The title refers to how I feel after discovering RP / MRP a few weeks ago, going on a massive reading expedition, and starting to implement some of this shit. I've realized I'm a massive bitch and it's been a kick to the teeth. HOWEVER, I also feel a sense of hope that I haven't had in YEARS. "Hold on to your butts" is what Samuel L. Jackson says in Jurassic Park when he resets the entire system and it slowly comes back online. The entire system shuts down and doesn't come back online immediately. Instead, one monitor starts to blink with a little message and SLJ figures out that it is actually possible to fix the whole system. That's where I'm at... the one little blinking message.
This is a throwaway account b/c my wife knows my other Reddit login and I don't want to talk about Fight Club with her.
There's an essay coming your way because I’m still at the very, very beginning of this journey and just need to get this stuff off my chest. Hopefully it will help someone who is thinking about taking the pill or who isn’t sure if they really have a problem. Also, fair warning but I’m going to get a bit graphic but I think it’s all pertinent information.
A quick backstory: M32 married to F32 and we have kids. I met my wife in college. I thought she was smoking hot (amazing face, DDs, but 30# overweight) but looking back realistically, she was a 6ish and I was an 8+. I was playing college baseball at the time and she was doing the whole freshmen-gain-30# thing.
She was my first sexual partner, I was her second. Her first was a beta who had decent game but lacked balls / motivation to do anything further or fight to keep her.
We were crazy about each other, got married young, amazing sex all the time. I’m talking hanging-from-the-rafters crazy monkey-sex where you almost pass out right after the O. She was super naïve and so not really kinky but was passionate and mischievous. She wanted the D all the time and constantly enticed, teased, and dressed slutty to get me going.
Fast forward after several kids. She got in superb shape after Kid #1 and then kept getting better and better after each one. She’s now a fitness trainer with a soft 6 pack. She looks like the Crossfit girls but with a tiny bit less muscle. Super young looking A+ face. I’m a lucky shithead.
I went from ridiculously good shape (college baseball was 4+ hours per day of practice, lifting, running, etc. year round) to 50# overweight. Right now, I’d say I’m a 4-5 and she is an HB8, maybe HB9. I get shit from my buddies all the time about how she is the hottest girl they know in person.
The sex and passion in our relationship has slowly dwindled for years. I started noticing maybe 5-7 years ago that she just wasn’t as into me physically as she used to be. She swore up and down, side to side, back and forth that she wasn’t driven by physical appearance, that she was still madly in love with me, and was still very attracted to me. FWIW, I make a very nice living allowing her to stay home (she does the training thing for funsies) and our kids to be in private school.
She’s always been sexually receptive to me but has become more and more of a starfish over the past few years. She does what I want but if I don’t initiate, she could go weeks without sex. When she does initiate (usually after a fight about her not initiating in a long time), I can tell she is doing it out a sense of compliance, duty, & obligation but not because she wants to bang my brains out. While I’m sure that she still loves me, this has affected my self-confidence at the core level. Combined with a sedentary job and being obese (I’m not going to mince words here… I’m obese now), I’ve had minor, infrequent issues with not getting it up on occasion. This simply compounded the issue. I got my testosterone measured and it was on the very edge of being low. I’m 32 but the average 70 year old man has higher test than me. My doctor says it is because I’m a fatass who doesn’t do anything to boost it plus I eat like shit and my stress levels are through the roof. Well, duh.
Her lack of desire plus my increasing self-doubt / loathing over my fitness / test levels / etc. has led to several huge fights during the past few years. She says she is sorry but she has low libido / is tired / was distracted / whatever. After each fight, we have great sex for a few days until it slowly slips back to normal. Each time, I’m getting madder and madder at her even though looking back on it, it’s not that she was getting worse – I was (and that scared me).
It’s All My Fault
I’ve spent a lot of time blaming anything and everything except me for this issue. Recently, I read Extreme Ownership by Willink & Babin and then stumbled onto MRP a few weeks ago. I’ve started to devour the materials on this site including the recommended reading. I’ve swiftly had my teeth kicked in and have realized that this is ENTIRELY MY FUCKING FAULT. I’ve identified three primary ways that this is my fault.
One: I’m a fat fucking slob. I don’t pay enough attention to how I dress, especially around her, and have put on 50# of fat. My diet is trash, my skin is in poor condition, my clothes are not thoughtful, my teeth aren’t white enough, and my gut is massive. Just about the only passing grade I would give myself is that I do go to a real barbershop and get a good haircut every three weeks. However, on an appearance level, if I were to ask myself “Would I fuck me?” the answer is an emphatic “NO!” Why should I expect her to be any different? She married a jacked dude who dressed well and now has Homer Simpson sans the bald head.
