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Petty Behaviour

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March 23, 2017
6 upvotes

This is going to sound petty and stupid, and it frankly is. My wife sometimes does some really stupid behaviour to try and pull me into a drama frame. In my home office there were a couple of framed pictures of myself with my siblings and cousins when we were children. I like them. Wife took both pictures out, and put pictures of herself with our kids. There are pictures of herself with our kids elsewhere in the room. She has pictures of her family elsewhere in the house

The following exchange took place:

I : Where are the pictures that were here?

Wife: Why do you hate our pictures, do you have a problem with our family?

This frankly was so stupid I laughed in her face. Seems like a royal shit sandwitch of shit test, comfort test, and jealousy all rolled into one. My wife is extremely jealous and possessive of me - to the point of insanity, which makes dread game really effective.

I told her I want the pictures back and I left. I like the pictures - they are not digital and they are the only copies in existence (20+ years old, before digital was a thing).

I still don't know where they are. I'm frankly more pissed off at that then the fact that they were taken down. I wouldn't be surprised if she binned them given past petty behaviour.

How would you handle this? There is a consistent current of this behaviour where she baites me with childish stuff, on the one hand this seems like a silly thing to assert oneself over. On the other hand, it takes a special kind of disrespect to pull this off and I want it to stop.

EDIT: Addendum - more details:

I'm improving - lift, 6 pack, control of my life, good job and the rest of it. I have no problem attracting the attention of women. I'd say my SMV is 8. Hers is 6 or 7.

Abdada is onto something with the foot is cut comment - she is a feminist (i know, too fucking late, don't ever marry one) and actively resists my direction over big family decisions.

Paradoxically, sex is ok - she craves it more than I actually and puts out a lot.

Still working on the big decisions front. Still have no clue how to handle this stupid behaviour. She does a lot of this "hurra girl, you do what you like because you're a woman ha!" crap and has me as the embodiment of a male that she has to practive her SJW over.


Post Information
Title Petty Behaviour
Author brattykids123
Upvotes 6
Comments 68
Date 23 March 2017 01:11 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206368
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/611rdj/petty_behaviour/
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Comments

[–]drty_prRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Petty Behavior

The fact that you stay with this woman after her threatening to phone the police on you, shows you are one of the highest level blue pill betas I have seen on here. IDGAF how much you left and read. You're a pathetic excuse of a man to allow such unacceptable behavior. The fact that you fail to see the importance of this astounds me.

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS OTHER THAN THIS. GROW A FUCKIN PAIR YOU FUCKING PUSSY

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Jesus Christ dude, why would you put up with this? Seriously, that is majorly fucked up. It isn't like she changed the paint color in your office when you were out or something. If she actually discarded/destroyed those priceless pictures...to the moon Alice!

For real, without knowing/caring about the rest of your situation, just that one singular event would put me 99% of the way to divorce, where it would take a LOT of apologies and cum swallowing to get close to normal. That is the behavior of a seriously fucked up person.

[–]abdadaRed Beret1 point2 points  (26 children) | Copy

How is the rest of your MAP and marriage? Because this feels like freaking out over a white hair on your head when your foot was cut off and you're bleeding out.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

agreed.

Something isn't right here. We aren't being told the full story.

[–]brattykids123[S] 1 point2 points  (24 children) | Copy

I'm improving - lift, 6 pack, control of my life, good job and the rest of it. I have no problem attracting the attention of women. I'd say my SMV is 8. Hers is 6 or 7.

You're onto something with the foot is cut comment - she is a feminist (i know, too fucking late, don't ever marry one) and actively resists my direction over big family decisions.

Paradoxically, sex is ok - she craves it more than I actually and puts out a lot.

She does a lot of this "hurra girl, you do what you like because you're a woman ha!" crap and has me as the embodiment of the male patriarchy that she has to practive her SJW over.

[–]abdadaRed Beret1 point2 points  (22 children) | Copy

She's obviously trying to retain control of the home in a myriad of ways that women do things. Has she also been moving furniture around or changing room accessories?

Who controls the bank account? How much money a month does she get for her spending, versus total income, versus long term savings goals?

[–]brattykids123[S] 1 point2 points  (21 children) | Copy

Moving accessories yes. I simply move them back, then she'll get angry 2 months down the line and changes them again. Really stupid.

Bank account - she is out of control. She gets her salary and spends it entirely on frivolours stuff that none of us need, while I shoulder everything else.

