The theory of attachment posits that children form a specific kind of attachment with their primary caregiver early on in life. Philip Shaver and Cindy Hazen later discovered that children went on to replicate these attachment styles and patterns later in their romantic relationships. Several attachment styles have been identified, but they mainly fall under three distinct categories.

Secure

Secure people feel very comfortable with love and intimacy. They are very warm and loving, and tend to have high levels of self-esteem. They believe in the strength of their connections, so they tend to have strong, stable and long-lasting relationships. People with a secure attachment style are able to leave unsatisfying relationships, because they know that a better relationship awaits them. Amir Levine estimates that around 50% of the population have a secure attachment style.

Anxious

Like secure people, anxious people tend to be very warm and loving. However, their desire for intimacy leaves them heavily preoccupied with the relationship, and they constantly wonder whether their partner is capable of loving them back. Because they fear abandonment, anxiously attached people will often resort to protest behaviours to get their needs met. These protest behaviours can include threatening to end the relationship, sulking, and getting extremely upset when they feel their affections are not being returned. Anxiously attached people also tend to get attached very quickly, and will sacrifice a lot to make the relationship work. Levine estimates that around 25% of people are anxiously attached. I am also going to hazard a guess here and say that the vast majority of Pickmes/former Pickmes have an anxious attachment style, or behave in a way that have the characteristics of an anxious attachment.

Avoidant

The avoidant person, like the name suggests, tends to avoid intimacy. They equate closeness and intimacy with a loss of independence, hence why they seek to maintain distance from their romantic partner. Avoidant people often come on strong in the beginning of a relationship, but suddenly pull back when things start getting closer and more intimate. Levine estimates that around 25% of the population are avoidant.

How attachment styles can affect relationships

Now that we have covered the basics, we can move on to how attachment styles can affect a relationship. Generally speaking, the most satisfying relationships tend to be between two people who are secure. This is not to say that people who are secure never have issues, but their temperament and their high levels of self-worth makes it easier for them to nurture healthy relationships and swiftly cut off unhealthy relationships.

A secure/anxious relationship can also work well, because someone who is secure is not afraid of showing intimacy which is what the anxious person craves. It is not uncommon for an anxious person to adopt a more secure attachment style and approach when they are in a relationship with someone who is secure.

Relationships tend to run into trouble if one of the partners is avoidant. Since avoidants rarely date each other (in this instance, likeness repels), they often end up with people who are secure or anxious. A secure person will quickly tire of an avoidant's avoidance and will end the relationship fairly quickly. Someone who is anxious, however, will get drawn into the anxious-avoidant cycle, because such a relationship activates their attachment system in a very negative way. Psychologists call this the Anxious-Avoidant trap, because whilst this relationship is clearly toxic it is very difficult for the anxious person to extract themselves from it.

The Anxious-Avoidant trap works so well, because it exacerbates the insecurities of each partner. Anxious people cope with relationship issues by trying to get closer to their partner and increase intimacy. Since intimacy is an avoidant's worst nightmare, they will respond by pulling away from their partner. Rinse and repeat this pattern enough times, and voila! You have yourself a toxic relationship.

Attachment styles and you

Now that's been covered, you may be wondering what this has to do with you. The short answer is: everything. Knowing your attachment style and being able to work out what someone else's attachment style is will save you from a world of pain.

If you are trying to date and you have an anxious attachment style (there are tests you can do online to determine whether you are likely to have one), know that you are, unfortunately, swimming among sharks. Avoidants tend to make up more of the dating pool, because they are more likely to end their relationships for the reasons discussed above. If you have a secure attachment style, whist you are unlikely to get caught up in the Anxious-Avoidant trap, it is not uncommon for a securely attached person to become anxious when they are in a relationship with an avoidant.

That does not mean that secure men are not out there, but you have a much higher chance of running into an avoidant. Hookup culture and the proliferation of OLD also feeds avoidant behaviour, because men know they no longer have to get intimate/show they really care about a woman before they get what they want from her. Whilst you should not spend ages ruminating over a man's attachment style, if he is exhibiting any of the following behaviours or smoking guns, it is likely he is an avoidant.

  • Sends mixed messages
  • Has had a string of short-term relationships
  • Is reluctant to make it official
  • Does not respond to your feelings, and tries to address them from a point of logic as opposed to understanding
  • Demonstrates any sign of having commitment issues

How to find a securely attached man

You find a securely attached man by not wasting your time with men who cannot give you the amount of intimacy you need. You have to know what your needs are, inside and out, so you are able to recognise when your needs are not being met. Funnily enough, in Amir Levine's book, 'Attached', he basically reiterates FDS advice when explaining how to find someone with a secure attachment style.

  • Date multiple men at the same time. This allows you to maintain some level of emotional distance, whilst making comparisons. It's a lot easier to see whether someone is acting avoidant if you're dating multiple people as it gives you perspective
  • Adopt an abundance mentality. Whilst we know that HVM are in short supply, the truth is that there are many HVM still around. There are far too many men out there to get stuck on that one LVM
  • Work on your self-esteem. If a man turns out to be LV, understand that it had nothing to do with you
  • Cut men off at the first red flag

Whilst you may not have been able to determine which attachment style you now have, it is possible to improve your dating prospects. By being aware of attachment theory, you can quickly determine whether or not a prospective partner is able to meet your intimacy needs, and be on your way to find a loving, secure relationship.