions while feeling something else entirely but not communication it due to an aversion to conflict is not uncommon for women.

If you want to get to the bottom of possible motivations, have a talk just like it was suggested.

Keeping the vasectomy schedule from her indicated to me that you know there's a conflict here and you're avoiding it at some level too. Whatever your post-hoc rationalizations are about the mother being around, that's not why you haven't talked about it.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Perhaps, but I'm not convinced yet. My MIL is the epitome of the female hamster with a "warp drive" setting. We're talking legit mental health problems. I've fought battles against her, and a DNGAF/amused mastery mentality truly wins the day every time (she hates that she can't get to me), but I've also learned to pick my fights because even if I win, my MIL takes it out on my wife. Screw her for doing that, but my wife doesn't know how to seek protection within my frame during those times and often ventures out just long enough to get hurt and come crawling back in.

I suppose this is a good thing because it often rebolsters my wife's attraction to me - she totally loves that I'm strong for her when her mother is mentally raping her. But I'm not always in the "pick up the pieces" mood.

[–]straius1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

But what does your MIL have to do with you communicating an appointment to your wife? There is a myriad of ways to have that communication with her without involving the MIL even if she's living in the same house.

That's why this still feels like there's some evasive motivation behind it. Unless there's something I'm not understanding, there's txt, email, closing a door and talking with her... chatting before bed... etc..

I don't see how the MIL is a blocker to any of that so there must be something else going on. All the MIL feels like a rationalization to push aside some other more significant factor.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

True, there are other ways, and I utilized that for different conversations. But my wife can be a chatter-mouth and would blab to her mother if her mother happened to be around, even if the conversation itself was private.

I did tell my wife this morning and she's fine with it (at least consciously - her body agenda might tell a different story).

[–]straius0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, obviously I have no idea what your wife's position is, but what you were saying in this thread led me to believe you likely felt at some level there may be an issue beyond just the MIL.

Perhaps look at it as an opportunity to further nullify or set boundaries against the MIL's influence if your wife blabs. But I've always been one to confront that stuff immediately, shut it down without anger and firmly tell them I won't accept or allow their destructive behavior to persist.

Has kept inlaws out of our marriage cause, even though I was somewhat pleasant about it, I let them know they do nothing without getting our permission first. Even if that means embarrassing them by sending them back to the store with the delivery people they thought they could just show up to our house and "help" with.

Have had to do this with a past gf's grandmother even. Their family wouldn't and they were so appreciative of what I did. I dunno, I don't get why anyone tolerates it.

I mean, your tactically minded enough to handle the MIL anyway. At least from what I've read over the last several months. Should be no trouble for you I would imagine.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, I handle the MIL quite well most of the time - usually just calling her out on her crap to her face. She's so conflict-avoidant that it shuts her up right away.

I'm just not in the mood to deal with the backlash that my wife will experience if I do that to her mom on this issue right now. I've tried to pace out my RP changes healthily over the last several months/year, but I can tell my wife is still trying to figure out what's going on, as I'm not as predictable as she once found beta me to be. She feels the effect of the changing relational dynamic between the two of us. She likes it, but that doesn't magically make the stress of "change" go away. So, when outside sources stand to threaten her well-being, I tend to be a little more protective of her with that kind of stuff for now.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Understandable, you will know deep down if it's best for your dynamic. RP is always a moving target anyway. Which is my favorite aspect of it, that at it's core it is a philosophy of balance.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck that. Stop talking, she's been so clear with the communications, it takes willfull ignorance to miss this.

When she will/wont do, affix 'with you' at the end

when she emotes about things, affix 'right now' at the end

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

For all of you looking to take some nice pot-shots at me, here you go.

gay as fuck. you have a long way to go on ego destruction

you're assuming a degree of logix in your wife as though she was a man

your excuse below about mentioning the appointment (a point of logistics as you say she went to the consult) is lame as fuck. who cares if her mom knows. is her mom with you all 24/7

your hamster is in overdrive. your wife is no different than anyone else. when people fuck shit up; don't assume malice when stupid/lazy is the actual explanation 99% of the time.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

This is not me taking a shot at you. This is me reading between the lines and identifying the real issue here:

  • "As usual, she brings up that she's only been on the mini-pill for 3 weeks and her doctor said it's not effective for the first 4."

