Interested to see what people think about this listicle from a woman complaining about being single in her 30’s.

[deleted] · 2019-01-06T03:37:39+00:00

EVERYONE I KNOW IS GETTING MARRIED.Granted, my friends back home have been married forever. Some of them are even divorced or remarried. It’s not the same out here in the big city —people take a little longer to make it official. Now I’m at the age where even my friends here are getting married and having kids. I feel like the odd man out because I don’t want a family.

I don't think she wants to marry as badly as she makes it sound. If she did, she would've made choices in previous relationships and previous times to ensure that marriage happened for her in a timely manner.

It's like the people who complain about not being fit. I mean, sure, they would absolutely take being fit and all its advantages, but would they plan their life around it and make the sacrifices necessary?

I think there's three levels of wanting

I actually want this, and so I will sacrifice and plan my life around it till I get it.
I like all the benefits of having this, but I don't want it so much that I'm willing to make the sacrifices and put in the work necessary to having the experience
I don't want this at all

And it makes sense. All people see are the end results (someone in shape, someone married). It's easier than ever before through social media and the like to see other people's "after picture".

It's easier than ever to feel FOMO, and to mistake FOMO for genuine want. She doesn't even want kids she says. She wants a free spirit she says.

What's she really want?

Zippo-Cat · 2019-01-06T03:41:28+00:00

>7. MEN MY AGE OR OLDER ARE STILL SINGLE FOR A REASON.

So is she. Don't know where she got the sense of entitlement.

Littleknownfacts · 2019-01-06T03:13:46+00:00

It really just looks like she's saying one complaint 10 times. Everyone is already LTRd.

1.) Does this woman have valid complaints or is she just whining IYO?

This looks like whining to me. She doesn't want to find a solution, she wants people to click on her links.

2.) Has she shot herself in the foot by letting good men slip by in the past or is she right to be picky?

There really isn't a right or wrong in this situation. More of a damned if you do, damned if you don't. If she did settle down younger this would be a list of 10 downsides to marrying young. Both situations come with risks and payoffs, the only difference is your personal mindset about where you end up.

3.) Do her complaints reflect any norms in dating/relationships that you would want changed?

No. As she stated, over and over again, all the good men are taken... By other women. Which means most of the women have a man they want. This really is just a weird outlier or just a very unlucky woman. The system as it is, still works for most people most of the time.

wub1234 · 2019-01-06T03:43:11+00:00

It's impossible to say.

She could have been really unlucky.

She might have had completely unreasonable expectations.

It could be a bit of both.

One aspect of dating that really affects women is that they are rarely the ones initiating, so you never know who is going to approach you. Yes, they could approach more, but this isn't necessarily as easy as you think, as guys are even sceptical and think it's a wind up when women approach them. Plus, it's not biologically natural, it's not the way mating works.

So, for example, I could be absolutely perfect for her, and I could walk past her in the street, but I'm not going to approach some random woman. I've seen what 'pick up' involves, I can't do it. If you could approach a handful of women that you genuinely liked, and have a good chance of it going somewhere, then I might consider it. Clearly, that is not the case.

Equally, she could meet me, and think I'm absolutely great (almost inevitable), but not be attracted to me (also quite likely). I'm sure this has happened to her many times, it has happened to me several times from both perspectives.

So she probably has had hundreds of guys walk past her who she would have got on with, or had guys in her life who were not quite right, but the opportunities that have presented themselves haven't been ideal. It's not necessarily as easy as you think to meet someone that you get on with, and with whom you really want to spend years and years together. There are millions and millions of hot women out there, and I can be physically attracted to all of them, but the percentage that I would want to spend the next 20 years trying to make conversation with would be quite small.

In this scenario, she's limited to:

Guys who come up to her, none of whom might be right for her.
Internet dating, which is an absolute needle in a haystack scenario.
Social group, through which she evidently hasn't met anyone.
Trying to socialise and do things that she enjoys, and hope that she randomly meets someone (I consider this the most pointless undertaking, as you're not even guaranteed to meet anyone single, unless you go to singles events, which are just another form of dating).

None of these avenues are guaranteed to result in meeting someone that you really want to be around on a daily basis for decades to come.

Conversely, she might have had unreasonable expectations. But even if this is the case, she can't make herself be attracted to someone. And it's highly dubious advice, in my opinion, to tell someone to lower their standards. You're better off on your own.