See above about her SJW tendencies crap - the latter stems from this.

[–]abdadaRed Beret0 points1 point  (20 children) | Copy

Yeah you have a lot of work to do for sure. She acts like the leader because there is none, and she's a poor leader.

On top of that, there's no dread going on, she knows she owns you and has you on lock down so naturally she's going to taunt you and bully you because she's free to.

You have a lot of work to do, a lot of progress to make.

[–]brattykids123[S] 1 point2 points  (19 children) | Copy

Yeah you have a lot of work to do for sure. She acts like the leader because there is none, and she's a poor leader.

I agree with the rest of your post, but i wouldn't agree with this. I think I'm in control of everything in my life. Kids happy and taken care of, on my schedule, house in order, bills paid, entire holidays planned and done by me...

I ask for her permission in none of this, and for the most part it's ok because she's frankly too bad to lead - I smell needs a mile away and resolve them before she ever gets a sniff, and she's happier for it.

I consult her sometimes on the important thing, in the "we need to do this, here is a plan..." and most of the time she's ok because frankly she knows no better.

And then sometimes the SJW feminist comes out of her over something and she will try to push her agenda like mad - because hurra "I'm an educated girl and I can make decisions and I don't believe in men dictating things".

So specifically over the stupid pictures, should I take a firm stand on this?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (14 children) | Copy

I think I'm in control of everything in my life.

Except for 50% of the finances, and your disposable income, she has hijacked that

[–]brattykids123[S] 0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy

No. She has control of her own salary. She has 0 control over my income.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

Oh? in a percentage, for bills, communal expenses, emergencies, and other essentialls, basically everything that isn't your disposable/discretionary spending. how much do you pay?

Add any long term, future investing for retirement into that. Number still matches?

[–]brattykids123[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Oh? in a percentage, for bills, communal expenses, emergencies, and other essentialls, basically everything that isn't your disposable/discretionary spending. how much do you pay?

100%.

Add any long term, future investing for retirement into that. Number still matches?

100%.

So, yes, that means I'm paying for her, if you want to say that means she's "controlling" 50% of it, I get your point.

A captain has gotta do what a captain has gotta do to keep the ship going. It's not an acceptable situation and It's one of things that will lead to divorce if it doesn't get resolved. This is ground I seceded a long time ago, that's my own fault. She'll either come around and accept the new boundary or its over.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Stone, what is your take on household finances.? Separating income, splitting bills, etc has never sat right with me. I know some guys end up there for various reasons, but I feel like that is a canary in the coal mine, and it is a constant reminder that things are not right.

If I can't trust her with access to our bank account how could I leave her alone with my children? I guess for some they have to deal the cards they have, and maybe they've already done the stupid thing by marrying an unfit wife. It just feels like a daily reminder that your marriage is fucked.

For example, I'll hear guys say "I don't care if she buys a bunch of expensive shoes, we have spit accounts, so that is her money and I have mine.", but, I think that makes you a financial cuckold, where she blows her money/energy on other shit and you are left holding the bag or having to work extra hard to be prepared for unexpected life costs, retirement, kid's college etc. Then later she leaves you, goes and finds another beta bucks and there you are with your dick in your hand and a small bank account.

[–]milkywayer0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]abdadaRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I ask for her permission in none of this, and for the most part it's ok because she's frankly too bad to lead - I smell needs a mile away and resolve them before she ever gets a sniff.

Ok, and what has your divorce lawyer told you to do for your next step to remove this anchor from your progress?

If she can't be rehabilitated, then she has to go. It's a simple choice.

If she earns a lot of money, it probably means you'll actually be in far better shape than if you were the sole breadwinner. Might want to consult with an attorney right away and plan your exit strategy and then have her served with papers when you've finalized it.

Kids need to see a happy dad who is in control of his life and content with it. Seeing a dad who argues with mom all the time over petty shit is only going to turn them into mirror images.

[–]brattykids123[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

She earns less than me. I'll have to fork out.

Divorce is certainly an option and I'm fine with it - my mental deadline is 5 months from now. But I wanna make sure I did give this a proper try because these problems and crossed boundaries are my own making when I was BP.

[–]abdadaRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'll have to fork out.

A man can always make more money, what he can't do is recover lost time.