You say "as usual" therefore she is using it as an excuse to avoid sex. That is the real issue. Forget about all the other stuff. Her saying:

  • "you know I'm ovulating"

Read with the other comment she made could easily be taken as "I am only doing this because I am ovulating". Think about it. This is nothing to do with pills or pregnancy, it is to do with attraction.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm surprised, you're the only other person in this thread who actually remembered

"Ignore what she says, watch what she does"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, the other senior guys really should have seen this.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Could be, but as I just commented you someone else, she hasn't seemed like she has been trying to get out of sex lately, and she initiates with me frequently. If she really wanted out of sex wouldn't she habe told me about missing a pill and ovulation before we started and not after?

So, I'm not sure how to reconcile that with the "she's not attracted" responses. Instead, I took her initialcomments as her reminding me so she could absolve herself of guilt if she did get pregnant, blaming it on me with a "don't say I didn't warn you" attitude.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Every bit of that seems like trickle truth. She may not definitively want another child...but she wants to at least FEEL the POSSIBILITY of another child.

Been on pill only 3 weeks

I'm ovulating

I missed a pill

All these were questions to you. The question was: "How would you feel if I felt okay with the possibility of getting pregnant now?" You answered all three with: "I'm fine with that."

Time to share a vision and set a boundary.

1) Don't want more kids, vasectomy is scheduled.

2) You will tell me in the future if you miss a pill.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I totally forgot trickle truth was a thing - and it's the only thing that fully explains the situation. And I'm now confident you're right about her second guessing having another kid. Specifically, I also forgot the "what she does" v. "what she says" split. I was giving too much weight to what she says because I'm confident she believes what she says. But as is often the case with her, she doesn't actually know what she wants, and what she says she wants is often wrong.

These are my action steps. Thanks!

[–]CrippleSlap2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like general communication is much needed between the 2 of you.

She didn't mention not taking the pill and you haven't mentioned getting the snip.

Look at your 2 concerns listed above. Both stem from a failure to communicate.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

So you're getting a vasectomy in a few weeks. Be very careful because your own hamster is going to hamster a bit about losing your potency. Not saying this is what happened here, but give it a ponder.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Man I could care less about losing potency, I don't want more kids, with anyone l. But can't shake the feeling that it'll change hormone balance. Keep hamstering that the brain is very good at telling you what you feel is normal, even if that feeling is lack of drive because your shit is snipped.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Haha are you snipped or is this hamster FUD?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Hamster.

Then there's also this where the caveat to vasectomy not elevating risk of prostate cancer is...well...that it does (weird title) especially for those under the median age (raises hand). So yeah. More hamster.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't have a medscape account so couldn't read the article but ejaculation at least daily supposedly cuts prostate cancer risk by an order of magnitude so... #hamsterfood :)

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

For all of you looking to take some nice pot-shots at me, here you go.

This is either a "beta cringe", butthurt about being criticized at MRP, or both.

Whichever it is, it's unattractive. Stop doing it here, and in the rest of your interactions with others.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Go get a vascectomy. Then when she gives another excuse not to fuck you, you can get it through your thick head.

She doesn't want to fuck you.

ohhai, it's you.

Above is still true, The sexual alphaness of a male towards a female is exhibited by her wanting to please him

From all our conversations in the past, I think this one would resonate with you more than most.

What they fail to grasp is that an Alpha mindset is not definitively associated with masculine attributes. There are plenty of high-functioning, masculine men we would characterize as Alpha based on our perception of them in many aspects of life, who nonetheless are abject supplicating Betas with regard to how they interact with, and defer to women.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks for the info. I haven't gotten the impression she's trying to avoid sex recently - and she initiates frequently too. But this is a good word to remember and apply all the same.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

so then, from all this, how much fucking is happening vs excuses not to? It's unclear from your post and comment

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The only time she made an excuse not to within the past several weeks was when I told her no to buying a house we obviously could not afford. She was clearly very upset and when I offered a hug she said she didn't want me touching her. So, I STFU and left for the gym. When I got home she ended up initiating with me that night anyway.

