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Midlife crisis at 28?

Reddit View
February 8, 2019
76 upvotes

Turned 28 yesterday.

Ever since I started swallowing the pill 1,5 years ago and got my Masters around the same time, I've been on a life rollercoaster, having moved cities 3 times in a little over a year. A month ago, I have now finally found a job where I'm doing well and will hopefully stay for a while.

In this place, I don't really know anyone outside my work, and those people are not very communicative. Despite it's proximity to London, this area is is considered a 'shithole' with no business events or interesting things happening.

Every Sunday I drive away to surrounding areas, mainly exploring smaller towns and paying special attention to historical museums, cathedrals and medieval towns which are my passion.

I am often busy, but every night I find myself bored and lonely. I quit weed after 5 years and and making a blog about it, so far written around 30k high quality words. Previously, I would subdue my loneliness with weed.

What I am struggling the most with is finding the 'mission' that is so often mentioned here. I just can't figure out what could it be. Buying a house in 10 years? Kinda shallow. Same with a sports car. Having a child sounds like a good option, but I'm very limited in my access to females.

All my friends and family are in my home country which I left almost 10 years ago. If I had a mission, a passion I would spend all my free time on, I know I would be better. But I just can't understand what the 'mission' is.

Anyone in a similar situation?


Post Information
Title Midlife crisis at 28?
Author LosBuratnos
Upvotes 76
Comments 58
Date 08 February 2019 10:23 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/217368
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/aof7ux/midlife_crisis_at_28/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]maljo24111 points112 points  (1 child) | Copy

When a man finishes his education and gets a job and has money and some free time he finds out who he really is. You are on that journey. Hook up with a local historical society or become a docent at a local museum or try sky diving. Its a big, beautiful, interesting world. Go explore.

[–]m4t313 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Or join a capoeira group, you will make friends and stay active.

[–]thunderbeyond37 points38 points  (2 children) | Copy

What's my mission. It's an incredibly often-asked question. Why? Because people think they are missing something? Because they aren't happy with who or where they are?

Trying to find your mission is like asking "what is the meaning of life."

Instead... focus on those areas of your life that you know to bring you joy and fulfillment. You've already listed some. Find people with the same passions. Develop your understanding or experience or knowledge of that. Cars, fitness, mediaeval churches- whatever it is that's important to you.

The problem is... you can spend your whole life searching for that missing piece of the puzzle that completes you - without realizing you already know the things you love.

[–]jailbreaker01014 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

True. And JP's 12 Rules... can shed some light in op's situation, imo

[–]Shanguerrilla0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great response- feels simple and something 'we know' ....but I'll be damned if I didn't surprisingly need to read it framed in your words myself today. Thanks for taking the time-

Very often missed, but very fundamental and actionable truth.

[–]ddiogenesofsinope28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy

Are you lifting?

TRP reiterates its importance for a reason. It gives you a base line to hold on to. Despite the turbulance of life, once can always be training to improve themselves no matter what happens. When I feel happy, lonely, sad, excited, doesn't matter, I lift.

It also gives you a great baseline to establish jump off points for the mission.

You should also be gaming girls to get you some experience for when you eventually get a real relationship. Fill up your evenings by going out (not drinking) and gaming women and just generally having a good time.

It will all come together one day and then you will be wondering what you were ever worrying about. You'll be wishing for the time you have now...

Get busy!

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am a sort of a veteran lifter with over 5 years of experience, but in the past few months had to stop due to big injfury..

Other than that, solid advice, thanks.

[–]InstigatingDrunk0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah. just any sort of "physical training". Even if you're a skinny runner. better than being a fat fuck.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

You say you have a passion for old buildings and you appear to be a good writer - How about becoming an author focusing on the history of various places?

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well, my writing is shit as I'm a foreigner, but having a nice social media account with photos and history of the places was one of my thoughts..

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

From what I've seen your writing is better than the average native's! Yeah that sounds pretty cool - perhaps you could monetise it through promoting National Trust & English Heritage sites as an affiliate?

