Declining Sex -When, why, or Never?

MarquisDePaid · 2017-04-13T23:13:42+00:00

From a man's perspective my rule (with my ex, whom I had sex with almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day) has always been "you have the right to say no for any reason and can say no at any time, and I'll respect that/control myself without any resentment, but I will probs try again in about 30 minutes"

loneliness-inc · 2017-04-14T03:35:53+00:00

In my (not so) humble opinion, no man or woman should ever reject a bid for sex, affection or any other form of intimacy, ever, for any reason. It's precisely this type of rejection that builds hurt and resentment that can cause permanent damage to the foundation of the relationship. I'd wager to say that this is a major cause of many divorces.

But but but - you may be saying - but how can you always be up for sex, affection, closeness and intimacy? What if I'm not feeling well? What if I'm just utterly exhausted? What if I just need space?

Ah, yes. You're right but you're incorrect. Sure, you may not be able to always have sex when your husband needs it, just like he won't always be able to listen when you need to talk. We're human beings with limited energy. So what am I saying? I'm saying to never ever reject sex, affection, intimacy, closeness. If your husband (or wife) makes a bid, don't ever reject it. If you can't engage fully at the moment, delay don't reject.

Kicking backwards when he comes in to spoon you, sighing heavily when she comes to talk to you or anything of that nature is rejecting your spouses bid for sex, intimacy, closeness, connection or whatever else. Never reject. EVER!!!

Instead, say something along these lines. Sweetie, I really want to listen to what you have to say but my head is still racing from work, can I have some quiet space? I'd love to listen to you once my head clears. Then listen 100%

Or, you're one sexy guy and it feels so good to be desired by you! (Wink wink). I'd really love to jump your bones right this second but my stomach is really twisting like a pretzel. Hopefully it'll be settled tomorrow and we'll get right back to business. Then get back to business asap!

When you do this, your partner will never feel turned down. They'll never have that terrible feeling that comes as a result of being rejected by the one person who's supposed to love you like no one else. Your marriage will be so much better as a result.

(Needless to say, if you're always delaying, it will be taken as a rejection. Use sparingly and only when absolutely necessary).

Katiescarlett5 · 2017-04-13T23:14:15+00:00

When I was a young and very naive bride I assured my husband I would never tell him no about sex, but that I was trusting him to be considerate of me and my needs. Now, over eleven years later, we've both held our ends of that deal quite well. It's been an easy deal for me because I have a high sex drive, and also because I am married to a thoughtful and considerate man who isn't going to push me when he knows I am sick or extra tired. (Although orgasms seem to help headaches, ladies, but that's another subject for another time!)

Because we use NFP for BC, there are several days a month that we have to refrain from PIV sex, but that is something we both understand and mutually agree on, and he knows that he can ask for something else to tide him over if need be.

ragnarockette · 2017-04-14T16:23:43+00:00

I never reject sex, but if I'm really not in the mood for whatever reason I will put on big sweatpants and a face mask. He has yet to find this alluring enough to proposition me.

radioactivities9 · 2017-04-13T22:49:18+00:00

Check out this amusing excerpt from Psych. Today 'The 4 Hidden Reasons Some Men Don't Want Sex':

His inner world outvotes the caveman. A reticent, kind, male patient who struggled with low libido finally opened up about three aspects of his libido: One part was an awkward teenager who felt anxious about initiating. A second part was a 20-something, feminist male who thought sex was degrading for women. The third aspect—a caveman—was horny and hungry for sex. He said that the first two characters always outvoted the blatant needs of the third and so he remained silent with his wife about his desire. She listened in awe as her usually quiet husband revealed his complexity, later asking if just once she might have sex with his caveman.

I'd never be able to reject his caveman approach.

That bizarre complex has lots of red pill truth in it. A man ashamed that his sexual polarity is degrading to women comes from Madonna/Whore-styled-Feminism.

The anxiousness about initiating is one reason it's important to not be rejecting of sex or any bids for physical intimacy. Male or female we all have that 'scared teenager' in us somewhere. But for men I think it must be more tied to self-esteem, so extra important to not act rejecting.

Sometimes we can be rejecting even when saying yes to sex acts (ie. starfish or lack of enthusiasm). I wonder how women with low libidos deal with such things?

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-04-14T07:17:28+00:00

So far I've never rejected him for sex. He's usually more tired than me because of his work, so I'm always the one that is overjoyed when he wants a blowjob. Yes, sometimes he's too tired for a blowjob. We only have sex 1-2x a week and I give him blowjobs 3-5x a week. I prefer it this way (less sex, more blowjobs).

The only time I have declined sex in the past was with ex-boyfriend's during my period (I loathe period sex and I cannot understand why my ex boyfriends pushed to have sex during that time) or when I was significantly unattacted to them. That's when I also know there's a problem...when I don't want sex not because I'm tired, but because I'm not attracted anymore. It caused serious problems in the past relationships and that's when I realized I needed to genuinely respect a man who is going to be a future husband. The attraction stopped when the respect wasn't there anymore.

Willow-girl · 2017-04-14T11:57:46+00:00

Has anybody had sex (ie. orgasm inducing activities) everyday (or more) with a live in partner for more than a year and survived?

FTFY

teaandtalk · 2017-04-14T00:32:27+00:00

What are non-manipulative reasons to decline sexual invitations from your partner? Aside from health concerns.

If you're too tired and need sleep (I've declined for this reason more than once) - and he understands, because I get VERY grumpy if I don't get enough sleep. Aside from that, I don't often decline at all.