I hadn't thought about the birth control reminders as LMR before, but she knows it hasn't stopped us from having sex the other times she brought it up. I just take it as her shifting blame to me in the event we did get pregnant again - setting herself up for an "I warned you" mentality.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Easy way to test. Address it, see if something else comes up

[–]TurdDoctor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Alphaness and dread levels are not enough for her to have sex without making an excuse to try to get out of it. Let this incident go. OYS with regard to birth control (get a vasectomy if you are done with kids).

[–]DeeMooreDeeMarriet1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Generally speaking blow jobs won't get her pregnant.

Just sayin'.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Here is my pot shot.

If YOU don't want any more kids why didn't YOU get a vasectomy ?

[–]Red-Curious[S] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

I am. The appointment just isn't here yet. In fact, on r/RPChristians I made a field report about the conversation where I first told her I was getting a vasec. She didn't take it well at the time, but is fully on board now.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

And until anything to do with going raw on your girl is on you fully. Pretend she is ovulating all the time. Pretend you're not married to her. It's your responsibility to make sure YOU don't have another kid.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Fully agreed. The relevance of her final question that night totally flew over my head until I read /u/GargantuaBlarg29 and /u/anythinginc's comments.

After we got dressed and she's back in bed, I kiss her goodnight. While I'm walking away she asks, "Would you still love me if I did end up getting pregnant after tonight?" This should have been a dead give-away for me, and now I feel like an idiot.

I responed, "Of course. If you get pregnant, that's on me, not you. Don't worry about it." And then I left. I also told her about the vasec appointment today. She's fine with it (at least verbally - her body agenda is clearly telling her something different without her realizing, which is what I took as a crucial point of what garg and anythinginc said).

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Yup. Most guys take 'ignore what she says, watch what she does' as a flippant way of shrugging of wee-little-girls and their emotions, but it's more than that.

A lot of human drivers are from biology, and it never makes it up to the frontal lobe. Hell, the frontal lobe, for the most part, exists to make up rationalizations for lizard-brain behaviour, which is why most rationalizations make no sense.

Honestly, you're smart enough that you're able to figure it out. There's a lot of newbies coming through this post who are absolutely clueless on any of this stuff.

Most guys take most RP lessons at face value, it's interesting to see someone working through it with some rigor. The stuff you're doing now is something I would have never considered as worth investigating.

FWIW, I'm soon to be a similar situation. IUD is getting changed next month. doc says 3 weeks, no rawdoggin... So her first thought was to pick up a few boxes of condoms, and that she would count them (lol, dread)

Where theres a will, theres a way. The idea of just abstaining for 3 weeks isn't even on the table.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

(lol, dread)

Haha. What's even funnier is the context of this statement with the "lizard brain rationalization" stuff - as if counting the condoms would prevent you from cheating anyway.

But yeah, just as abstaining for 3 weeks is off the table for you, using condoms is for me, otherwise none of this would have come up in the first place :p Good on you for being willing, though.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Surely lawyers are used to sucking it up short term to secure long term happiness

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Well, even MRP itself is all about long-term strategy over short-term wins.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

no , its not.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Had a vasectomy a year ago. No way could I go back to condoms. Wife always hated them too.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I'm confident she doesn't want to get pregnant again

Consciously. That is NOT what her body agenda is telling her. She wants another baby whether she acknowledges it or is even aware of it.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Good point. Some other people helped me realize that - "what she does" not "what she says" and all.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Your vasectomy is probably weighing on her mind.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True statement.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

isn't she breast feeding? Thats a contraceptive of sorts AFAIK.

But that aside i am confused did you not agree not to finish inside? and then you didn't? As far as i can tell there is 3 reasons pregnancy would be unlikely.

[–]AustralianArm1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Breast feeding is not a contraceptive. At all.

[–]ruizbujc1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No, but the hormone rebalancing that happens to cause breastfeeding to be possible does affect fertility.

[–]Raspu1011 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No breast feeding just stops periods...usually.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

All kinds of people in this thread that need an anatomy lesson or some shit. It's no wonder so many men get trapped in pregnancies.

[–]Red-Curious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True. That's why I'm not worried about her being pregnant. It's more the careless flow of information that I was asking about.



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