Willow-girl · 2019-01-06T04:39:27+00:00

She has written hundreds of "listicles" on that site. Her most recent one is "I've been single for three years and I'm very lonely". But the third most recent one is "I've finally found my guy and it's awesome." If you look at her published works it seems as if she is just writing whatever pops into her head at the time so I'm not sure I should take it seriously.

The comments are mostly quite ferociously attacking her, which makes me think she has previous as a man-basher and also this kind of article could be clickbait for angry men rather than trying to say anything worthwhile.

There is one comment that links to an article about her announcing she has genitak warts to the world, which is quite funny.

I think it's mainly whining, she has the right to be picky but she says one problem is the good guys want families but she just wants a good boyfriend. Why would a high value dude tie himself down to the one girl if he wants to stay free of all that? She might have unrealistic expectations of what she can actually get.

I think she's clinging onto her Carrie Bradshaw dreams of her youth.

hellotoyouthree · 2019-01-06T04:00:40+00:00

If she posted a well designed, clever dating profile and posted to a few different sites and followed the best advice for OLD, she would be dating 5-15 men per month who need her requirements. She is pretty enough and women have so many advantages. My guess is she has already long since done all this and yet is still single which means the men she wants don't want her.

GradualDecomp · 2019-01-06T03:23:55+00:00

I can't speak for all women who find themselves single in their thirties, but when I went back on the market at 32 after my engagement ended I was very pleasantly surprised. Dating in my thirties was not only easier than I expected, but easier than it was in college or throughout my twenties. I dated a few men and then found my current boyfriend, who I'm sure is the very best dude I've ever dated in my life.

I have some advantages. I live in a well populated coastal city. I'm college educated and earn a decent living. I'm attractive and in good shape. I'm sure it would be harder if I were living elsewhere, not in good health, and scraping by financially, which is true for a lot of people in my age group.

If someone can't find a decent partner in their thirties, it's because of bad choices, bad luck, or a combination of the two.

killallthenarcs · 2019-01-06T03:47:38+00:00

Not being flexible on the whole kids/stepkids thing makes anyone's dating efforts difficult going into their late 30s. Even guys, they get a little more leeway but not as much as TRPers say they do, and especially not if they aren't excellent in at least two of the three big ones... physical, social, or economic.

I mean just saying, most people breed for a bit then stop breeding and want to raise what they've got. If you're not willing to fall into lockstep with that when your cohort is doing it you need to be more flexible or search harder.

I think maybe she's just got to chill out and concentrate on building assets and her career for a while. If she's not looking to breed she can wait a while and the dudes she encounters will then increasingly have all the kids they will ever want who are not in their custody AND old enough that they don't need supervision. She'll need to build her own assets to fund retirement cos those guys will want to leave their wealth to their kids, but that's no big deal if she's got a decent job and no childcare duties to distract her.

I don't think she's shot herself in the foot. If she had wanted kids she'd be in a difficult situation and having to make a hurried choice.

I don't see the need for any change. Those who don't want kids need to realise that the dating world of age 25+ runs on people having kids and adjust their life strategies accordingly. That's their personal thing to look out for and it isn't unfair, those with kids have their own hassles.

DXBrigade · 2019-01-06T11:53:43+00:00

She sounds childish to me. She doesn't really want to settle,she just want to do like everyone else. I know this type: I am a free spirit and I wanna travel and discover myself oh and I don't want kids either. And I disagree that all good men are taken, they aren't you just need to search for them and stop being judgemental.

goatismycopilot · 2019-01-06T16:24:39+00:00

I am fascinated by the concept of confessional journalism why somebody would be willing to humiliate themselves just to get people to read your article. Does she think writing this is going to make it easier to meet somebody?

[deleted] · 2019-01-06T04:47:20+00:00

1.) Does this woman have valid complaints or is she just whining IYO?

This woman is exact stereotype the RPers paint all single women in their 30s. I don't think she is whining. Just stating that she made bad decisions.

2.) Has she shot herself in the foot by letting good men slip by in the past or is she right to be picky?

She stated that she got out of a serious relationship. If she was truly serious about it then she won't be talking about how she lost her chance at settling down with a good man. She would have been trying to built her future with the man she was with and simply had bad luck. She must have knowingly stayed in a relationship that was meant to fail.

I married in my 30's. I took my relationships in my 20's seriously toward marriage. After the end of each relationship, I didn't believe that I was choosing to ignore good men. I was actively dating them and simply wasn't compatible for the long term.