My divorce cost me 7 figures plus a business I loved. I don't regret it at all because I got out and saved myself years of grief and self hate and toxicity. I earned all of it back, and it was 100% mine. No kids, so there's a difference there, but once she was gone, my life became 100% mine without the baggage of someone who hates me.

If you have to pay, pay. If that's the cost of a mistake, at least you won't be giving her any more of your life, any more of your happiness and any more of your mental energy.

See a great lawyer and work out an exit strategy that minimizes the pain. If you're self-employed, talk to the lawyer about income strategies that can minimize divorce settlements in your jurisdiction.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why 5 months. And have you done any prep work so you are aren't sitting around in 5 months, wondering what to do next?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'd say my SMV is 8. Hers is 6 or 7.

Are you flirting with 8s? Are 8s flirting with you? Are 9s flirting with your wife?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

What I don't understand is why you don't know what happened to those pictures. This post should have either detailed how you insisted on the pictures back until she gave them back or she told you she destroyed them.

But you asked for them back and then left??? Yeah that shows authority...you're too scared to even stay and assert your frame.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ya, I've been thinking the same thing. Kept rereading like I missed something. find those fucking pictures.

[–]brattykids123[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

I have to leave because I know where "standing ground" right there will go.

From history, she'll go on arguing over her solipsist point over "what's wrong with our family", and will take a firm stand and will not back down. She'll just fob me off.

"Stay and assert your frame" - in this instance it means me staying in her arguing frame, where she just spouts nonsense non stop.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (8 children) | Copy

Wrong. Fog the hell out of whatever she says, and repeat that you want the pictures back now. If/when it gets to the point where she says "I burned them" or "I'm not giving them back" then any plausible deniability of "why are you freaking out...I have the pictures right here" is gone. She's made her choice. Then you can leave and make yours. Until then, she can simply hamster that you're overreacting.

[–]brattykids123[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

ok - so I fog and stand my ground and reassert. She then leaves. Either leaves the room, or eventually leaves the house. wtf then?

It happened over other stuff.

Heck, over something as stupid (can't remember) she threatened to call the police right there and then and assert "abuse". Yes, she would consider this type of asserting "abuse" - she has the feminist nonsense up to her eyeballs.

[–]WesternhagenWinner5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

over something as stupid (can't remember) she threatened to call the police right there and then and assert "abuse"

If she can own you with a threat like this, then she has your balls until you get them back. Or leave. You are her bitch. She knows that she has escalation dominance over any dispute, and indeed, you will avoid disputes because you know she has this threat in her back pocket. Your MAP can never succeed until you have broken her of using this threat.

[–]brattykids123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's a valid point.

I should say that the police card has never been played since the first instance where she did it - where as a result I left the house for a week, came back and told her any mention of police again will be taken very seroiously.

On threatening divorce, see my comment below.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/611rdj/petty_behaviour/dfb2haw/

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

In a sane society you would simply slap her silly until she handed over your pictures. In this society I guess you will have to start hiding her shit until she turns them over.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

In a sane society you would simply slap her silly until she handed over your pictures

You're a true renaissance man. The good old days. Sigh.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What were you going to do in 5 months?

Start there. And stop bullshitting yourself

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

over something as stupid (can't remember) she threatened to call the police right there and then and assert "abuse"

With 100% confidence if I were in your shoes the next day I would be meeting with a lawyer. Abso-fucking-lutely not would I allow her to hold a threat like that over my head.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If she leaves, that's her answer. That's the value she brings/takes fron the relationship. The value you will use to assess whether sticking around is worth it. Doesn't matter what actually happened to the pictures...the answer you want is what value is she bringing/taking. You need to stay engaged asserting your demand until she answers. Anything less is weak.

Hint: The picture psycho shit is bad enough...but any kind of even vague threat of a wife saying she'll call abuse on me when I didn't...absolutely absolutely I'm getting divorce papers ready. Not a chance in hell I allow that kind of manipulation in my life.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Games of chicken end in two ways

  1. car crash
  2. one swerves to avoid.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Or 3. You park the car and walk to the local bar to get some pussy.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Why you gotta kill a pretty sweet metaphor?

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Haha, a man always has options...

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

This whole calling the cops nothing really jumped out at me. This shows that she has the potential to be very ruthless and dangerous. I personally would draw a hard ultimatum if my wife ever pulled a stunt like that ... Even if she didn't follow through.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She knows I would leave her if she ever pulled that shit. Thinking about it just now, I would leave her if she even threatened it. No questions asked.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah especially given the circumstances- I would consider that too risky to stick around.

