I hesitated to post this because I'm sure you're all sick of my fucked up situation, and my thoroughly fucked self. But, apparently my posts have tarnished the reputation of this fine sub (why we care about what a group called "thebluepill" thinks of anything is beyond me), and many of you have taken significant time to write out meaningful posts to help me --- so I wanted to clear a few things up before I take a break from embarrassing you all with my pitiful interactions with my wife, and how slowly I'm learning.
My marriage has been bad for many years. My wife first told me she wanted to leave me in our first year of marriage, many years ago. Since then, we have about 3 months per year where things are decent/good between us, and the other 9 months we are either disconnected or fighting. Realistically, some of this is her problems, for sure. But, I was a true beta, showing weakness and codependency at every turn. Our first child was born out of a good time early in our marriage where I thought "she really wants this, maybe this will bond us". Hope that helps clear up any doubt as to the fool I was. The two children since then have both been accidents during the "good times". Despite many reasons to, we havent divorced through all these years -- at first because of fear and devotion to religion, and now add children to that matrix. We give our kids a happy life and they are well adjusted, generally.
We've seen several counselors over the years, you all know how that went.
I stumble into RP after the birth of our third. I was immediately drawn to it because it removed my status as victim. I could change things. I could take control of my own life and emotions, and I no longer had to be tied to the failure that was my marriage. I recognized alot of things in RP that had existed in my life in some of my favorite times of my life. So I began to adopt them in my current life.
Immediately I had successes everywhere. I was more confident at work, with friends. I became an immensely more involved and active father. I got more done around the house. I was no longer subject to my fatigue and emotions. My life was mine to own. And I began having tremendous success with other women. I'm not talking IOI's in passing. I'm talking girls giving me thier number and asking me to meet them, etc. Some snippets of these escapades are still captured in posts here.
However, I cannot figure it out with my wife. I make some early gainz, but when they wear off, the anger that was there already, intensifies. All the success I'm having everywhere, and you still treat me like a bitch? I went Rambo. I could not (cannot) get out of my wifes frame. The more she denied me sex, the more I must have it. I pushed and pushed. Internally, I was (am) a mess.
Some of you have seen it so clearly. My wife simply does not like me. I can act alpha and strong, but she's sees through it and knows I'm just a beta asshole. In all our years of marriage, I've not only been a beta, but a shitty beta. I didn't even supplicate that well. Some of you also realized, I've developed a sort of addiction to sex with her. In that, I cant have it. She knows this too. I mentioned several hard no's recent days. Those were nights I just spent hanging out and talking with her (something we rarely do, which she has always asked for), and things went really well. Since things were good I initiated sex each night, but that just cheapened the whole experience for her. She wasnt ready (because she doesnt even like me). She saw right through it. She thought "you're not really interested in me, you just need to feed your addiction ". Which you can easily mask with a plate, but not in my case.
Frankly, I'm plenty fun to be around with everyone but her. I'm not fun around her, I'm angry and I'm still a victim. When I am fun with her I initiate so quickly I kill any tension or mystery. I had the king of all expectations that she would respond positively to my changes, and when she didn't I raged.
I'm taking a 60 day moratorium on intiating sex. I'm going to focus on making a life apart from sex, and getting rid of my anger. I'm going to focus on being the best man and father I can be, without expecting any response from her. I'm going to focus on making her life easier with the newborn (for the time being), without expecting a response from her. I'm going to spend time laughing and joking with her, just the two of us in the evening, and not initiate sex.
When BPProf said I am 5 months in and not even at dread level 1, he was spot on. The dread levels don't work if your wife doesnt even value or like you. I'm going to spend some time treating her as a plate, to see if I can even get her to like me
SPT, thanks for slapping me around with the basics. PurpleVeteran, thanks for the time you've spent on my case. Its truly appreciated.
I'm finally committed to a plan I believe in. I've learned a tremendous amount here. My marriage is fucked, but I'm not giving up yet (easy road). I'll report back in 60 days. If MRP, and its pirates can cure not only sexless marriages, but truly and deeply, troubled and broken marriages, the possibilities are endless.