Do you ever reject sex? How does this work out for you, does it cause problems in your relationship or just smooth out naturally?

Very occasionally, mostly due to an above reason. For me, sex makes me feel better/more loved when I'm feeling horrible, so there's no reason to avoid it, and I'm careful not to: rejecting sex feels like rejecting my partner.

Is it important with you and your partner to balance initiating sex acts? Or do you/he have no problem always initiating? (I think that would be rare)

A bit of balance is important. At times, we've both fallen into the trap of initiating more often and then feeling less-than-desired.

But how many years in a relationship can you have sex every time you see each other for?

No clue on that one. We've always been more like 3-4 times a week people (except when we're on holidays, then our average goes way up!).

EDIT: And no, I don't feel like sex is a chore. If you think it is, you're doing it wrong.

[deleted] · 2017-04-14T13:27:10+00:00

I very rarely reject him, only if he had too much to drink and I'm completely sober, then I really don't feel like it. But that's happened like two times or something.

To be honest, I would like it if he'd initiate a bit more ofter. He's always up for it, but doesn't in any way want to force me (he's a gentleman like that) so I think it's about 3:1 times that I initiate. But you know, that's just a minor thing, I don't really mind.

Cardiscappa · 2017-04-14T19:14:51+00:00

Questions:

How do you deal with periods and sex? (Specifically using tampons or cups.)
What if anal is something he likes? How do you stay clean and 'clear' so to speak?

YoungYogiMama · 2017-04-16T04:50:22+00:00

My boyfriend and i have been together for 7.5 years (living together 5.5) and have sex probably 5-6 days week on average, not including the 4 days a month we can't bang. The only reason i ever turn him down is if i'm feeling really sick or just painfully exhausted. We have a 17 month old daughter and both work early mornings and work out a lot, so he understands it even if he's disappointed. Sometimes he's even the one thats too tired! He will occasionally get bitchy about it for a minute but then falls asleep and is totally over it by the morning lol. We have sex in the daytime whenever we can, but usually have to wait till nighttime once our daughter is finally asleep.

I think one thing i wouldn't appreciate is if every single day of my period he pressured me to give him a 20 minute blow job. I usually give him 1-2 and i'm sure he'd be thrilled with more but he never pushes it and then always returns the favor a few days later. He also sometimes gives me a good massage after a bj haha. (Just one of the many reasons he's a keeper.)

In the first few years of our relationship we were on each other like rabits and often banged twice a day - but we had no daughter and college schedules so that made it easier. I honestly had to turn him down sometimes cause it was just too painful to keep having sex. If thats the case, i don't care what promises you made your man - tell him hell no!!

Igotsfeelingstho · 2017-04-14T12:55:19+00:00

I have a high sex drive, but my husband has an extremely high sex drive. For me sex 1-2 times a day is a good rate but for him it's like 3-5 ( I work from home so it's very easy for us to have an active sex life). I never reject my husband but he understands that it's hard for my body to handle sex at his ideal rate so he is mindful of that, and after an especially hard pounding he will give me time to recover lol.

And if I'm just too tired and don't have the energy, he is ok with going at it as I rest. It's actually relaxing and helps me sleep, and then when I wake up I'm happy to return the favor ;)

radioactivities9 · 2017-04-13T23:04:47+00:00

Huffington Post blogger Brittany Gibbons shared her story of having sex every single day for an entire year on her blog, where she expressed a boost in confidence, excitement for life and overall happiness. At first, Gibbons’ commitment to sex each day changed her normal routine, and she felt like it could be adding another unnecessary stress in her life. But once she and her partner started hitting the sheets, everything started to change

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/news/world/sex-every-day-healthier-happier-more-creative/988697/

Ladies of RPW, make the at least once a day goal! Hard if you don't live together tho. So could be a future aspiration.

azngirl7689 · 2017-04-14T03:49:46+00:00

I get occasional bad vaginismus. When the pussy isn't having it, sex isn't happening. He doesn't like banging a woman who is wincing from pain, as he shouldn't. So I tell him when the vaj isn't having it and he doesn't bother.

[deleted] · 2017-04-16T17:58:25+00:00

As a man I get tired having to do all the work. It is very rare for a women to initiate. Eventually I assume she wasnt interested...bed death...breakup.

Free advice, don't just say you want sex, start it. Hope this helps.

TheBunk_TB · 2017-04-19T01:39:03+00:00

Say no to unfocused sex. Stop thinking about worries and random shit. Think about sex and associated things.

[deleted] · 2017-04-19T10:37:44+00:00

I think rejecting your man for sex is only acceptable if you are unable to due to illness, or are in an incredibly bad mood after a crisis situation. I think it's important to make your partner feel loved and desired at almost all costs, especially because you are the only one who can satisfy their desires. I would say that being 'too tired' is not an excuse to withhold sex, I experience extreme fatigue most days but still muster up the effort to give my man a long backrub at the end of the day. I think this mindset should be applied to sex too. I believe that it is easy to get into a pattern of denying sex when you start making excuses to withhold it. Saying that you are 'too tired' to have sex at the end of a day can easily turn into a daily occurrence because of laziness. Dwindling sex is a relationship-destroyer, especially when men are being the ones rejected. No one is in the mood all the time, but making your partner feel good when he wants it is very important.

Title	Declining Sex -When, why, or Never?
Author	radioactivities9
Upvotes	42
Comments	53
Date	April 13, 2017 10:33 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/658t8q/declining_sex_when_why_or_never/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/declining-sex-when-why-or-never.2581 https://theredarchive.com/post/2581