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just wanted to drop a line and say grats on cutting weed out. It's more difficult than people realize.

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks mate, yes that was a gruelling war. There are still small outbreaks happening occasionally, but the war itself is over. So gruelling that I had to write about it in order to internalize it...

[–]_Icarus_Reborn_6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Despite it's proximity to London, this area is is considered a 'shithole

Confirmed OP lives in Slough.

If op does or doesn't live in Slough, it's still a shithole.

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Medway :D

[–]fade2clear 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

I think your mission should be to obtain whatever gives you a hard-earned sustainable dopamine release.

That's what true happiness is IMO. Nobody can tell you what that goal is, but you also have to balance it with survival and general well-being.

Don't settle for cheap thrills, and don't feel inclined to do something that would impress your peers, because that's just living for the wrong reason and is a form of validation seeking.

Your actions should incite a feeling of self-accomplishment, along with pleasure.

[–]chaching1310 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

well put!

[–]Olram_Sacul7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

I can relate to your experience. From my point of view, your mission should be improving yourself in any possible way.

My situation is a bit different coz still I got some friends here but moved to the UK with my ex, dumped her and most of our friends sided with her (I've been an ass).

Try some new hobbies. If you are close to London, go there more often. It's an amazing place full of things to do. I live in the Southwest and enjoy going to London from time to time, even on my own.

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Fair, what do you do in London alone?

I drove there last Saturday night as I wanted to capture a video for YouTube with my dashcam, but the traffic is so hectic even at night so I left quickly.

I want to visit the British museum again, as last time 3 years ago I went with my ex and couldn't enjoy it properly.

I've got friends actually but they are scattered all over the UK and I only know a couple of people in London

[–]cafeitalia5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is London you are talking about. There is so much to do, so much to see, so many to meet. People are very friendly and it is very easy to pick up conversations at local bars and pubs. Do that. Talk to people and meet new people. Majority of the museums are free and there are ton of them. Visit the museums, talk to people in there, meet new people. There are tons of parks, run, jog, join a football league, ride your bike.

You can not ever complain about London, there is always something new to do in there everyday.

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fair mate, I've noticed that the people from London are very friendly. Most people I know who were born there are really nice people.

I guess my socializing gear is a bit rusty these days, can't imagine myself starting a conversation with random people? :D

[–]Olram_Sacul1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I love to walk around Victoria area, and go from Belgravia to Westminster and then to Trafalgar Square and Covent Garden. Also Camden, Picadilly and the Museums

[–]Crixusgannicus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Proximity to London => limited in my access to females . Does not compute.

Admittedly the last time I spent time in London was pre-Londonistan, but still between in being a tourist mecca and full of local birds as well, Dude!!! As is almost always the case, the only scarcity is in your mind.

As for mission. Can't really help you with that. That has to come from within.

Hell you already have a clue but don't realize it. " exploring smaller towns and paying special attention to historical museums, cathedrals and medieval towns which are my passion "

You could take pictures of these things, write books about these things, volunteer or get a part time job related to these things, become a tour guide (which would also up your access to birds).

[–]BluePillEltonJohn1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I love cathedrals too, have u tried photography?

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I have, I take pictures on the old 70s film camera, not digital. This takes time and it's much more difficult than digital, but cheaper in short term and gives much more satisfaction

[–]cafeitalia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Then switch to digital if you like taking photos. A used canon with a nice fixed quality lens will run you only $5-600.

[–]443610660 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If you’re into film photography that’s a great hobby to improve and meet people through. I make products for film photographers, will send you my Instagram account on pm if you want

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sure thing! I'd love to connect

[–]sagaray3041 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You find your mission in work not the other way around. Exceptions apply.

Here's what no one tells you. Life is not a poem or a novel where you find meaning. It's not airy fairy shit that is shoved down our throats. We don't go through this magical journey and come out the other end as the Dalai Lama rejecting worldly goods.