3.) Do her complaints reflect any norms in dating/relationships that you would want changed?

No.

LurkingLion26 · 2019-01-06T03:29:38+00:00

I’d tell her “Cry me a river.”

Willow-girl · 2019-01-06T13:39:10+00:00

The biggest red flag I see in her post is that she's in her 30s and doesn't want to date divorced men with kids. Realistically, not many attractive people stay unattached into their 30's ... almost everyone who doesn't have issues has probably been snapped up by that point. So your best bet is probably finding an attractive person whose first marriage/LTR didn't work out for some reason. And often that person will already have kids.

Ruling out everyone with kids is going to GREATLY limit the dating pool. A man in his 30s who wants an attractive childless partner is probably going to have similar problems. It's a numbers game!

Xemnas81 · 2019-01-06T04:11:26+00:00

Post-wall baby rabies. Female equivalent to incel. The culture will never tell her "have you ever thought the problem is you?" and those who do will be called incel. Even the married ones. I've seen married men with their wives and kids in their pic, being called incels for saying wrongthink. It's just become a lazy insult now. So yeah, call this what it is. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment and she isn't entitled to it. Cue nice guys finish last rage, the empathy gap etc.

exit_sandman · 2019-01-06T10:03:42+00:00

6) Dating a guy who is divorced and/or has kids is a whole different ballgame.

There are definitely different issues that a divorced guy brings to the plate

giggity

Okay, but seriously.

Does this woman have valid complaints or is she just whining IYO?

Why not both? Her problems are real and are serious, but she's still a complainer.

Has she shot herself in the foot by letting good men slip by in the past or is she right to be picky?

She hasn't said that she let good men slip by, she said they're LTR'd now.

Do her complaints reflect any norms in dating/relationships that you would want changed?

Yes, people (particularly women) thinking that you can postpone getting into a permanent relationship forever. A woman should be in what she can be reasonably certain is her last relationship (i.e. it's stable, she's into the guy etc.) by the time she's 25, and if she isn't, she should make it a top priority to find a guy.

DevilishRogue · 2019-01-06T14:13:51+00:00

Textbook /r/ChoosingBeggars

openoids · 2019-01-06T14:18:13+00:00

Here is her blog .... https://amyhorton.net/

Pastelitomaracucho · 2019-01-06T18:45:26+00:00

I think she needs to adopt a cat

fatalcharm · 2019-01-06T07:15:20+00:00

As a single woman in her 30's I can't stand these women who complain about not being able to find a man. Get a god darn hobby for goodness sakes. I love being single as it gives me time for making music, art, reading, writing etc. -I wouldn't be able to keep all my hobbies if I were in a relationship. If your lonely, go make some friends. If you are horny, flick the bean. If you want love, learn to love yourself. Relationships are wonderful but there is nothing that you can get from a relationship that you couldn't give to yourself.

DaphneDK42 · 2019-01-06T04:20:47+00:00

She's just whining that all the girls around her are reaping the benefits of their relationship labour; seeing that she too wants the fruit after having spent her youth not doing the labour. She also seems like she want it like a 7yo girl want a puppy for Christmas. Sure would look good on her Instagram, but don't come around with any of that nasty work you have to endure.

Also. why does that site read like a book for retarded people? Is its target audience people who are less intelligent?

AutoModerator · 2019-01-06T03:12:03+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[deleted] · 2019-01-06T03:36:07+00:00

It sounds like she was in a LTR at a particular life stage and missed the boat a bit. She isn't where most women are in their thirties, and that's hard. I can empathize with feeling 'different' and as though you're missing out on something; I'm sure most people here can. Her complaints are very real to her, but they're not necessarily well-articulated or especially useful to anyone reading them, since all the insight she offers is that her life is difficult and you should probably be careful about sticking too long in an LTR that isn't working in a certain part of your twenties, as the nature of 'dating' changes a lot between 20-30 and you may be stuck in a rough place, as she is.
She was particularly unlucky in the timing of one particular LTR, she's facing a 'dating landscape' with which she is unfamiliar, and the way she is processing her frustration is a very repetitive listicle.
If you're unwilling to date divorcees, in general, the dating field is going to both narrow and change as you age. Leaving an LTR late in life is always going to be hard. This listicle tells us nothing new other than the fact that this specific woman is frustrated. Single men in their thirties who want LTRs probably have similar frustrations, especially if they have similar 'backstories'. It's okay, sometimes people write trivial things because they're upset. If I posted a listicle in this style every time I was frustrated about some aspect of, say, grad school applications, I'd post a lot of dumb shit. It would be great if people thought a little longer before they publicly aired their shit, but that's not a gender problem, that's a people problem.

