I had enough. My life is shit. I am to blame that is for sure. I want to change but I literally cannot do shit and I feel so fucking retarded that I haven't actually started doing anything meaningful.
I know the protocol, lift, eat healthy, sleep right, good routine, meditate, hobbies etc. But my biggest problem is I have done nothing to start a career. Dropped out 1st year. That should be my priority but I'm avoiding it. I'm doing fuck all in my life. But I want to change? I want to be a different person, a better version of myself. But I feel like I'm in constant torture based on the fact that I've developed shitty habits, and also living with my parents and sister where it's hard to have a good relationship because of their negativity and shitty way of dealing with me since I was a kid. That's putting a lot of blame on others aside from myself, but I'm sure it's a mixture of everything as to why I'm a piece of shit.
I was put in a position of not having any friends because of switching cities and going to a highschool with people who dorm (out of town), and generally having no real direction afterwards. I know I should've chosen a direction myself, but I was in a bad spot considering the environment and being an introverted blue pilled thinker, surrounded by others who didn't have much direction as well.
I ended up taking a gap year, then going into engineering which I was not ready for at all because of shitty habits (weed and gaming) all while not having real friends and generally living a depressed and boring life alone.
So now, I'm 22, have no fucking college degree, been stoning out working retail and fuck all. Depression, but the type I brought upon myself because I just didn't give a shit. This has been going on for a good 3 years. I discovered TRP about 6 months ago and I'm glad that I did. So now, with this shitty fucking start, what do I do.
Do I suck it up, endure the torture, and live with my parents so they can help pay for school and living? This is probably what I'll end up doing because it is by far the safest option, and best for my future. But again, this means monk mode for a long time, so it'll probably be hell and I'll have trouble staying on task.
Or do I move out with nothing to my name besides like 10k and start everything independently? This is an appealing option because I'll be completely free and will be forced to actually do things. But I'm starting out as a complete bum. Fml.
This ended up being more of a rant then a real question, but I can't grasp wtf is wrong with me. For example I've been telling myself I'll wake up 6am, get a workout done, count macros, meditate, research what to fucking do with my life, and go to sleep at like 10. What ends up happening is I stick to my habits, stay up til 4am, wake up 1pm, don't do shit because I hate facing reality, and repeat.
My problems are clear, but I'm not acting upon them.
22 years old, no college degree. No experience or talents. Doing fuck all.
How do you pick yourself up and actually get to fucking work. I know I should do it. I've had long contemplations where I really want to do it. I've even had days where I'm feeling confident. But all I've really had are tiny successes, and I'm going crazy over the fact that I'm not capable of going all out. I suppose being mediocre is better than nothing. But I'm struggling hard, and it's basically because I'm a piece of shit. Yeah don't hate yourself and bring yourself down, I know that. But now I'm battling against myself you see. This is torture and I don't know how to break out of it. I'm afraid I'll continue to waste my time because I want to delay the harsh realities of hard work and building up my career with this shitty start. It could be worse, I know, but there I go arguing with myself. So what do I want from asktrp? I don't know. How about a $10,000 bet that I'll fucking start my transformation and be a completely different person by next year. I feel like only a dirty incentive like that is the only way to go forth and actually make changes. It's ironic becase even without making that bet, I would gain way more than 10k value to myself if I followed through. Maybe my problem is I need to start with baby steps. But I've been telling myself all this for a while and not getting anything out of it. How can I break out of this life. I'm straight up realizing that I'm fucking retarded. I'll have to delete this in a day or 2.