Why do you feel that a house or a sports car is shallow? How many 28 year olds can afford a house? A sports car? Not many 40 year olds have one. Most use the word shallow as an excuse not to have it or work for it. Hey, look at that loser that's saving up for a house or working hard to get two. How shallow. The janitor in my firm comes in at 5am every day to meet his mortgage and pay the bills.

Panties drop when I tell them I have a house, a car, and focused on the next promotion. And I'm saving for a second house.

[A child is not a mission. You'll be miserable and you'll make him or her miserable too. Another person is not your mission]

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fair point about shallowness.

I am actually very far from a house or a sports car, I just wasn't sure if setting having one as a main goal was the right thing.

But I do not undermine their importance by any means and completely see where you are coming from.

[–]1UnluckyPenguin1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You need a social circle, because right now it sounds like you're in solitary confinement (prison) - with your ideas bouncing off in your own echo chamber - and it's unhealthy.

It's not enough to have friends/family with you 'in spirit'. You need a group of friends that are physically near you.

Without any socializing, your brain would melt trying to get just the tiniest amount of validation that growing men need to survive.

Once you're older, bolder, stronger, you could probably live in a legit solitary confinement for a week/month without losing your mind (not that anyone should ever torture themselves like that, just that it's possible).

TRP is about understanding the feelings/actions caused by biology, and how to maximize our feelings/actions for the best reward (often against our biological nature).

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's very true. I seemed to be much more fulfilled when I was WITH people.

Good food for thought, thanks.

[–]neso2250 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If there is a will there is a way.

[–]midas440 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have been having a midlife crisis since I was eighteen. The thing that helped me most was lighting a fire under my ass for attaining a certain goal: getting into college, receiving scholarships, getting a certain GPA, being awarded a certain internship. Once school is over, that structure dissipates.

You need new goals: trying a new hobby, reading new books, meditating every day, hiking a mountain every month, etc (just ideas, not necessarily things you have to do) otherwise you will float through life and time will pass by in a fluid and meaningless fashion.

[–]Plazma_doge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Link to the blog please

[–]LosBuratnos[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would give it to you, but I wanted to make it public on the 20th April, as I believe it is still unfinished.

[–]Herculius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Find a place (preferably multiple places) where your interests intersect with other people and groups. Are there "historical society" type groups? Could you get involved at a museum? Are there newsletters you could submit articles to?

Get involved with various communities and you will find both meaning through responsibility, you'll find like minded folks, and you'll likely find more women to interact with.

[–]rugged790 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Bro.

I was in a similar situation in England. The saving for the house is major but up to you. If you don't know today, you'll see why later. Your situation is actually better than it reads on paper. Because you're outside London, it's quiet. You want to go crazy, roll in. Focus on yourself? Stay out. You got education done so that's good. Jobs probably good too.

Lifting is what I did from fall to spring then summer bought the tickets or took the ferry over to France and the rest of Europe. Or the Ibiza migration. Maybe do something like that while you figure it out.

I got a friend from Miami. He works for a big tech company. But he does these weekend DJ gigs. He makes way more money in his day job and it fits in his financial plan. But all he wants to do is fucking DJ. It's what he loves.

[–]RPAlternate420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need a responsibility.. Before it was school. Now your job has become so ingrained that you do it without thinking. What's left is a lot of free brain time and you are finding the options to fill that time are lacking.

Start by finding a hobby. Marksmanship, carpentry, woodworking, backpacking, gardening, design, whatever. Once you find something that grabs your attention and time and is enjoyable, start looking into local organizations, clubs, or societies of others in that hobby. Grow the hobby. Become a casual expert on it.

And if you find that it's great for a few months, but a year into it, it loses its luster, then put it down but not away. You just grew in it too fast, and that's a common occurrence; your brain rewarded you with dopamine too often because you were learning very quickly at the beginning but as you get better at something, the returns diminish.

So just let it go for a bit and find a new one. Eventually an intersection of hobbies occurs and you have a renewed interest in something old.

Just keep your brain busy with projects, activities, etc. and the ennui will disappear.