Two: I’ve become a BB in wayyyyy too many ways. MMSLP talks about the need for balance between Alpha & Beta. I’ve always leaned more to the Alpha side of the spectrum (even though due to a fucked up childhood, my version of masculinity was poisoned by my mother). However, I’ve let myself become more and more beta over the past few years. I don’t just take what I want anymore. I defer to my wife on nearly everything. She isn’t a naturally aggressive person but I’ve become such a bitch. For example, after we fight about sex, she will sort of initiate the next day and ask me what I want to do and I’ll answer with “whatever you want.” When we were first together, I just took her whenever I wanted it and she took me whenever she wanted it. I’m NOT talking about rape. I’m just talking about good ol’fashioned sexual aggression. She loved it. Now, I’m all lovey-dovey passive with her all the time. I pay her too much attention and whine when she doesn’t pay attention to me, physically or otherwise.
Three: I don’t seduce my wife nearly as much as I should. I don’t game her. I am a Christian (I know, I say fuck too much) so I never tried to sleep around even in college when I had chicks throwing themselves at me. I wanted to wait until marriage and I found the One. However, once I found her, I seduced the hell out of her all the time. I was a dork sometimes but I was a confident dork who got the job done. As they say, if it’s stupid but it works, it’s not stupid. Now, I don’t seduce her. I’ll be helpful around house, with the kids, etc. as a part of my master plan to make her wet by how nice I am. Covert contracts ALL over the place. I would hold score in my mind and then whine, cry (yes, I occasionally cried to her about my feelz because I was acting like a bitch), and moan to her about why didn’t she rip off her clothes and mount me after how nice I was to her. Being a helper around the house may help her destress but it also doesn’t make her panties wet.
So, like I said. I was and still am a bitch. This is my story of how I’m changing that.
Fitness & Diet
The testosterone test shook me to the core. It was quantifiable proof that I was, in fact, a bitch and it was all my fault. To fix that, I started Crossfit three weeks ago. I love the combination of heavy-ass Olympic lifting plus cardio in varied ways. It is kicking my ass but I can tell it is really helping. I am starting to get morning wood again and feel some old self confidence coming back.
I’m also eating clean. No more “eat like a ‘Murican man, dammit!” Fuck that. The average ‘Murican is grossly overweight, can’t see his dick, and will die way too early after years of ED (I was on that path up until a few weeks ago). I have transitioned to eating clean 95% of the time, mostly focused on meat, vegetables, lots of healthy fats, and complex carbs from sweet potatoes. I’d recommend the How to Boost your Test article from AoM if you haven’t read it yet. I’ve incorporated clean eating plus intermittent fasting for additional testosterone / HGH boosts.
As a result, I’m already noticing a significant difference in how I feel. Am I like I was in college? Hell no. Then I could breathe fire, slay dragons, and bang my now-wife 5x per day. But… I’m starting to feel better enough that I can now actually remember what feeling that way was like. Here’s an analogy. If you stick a frog in a pot of boiling water, he’ll nope out immediately. Stick him in luke-warm water and then slowly heat it up and he’ll sit there until he cooks. I don’t know if that’s 100% true but I think it holds fast as an analogy to me and my health. My transition from awesome to fatass was so gradual that I never really noticed how awful I started to feel on a regular basis. I do now. Generally speaking, I have felt AWFUL for years and didn’t even recognize it because awful was normal.
Physically, nothing has changed substantially yet (still very early) but I’ve dropped a few pounds and my dick is a lot harder during erections. I’m also waking up with morning wood for the first time in YEARS. I’ll take it.
NAWALT… Actually AWALT
Before MRP, I would have said my wife was pretty much perfect (other than the lack of desire thing) and that she didn’t shit test me at all. Nope. After reading more and more and then observing my interactions with her, she shit tests ALL the time, granted in very minor and passive ways. They aren’t “bad” but they are clearly an ongoing effort for her to maintain her frame and feel comfortably in control of the relationship.
Don’t hear me wrong… I still love my wife and believe I’m incredibly lucky for far more than just that she is hot. She is still a wonderful person and I’m still crazy about her. I just see her shit tests now. I didn’t before because I was being a beta bitch.
