TLDR: 28F married 2 years to 32M, no kids. Feeling as if I settled into a companionate marriage and my restlessness/fantasy life is slowly destroying me and making me feel incredibly guilty. Don't know whether this is a sign of true incompatibility or a selfish/immature reason to throw away a good man. Need clarity/wisdom because i'm in crisis and my husband doesn't deserve this.
Met H in college and have always had a stable companionate relationship. He's attractive and checks all the boxes for what I thought I should desire/want in a man. (works hard, attractive considerate, similar life goals/similar trend groups/outlook.etc.) Having dated immature/toxic men before him, I felt like I lucked out with a great guy. While there was never a deep carnal desire/falling head over heels, he was committed and unwavering and I felt stupid to leave such a good man. I had doubts about getting married but I couldn't separate them from natural cold feet so we eventually married. (he was aware of my feelings throughout).
The whole marriage I’ve been in constant daily turmoil over the fact that I never have that in-love feeling. It boggles my mind that he's this amazing guy and yet it feels like I settled into a boring marriage with someone I'm not completely excited about. I don't know if it's rooted in a genuine practical thing (ie: this is the natural result of feeling like you've settled) or if it's something darker and deeper (ie: I'm broken/can never be in a healthy relationship/feel undeserving of real love/don't have to confidence to go after what I really want/etc).
Some days it breaks me that I'm depriving him of a woman that's absolutely crazy about him. I feel restless and have a wandering eye and the guilt is eating me alive. It has evoked a wild fantasy life to the point I seriously don't trust myself to find any sort of clarity/make a decision. I've talked to him about these feelings and he wants me to be happy, and therapy has only helped so much reach a decision. Throwing away a great man for "stupid" reasons is something I'd regret for the rest of my life, but is this stupid? Is my body trying to tell me something important that I'm ignoring or am I hamstring myself to death? It feels like I'm fighting 7 wars in my head daily and I can't continue living this way. It's like there's a vacuum inside of me that needs to be filled and I don't know what to do. The therapist discussed possibly living with a girlfriend for a bit to collect my thoughts. Husband said this is fine if it helps.
I just want to reach a balance without destruction in my wake, but can’t see through the fog. I realize I'll be burned alive for admitting this/living this but this is truly a nightmare and it needs to end.
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