[–]DeeMooreDeeMarriet1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hi. New name but not newb. Wanted to be able to post in non red pill threads. I read thru all of the responses. I have a couple things to add:

1) Do you have any mechanical aptitude? As in knowing how to put pictures in a picture frame? Sometimes women put in the new pictures and leave the existing pictures behind the new one. It's a thing. If you find the pictures there you've solved one problem.

2) Along time ago during our younger more turbulent years I told my LTR the following (not exact words but close enough)- "if you threaten to call the cops, call the cops, or use the words 'you're scaring me' it's over". She's been good ever since. Your mileage may vary.

3) Finances- I used to hold all of the responsibility of paying all of the bills. She worked, I worked, but she had no concept of our financial reality so she always nagged for MOAR, MOAR. So, twenty years ago, here's what I did: I made a spreadsheet of all of our monthly expenses and net incomes. Since I made (and still make) 70% of the salary I took 70% of the bills. Conversely, she got 30% of the bills. We agreed to put a fixed amount per week each in a "house account" for groceries, kids, etc. The rest of the money we each had left was mine/hers "disposable" money to spend on whatever you please. That woke her up in a hurry.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife is extremely jealous and possessive of me - to the point of insanity, which makes dread game really effective.

What else does she do to you? Give some examples of her crazy behavior and how frequently it happens.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

which makes dread game really effective.

Yeah bro, you're really killin' it at home...

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't be surprised if she binned them given past petty behaviour.

How would you handle this?

You think she threw away your pictures? I may not be the best guy to take advice from on how to handle that. My guess is there is a good chance the police would be called. That would send me into a murderous rage.

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

She took away unique, irreplacable things that are valuable to you. For some reason you're trying to downplay it, like nothing can matter to you. Fuck that.

Until she gives them back, the only thing you say to her are:

  1. immediate logistics of running your family

  2. "where are my photos?"

[–]brattykids123[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I can implement this, the problem I see is that we're at other disagreements that will either have to be resolved my way or the highway over a few things and this seems like the wrong thing to latch onto.

I fear it gives the impression that the other things don't matter as much. Things like the fact that she is out of control with finances (she has her entire salary and spends it as she wishes on really stupid stuff - no contribution to the household). The fact that she doesn't use my last name. The fact that she actively argues in front of the kids etc...

There was one day where I made it clear that there is no way forward for her to be with me if she doesn't tackle those problems.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The problem I see is that you're a bitch about it when someone suggests holding a boundary.

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No, giving the photos back is an excellent place to start enforcing your boundaries.

Letting her shit on you until she is able to manage her finances is a terrible idea, bro.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Boundary enforcement starts small. Your problem is that train waived bye bye to you years ago. So yes, if you were to divorce over the picture scandal of 2017 it will look just as she will likely paint it. Petty. Only us, you and the Big guy will know what it's actually about. Start enforcing smaller boundaries or asserting your desires like where you want to go to dinner. What movie you are going to see. How the furniture is arranged. Something. Start over with boundary enforcement. OTOH, maybe the photo issue is a good place to start. Your feminist princess needs her world rocked and her ass spanked.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Considering i have exactly 2 pictures of my father (pre digital as well). I would be fucking livid if she did that to me.

Frankly, i would cut all contact with her, period. Freeze her out completely. She is dead to you in the house. Why? Because she is being a cunt and needs to learn not to fuck with other peoples stuff. Set the boundary and stick with it.

Withdraw all time and attention.

[–]tslextslex0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In every marriage, every day, someone is in charge. In yours, she is. That's not to rip on you, it's just true. She's willing to do what she has to get what she wants and your feelings mean nothing to her. You are not willing to do what you have to to get what you want, and her feelings (the immediate, temporary ones) mean too much to you.

The irony/sad truth is that you BOTH will ultimately be much happier if you are in charge. She is doing what she is doing because she wants you to be in charge. She keeps pushing, you keep stepping back. But that's only part of the aikido -- at a certain point it's not just about the step back, but about redirecting the force so she lands on her ass (metaphorically speaking). She is pushing either becuase she wants that flip (my guess) or she wants you gone.

Decide if there is something there worth preserving. Then decide you want to be in charge or not if you stay. If you are content staying with her in charge, do so. But divorce isn't a card to play -- it is a VERY unpleasant ride in an ejection seat.



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