[–]KitMindhead0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You moved to a 'shithole' where you know noone and have few family and friends where you are. You are restarting your life from 0 (except career) and you will have to put in more effort to network, make friends, meet new people.

Use the job as a stepping stone and move somewhere better as soon as possible, or make the best of where you are and find some new friends and people to enjoy your time with.

You aren't having a midlife crisis, you sacrificed a lot for a new job and are finally realizing what you gave up.

[–]I_Dont_Type0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Quarter-life crisis. It's a well-known thing

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t think there is a solitary “mission” for which you are destined. I think more practical advice would be to focus on whatever it is you want. And I mean, focus hard. Focus all your effort on achieving it. Doesn’t matter if it’s great and meaningful and moral, or selfish and destructive and immoral. The point is that you focus, don’t be swayed like a dainty leaf in the wind that’s flipped upside down by the slightest breeze. Rather, be the bullet that hits the bulls-eye despite the ambient hurricane.

[–]CassWCD0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get a motorbike my doode. I didn’t start riding until I was 32, and always thought they were unnecessarily dangerous. Two years later, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done..despite how unnecessarily dangerous they are. Plus, you can still travel and explore all these small outlying villages, and I’m sure it will provide more material for your blog. Don’t think about it..just start researching and pull the trigger my man.

[–]rpmc830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Learn a competitive sport like BJJ (sign up for classes and rolling). I'm captivated by it almost every day.

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just came back after a 12-hour crunch in the office and got a chance to read all comments guys, thanks a lot and I'm very happy to be part of the community of men.

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your mission is NOT a house or car or wife. Its what you can give to make the world better. Read the way of the superior man - he talks about ISOLATION, go on your trips andthink about it - you will INTUITIVLY know the right answer.

Also FRIENDS are VERY VERY important for happiness and fulfillment - you CAN'T bypass this need - join MMA / Ultimate frisbee salsa and KEEP going to it - it takes weeks if not months of repeated contact to make friends

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Join a martial art. I tried my first one not too long ago in a new place- it feels great to get a sense for the community and there is always usually one or two interesting people who know what to do even in a 'shithole'

[–]Subtlevibes0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I’m a junior doctor in a similar situation. Think I’m going to write a book on cannabis addiction. You want to contribute?

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sure, let me know when you at least have started and have a book plan, 'think i'm going' doesn't count.

[–]MisterMarbles19880 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Pursue a black belt in brazilian jiu-jitsu. Ten years is the average. Does wonders for your confidence.

[–]flapjacksrbetter0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Were u able to find your mission? I cant lol

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well sort of.. just trying to enjoy small things I guess. But I really like the advice to explore myself and find out who I am. So doing that slowly as the workload is high. Not exactly 'mission'.

[–]gerfcam0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Move to London.

[–]DiskKiller21 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Underrated comment here. Why would anyone want to live in a place that's generally described as a "shithole"? I can imagine working there, but living?

Alternatively, OP, find a way to spend your weekends in London. Right now you seem to be afraid of the "big city", which is just another weakness.

"When a man is tired of London, man is tired of life" is an old saying, but probably accurate.

[–]LosBuratnos[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Because I've just moved here a month ago.

Saving a lot on rent here as well. Maybe in 6 months or so, I could move.

But good advice on spending more time in London, thanks.

[–]rp2626-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

London is a great place to spend your weekends. The nightlife is amazing. Great clubs if you like dance music and pretty much every band passes through if you like going to gigs. Then in the day theres all kinds of museums and galleries to check out.

[–]_Icarus_Reborn_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's not a case of just 'move to London'.

It's expensive as fuck, especially rent. I've spoken to people who live in London, and they save you've got to be on £30k minimum to live somewhat decent in London. And that's not factoring in which zone you wanna live in.

[–]luccisanolean0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

what you have to do is the following:

Buy Every book Ayn Rand has Written and read them

Buy every book Rollo Tomassi has Written and read them

your life will be amazing. I promise. Guaranteed.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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