[deleted] · 2019-01-06T16:41:43+00:00

All I hear is entitlement. My interests, my standards, my blah blah. If she wants love, everyone knows you make sacrifices whether it’s by standards, by age, or by different backgrounds than you may have preferred. Besides entitlement, so many women are guilty of this mindset. They want Mr. Right to be perfect therefore no relationship growth occurs which is crucial for the idea of growing together as a couple.

blackedoutfast · 2019-01-06T19:26:21+00:00

there are ~7.7 billion people on Earth. if you're not happy with any of the people who want to date you, the simple explanation is that your standards are too high.

her standards may have been viable when she was younger, but as she gets older, her SMV and RMV are declining and the men who do meet her standards aren't interested in her because they can do better.

and it's compounded by the fact that like many women in the same position, her standards have probably gone up over time instead of down. this is due to lifestyle creep and women tending to vastly overestimate things like experience, career success, etc. while vastly underestimating the importance of things like looks and youthfulness.

please note that the picture at the top of the article is just a stock photo and not a picture of the author. you can google "amy horton" and find a few pictures of her. she's not bad looking, but she is definitely starting to hit the wall and looks like a woman in her mid to late 30s. I personally wouldn't date her because i can do much better, but at the same time i'm sure she wouldn't want to date me because of her high standards.

MosDaf · 2019-01-07T01:19:14+00:00

Only skimmed the main headings of the list, and I can tell you that she's not somebody I'd be interested in, nor would I have been interested in my 30's.

If everybody you meet is an asshole...

[deleted] · 2019-01-11T13:05:11+00:00

Does this woman have valid complaints or is she just whining IYO?

Well, the dating pool is probably shrinking for her so I'm gonna go with yes.

Has she shot herself in the foot by letting good men slip by in the past or is she right to be picky?

How would I know that? Maybe.

It sounds like she wants the perfect guy and that's natural to want but it's not realistic to want. Also this whole notion of "The good ones are already taken"... it applies to everybody. And it might be true, I don't know but even if it's true then maybe you should settle for a "good enough" one or maybe you just have a skewed view of the "good one".

Everyone I meet is either married, in a committed relationship, or someone I don’t want to date. Yikes.

I guess this sums up the point. If that's her attitude then sure. It's just a fact of life that if you date at those ages you'll encounter divorced men and men with children. Same thing if you're male. You'll have to deal with divorced women and women with children.

It is true that the older you get the more stable the relationships are. When you're younger you have relationships that last a few months so there's a lot of change and a good guy currently unavailable will be available in a few months again.

Maybe she's concentrating too much on an artificially idalized version of a man instead of being satisfied with somebody that could make her happy. But how am I supposed to tell that based on an article.

trettles · 2019-01-06T04:00:49+00:00

I relate to what she's written, but my standards aren't as high. I would take someone with kids, as long as he doesn't want any more.

Other than that, here I am, ready to go, but no one wants a relationship with an average looking woman looking for a partnership. They want Stacy, psychos, gold diggers & women with baby rabies. They seem to even be content with obese, unemployed, overly dominant & drug fucked women.

I think being a femcel is even worse than being a male Incel. At least we can all acknowledge that they are aiming too high.

Bekiala · 2019-01-06T05:12:43+00:00

I think the Red Pill folks should find this woman and make her into their poster woman as she seems to back up their ideas. I'm sure there are others like her as well as many not like her.

The Red Pill folks wouldn't want to hear from me at all as I'm about the opposite of her.

RandomAttackHelpMe · 2019-01-06T07:30:02+00:00

She's clearly yet another picky ungrateful bitch who won't even try to work things out due to her own standards and bullshit and fucking youthful princess fantasies bullshit. She could have what he wants, but "refuses to settle".

sadomasochrist · 2019-01-06T16:55:28+00:00

Written by a man, 100%. I don't think this woman exists. And if she does, OOF.

Title	Interested to see what people think about this listicle from a woman complaining about being single in her 30’s.
Author	Tedesche
Upvotes	7
Comments	94
Date	January 6, 2019 3:12 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ad1ogd/interested_to_see_what_people_think_about_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/interested-to-see-what-people-think-about-this.258009 https://theredarchive.com/post/258009

Comments