So yesterday, I decided to do something about it. You guys are probably going to say I was going Red Pill Rambo and you are probably right. Whatevs. I texted her during the day and told her that when I brought the oldest son home from his late practice, I expected her to be in a sundress with nothing on underneath except perfume. I also told her to have some massage oil ready. No response to the text from her. #fuckit
Before practice, I decided that I would make dinner not because I wanted to help her but because I love to grill / cook. So I made a great meal of chicken, grilled veggies, corn, and grilled pineapple for dessert. I told her ahead of time what I was going to do. She was shocked I pulled it off and confessed afterward that she had already made dinner because she didn’t think I would follow through. I just shrugged and grinned while I ate my grilled pineapple.
Fast forward and when I got home with the son, I sent him straight to bed. She was walking around the house in pajama pants and a big baggy shirt. (shit test… I told her what I wanted to see her in) I went in to get into the shower without really saying anything to her. Old me would have whined about how she wasn’t wearing what I told her to.
She walked in and took off the clothes, showing a sundress underneath. I did my thing in the shower, she hopped out, and brought the massage oil to the bed. I told her give me a massage. She laughed and said she thought it was for her. I said nope and to start massaging me. She said no. I told her I would spank her if she didn’t. For the record, she hates it when I spank her… so she says. She gave a sarcastic answer or something… so I grabbed her, put her over my knee, and popped her 2-3x times, just enough to sting. I then felt her up and spanked again 2x. I felt her up again. Needless to say, she acted pissed about it but her body indicated that it wasn’t.
After that, she gave me the massage and the night went really well from there.
This morning, I got home from a men’s breakfast and she was up starting to make the kids breakfast. Thursday mornings are weird for us because we are both home for a while & awake before the kids have to go to school. I’ve asked for showers with her before and sometimes she does, sometimes she ‘forgets’ and then I usually act like a pouty bitch. We’ve had a long history of Thursday morning showers being an issue.
This morning, I came in, kissed her hard for about 10 sec, didn’t say a word, and then headed to the shower. (good so far) She asked “do you want me to join you?” Like a bitch, I said “whatever you want…” I know, I’m a bitch. She sighed in an exasperated tone and then followed me in there. The shower was great. She was acting reserved and a bit sad with her face but her initiation / creativity / activity level was much higher than normal. I didn’t want to finish all the way then so I stopped her after a bit and made her get out. I then got dressed, gave a lot of thought to what I was wearing, cleaned my face, etc. and got ready. I paid her almost no attention other than being polite but slightly curt with her.
Right before I was about to leave, she walked into the bedroom where I was getting my shoes on and gave me an impromptu BJ. BJs are not uncommon for us but her opening with one is, especially if I haven’t asked for it or whined about sex lately.
The funny thing is, I think she was still shit testing me a lot last night and this morning. She had her sad, distant face on almost all the time but was acting much more like I want her to act in terms of sexual interaction. She was more into it. I think I’m going to have to really work on differentiating between what she presents or says versus what her body does… aka it got really wet after I spanked her a bit. She is acting like her feelings are hurt but she is also way more into me. I need to figure this out (if you guys have any suggestions / insights, plz halp).
I’m sure there’s going to be more and more of an adjustment period where I figure this out and she adjusts to me. MMSLP says to give it a month of adjustment per year of being a bitch. So for me, I can expect 7-9 months of adjustment. For now, here’s my gameplan of moving forward.
- Focus on improving me as much as possible. Eat clean, intermittent fast, lift heavy ass weight, pay really close attention to clothing, hygiene, etc.
- STFU about my problems and how I feelz whether it’s about her, my work, my childhood, whatever. I unload on her emotionally wayyyy too much. If I have a problem, I need to go squat or deadlift it out. I am not going to cut my wife off emotionally or verbally but I will take back control of our relationship where I am the pillar and she is not.
- Seduce my wife. I’m a moron but I really think she actually likes to be told what to do. I need to figure out how to manage that. I’m not into BDSM at all (and don’t plan to be) but I believe my wife would definitely be a very willing sub if I were…. Anyone have any suggestions on how to capitalize on that for us both without going full BDSM?
- Don’t GAF about her shit tests and below-baseline-of-importance feelings / issues / problems.
- Spend more of my free time, limited as it is, improving myself via reading, cooking, etc. rather than playing some dumbass video games. r/factorio, this might be good bye.
So… I’ll use this account to keep you guys in the loop. MRP works.
I do have one major question though. To what degree do I interact with my wife in terms of normal phone calls, texts, etc. throughout the day? I'm really confused on this because on one hand, I don't want to straight up ignore her because that seems childish yet on the other hand I feel like I don't really know how to interact with her staying outside of her frame and within mine. Any feedback or advice on this?