My BF (M28) of two years has a low sex drive. This has always been an issue for me in our relationship. I (F26) talked about it with him and most of it is performance-anxiety based. He won’t have sex if his parents are home (at his house) or if my housemates are at home (at my place). He is very good at oral but I feel like a burden asking him for it because he’s so tired all the time. I initiate blowjobs, and he receives them, and that’s about it. We have sex once a month if I’m lucky. I would prefer to have sex several times a week. I haven’t told him this because I don’t want to put pressure on him.

When sex does happen, I rarely orgasm. Our only positions are with BF on his back. He’s always too tired to do missionary or other positions that work best for me. Also, I’m very sexually experienced and my BF is not. I have an embarrassingly high N-count from riding the CC, but I took his virginity. A lot of the things that get me off are verbal and fetish-based. But he has no kinks of his own. I don’t feel comfortable sharing them with him because partaking in them would just not be like him. I’d worry he’d think I was dirty. Every relationship I had where I revealed my kinks has failed. Our relationship has worked up to this point because I worked the RedPill and part of this included hiding my fetishes with him so I would appear to be a quality woman. I dealt with my sexual frustration either by compulsive eating or by fantasizing about other people.

I confessed to him that I cheated on him this past fall because I was sexually frustrated. I stopped seeing the other person in November. The truth only came out now because the person I cheated on him with passed away two weeks ago. I knew I couldn’t lie anymore. In light of this, my BF chose to forgive me. However, my actions have affected our relationship and his trust in me. Deeper commitment, cohabitation etc. might never be possible because of what I’ve done.

At this point, my sex drive is a burden on our relationship and myself. I’m not interested in having one anymore if that’s what it’ll take for this relationship to work.

MY ACCOUNTABILITY: I’m in two 12-step groups (CoDA and SLAA) to control my behaviour. I haven’t cheated since November 13th and I’ve been ‘sober’ from sexting since January. Have made huge progress with these groups. Instead of feeling sexually frustrated 24/7, I now only feel this way when I’m ovulating or during other hormonally-charged times. But it seems like every time I ovulate, my sexual frustration grows more and more intense. If I’m not sexually active, or fantasizing about someone, I basically have depression two weeks out of every month.

Has anyone tried any medication that lowered their sex drive successfully? Herbal remedies? Medical procedures? Hysterectomy?